Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas

Sorry everyone, been pretty busy and not feeling much up to blogging. Christmas went better than I expected, I knew I would be sad but we made the best of it. We had to do a lot of driving in order to get to see everyone on Christmas. We got some really great gifts from our families and hubby got me a pretty pair of earrings! He also got me the new Taylor Swift CD which I LOVE. There's a song on the album called " Back to December." The song is really about a boy but I have my own interpretation of it and it reminds me of last December when we got the best and worst news. The song just really hits close to my heart, and there is a verse in there " I go back to December all the time." Which I do.

I was doing ok yesterday until we got home and we were relaxing on the couch and I started to cry and felt so sad. I just got thinking about what if next December there still is no baby, how bad is the pain gonna feel then?


Since I don't feel much up to blogging. I thought I would share a few wedding pictures with you guys.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas...











Monday, December 20, 2010

No Baby in this Manger

Sorry it's been a while. Been pretty busy this past week and dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. No miracle Christmas baby for us, my period arrived this morning. I wasn't really expecting anything this month anyways, because we weren't using any drugs or being monitored. And the painful truth is that us conceiving the "old fashioned way" again, most likely is not in the plans for us. I think I'm coming to the alarming realization that this is going to take much much more. I won't lie and say that I didn't have hope for a Christmas miracle. My plan was to buy a pregnancy test and take it Christmas morning if my period hadn't arrived. I daydreamed about taking the test, seeing the two pink lines and sharing the news with everyone on Christmas...

We're not going to do anything this cycle either, because we can't afford more injectibles at the moment and honestly, I don't think I'm ready to start again. My plan as of right now, is to start a new medicated and monitored cycle with IUI towards the end of January. So we have that to look forward to and be hopeful for. This thing called infertility is such a lonely place. Even when you have lots of loving family members and friends. I think I'm starting to accept that, when it's going to happen again for us, it's going to happen. Everyone has their own struggles, and most people say when the struggle is over, they came out a better..stonger..person. My mom said something to me about this other day. How bad things happen to good people and everyone goes through some type of struggle in their lives. My mom: " Why did I get a brain tumor? Why does your brother have Type 1 diabetes? Why did your cousin Jeremy have a baby with Down Syndrome?" It made think how true that is, because I remember when almost 7 years ago when my cousin found out that his baby boy had down syndrome, everyone went through a rollercoaster of emotions. But today, now 7 years later, my cousin Jeremy and our family can't imagine our lives without Bradley. He is such a love. So yeah, most of the time you come out stronger and better and happier...


This past week there was a pregnancy/baby explosion. Do any of you other IF girls have a weird intuition now about people who are pregnant?! I do. It's freaky. Before someone even makes an announcement, I already know. I already feel it. My friends sister just had beautiful twin baby boys this week! And my cousin Jenny found out she was pregnant. A big congrats to them!! Surprisingly, I feel no jealousy just happiness for them. My cousin sent me a fertility goddess statue, so Im hoping that will work some magic maybe :) I used to feel bitter when I'd hear pregnancy announcements, but not anymore. I'm not surprised by them at all. I expect them. I guess that bitterness feeling is just replaced with a standing still feeling. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is moving forward, and I'm just..stuck!

Last Thursday night we went to a surprise 30th birthday party for Matt's friend's wife. He and his wife are so nice, I love them. But we haven't broke the news about our infertility struggles to them yet. They are pregnant with a baby girl and due in February. I didn't know anyone else at the party, so it was a little awkward, but I was just proud of myself for getting out and doing something. But this is where the pregnancy explosion happened. At this small party, there were four pregnant women. Within two minutes of being there, I overheard two girls sharing stories about how their pregnancies were going. A total of 6 times, we were asked "When are you guys gonna start popping them out?" And my husband accidentally responded to one of those with " We're on our way!" And the other guy took that as we were already pregnant "on our way." And hubby had to quickly fix that with " Oh I mean we're working on it." It was awkward. The first conversations at our table were between two girls talking about breastfeeding. On more than one occassion, hubby and I shared the same glance with each other, the " Is this really happening?" glance. Because it seemed like everything baby and pregnancy had exploded in our faces. At one point, one of the pregnant girls said to me, " If you can avoid being pregnant around the holidays, that would be good, because it's hard not being able to drink! Worth it, but hard!" And I just smiled and laughed but in my head I was thinking, " Ohhh believe me, I can avoid it!" We did have a good time though and everyone at the party that I met was super super nice. None of them had any idea about our struggles. And who knows, maybe some of them had trouble too!

I guess I just have to accept there is a bigger plan for us. I'm going to try and enjoy this Christmas. I can't let a good Christmas go to waste :)

I have to say though that Facebook is a liar. I took a quiz on there awhile back and the answer for me was " A pregnancy or birth in 2010." LIARRRS. :) I am itching to go to a real psychic though.

Like that old 'N Sync song, maybe God is just spending a little extra time on our special baby. At least, that's what I'd like to think...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My New Calendar

There's a new calendar that I follow now. Along with all the marked holidays, there is another one marked. This calendar I carry around in my heart. Today, last year, we lost our baby...

It has been a year.


Sometimes I struggle with the issue of grieving this loss. I ask myself if I deserve to grieve this one loss? Is it ok that I'm hurting and sad over infertility? Sometimes I'm even embarrassed by how much it has effected me. But then I stumble upon a blog post from Hillary over at Making Me Mom, and I thought it was so powerful that I asked her if I could share it. She talks about the comparison of death and infertility. She also made of list of things she would miss if she were not able to have a biological child, which I did not post below. But I guess just her words about grief and infertility, struck a chord with me. And it made me realize that it is ok for me to still be grieving...


As posted by Hillary...

"I have been working on a list titled "My Losses." Many times when I have been struck by a wave of sadness, I have added to the list as a new feeling of loss was triggered.

Many of the items on the list seem silly, superficial, or small, I know. And I am sure at the end of my life - and certainly in eternity - I will look back on this time very differently. But in this season of my life they feel very real and painful. The heaviness of the sense of loss I feel is almost crushing.

I also thought about the way we describe grief, in general. If I describe my sadness over the loss of my beloved grandmother 8 years ago, I would say things like, "I miss sitting at her kitchen table and hearing her tell stories from her life," or "I wish I could open up her fridge and see the jello in small glass pyrex cups she always had waiting for me." There are few words to describe the loss and pain, but somehow those little things I can describe add up to convey the magnitude of grief. And with death, I feel like we can all relate...that we can hear somebody describe those little things and feel the giant monster of pain within the heart.

And so it is with infertility, I think. I can only say "This is a really painful loss" in so many words, but all of these "little things" I have listed below communicate those feelings better than my few words can. The only problem is, unlike my example of death, most people cannot relate. And to them, when they read these little things, they just seem like little things. Insignificant. "Why can't she just move on? It's not the end of the world."

I am not saying the experience of loss through infertility is greater or more painful than loss through death, but that it feels very lonely. And it is yet another reason I am so thankful for the blogging community, that here, in this virtual space, I know many of you do understand what this list of "little things" communicates."

I have my first cold of the season. Boo to that! I haven't had to use my neb machine since February, so I'm hoping my asthma doesn't start acting up soon. Do you ever feel cursed? Just Friday I was telling a co-worker how I was surprised that I hadn't gotten sick yet! And wham! Immediate cold.

I'm off to my couch, to sip tea and watch The Holiday. Great movie...

Goodbye, December 12th. When they say "Time heals all things," I guess they mean more than a year. Perhaps next December 12th things will be so different :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Done with December

If you are looking for an uplifting post to read, this isn't it. Not tonight anyways. I feel so lost this month. And it makes me angry because I used to love December, I used to LOVE Christmas. This month, this week actually was so significant last year. It was when we found out we we're pregnant and miscarried all in the same week. Yesterday I was looking at the calendar at work and Dec 9th kept catching my eye and at first it didn't click. Decemember 6th we got the greatest surprise ever, December 12th we miscarried. And I then I remembered what December 9th was. I had an emergency appt at the OB because I started spotting the night before. We drove to the OB's office in a really bad snow storm. But everything checked out fine and we left there feeling so grateful that everything was ok. It was such a rollercoaster of emotion, to go from thinking the worst to being told everything was fine! And a few days later, things were not even close to fine...

It's just a tough month. We are really stressed about money. And I'm really sad that I can't buy many Christmas gifts this year. I always loved Christmas shopping. And I feel like there is no progress in the "getting pregnant" dept. We aren't doing any meds this month, and the way money is right now, we might not be able to next month either. I'm depressed about it. I feel like I'm letting these cycles slip away. And almost everyone around me is pregnant. It's really hard to have to this "lost and no end in sight" feeling.

Told ya this wasn't a happy post :)

A little light in all this, is we got to send out our pretty xmas cards this week. I really like how they turned out. We put some wedding pictures on them. I never did a photo card before. But I was really happy with them...

I guess I just can't see the big picture...

A year has gone by. Three years of my life I've been suffering from infertility. I just don't have much left in me. And I know all of you other bloggers know this, but the holidays are SO HARD :( So hard...


I am very blessed in other ways, though. Don't think I walk around miserable all the time. I'm just really done with all this heartache. It's crushing me. And I'm tired of saying " Yes, Im ok" when really I'm not.

Now that I'm done venting, I think I'll go force myself to watch a Christmas movie.

I just want my Decembers back.

