Saturday, February 23, 2013


If you are in need of a good ya go...

And even though this letter speaks the truth...having a baby is still all worth it :) 

Friday, February 15, 2013

The Great Debate

This post has been swirling around my brain for awhile now, but I haven't been able to actually put it into words. Mainly, because I'm so undecided about how I really feel about the topic. But I know I can't be the only woman out there to ever have these feelings, so why not just share?

I always thought that I wanted more than one kid. This is prior to the infertility struggle. When I was blissfully unaware and "fertile" I always pictured my family with more that one child. I always said I wanted three. But two would be nice also. I really didn't want my child to be an only child. To grow up without any siblings. I wanted he or she to have someone to grow with, to fight with, to laugh with, to have someone to lean on and go to and have family holidays with long after we were gone. I just didn't want my child to be alone in the world I guess, if something were to happen to us. But with that said, I know that only children can grow up to have wonderful lives and friends who are just like brothers and sisters! So, I do not in any way think being an only child is a unfortunate thing whatsoever. I grew up with a younger brother. It was honestly great. Yeah, sure, we had our sibling rivalry moments but we also had great memories too. I did however wish I had a sister in addition to my brother. Just another girl to share in all my "girl" issues. I know, it seems like people always want what they can't have and think the grass may be greener if they had another sister/brother/more siblings/less siblings. No one seems content in the moment, but after you grow up and look back, it was just perfect as it was...

Post the infertility war (in which we finally claimed a victory!) my views on expanding our family are a little...blurred I guess...

I do know that I want another child. A sibling and life long friend for Samantha. Yet, I'm having trouble picturing it. Maybe it's a little sadness that Samantha had a twin. And her twin left us very early on in the womb. I keep thinking that I should have two sweet beautiful one year old babies. I wonder what it would have been like. Yes, busy. Yes, exhausting. But I bet it would be wonderful, too. I think about that baby now and then I wonder if it was a boy or girl. Samantha had a sibling. Once upon a time, she had a sibling. And part of me (a big part of me) feels the need to make that happen again for her.

The issue is, when? How?

I feel like I am half-hearted about it. I feel like I need to do it for her, but yet I'm not sure I am ready. I think this stems from a very raw fear of having a rough pregnancy and preterm birth again. I do get that women who have had preemies can go on to have healthy pregnancies and full term babies! We were so very lucky for Samantha to come through the NICU okay because I know that not every family is as lucky. But I will say I am pretty scarred from it all. And to be honest, Samantha's infancy was pretty rough. She is such a happy girl now, yet sleep is still a struggle. I am worried about possibly having another rough pregnancy and chasing after a very active one year old. While also caring for another infant full time in my home. It's a lot. And I do understand that there are women that do this everyday, with even more kids! Yet, it all seems too much for me. I know the foundation for all this uncertainty and stress is that I don't want a repeat of what happened with Sam. The hard pregnancy, scary and early birth, and the colic! It was REALLY hard. We did get through it and Sam is thriving now! But I'm not sure I am willing to revisit that again so soon. You see with all that's happened, it's difficult for me to envision a smooth and happy pregnancy, full term birth and easy baby who sleeps!! I know of no such thing :)

And if your big question to me is "Was it worth it?" I will say "YES!" Because it was. Samantha is the light of my life. The love in my heart. The most beautiful thing that's ever happened to us. I just....can't seem to take that next step in making the decision of when to start trying for another baby...

Time is not really on my side. I'll be 34 soon and I know that's not anything to go crazy about, but I do hear a little faint 'tick tock' in my head. We have four frozen embryos (that we are still paying for) waiting for us when we are ready. However, we all know that it is not a guarantee that all or any of those snowbabies would make the thaw. And we all know that being infertile makes it super difficult to conceive on your own. That's another thing. Am I ready for all the meds and testing and appointments and 2ww's again?

Samantha is at such a cute age. Her personality is really starting to shine now. I look at her and wonder how could I love another baby as much as I love her? And do I want to share? I want to give my all to her. Not 50%. But I feel like this is one of those things in life where you just have to jump in, if you are going to do it. And everything will figure itself out.  My husband seems more on board than I am with trying for another soon. It's been brought up in conversation a lot lately. Thinking and talking about it, does make my heart do a little pitter patter but then the fear creeps in about the "what if's."

