Today, I should've had a baby in my arms. Today was our due date. I've been bracing for this day, ever since we lost our baby. I've pictured it to be messy, angry, sad, confused, empty. But I'm actually feeling just a numb kind of pain in my heart that's preventing me from just breaking. I also had some nice distractions today too. And that helped a lot. For awhile now, I was planning on releasing a pink and blue balloon to symbolize the baby we lost. To get some closure. Or something. But I backed out on that idea. This morning, Matt and I talked about it and I shed a few tears. But that's all I was going to allow myself. It was a beautiful day outside and I wasn't go to let heartbreak rule my Saturday. I ended up doing some wedding stuff at my mom's and then laying in the pool. At one point, I think I started to doze off on the float, and when I opened my eyes I was looking straight up into the bluest sky. It made think that Heaven has to be up there, because that sky was so beautiful and it gave me peace to think that our baby is up there. In the beautiful blue.
Even though I'm not holding a baby, I am holding onto hope. I would give anything for a crystal ball or a genie to grant me a wish. I know there is a plan for us, but the not knowing "if" or "when" part kills me. I think my biggest fear through all of this is another miscarriage. I'm not sure how much more I can beg and bargain with God.
In the meantime, we have a WEDDING coming up :) Lots of good things to come.
And I'm so ready for all of those good things...
*Bought a wall hanging today that says "Keep Calm and Carry On." How fitting :)