In other words, I just want my life back. And the little life I had growing in me...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Baby Shoes

Today was a good day. I had lunch with my mom and then we did a little shopping. She was hesitant about dragging me into baby stores, in fear of hurting my feelings. But the truth is, I still love it. Shopping for baby stuff that is, even though it's not for myself. I have always had a love for cute little baby clothes and wander the kids departments, even if I have no one in particular to buy for at the time. Kids stuff just draws me in like a mosquito to one of those electric lamp things. Sure it may sting a little, but I can't keep myself away. Baby shoes get me, too. They are so tiny and cute! All I know is I'm going to have a very well dressed kid someday :)

I have an appointment with my old OB/GYN next Wednesday for my annual. I am giving them a second chance. Months ago I swore if I got pregnant again I was going to find a new OB. Had a bad experience with them on a visit. Long story, probably documented in my blog archive somewhere! But the nurse I spoke with today was as sweet as could be and she spent quite some time talking with me about some questions I had. So I am going back...


I saw this posted on FB under the "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope" site. It really got me good...


"Ernest Hemingway was given a challenge: to write a complete story, in under 10 words. Hemingway, known for his brevity, was able to do it in six."

For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Easy like a Sunday Morning

I'm having a little bit of "blogger's block." I guess I'm still processing things and learning to just try and move forward. Nothing really going on this cycle. I decided against buying the $20 dollar ovulation tester. Just can't spend the money on that. So I guess we are just in "see what happens" mode. I don't really have it in me to track anything with my cycle this time, anyways. We got our tree on Saturday!! After some TLC it no longer looks like a Charlie Brown tree :) We went with the economy tree, but with some love it looks really pretty! I have a long weekend, which is nice. Our wedding photos finally arrived!! Now the hard part is to decide which ones to frame or give as gifts!

I haven't really decided yet what we are going to do for this next cycle that will start (or hopefully WON'T start) before Christmas. I'm going to have to order the meds in a hurry if we want to go ahead with another injectibles cycles. I don't think we are going to look into IVF right now. I've been getting some good advice about that, and it seems like not something we need to do right now. We are still "sort of" young and we have conceived before, so the odds are still in our favor.

Just taking it easy on this very cold Sunday. Watching football with the hubby :) I saw some snowflakes today! And tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom :)

I remembered this morning that our glass angel ornament was in the bedside table. My mom gave it to us last year after we miscarried. And after Christmas last year I put in my bedside table, because I wanted it close to me all year long. I went to go get it to put it on the tree and one of the angel's wings are broken off. How symbolic of how I've been feeling lately. But I'm still going to hang it on the tree!

Tomorrow is December 6th. Last year on December 6th I took a pregnany test, saw two (surprising!) beautiful pink lines. Along with my wedding day, that morning of December 6th, was the happiest day of my life...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Can't stop Christmas...

It's like the Polar Express. It's coming fast, will definitely be on time and believe it or not, is full of magic. I have always loved Christmas and everything about it. This year however, I feel like I'm just pushing myself through it. I do have some Christmas spirit in me, but it's definitely not the same. Not as excited about Christmas shopping because money is tight. My honey and I put up lights outside the house and this weekend we are getting our tree. I'm excited but there's this cloud over me. Last year, we miscarried a few weeks before Christmas. THAT was tough. But for some reason I feel a little more sad this year. Probably, because right after the miscarriage we were so hopeful that we would get pregnant again right away. We thought for sure that since it happened once already, it was going to be somewhat easy to conceive again. Well, it's been a year already. A YEAR!!! 12 months has gone by. :(

And still no baby.

I'm hoping for some Christmas magic. I want to hop aboard the Polar Express and have Tom Hanks hole punch "B-A-B-Y" into my ticket. In the meantime, I'm going to try and let myself enjoy this holiday. And I'm going to start by watching Rudolph on TV tonight!

Thanks for all the comments on my last post! I got some much needed reassurance :)And I found out today our wedding photos will be here tomorrow or Thursday!! Moe-I had that Clear Blue Easy Monitor, but my ex-husband threw it away. All $300 of it. Yeahhhhh.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Getting it Together

The past six days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I go from feeling resilient to feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There have been quite a few tears with this past failed cycle. Yesterday probably took the cake. I'm finding it REALLY hard to be social. And if I do go out, the smile I show is a fake one. I'm just hurting so badly that most of the time my smiles are not sincere. I almost want to avoid social situations completely because I don't want anyone to think I'm being cold or a jerk. I don't want to bring people down. Yesterday, I was crying so hard that my hubby shed some tears too. He just wants to help me and take the hurt away, but feels so helpless. Infertility is so hard. It effects everyone around you, your friends, your family...

I'm thinking of maybe going to talk to someone, but I've tried that before and all I do is cry more. The counselor can't make me pregnant, but can take our money. Who knows, maybe it would help. Or maybe a group setting with other women who are struggling with IF. The only thing I'm afraid of with that is being a blubbering mess at every meeting. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I have to think about what the right thing is for me...

Everyone has their opinions about what I should do, drugs I should take, other doctors I should see. I've pretty much heard it all. Some the advice I get I welcome with open ears, because they are from people who have struggled with this too! But some advice, I'm like " Really? Are you hearing yourself right now?!" What my heart is telling me to do is to keep the faith and do what my doctor tells me to do. I can't be going in twenty different directions. Since I'm not doing a medicated/monitored cycle this month, I have my own little homemade recipe of how to cook up a natural Christmas miracle...

I'm going to buy the ovulation tracker pee stick things and use those. I've used them before, and they obviously didn't help, but who knows. I'll give it a try. And I think I might use what's left of my progesterone suppositories towards the end of the cycle. I know I shouldn't do that unmonitored. But my progesterone always seems to run low, so why not? And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think to stab my myself with the leftover Bravelle. BUT I definitely know that could be dangerous, so that's not in this recipe :)

I just want to feel like I'm trying something in the next few weeks. It's really hard to just let this cycle go by without some plan of action. I feel like I'm "wasting" it. But I know my body needs a break...

I'm hoping our wedding photos arrive this week. That would be a nice "pick me up." It's going on almost three months now! And we are battling it out (sort of) with our photographer. We were told when we hired her that it would take 6-8 weeks to get the pictures. Fine, whatever, I know it takes awhile and we were totally okay with that! Then 8 weeks went by still no pictures. So I sent her a nice email asking what was going on with them. She tells me that she's a little behind because she got married in September too. First thought was, ok why didn't you mention this to us when we hired you? She then tells me that she's the only one who edits at her company. Another thing she failed to mention when we hired her. So she tells me that I will receive them no later than this past week. No photos still. When should I start being a bitch about it? I'm so annoyed at this point. We want to do xmas cards and gifts with these. And my hubby mentioned that maybe she somehow messed them up and is trying to scramble to fix them. He's ready to take a drive down to her studio!! I know wedding photos take awhile, but this is starting to aggravate me. She is paid in full and it's three months later with no pics. I went on her FB photography page and she has posts of a wedding she did on Halloween!!! And Maternity ones she did this past week! I don't get why our wedding that was almost three months ago, has been put on the back burner. Ugh.

The point of this post is that I'm trying to pick up the pieces and get myself together. I don't like being a victim to Infertility. I'm doing what I can.

And that's the best I can do right now...

Friday, November 26, 2010

A Love Story

Today was a nice day. My hubby and I put up Christmas lights outside and we cooked on our brand new grill tonight. It was a wedding gift and we just got around to use it! Something about cooking a summer meal in late November is so much fun. I'm getting anxious for our wedding photos to arrive so I can order holiday cards already! We are kind of in a battle with our photographer right now. Long story for another post!

I received a comment from a friend and I wanted to share it. Because I'm in love with the idea of this being a "Love Story" someday :)

"I know this probably isn't of much comfort to you, but during this time of painful waiting, just know you are writing a wonderful love story for your child. This will be a tale of ups and downs, hoping and dreaming for a special child and a family that feels complete to you. It isn't a question of "if", but of when and how. The love stories most parents tell their children begin in a delivery room on the day of their birth. When you finally get to share your love story with your child it will begin with "we wanted you so badly"...and any child's story that begins that way will most certainly feel lucky and loved."

xxoo -C

:)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

My Life in Holidays...

Turns out, I didn't stop crying. I awoke in a great mood, made my birthday boy husband breakfast and started watching the parade. And then the sadness crept back in. Like it always manages to do.

I just got thinking of how every holiday I am wishing that I was pregnant. And after each one passes, I say to myself " Next (fill in the blank holiday) I'll be pregnant!" I'm so hopeful for each one. And then so heartbroken when I realize it won't be happening. I think this morning I was especially sad because of two reasons. We really thought this would be the most fantastic Thanksgiving ever, it's my hubby's birthday and we thought we would have great news to share. Also, I realized that last Thanksgiving we were pregnant. We didn't know it, but we were. What I would have given to just have known, to just have had that one holiday where I was completely glowing and overjoyed. Even though we miscarried two weeks later, I would have cherished that day, just to have KNOWN.

This Christmas is out of the question too, unless we are blessed with a (natural) miracle, since we won't be starting anything until the end of the month. I hate feeling like this, measuring my year by holidays that have passed where we still don't have a baby...

Today at my mom's was really tough. I tried my best to put on a happy face, but failed miserably. I had three glasses of wine within a one hour period. Then the numbness (I mean buzz) wore off and I started to feel sad again. It was so nice to see some family that I don't get to see that much. But I felt like a jerk for not being full of holiday happiness. I didn't want to bring them down. All I really wanted to do was to go home and lay with my husband on the couch and keep my miserable-ness to myself. Plus, AF arrived Tuesday night with a vengeance.

Will I ever feel like a normal person again? I know this is part of the process, and I have to give myself a few days to be sad and angry, but it's getting old. It's the same "process" every month. I am grieving...EVERY month :(

It's hard for some people to understand it all and how complicated these feelings are. The only people who truly understand are ones who have been through it themselves. I've turned into the anti-social girl with the constant broken heart.