Lately, quite a few of my friends have had pregnancy announcements and it is SO NICE to finally be truly excited for people. Not that I wasn't before, but when you are desperately trying to conceive and you hear a million pregnancy announcements, it can be taxing on the heart. I love being able celebrate their news and go through the months with them! Part of me is content just living vicariously through them. Bring on their baby appointments, ultrasounds and baby showers! I can't get enough. But am I ready myself to get back on that baby bandwagon?

Besides the fear of a scary pregnancy and preterm birth again, I have the fear of NOT getting pregnant again and all that baggage that it brings. Am I prepared for months and months of negative pee sticks again? If that's what's in store. Of course, I have Samantha's pretty face and awesome laugh to cheer me up this time around, but all those heartbroken BFN's have stayed with me. And miscarriage. What if I miscarried again? Am I ready to open up old wounds??

If I were in my 20's, I would have liked to wait until Sam was maybe in school before trying for another. In a perfect world, yes that would be my plan. But that's not an option. For me anyways. I'd like to lose a bunch of weight before getting pregnant again. There can't be anything good in getting pregnant right now, with the shape I'm in. But then of course, I'd gain all that weight back. But if it's grounds for a healthier pregnancy, then I gotta do it.

If my future second born is reading this someday, I just want you to know that despite as it may sound with my indecisiveness in this post, you are very much wanted :) Mommy is just trying to figure out the perfect timing for your entrance into our lives...

So, what do you think friends? Am I nuts? Or is all this that I'm feeling completely normal?

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Our Little Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day!!! Cupid sent us the cutest little Valentine :) Love her so much...

Friday, February 8, 2013

11 Months of Love

Samantha is 11 months old today!!!

 What's new with Samantha Roselyn, you ask? LOTS!