I don't like being her. But I know that there's only one thing that will change that...

Today is my husband's birthday. He's an amazing guy and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He is always supportive and loving and makes me laugh even when I'm sad. I love you so much honey! I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else...

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Sorry this post was such a downer, I do know that I still have LOTS to be thankful for :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A "Thank You" on Thanksgiving Eve...

I'm not really in the mood to blog yet, but I just wanted to quickly thank everyone who has been supporting us, cheering us on and offering shoulders to cry on! I also want to thank all the other blog girls out there who never fail to send me encouraging messages...

I honestly could not get through all of this, without each and every one of you :)

Family, friends, bloggers, strangers! All of you out there!

I'm thankful that I've stopped crying. Everyone's love and support has given me the strength to get up and brush myself off. And to try again. I think we are going to start another injectible cycle/IUI around Christmas...

I'm still heartbroken and angry. But all there is to do is to move forward. To keep going. Keep hoping...

Oh, and I am going to indulge in lots of Pinot Grigio tomorrow at dinner. I need a DRINK! :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

100th Post

BFN.


Starting spotting last night. Woke up today with what could be compared to a Migraine and cramps from hell. I had to call in to work. The blood work this morning confirmed what I knew in my heart last night.

I can't believe this.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm frustrated.

When should I consider IVF? I have a horrible feeling that IVF is going to be the only thing that works for us. We would need to have $3,500 up front by the end of January. Which honestly probably won't happen :( Part of me just wants to start the adoption process, although I know that's big bucks too. What I don't want is another three years of this. I'm taking this next cycle off, mainly because of $$ issues but also I'm just so pissed. I feel like my body has failed me one too many times...

With every BFN I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall at 90 miles an hour. Something's gotta give.

I hate this :( I HATE THIS!

Happy F****** Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Birthdays, Belly Cramps and the Big Day...

BIRTHDAYS...

I'm finally able to talk about something that I haven't been able to the last few weeks! I threw my husband a surprise 30th Birthday party at a local sports bar here. He loved it and was TOTALLY surprised! It was great! He reads my blog so I haven't been able to post anything about it. His real birthday is on Thanksgiving. But it went great! It was a fun time and my husband really loved it :) I'm so glad I did it...

BELLY CRAMPS...

I'm bummed to say that I have been having mild cramps on and off for the last two days. It's really bringing me down, even though I'm trying SO hard to remain hopeful!! But this is just an all too familiar feeling that I can't shake. One minute I am SURE that I'm pregnant and the other minute I'm just so sad to possibly experience more disappointment. "The Girls" are still feeling weird, but other than that...I got nothin.' Just hope I guess. My husband woke up barfing his brains out last night. It was a fun time had by all. Poor guy. Hope its not a bug going around. I think it was maybe too much surprise party fun!

BIG DAY...

Tomorrow is test day. I have a super early appt for my blood work. Although, I'm not going to check the message or check the results online until I get home from work in the evening. Whatever the outcome, I want to be home with my husband for that. Tonight I am going to being praying hard. And tomorrow I'm going to be wearing the sea turtle earrings my mom gave me. Sea turtles are a symbol of fertility, supposedly. But even though they didn't work the first time, I'm giving them a second chance :) I'm also going to put that 4 leaf clover in my pocket that my friend from work gave me.

So, tomorrow evening I will write my 100th post. And I'm hoping that I have the most wonderful news to share with you all...

Any prayers are very much appreciated!! :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

11 days post IUI

And I'm not really sure what to think. I told myself I wasn't going to think about it at all, but come on lets face it, that's IMPOSSIBLE!

The past two days I've been feeling a little out of it I guess. Last night I felt like I was going to pass out almost. Maybe I was just really tired. A little boy in my class sneezed directly into my mouth on Friday. Really gross. And I'm praying that I don't get sick! I have been having some twinges here and there, some boob soreness. But honestly, nothing for the record books. So who knows. I will say that I feel a bit "different" but this could all be in my head.

Please God, don't let this all be in my head. Please make me the happiest girl in the world on Tuesday. I'm just ready for it to be our turn. Ready for this nightmare to over. We are good people and deserve this. We deserve to have a child and not 5 years from now, in 9 months!

I wonder if God signs on to Blogger and reads our blogs. That would be great. Being since I left something for him in the paragraph above :)

I guess beggers can't be choosers, but wow am I ready! I just want to be happy. Not that I'm not happy now, but you IF girls know what I mean...


Time to go relax. I've been go go go all day. And now I just want to stop stop stop. The couch is calling me.

Oh! And thank you to everyone who commented on my blogs the other day. I guess I can add paranoia to my list of possible preggo symptoms :)

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Girls.

Ok, so there's something up with The Girls (aka my boobs). TMI warning (Dad and Jim if you're reading!). For the past two days, they are hurting a bit. I keep sort of hitting them to try and remember if that's how they normally feel or if this possibly could be a good sign. And I'm more aware of them, like they've become their own being in the past few days. Not to mention spilling out of my bra a little! They just feel bigger and heavy and weirddddd...

Dammit! Why do The Girls have to do this to me!!! Getting my hopes up like that!? Because of course now I'm happy that they are uncomfortable because I'm thinking it could be good news...

Tuesday can't come soon enough. I really want to know if I will be drinking heavily at Thanksgiving dinner or if I will be overjoyed at the fact that I CAN'T drink!! I'm not a big drinker anyways, but I definitely know I'm gonna need a glass of wine (or four) if the news isn't good.

Can someone please do this crazy girl a favor and comment on one of my recent blogs? I have a feeling it's not working right OR my blogs are just really lame and no one cares :) If it doesn't seem to work, please let me know by email sarahjd47@yahoo.com

Thanks :)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Too tired to blog, so I'm posting a quote...

Plus, I have to keep up with blogging because I have to write my 100th post on Tuesday :)



"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
-- Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross

Do you know a lot of beautiful people?

I do :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pissed off at pickles.

So, if anyone is wondering if I have any symptoms yet, that would be a no. Well, there's maybe one or two but I'm afraid to label them as symptoms. Remember last cycle when I devoured a jar of pickles in two days? And I thought for sure I was pregnant? Yeahhhh. Turned out I was just a gross person who can eat a whole jar of pickles by herself in two days. Disturbing. I'm kind of pissed off at pickles, they tricked me last time. Anyways...:)

I have had a little soreness in the boob area. I find myself sort of punching them to see if it's my bra that's bothering me or are they really sore? I've also been getting up to use the bathroom twice in the middle of the night now, instead of just once. The thing is, is that if I am pregnant with the best Thanksgiving/Christmas/Husband's birthday present ever, I'm only a few days along. So realistically, the whole pressure on the bladder situation wouldn't be happening yet. I do remember "last time" though when I was around 4 weeks along and didn't know it, I was getting up twice in the middle of the night and didn't understand why!! The sore boobs could also be the progesterone maybe? I think I've read it can do that.

Who knows!!! I don't even want to fall in love with these "symptoms" because the only thing that will be truthful is the blood test next Tuesday. A good friend of mine has had some trouble getting pregnant again too. She texted me today that she is having her HSG next week and they are sending her to my clinic for it. The crazy thing is, is that it's the same day as my pregnancy test! I happen to think it's a good sign for both of us!! My appointment is an hour before hers, so I won't see her. But I just have this good feeling about it :)

Last night my sweet husband surprised me with a rose and chicken tacos!! It was yummy! And he knows that since I'm trying to diet during the week, he bought Weight Watchers shredded cheese! Which I though was super cute. He loves me that much that he's willing to eat no-flavor cheese :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hope.

During my early college years, while taking a few classes at The College of Saint Rose, I stumbled upon something that would have a great impact on me...

In an English course I was taking, one of our assignments was to choose a poem and memorize it. Then present it to the class. Back then, public speaking terrified me. I wasn't sure I could even do it. But I did. Somehow. And I really can't remember where I found this poem or why I chose it. But one things for sure, I NEVER forgot it. Interestingly enough, it resonates into my infertility struggles that I have today. Hope is a huge thing for me right now...

The poem I chose was...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope
by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ironic, isn't it? The only poem I have memorized to carry with me forever is one about Hope. Sometimes I really do think that every little decision and every little step or direction we take, leads us to where we are supposed to be. Even if it's years later...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Most Wanted Surrogates in the World

I was watching the movie "Baby Mama" last night. So funny! I've seen it so many times, but it still cracks me up. The movie got me thinking about surrogacy and this article I read in Glamour's November issue.

The article was about how military wives are the most wanted surrogates in the world. Why you ask? Well, as Glamour states, "Cash-strapped and alone on the home front, some military wives are making a living by carrying babies for other couples." I love Glamour, but that opening statement paints this picture of military wives being desperate or something. I myself was once a military wife. And I feel torn about this article. Because on one hand it's like they are saying, well military wives must not be able to have a career so they are going to get paid to have a baby instead. There are so many military wives out there who are well educated and have great careers, plus kids of their own! I can imagine that for many of them, adding "carrying someone else's child" to their to-do list can be a bit much!

My other view on this is that of respect. I think surrogacy is a beautiful thing. Even though most surrogates get paid, it's still such a gift to give to someone who cannot have a baby on their own. The military wife who they interviewed for the article, was 8mths pregnant with another couple's child. And is considering doing it again someday. She was quoted saying " People who don't approve of surrogacy often say, 'If God wanted a couple to have a baby, he would have made it so that they could.' But if I can give my kidney to someone who needs it, why not give a baby to someone who can't have one?" Another reason military wives are in high demand is because instead of the usual cost of a surrogate which can be $100,000-$120,000 it's about $25,000-$40,000.

I give this woman a lot of credit. Here she is with two young children of her own, a husband on deployment and another couple's baby baking in her belly. Now, that's a hard days work! Not to mention the emotional and physical exhaustion.

I'd like to say that I would be a surrogate for someone, someday. But the harsh truth is I can't even make a baby for my husband and I! :) I would definitely FAIL the surrogacy test...

Rock on Surrogates. We, infertiles, thank you. :)

Curtain Calls and Baby Laughter...

This morning hubby put up the curtains in our bedroom. It feels good to get stuff done around here. Even if it's little by little. Our spare room is just full of boxes and it's very overwhelming. This afternoon my mom and stepdad came by to help me hang the living room curtains. They rock. And now the living room is even cozier! Still lots to do in the house, but we are just going to take it one day at a time. Especially because we have bigger things on our mind.

Last night hubby and I watched the new Karate Kid movie. And then after we were looking at random YouTube videos on his new Droid phone (which is amazing btw). We came across one of a baby laughing and it was so funny. My hubby was laughing so hard he was in tears almost. I just hope in 9 months or so we will have a baby right in front of us, making us laugh. No more YouTube babies...

Got some sad news this morning from a friend in Hawaii. She miscarried at 10 weeks. I'm hurting for her because I absolutely hate that this can happen to people. It's just so hard and unfair. And devastating. It's a different degree of pain. I am thinking of her and praying that her heart will heal soon...

Hope everyone had a nice Sunday. GO CHIEFS!! :)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

You are my Sunshine.

I found another commercial that makes me cry.

The new Chevy one with the newborn babies? Yeahhhhhh. Just saw it yesterday and by the end tears were flowing...

And throughout the whole commercial they play "You are my Sunshine." Which has always been a special song for me, because my mom sang that to me when I was a baby...

Damn you commercials!! I'm doing fine and then WHAM! :)

It's been a nice Saturday. Indian summer here in NY and it's sunny and kind of warm! Hubby made the best breakfast sandwich ever this morning and I've just been doing stuff around the house today. Laundry, playing with Nole-the-Dog, and I made cupcakes. Ever just feel the need to bake???

What I really wish I was doing is shopping for clothes or Christmas shopping! My wardrobe is in need of a serious makeover, but no money to do it. Sighhhh.

Oh, and I think I'm going to fly out to Arkansas and hang out with the Duggars for awhile. Maybe their super fertile-ness will rub off on me. I heard their son and daughter-in-law are pregs again. Shocker. But I did hear she had a miscarriage, so naturally I feel a little bad for being jealous of their freaky fertility...

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Fall weekend...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thankful for a break.

I was thinking today how nice it is not to have to go to the clinic every other day and get poked and prodded. How nice it is to not have to shell out a bunch of money for co-pays for each of those visits. And not having to get up extra early to make it to the pre-work appts is great! And extremely nice not to have to do shots every night. This two week wait is also a two week break! I'm starting to think about what the next plan is, IF we need one. We won't. But if we do, I was thinking that we would take a break in December. Money is just not good right now and the holidays are coming. Basically, we can't really afford to try again right now. The co-pays alone put a big dent in things. So IF we need a plan, the plan will be "no plan." Probably just start again in January.

But we don't need a back up plan. :)

Maybe some of you are wondering what happened with all my computer troubles. Well, we got my desktop working. But I feel like it's a dinosaur. And we don't have a desk for it. So right now it's up on an end table and I'm sitting on a pillow on the floor. I really like using a lap top. So having to get used to this again is tough. But I am thankful that it's working!!

I somehow managed to fix the background on my blog. I hope it's visible to you all! Still needs some tweaking, but I am much happier with this look.

I was kind of freaking out the last few days. Tuesday after the IUI I felt really naucious and sick. And then Wednesday morning I woke up with awful cramping and a bloated feeling. Immediately all I could think of was the OHSS syndrome. Where the ovaries are overstimulated and it can be life threatening. So I called the dr and they said not to worry unless the pain increases and I feel short of breath. The nurse said it sounds like it could be ovulation pain. Which would be fabulous. But of course, I think the worse. That I'll end up in th ER in serious trouble and with a failed cycle. But thankfully I was feeling a little better today!! And my fears of OHSS are subsiding.

I was told that envisioning conception can help it happen. Very "meditation-like" but hey, I'll do anything at this point. So randomly throughout the day I think about a sperm and an egg meeting up and making a home in my lining. And then I laugh about it because I realize I'm picturing the opening scene in the movie " Look Who's Talking." :)

This is my 90th blog post!! Guess what I'm saving my 100th for? :)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

IUI complete...

But I'm feeling like crap. Good thing I had today off to rest, because this IUI was a bit different. The first nurse couldn't get the speculum right, because she said my cervix was tilted? Hmmm. So she tried with three different ones and finally had to go get help. The next nurse has some trouble also, but finally got it! It's so much fun having a variety of people all up in my lady business. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with that! But the IUI was extremely crampy and uncomfortable, but at least its over! And I'm not going to look into that as a bad sign that they had trouble! I'm just not. So, today I pretty much rested and tried to nap but was feeling really naucious for some reason. Some cramping too.

Now on to the 2ww and we'll find out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving! Yikes. I mean, YAYYY! :)

I'm kind of exhausted at pushing the "positive thoughts" thing on myself these last few cycles. So maybe I just won't think about it at all :) And get some great news in two weeks...

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned in my blog about my 911 "thing." I can try to explain but some of you might think I'm a wacko. Well, anyways, for years now I always seem to glance at the clock when it says 9:11. Morning or night. This doesn't happen all the time but it happens enough to sort of freak me out. And then I got thinking that maybe it means something. I'm a big "signs" person :) When we were on our honeymoon, right after the first IUI, the number of the condo we were staying at was 19111. So I thought maybe that was a good sign, turns out it wasn't. But a girl dream right? And then today I realized it's 11-9. Hmmmm. Technically "911" means an emergency and of course the date of the twin towers, but I guess I'm hoping my 911 "thing" has a happy meaning behind it...

We'll see :) Ok, back to the couch...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Snow and IUI #2 a go!

Today it snowed here in upstate New York, ladies. And it was wonderful. Big fat snowflakes. All. Day. Long. Came as a surprise too, because the forecasters in the morning were just saying rain and maybe some sleet. I even drove in it on my lunch break. Something about being out in the first snow is kind of magical in a way. The drive home wasn't so fun, but that's ok. Mother Nature is breaking us in already. I better look for my snow boots soon...

Had my appt this morning. Everything is going well! Better than ever, actually. Another nurse commented again about it being a "beautiful cycle." So, tomorrow is our IUI and I'm so hopeful. Extremely hopeful. I am ready to rock n roll. My mom gave me the trigger shot tonight, and I would love if that's the last shot I ever have to do...

I have the day off from work tomorrow, thanks to some very understanding co-workers. So, I can just chill out after the IUI and relax.

Today has me excited for all the good things to come, the holidays, snow, a baby...

Wish us luck! Actually, no, not luck. We need some kind of miracle here. :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Chicken Wings

Last night I had a mini breakdown. I think I was just overwhelmed with the broken computer and other stresses that are going on. My "diet" that I started a few weeks ago, consists of not drinking regular soda anymore and eating weight watchers smart ones meals 4-5 nights a week. So basically Friday and Saturday are my cheat days. We decided we were going to order pizza and wings for dinner. I had been craving them all day. Well, hubby gets home from picking up dinner and no wings. The fryer was broken at the pizza place. Has anyone had a moment where something very minor pushes you over the edge? Well, that's what happened last night. No wings plus being overwhelmed with life, equals disaster. I started sobbing. About everything. The broken computer (which we aren't going to fix because of the ridiculous cost), money, fertility stuff. Everything just came down on me at once. And I lost it.

As my husband was consoling me in my chicken wing freak out, the doorbell rang. It was my mom and stepdad. They were stopping by on their way to dinner to give me my shot. So, of course they saw me in breakdown mode. My mom gave me the shot and they headed to dinner.

It wasn't the chicken wings that made me sad. The chicken wings just were symbolic of everything that seemed to be going wrong. And lately I have this irrational fear of losing people close to me. I don't know what I'd do if my mom wasn't around when I have a baby. And I have fear of my husband not being around either. I'm trying to kick these thoughts. But I guess I'm just so fragile right now, that the thought of losing my two strongest supporters and the two people I love the most, makes me sick.

After we finished our pizza and salad last night the doorbell rang again. It was my mom with a take out box in her hand.

She brought me wings...

And I cried and laughed. I think it was a line from Steel Magnolias where Dolly Parton says, " Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tonight, the part of Pin Cushion will be played by Sarah...

Hi everyone! Just wanted to update my blog quick while I have a a computer. Borrowing my mom's for the night. Ours is still being fixed and it's been rough going without one for a week!! The computer tech guys called today and basically said our laptop is a p.o.s. Which it pretty much is. It's old, banged up and full of viruses and other problems. They did what they could but said the hardrive could crash anyday. So, we are hoping to at least get to Christmas with it. I rely on the internet so much! For bills, for email, for blogging, for FB stalking. haha.

This cycle is going "beautifully" the nurse said yesterday! Yay! Music to my ears. My lining is super thick and I have about four lead follicles. I go back on Monday for another appt and then they are thinking Tuesday for the IUI!!! Please let this be it! The shots have been a pain in the ass. Well, pain in the stomach I should say. I've become a pro at mixing the meds though, which is amazing because I hate even looking at needles. And if you were to watch me prepare the shots, you would think I graduated from nursing school! I guess I am in "do what I have to do" mode. I know this will all be worth it. A big thank you to my mom who has been giving me the shots everyday. That's one thing I know I couldn't do is give them to myself. I'd probably end up stabbing an organ or something. Or the needle would break off in my stomach or something weird like that. Not kidding, that's my luck :)

Speaking of luck, I received one of the nicest gifts from a friend/boss this week. She wrote me the sweetest letter and said that she was going through some of her old things and found something that might help me. As it was given to her by a friend a long time ago when she was going through a hard time. Enclosed in a jewelry case was a real four leaf clover. She told me she didn't need the luck anymore and that hopefully it will be of good use to me. And that I should pass it on, when I don't need it anymore. This really was one of the best gifts I've ever received. There are a lot of bad people in this world, but this gesture was a reminder that there are a lot more good people out there...

The gift I gave my mom's co-worker (mentioned in my last post) was well received. My mom said she cried and that she said " This is going to look beautiful on my little girl, and what I'm gonna do is save it for Sarah when she has her little girl." I'm so glad I did that. It felt so right.

It's been pretty busy the last few weeks. We are still unpacking and getting settled into the house. And I've been exhausted getting up extra early to go to appts every other day. Infertility and all it's baggage is so exhausting in every way! I really give all of you out there who are struggling with this, so much credit. Not to mention the overwhelming financial aspect of it!!!

I figured it out that if I have the IUI on Tuesday, after the 2ww, we would be getting the news right before Thanksgiving. Which is so exciting, and at the same time nervewrecking. I can't even describe how much I want this to work out. I don't want to be sad on Thanksgiving. I want to be giving thanks for so much more this year. Hopefully we will be :)

Maybe with the help of a four leaf clover...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Didn't know I'd need a medical degree...

To mix these meds! Tonight was my first night with the injectibles. The Bravelle and Lupron. Yes, I did have an instruction sheet and yes the nurse did (quickly) explain it to me. But I was listening between body shaking sobs, so I really didn't catch much. My mom came over to help us do this and we spent a great deal time laughing. Mostly because it really is confusing. My mom's a nurse so she understood some of it, but a lot of the directions were like reading chinese. I'm sure it gets easier as we go, but oh man, we had a hard time! And the shot hurt more than I thought it would. Not sure if it was the meds or just the intial stabbing.


My mom stopped at my clinic today and bought me Circle & Bloom. A meditation type thing for those of you who don't know. It's supposed to help you relax through treatments. And she randomly ran into the dr/founder of the clinic and had a 30 min convo about me. I've never met the guy. He only comes to the office on Thursdays. I think my mom was hoping he would be like " Here, take these free drugs for your daughter."


A woman my mother works with had a really hard time getting pregnant also. And she actually went to the same clinic I go to. She's due with a baby girl anyday now. They are having a baby shower for her at my mom's work tomorrow. I had this overwhelming feeling today that I wanted to give her a gift. I've never met her in person, but she know of my IF struggles and I hers. While moving this weekend I found a plastic bag with two (very adorable) baby girl outfits. I actually bought them almost 3 years ago, for my "someday" daughter. Yes, I know that might sound nuts, but they were really cute outfits and for some reason I had to have them. And save them. Well today I decided I wanted to give one of them to this woman that my mom works with. Because these outfits are somewhat special and symbolic for me. And giving away one of them to someone who once shared the pain I feel, and now has a happy ending, makes my heart feel good. I got her a card too, explaining the gift. I hope she likes it.


I may be MIA for awhile. Our computer crashed and we have to get it fixed or try to anyways. And I'm a little ashamed to say that I am going to be LOST without access to the internet for however many days. I'm honestly depressed about it. But hey, what can I do.
Borrowing my mom's laptop for tonight.

Today was our Fall Festival at work. The kids loved it and the adults did too! The creative women who put it together, totally go all out! They put a lot of hard work and thought into it. Everyone has their good and bad days at their job. Today was a good day. I was proud to work there, with those people and those kids. Kids who I would take a bullet for, any day of the week. I love them.


I am not going to lie though, I am loving that tomorrow is Friday! I need the weekend, BADLY. Especially after this week. I'm excited to get trick or treaters at our new house :) And it's my brother's Birthday on Halloween! Happy Birthday, Bro. :)


See you all in a few days, when we get our computer fixed. Unless, we end up dropping it off the roof in frustration...


Love you Mom, thanks for all you do.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Doing my best.

Doing my best to get through this really bad week.


Doing my best not punch people in the face who say " Maybe you guys just need to have a lot of sex!" Oh really?! You are SO smart. Why didn't we think of that. UGH.

Doing my best to not have a complete mental breakdown. Oh wait! That already happened. Today.

I had my Day 3 appointment this morning. I woke up just feeling really exhausted and sad, so driving to my crack of dawn appointment in the rain didn't help. When I got out of my car at the clinic, I saw that I had a flat tire! So that just added to things. Over the past few days my doctor's office has been trying to figure out with my insurance company what they will cover for injectibles. And the news wasn't good. We were going to have to cough up $915 dollars, of which we don't have. So I was really depressed about all that. Long story short, I was sobbing in the exam room, in full mental breakdown mode. Just so sad and overwhelmed. And they were really nice about it, saying it happens all the time there. But I still felt bad for freaking all of them out. I am going to start injectibles (tomorrow) but without Menopur. Has anyone else tried this? I am doing Bravelle, Lupron and then Novirel. With an IUI in a few weeks. I am nervous. Mostly because I hate shots and I'm going to be having to do them everyday. The ovidrel ones Ive done arent bad at all. But now I have to mix meds and all that. Probably going to enlist the help of my mom who's a nurse. I am excited and hopeful, but also curious to as how well this will work if I'm taking out the menopur? Confusing.

Today was just not good. I really think I may not leave the house this weekend. Drink wine and stay under a blanket watching all the Brothers & Sisters I DVR'D. We have a lot of unpacking and stuff to do with the house, but I feel like I need to take care of myself this weekend. And just RELAX. My couch, my dog and my hubby, thats all I need right now.

And our computer crashed. We need a new laptop in the worst way. I'm borrowing my mom's for the moment. But I hate not having a computer. I need to be able to blog (vent my crazies!). It's therapy for me.

Despite this awful and overwhelming week, I am doing my best to stay positive and keep moving forward. It may not sound like it, but I am. There is still a little piece of me full of hope and happiness. I'm not gonna let one really bad week, set the tone for weeks to come.

My friend's husband posted this quote on facebook the other night and I love it...


"Rejoice in appreciation! Too often we cloud our minds with illusion, focusing on the negative until it appears much greater than it is. There's so much to be thankful for each and every heartbeat."

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Depression, I don't have time for you.

I didn't have too much time to grieve about Friday. Didn't have time to be depressed. Which I guess was a good thing. We moved into the house this weekend. And we are so exhausted! Love the house, but not lovin' the being hit by a bus feeling and the fact that tomorrow is Monday. Two day weekends should be illegal.

I was a mess Friday. I sat in silence for awhile after hearing the news that it didn't happen. Actually, I looked at the results online first before I listened to the message. For some reason, I thought reading it would be less painful. But to be honest with you, I really didn't think it would be negative. This time around I just had a feeling in my heart that this was it. That we were pregnant. It just felt like everything was coming together. We had the IUI right before we left for the honeymoon. And it was perfect because I was able to be stress-free that whole week. We had so many people praying for us, family, friends, strangers. A patient my mom was visiting at a nursing home, got talking to her about how her grand-daughter had a hard time too getting pregnant. So the old lady took down our names and said she was going to pray for us. How sweet of her! A co-worker of my mom's goes on a pilgrimage type thing to the statue of the Madonna in Europe. And she takes prayer requests with her. You write your prayers on paper, seal it up and then she leaves it at the statue. Apparently people have been healed and prayers answered. So my mom wrote one for us. Friday I posted up sticky notes at work and around the house that said BFP. Power of positive thinking, right? Before work that morning when I went out to my car, I found a rose, cupcakes, and the sweetest note from my husband.

It just felt like we had all our ducks in a row. Like this HAD to be it. And then it wasn't. After sitting in silence for awhile, I then cried. Hard. For a long time. I think the pain of getting BFN's month after month is getting worse. This time hurt the most since the miscarriage. But I don't have time to be sad. We spent all weekend moving and now it's time to go back to work. I just have to keep going. And keep hoping that someday soon this will all be over.

In the middle of moving on Saturday I stopped to call the fertility clinic. I wanted to ask about ordering injectibles or what the next step should be. I'd like to do injectibles with and IUI this next cycle. But the lady that handles the meds said that she wasn't sure they would get here in time for the start of AF. I also thought about doing a unmedicated monitored cycle with an IUI. I'm not even sure if that's something they do. The meds/insurance lady was kind of bitchy. And that really annoyed me. She acted like she was too busy to be on the phone talking with me about ordering meds. Maybe she was having a bad day, I guess I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I was a little sad too because I didn't think I would be calling on Saturday to start all over. I thought that call would have been to set up my next beta.

I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get out of bed without the love and support from all my family and friends. Blog friends too! You all encourage me to keep going, keep trying and to not give up. I really feel I have the best husband in the whole world. He shows me so much love, even when he's hurting through all this too.

I know this will happen for us. We just have to keep going...

We're sad. But we are not going to give up.

Friday, October 22, 2010

My least favorite letters of the alphabet...

BFN.

I can't believe it. I really thought this was going to happen. I am so heartbroken right now, I don't even know what to say. Well actually I have a lot to say, but too broken right now to write anything...

Maybe tomorrow.

But for now, I am going to cry it out...eat something bad for me...and cuddle with my wonderful husband...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Don't stand a chance.

The jar of pickles in our fridge, don't stand a chance...

I bought them yesterday. YESTERDAY. And they are almost gone. Tonight I had the crazy urge to chase the pickles with diet orange soda. If I am not pregnant, I am going to be so embarrassed. Who eats an entire jar of pickles in two days??? Maybe a family of five. But not one woman. My "diet" started today too. I did ok. Besides the pickle problem. I was starving the whole time, but I tried to stick to smaller portions and had a Smart Ones for dinner. It's just hard, because this is a very stressful week. So much packing and organizing to do for the move this weekend, plus the anxiety over Friday's appt. I decided that I'm not even going to check my voicemail at work on Friday. I know the clinic will call me with the results, but I really don't want to know until I am home. Because if it's sad news, I just don't think I could get through my day at work. So, I'm gonna wait.

I'm kind of feeling blah and overwhelmed tonight. The one room with all my crap in it is a complete mess and I don't know where to start. I'm just exhausted already and the week just started. Mondays are no fun, especially Mondays after a vacation.

I want another pickle.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Bang head here.

My blog is all effed up. I've never been good at changing my templates and backgrounds. The ones that have turned out ok, just happen to look good by a big dose of luck. I'm not good with computer stuff. Last night I tried to change my background to a cute Fall leaves one and now it's all jumbled up with red. And I'm done trying to figure out how to fix it, because it seriously makes me want to bang my head against something :) So I'm walking away, from blog design 101 for awhile...

Reality welcomed us back today with a flat tire! Yay. I feel like my car is falling apart. I love my car. It's a dark blue Cadillac CTS. But lately it's falling apart on us. The right side mirror fell off. We glued it back. It fell off again. Before we left for Florida, the check engine light came on and there was a rattling sound. Now the rattling sound is gone, but the check engine light is still on. And now I need a new tire. My hubby does his best to fix what he can, but this all costs so much!! Its so annoying.

Tomorrow is day one of my new diet!! I don't really have a set goal. I just want to start eating better and taking smaller portions. Hopefully I'll lose a few pounds! Today for lunch I had 4 pickles and a jelly doughnut. As mentioned above, diet starts tomorrow not today:) I had a major craving for pickles. I know what your thinking...pickles? Pregnant? But I have had this pickle craving before. I remember back in the beginning of my IF journey, I found these cute pregnancy announcements online. They had a bowl of ice cream and a pickle on the front. Wow, that feels like such a long time ago. Today a good friend of mine started her IF journey. And I told her I hope that it is short lived :) I hate seeing anyone go through this...

So, today I am 9 dpiui (days post IUI). Not really feeling any symptoms, other than some cramps on and off. Has anyone else out there experienced almost no symptoms and had a positive test? I know it would be really early, but I keep hoping for some symptoms. It's so evil how period symptoms are almost the same as pregnancy ones!!! I just need some hope, so any of you out there that has conceived through IUI's..please let me know!

These week is going to be so busy. Between work, moving into the new house, car repairs, and the bloodtest on Friday, I am going to be exhausted. Plus, I am cutting out caffiene all week, and pretty much food in general. Well, that's what the first week of a diet feels like anyways :)

Favorite feeling of the day:

(As we are driving back from filling my tire with a fix-a-flat and putting air in it)

Hubby: We might have to get new tires on your car for the winter. I don't want you driving around on these with the snow, being pregnant.

Me: (immediate butterflies in my stomach at the word "pregnant")

Crappy feeling of the day:

Seeing super cute halloween costumes for kids and not having a kid to buy one for. Still.

Off to relax a little :) Big week ahead...





'

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Honeymoon Baby?

We just got back from our honeymoon and it was AMAZING :) Just what we needed and more! We went to Sunny Isles Beach in South Florida. Hubby's aunt and uncle own a high rise apt on the ocean there and they graciously let us use it for the week! This place was unreal. Like a penthouse apt out of a magazine. Floor to ceiling windows everywhere! So beautiful. We were very spoiled this week. And we deserved it!! :) We just had a really good time together and it was stress free!! Something we knew nothing of lately! It felt so good to just not think of anything, but us...

And now we are back in chilly New York. But thats ok. Next weekend we move into our new place. Pretty excited about that. Not the moving tons of crap, but the new space part :) We stopped over at the new house when we got back to check on things, and my lovely mother had bought us a new dish set that matched our new dining room chandelier. She also bought a really cool curtain for our kitchen sliding glass door and a bunch of other stuff. She had the kitchen table all set up like a dinner for two with fake daisies (our wedding flower) and our wedding invite framed. Have I mentioned I have the best mom in the world? Seriously. My mother in law had our new grill put together for us too! We are so lucky to have family that are so supportive and helpful. This past week Hubby was saying that he can't wait to teach our kids the importance of "family." Family really is...everything...

I can't say a honeymoon baby wasn't in the back of our minds this week. Because it was. After the IUI last Friday, I told myself I wasn't even going to think (obsess) about it. But Sunday night I started getting some cramping, mild cramps but still it shook me a little. They've continued on and off. And I know this could be a good thing, but the broken part of me still thinks the worst sometimes. I always have been envious of couples who go away on their honeymoons and come back..BAM! Pregnant. Like all they had to do was think it. And maybe, just maybe that will be us too. Except for that fact that there was a lot of thought and medical intervention put into this. Not the classic, too much champagne equation. We'll see next Friday when I go in for my bloodtest! I'm not gonna test at home this time.

Fingers crossed!! :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

Check.

IUI? Check.

This morning went well! Now on to the two week wait...

Well, we won't be doing much waiting, since we leave for our honeymoon tomorrow!! :)Florida here we come!!

I'll post more about the IUI when we get back. See you in a week!!

Thanks for all the prayers and kind words :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It's a GO!

Tomorrow we are having our first and hopefully only IUI!!!!! I had my appointment this morning and I have two big follies on my right! I am really excited, anxious, nervous, HOPEFUL!!!! Cautiously optimistic...

I was nervous because the appt didnt start off great. Nurse Awesome wasn't there, but I got Nurse Kinda Awesome, so it was ok. But she couldnt get any blood from my right arm, which has never happened. She had to poke my left arm and that finally worked.

So, here we are on the eve of our IUI. Please God, let this work. Everyone has been so supportive and praying for us, and I can't thank you all enough.

It was funny because today another classroom borrowed our ipod for a little bit. Later in the day, when I went to go get it back from them I said " Can we take our IUI back now?" haha Instead of, "Can we take our ipod back now?" Wow. I dont think the other teacher really heard what I said, but I couldn't believe I said that. So funny.

My mom just came by the house and triggered me!!! She's a nurse, so I trust her with injections more than I trust myself with it...


She also brought me earrings that she bought in Hawaii that have sea turtles on them. Sea turtles are a symbol of fertility because they lay lots of eggs!! So, I am going to wear them to our appt tomorrow :)

Wish us luck! And then on Saturday we are off on the honeymoon!! Yay! :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Thank you, Nurse Awesome.

I had an appointment this morning to check on things. I was so relieved to get the nurse I really like, who I'm now calling Nurse Awesome. She's just so nice and when she comes into the room I feel relaxed and not on edge. And today she did both my bloodwork and ultrasound. Usually, it's two different people on each task. She said I had some pretty follicles growing, a few at 15 and some at 14!!! Which is progress!! I was so relieved. It was just what I needed to hear. I have an appt on thursday morning, and the plan is so far to trigger thursday night and IUI friday morning!! I am praying this plan...stays the plan...

I did ask Nurse Awesome what my Estradiol level should be at with what my follie size was and she said probably around 300-600. But when I got home tonight and checked my results online, the Estradiol was only at 176 :( So I'm not sure if that's a bad sign or not. I emailed Nurse Awesome, so we'll see what she says. I just hope Friday will still be a go.

Keep cookin' follies!!!! Let's DO THIS :)

My early morning visits to the clinic have been interesting. And the same feeling always comes over me when I walk in there. I think I've mentioned before in a previous post, that the fertility clinic I go to is absolutely beautiful. Leather couches, a fireplace, Keurig machine, classical music, just really really nice and calming. There's a whole fertility spa upstairs. But as I wait for my name to be called each time, I watch all the other women (and sometimes their partners/spouses) come and go. And I feel this immediate connection with them and a shared sadness. I always wonder what their stories are. How heartbroken are they? Did they just maybe get good news? Are they about to go in for their first IUI or IVF? Do they cry as much as I do?

It's a like a club in a way. Like a secret hideout where we are all gathering together with the same goal...to make a family...

Sometimes I just want to introduce myself, or say hello, or even hug them. But I don't. I just sit and pray for good news...

And then I pray that I'll get to work on time...

Stay tuned for news of the Ovaries Oven and Nurse Awesome.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Carpet, Carseats and Clomid.

Have I mentioned that Clomid is evil??! I mean, of course, if it helps with the desired end product, then it's worth it. But, man, it makes me nuts...


We were painting at the new house this weekend! Got a lot done!! But our spare room (aka future baby's room) has 1970 pepto bismol pink carpet. The house is a bit outdated and we are doing our best to fix it up. We checked this weekend underneath the pepto carpet to see if there were hardwood floors underneath, but there isn't. So I immediately said well "If we have a baby, there is no way in hell, I am bringing our precious newborn back to this nasty carpet, we're getting new stuff put down." And then Hubby said " Well we'll have to see." And Clomid took over and I just about breathed fire. My poor husband. There were other comments made too from our family, "Well if its a girl, pink would work!" :) Yes, I suppose if it was cleaned, but still, if we have a baby, new carpet is going to be put down. Cue Hubby backing up saying "Yes, Dear." See? Clomid makes me crazy.

Is it completely psycho that when I'm driving my car and I happen to look in the backseat, that it makes me sad? Sad because I'm imagining there should be a car seat back there? On a number of occassions, when talking about my car in conversation, Hubby has mentioned out of nowhere " Your car has a good amount of room for a car seat." Every time this comes up, my heart melts for some reason. Maybe because it reminds me that the hubby wants this just as badly...

We are so excited about moving! My MIL bought us new living room furniture and my mom and stepdad got us a Lowe's Giftcard. Things are moving along! Got a lot done this weekend thanks to a good friend and our family!

I have an appointment early tomorrow morning. I hope they tell me something good. I need some good news in the baby makin department. We have a binder that we started to keep house stuff receipts and I labeled a folder "Baby Makin'" for ALL of those many, many receipts. I'm on hubby's insurance now, so things should be a little better cost wise.

Honeymoon in 6 days!! Can't wait!! Starting October 19th (after the honeymoon) I am getting back on Weight Watchers. Can't stand being obese any longer. And it can only help our fertility situation...

We had perfect Fall weather this weekend..sunny and cool! Love it! And I got a pumpkin coffee from Dunkin Donuts today and it was pretty much heaven.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my Clomid pills...:)

Friday, October 1, 2010

Clomid: Day 1,320,000

Or so it feels like...

I have been a mess this whole week. Just tired and miserable, sad and stressed, scared and confused. It just has not been a good week. As I mentioned in my last post, our IUI was cancelled the meds didnt work. So now I am repeating Clomid in the same cycle and it is kicking my ass.

The mood swings, the hotflashes, the everthing...

Not every day this week has been horrible though. We did get the keys to the house and picked paint colors! So we are having a marathon painting session this weekend and are going to try and get most of it done. We are excited about this new place. This new start...

What we are really looking forward to is our South Beach Honeymoon in a week!!! It is SOOOO needed. And we are going to enjoy every second of it.

My next appointment is Monday. Maybe my luck will turn around and I'll get some really good news. Let's hope. In a perfect world, I would like to be able to sneak an IUI in before the honeymoon. Even if that means swinging by the clinic before our flight to Florida :) Lil' desperate? Maybe. Or maybe not, from you IF readers :)

My friend "L" just had her second baby! A BOY!!! Congrats to them!!! She has been one of my very best cheerleaders throughout all this IF stuff. :)

I think I'm going to put myself to bed. Rest up for paint-a-thon 2010 and try not to think about this crappy week. Which included the glass from one of my side mirrors on my car (which we just had replaced), falling off while driving. Or maybe the rattling noise we keep hearing from my car. Or maybe the check engine light that came on tonight. Awesome.

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Right. Or gotta get through the rain to see the rainbow!? Sure.

Thank you honey for loving me, even when I'm not so lovable...

Honeymoon in 8 days!!! :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Defeated.

Today sucked.

I learned a few things today.

The meds in this cycle did not work.
The IUI is cancelled.
I have to repeat Clomid (starting tonight) and hope for the best.

I had a mini meltdown on my lunchbreak today. Crying to my mother about how I'm scared I will never be a mom and how unfair this all is. How we might not be able to afford IVF and/or adoption...

This is all so hard. I feel defeated. I feel like this may never happen for us. I try so hard to stay positive and be happy and hope for the best. But there are times through this IF process where infertility just hurts so bad that nothing can take the pain away...

Monday, September 27, 2010

My ovaries are sooooo lazy.

Today, was a bad Monday. I know it could have been way worse, but it was still bad. I was really really tired and it poured here all day. I had my appointment early this morning. I was actually excited to go because I have been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this IUI the past few days. At my last appointment I was told that it would probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. But that's not going to be the case now.

The nurse who drew my blood might as well have taken a rusty seraded kitchen knife and cut my arm, letting the blood just drip into the vile. She was as nice as could be, but oh man! She jammed the needle in. I have been so impressed with this clinic with their blood drawing abilities (never hurts!) up until today. And then confusion came when the tech was measuring my follies. Last week a different tech said I had a "ton" of follies on one side and two or so on the other. That was such promising news! And then today the tech said I had three. JUST THREE??!! Two of them at about a 9 and one at a 10. Last cycle when I did Femara, I just had one but it was at 19! I was just so let down. And confused. How could I go from having a "ton" to three? Did some just stop growing?! I didnt ask the nurse why that was, because I guess I was just in shock that the IUI would not be happening tomorrow. Luckily, I have a friend who used to be an IF nurse and she's been helping me undertstand the technical stuff.

So, here I sit waiting for these follies to grow nice and HUGE! I have an appt on Thursday and Im praying for some good news. Then the IUI will likely be Friday or Saturday.

Oh and I hurt my arm last week picking up a really big kid in our class. Had to go for an xray and found I have tendonitis in my arm which was aggravated by picking up the big kid. It was so painful, but they gave me some drugs to help and I think it's slowly getting better. I asked the nurse to take my bp today on the opposite arm, after telling her what happened with it. She then went on to say that she knows what it's like picking up a big kid, because her niece is a little "heffer". Yes, those were her exact words. Kind of funny, but at the same time I was thinking " Wow, she just called her niece a heffer." :)

Then, to end my Monday, I had to go pick up pre natal vitamins from the pharmacy after work. I pretty much dislike having to go and do that, because I feel like a fraud. I feel like the cashier is thinking "Awww she must be pregnant" and I want to just scream out loud "NOPE, not preggs people." I guess it just makes me sad to have to take these, when theres no baby...

So thanks, Monday, for bursting my happy hope bubble. Thursday, you better be good to me...

Please.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Fall-ing in love...

Happy First Day of Fall!

I LOVE this season. It is by far my favorite. And my husband loves it as well. There are so many things to love about it. The cooler weather, the pretty leaves, the jeans and hoodies, the tastes and smells! I love pumpkin and apple candles. I used to buy the expensive Yankee Candles, but last year we found out that the Wal-Mart (Mainstays)three wick candles, are the way to go. They smell AMAZING, last a long time and wait for it...only cost $3.97!!!!

I had another appointment this morning. Bright and early at 7:15. I think the sun was just rising as I left the house. Wayyyy to early for me, but very much worth it. The usual occurred: bloodwork and ultrasound. The tech gave me hope when she said I had a "ton" of follies growing on my right side and just a "few" on my left. Still pretty small. But I don't think I've ever heard a tech tell me I had a "TON" of them. So that was exciting. I have another appt on Monday morning, so hopefully these things will GROWWW. C'mon Clomid, do your job. So, we are looking at our first and (hopefully) only IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm worried about the timing of it all, but I just have to trust in the doctors that they know what they are doing. My boss is so graciously letting me take the day off, on the day of the IUI. I just want to put my mind at peace afterwards and not be running around. If I could hang upside down all day, I would :) Hmmm, where is the nearest playground? Monkey bars, here I come :) ha

I'm hoping this works for us. We deserve for this to work for us...

Tomorrow is Friday!!! We are probably going paint color shopping and couch shopping this weekend. Gotta get moving with the house!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Watch for Children

Hello everybody! Yup, I am still alive and well :) Sorry for the lack of blogging...we've been very busy! I still try to keep up with everyone's blogs here and there, even though I don't always comment :)

Just a quick update...

Life as newlyweds is going great :) We just received our wedding video from an awesome (and very talented) family member. She just started up her own photography business and as a gift, put together an amazing wedding video for us! We love it and will probably be watching it A LOT! I will post pictures soon, we've received a couple but I am waiting for the professional ones that take about 6-8 weeks. I'm usually pretty patient, but in this case...I can't wait to get them!

Other exciting news, we've found a new place to call "home"!! We are super excited and can't wait to get in there and start painting in October. Hubby can't wait to put up xmas lights this winter and I am itching for mums and pumpkins on our front steps! :) We are happy with our find. Small house, great neighborhood, close to pretty much everything, and good schools:) For, the future kid(s)...

AF showed on Tuesday. I was a little bit heartbroken. I was hoping that it might of just "happened" these past two months. I was trying really hard to be less stressed, happy and just not thinking about it all the time. And I thought maybe all the happiness and love from the wedding, would just create a baby. Like a wedding gift, or something :) But it didn't turn out that way. Thursday I was back at the fertility clinic. We are on Day 4 of Clomid and we are going to try our first (and hopefully only) IUI. I had a mini breakdown the night before the appointment. My poor husband coming to my rescue once again. I was just really sad that we were having to start this all again, I was already exhausted. Exhausted just thinking about all the appointments, all the meds, all the ups and downs, all the waiting, all the possible sadness...

I remain hopeful. I'm not going to stop feeling hopeful. Ever. I just wish this was all easier. The nurse mentioned that my next step (if needed) after this cycle would be injectibles. And then IVF after that??! Terrifying. I'm sort of at the point now where I'm in shock at the progression of it all. I'm almost at the end of the rope. IVF...the bus either starts or stops there.

We are getting excited for our honeymoon to South Beach in October! :) Just three more weeks!

Oh, to explain my post title...

We had an ice cream truck come to our wedding, instead of doing a wedding cake! LOVED IT...and so did everyone there! The photographer took some pictures of the two of us, posing around the truck. And the day after, we realized that there would be one of us standing under the "Watch for Children" sign that most ice cream trucks have :)

Coincidence? :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Love & Marriage

We are Married!!!

Our wedding was just perfect. That's the only way to describe it! I've never felt so much love in one room (well, tent). :)

I'm completely exhausted, so there's not going to be much to this post. I promise a longer one and maybe pictures soon!

A friend of my mother's commented that the wedding was "magical." It really was! Best day of our lives.

Now, we wish October would get here so we can go on our honeymoon :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Cheesecake, Children, Crystal Balls...

Last night I had my final dress fitting. And thank you, Jesus, it zipped up! Lots of back and arm fat spillage, but it zipped up and I absolutely love it. I'm so focused on other things this "time around." Of course I want to look beautiful on our big day, but it's really different this time. I know I found the love of my life, and everything else regarding the wedding seems so small in comparison. I'm not obsessing about my weight, or the perfect this or that. I'm just simply content, happy and in love. For example, my mom and I have been looking for a necklace to go with my gown. I already bought earrings and a bracelet, but we were still searching for the perfect necklace. Then my mom came across a necklace of my Aunt Roselyn's (Aunt "Rhodie" we called her) and I immediately knew that was what I wanted to wear. No, it doesn't match the earrings and bracelet perfectly, but I was so close to my Aunt Rhodie and to have her there with me when I get married, just even in a necklace, means more to me than I can describe.

My Aunt Janie and Nana are up visiting my parents and my aunt came with us to the dress fitting. It was a nice evening and we went to the Cheesecake Factory after the fitting. I've being trying not to focus on the "lack-of-baby" situation, but yesterday it kind of poked me letting me know that "Hey. It still is what it is, girl." Earlier in the day at work, I overheard one of the parents next door announcing that she was pregnant with twins. Her little boy is in the class next door, and I just felt so jealous that she already had this cute little boy and now they we're expecting twins! And then our waitress at the restaurant was pregnant and rubbing her belly while she read off the specials. I always feel this sad/jealous feeling when I hear of baby announcements or see pregnant people , but then I'm quick to stop myself because there is NO WAY I would wish infertility on anyone! So my sad/jealous feelings, are usually washed away and replaced with happiness for the person. So many of my fellow IF blogger friends just received great news and/or had their babies!!!! :) Congrats to you all and it's giving me HOPE!!!! :) Sometimes I feel left behind, like a "When is it my turn?" kind of feeling...but I know our time will come...again...

I just want to have a child. For us to have children. I want to be a mom. I look at people with children, and wonder if they know how lucky they are. I guess I'm just feeling a bit sad, to think we may never have them or be able to afford IVF or adoption for that matter. I just wish I knew that everything was going to be ok. A crystal ball, a genie in a bottle, a "Back to the Future" moment would be great right now...

There's so much that is still unwritten.

Now that my pity party is over, WEDDING IN 8 DAYS! :)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Feelin' the Love

In less than two weeks I will be marrying the love of my life! And we are getting SO excited! I think the next couple weeks are going to be pretty emotional. Matt and I have both said that we're probably going to cry at the wedding. I know for sure, I will. I've been crying at the drop of a hat this past year. So I know that on our wedding day, there will quite possibly be tears. HAPPY TEARS:)

On Friday, one of Matt's best friends got married. Matt was a groomsman and looked so handsome in his tux. I've seen him in a suit before, but never a tux. I was kind of bummed because we couldn't sit together at the wedding, but I had a blast anyways. They sat me with other friends of ours (awesome friends) so I was happy. It was a really fun night and the wedding was beautiful. At the cocktail hour they gave everyone a long stemmed red rose, which I thought was a nice touch. It was really nice to see Matt with his friends in such a momentous occassion as his friend getting married. You could just FEEL the love between them, it was really cute. And I'm glad to know that my honey has such good friends. They may be manly, sports-lovin, handsome dudes, but at the end of the day they're just humans..with big ole hearts...

Got a BFN on Thursday morning. AF showed Thursday afternoon. Yup. What a wonderful wedding gift that would have been, but I guess it just wasn't in the cards. Or something. I guess the silver lining on that dark cloud, is that I'll be able to drink at my wedding! And I guess it would have spared that "pre wedding made baby" the fun of doing the math when its older and finding out that he/she was already-a-cookin' before mom and dad were married. Not that I would have cared, situations like that don't bother me. If that were that case, I would have just told that child , " We wanted you so badly, that we didn't want to wait." It's always good to tell the truth :)

Six days of work left! And then I can really focus on our big day! I have my final gown fitting on Wednesday. I just hope it zips up. I need a BFP on the zipping up of the dress, people :)

Friday, August 13, 2010

This month must have wings...

Because it's seriously flying by! Maybe because we are so busy getting things ready for the wedding, but it's kind of sad to think Summer is almost ready to "peace out."

We are in crunch mode with Wedding stuff. Right now, we are working on table seating, which is pretty much the crappiest puzzle everrrr.:) We're trying not to stress about it, but me not stress? Impossible :) I found out this week my good friend, Lauren, can't come up for the wedding :( She was a bridesmaid and was pretty much my rock in Hawaii. Even though Ill miss her, I totally understand. She's very preggo right now and they just moved to Maryland. Her husband whos a marine,just started a new assignment and he can't get the day of the wedding off, which means they would have to drive up that day, with their two year old little girl. Just wouldn't work out. But I joked with her that I might photoshop her into the wedding pictures :)

This post was originally going to be a "copy and paste" of a friend's email. She sent it a few weeks ago, venting about comments she received at a bbq regarding her struggles with pregnancy, etc. I asked her if I could put it on my blog, because it was funny (well not funny) because a lot of the comments were hurtful, annoying and downright rude. Comments a lot of us IF girls hear quite often. But me with wedding brain and due date blues, accidently erased the email...

It's amazing though how insensitive people can be. And sometimes it's not fair for us to just assume they are complete asses. Before I struggled with IF, I'm pretty sure I probably made a comment or two to a friend or a random person I'd meet, like " When are you guys having kids?!" Or something to that effect. And now I feel like a jerk because those people could have been dealing with infertility...and I could have been that person they wanted to punch in the mouth. I love the quote I have on my FB page. I heard/read it somewhere and it really hit me. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

So true.

I met a friend for dinner this week, up at a bar & grill near my work. We had a fun time laughing and chatting about this and that. She's dealing with similar issues as I, so it was nice to vent about the good things going on but the obvious sucky things too. While we were eating dinner, music was blasting from a jukebox that a drunk woman was unfortunately in control of. We saw two guys sitting at the bar, one was congratulating the other and they clinked their beers. One of the men had a hospital bracelet on and a really nice camera sitting on the bar near them. The place we were eating at was right across from the hospital. My friend overheard them talking and the one guy's wife just had a baby. He was celebrating the birth of his child. And we were jealous and sad. Happy and "awww-ing" for his situation. But sad for us. We wanted that. We want a hospital bracelet and a camera full of newborn pictures. We want our guys, happy, proud, excited with first-time-father feeling. A few minutes later, my "theme" song came out of no where. Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet." My friend got excited and said, " It's your song!" :) Thank you drunk lady for lifting our spirits just by pressing "play." I love moments like that. Where something happens at just the right time. Our next thought, for the new dad at the bar was " Get your ass back to the hospital to be with your wife and baby!" :)

Note to soon to be hubby: If you are in a bar anytime during childbirth or shortly after, they may have to come up with a new definition for the phrase "pissed off." But I know my man, and I know he wouldn't leave our side :)

I've been trying not to think about "cycle" stuff this month. I wanted to be able to just focus on the wedding and be happy. And I think it's working! I think we are going to start treatments again in September. If need be, that is. Then Ill be on Matt's insurance, which is better than mine. Although, I'm concerned because that cycle probably won't start until late September and go into October..and we'll be on our honeymoon! So, Im not sure how that will work out with monitoring and all that. Plus, we wanted to try an IUI, so that complicates things a bit. I guess I'll just try to think positive and hope that it all works out somehow. I definitely do not want to wait until October to try again. That's for sure.

It's Friday the 13th. Found out today that the twin IVF girls in my class, were born on Friday the 13th. I'm a sign girl, and this makes me want to pee on a stick tonight. Because maybe Friday the 13th isn't all about "bad things." There's obviously good happenings too, like the twins. But you know what, I'm not going to poas, because if it's negative, I'll blame this "superstitious" day. And I don't want to be pissed off at another day on the calendar...


Have a good weekend everyone :)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

August 7th

Today, I should've had a baby in my arms. Today was our due date. I've been bracing for this day, ever since we lost our baby. I've pictured it to be messy, angry, sad, confused, empty. But I'm actually feeling just a numb kind of pain in my heart that's preventing me from just breaking. I also had some nice distractions today too. And that helped a lot. For awhile now, I was planning on releasing a pink and blue balloon to symbolize the baby we lost. To get some closure. Or something. But I backed out on that idea. This morning, Matt and I talked about it and I shed a few tears. But that's all I was going to allow myself. It was a beautiful day outside and I wasn't go to let heartbreak rule my Saturday. I ended up doing some wedding stuff at my mom's and then laying in the pool. At one point, I think I started to doze off on the float, and when I opened my eyes I was looking straight up into the bluest sky. It made think that Heaven has to be up there, because that sky was so beautiful and it gave me peace to think that our baby is up there. In the beautiful blue.

Even though I'm not holding a baby, I am holding onto hope. I would give anything for a crystal ball or a genie to grant me a wish. I know there is a plan for us, but the not knowing "if" or "when" part kills me. I think my biggest fear through all of this is another miscarriage. I'm not sure how much more I can beg and bargain with God.

In the meantime, we have a WEDDING coming up :) Lots of good things to come.

And I'm so ready for all of those good things...

*Bought a wall hanging today that says "Keep Calm and Carry On." How fitting :)