  • At the end of January, she finally had her hemangioma surgery! Thankfully, the incision is looking SO much better and (surprisingly)  it didn't seem to really bother her at all. We had a follow up last week and everything looks great. She doesn't have to go back until the summer for a check up. Our girl is so brave and such a trooper. 
  • She also started crawling! She had been scooting herself around for awhile, but just last week she started crawling forward! It is the cutest thing. Except, now she is into EVERYTHING. She loves playing with anything that is NOT a toy :) But we just love watching her crawl around and explore. Poor thing has rug burn on her knees from crawling so much! She has also been reaching up for things as to try and pull up. But hasn't yet. She also has been doing this gymnast tripod move where her legs are "standing" but the rest of her body is leaning over. So funny. 
  • She said her first word! And that would be "Dada" and of course my husband is thrilled!!! I'm a little bummed she hasn't said "Mama" yet but I've heard saying "Dada" is easier. And actually I love hearing her say anything so I am okay with her constant "Dada! Dada!" It's funny because I'll say to her "Say Mama" and she smiles at me and says "Dada!" :) 
  • She visited her first aquarium in Boston! 
  • She is loving her finger foods.  She now shovels Cheerios and Puffs into her mouth like they are discontinuing them in the stores. I was a little worried for awhile because, she seemed to only let me feed her them and all of the sudden she's Miss Independent :)
  • She's developed quite the little personality. She's sweet, and funny and sassy all at the same time. We can't get enough of her! Even when  she's being a little Diva! :) She never wants to miss anything!
  • She's also showing more of an interest in books. Before I would try to read to her or hand her a book and she could care less. Now, she actually likes to try and turn pages. 
  • My key to calming her down? Singing! She's loves hearing me (or anyone) sing songs to her! And she still a huge fan of us saying " Are you Dinky (meaning stinky)?" Anything in a high pitched voice makes her smile and laugh. 
  • Bath time! Loves, loves, loves it! All the sudden she has taken great interest in SPLASHING! And it's soooo cute!!! I really think she is going to love the pool this summer. We might start swim lessons this spring. 
  • Last time she was weighed (about two weeks ago) she was 16lbs and 25 3/4 inches long. Can someone say PEANUT FOR LIFE? :) 
  • She still has 6 teeth! But we think more are on it's way because it has been Drool Fest '13 up in here. She goes through a few bibs a day. I actually used to cringe at parents who left there kids in bibs all the time, but now I totally get it. I don't want her to feel cold and wet from drool all day. So yes, my kid rocks a bib most of the day. 
  • She loves to "dance" too. If she is sitting she does this little butt wiggle back and forth and if we hold her hands and she is standing up she bounces up and down if we say "Dance! Dance!"
  • Sam likes to mimic some sounds we make lately! Except for "mama" of course! 
  • She's in 12 month clothing (and depending on the brand some 12 month is tight on her! Which is strange because she is such a peanut) and size 2 diapers still! But we will probably move to 3 soon. 
  • With great sadness, I can tell you she hates wearing headbands now! They last about 20 seconds!
  • She's become better with the stranger anxiety. There was a time where a stranger would just look at her and she would burst out in tears. Now, she actually engages with more people. She's a tough audience, but sometimes strangers at the store will even get some smiles out of her! 
  • Sleep. Still not so great. She only cat naps during the day and has slept through the night twice...ever! But it's gotten a little bit better, as to where we put her down about 8 and then she usually needs to be patted back down a few times before 12-1. Then she eats and usually we have to put her in her swing to sleep the rest of the night. So technically right now, she's up just once and then up by 5-6 for the day. This is actually a huge step forward, believe it or not!! I think she is slowlllly (very slowly) getting to a better sleep pattern. I'm think maybe the crawling is helping with this as it burns more energy. But if I'm still blogging about her not sleeping when she is 5 or something? Someone please send help :)
  • Although, now she is having to learn how to share. Not just her space and her toys..but her Mommy too. I have started babysitting full time an (almost) two month old baby girl. And Sam is not toooooo happy about it! These first few days have been a little rough, as the new baby cries a lot. But we are learning how to get into a new routine. And hopefully it works out okay. But it has been tough for both her and I, because it was just us for son long and I was able to be one on one with her. It does break my heart though when I am feeding the new baby and she crawls over to me with tears in her eyes and reaching up for me! Kills me! But I'm sure we will adjust. 
  • Coming up is her 1st Valentine's Day and her 1st Birthday. Maybe you didn't read that correctly.....HER 1ST BIRTHDAY!!! :) Unbelievable. I really cannot believe it. I have a mixture of emotions of happiness and sadness. We are throwing her a Sesame Street party. I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest right now. So many cute party ideas! Not enough time to actually do them all. 
  • She is also having special 1st birthday pictures done in the beginning of March with an amazing private photographer! Pretty excited about that!
  • And to mark her 11 month birthday we are getting a foot of snow here in NY today! Maybe I will take her outside and sit her in the snow for the first time! She's only played with snow that I brought inside for her a few months ago. 
Here are a few 11 month photos I took of our sweet girl....

Couldn't resist this "Single and lovin it" onesie from Target :)

You know you are singing that Beyonce song in your head "All the single ladies! All the single ladies!" :)

Still trying to get at that headband....

It came off seconds after I snapped this one!

Thursday, February 7, 2013


Samantha took this of herself while playing with my iphone the other day. I usually turn the view around because she likes seeing herself in the phone and she must have hit the button at just the right time! I didn't even know it until later in the day I was going through the pictures and there it was! This picture captures her personality :) Look at those chompers!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Sunday, February 3, 2013


I should probably clarify regarding my post from yesterday. I will most definitely be getting out for walks with these girls once the weather warms up. I worked in daycare for many years and walks are just a  given to the day. Fresh air is very much needed for everyone! However, I will have to wait for the warmer days because it just isn't cool to take a month old baby out for a walk in 20 degree weather. Well, in my opinion anyways. So I am going to be on the lookout for a double stroller off craigslist soon. I could do the baby carrier. But would really prefer to just push two, rather than carry one and push the other.

What I meant by "getting out" during the day was in regards to heading to the store or places like that. And I will explain why. I just do not feel comfortable taking someone else's newborn baby out for car rides and here and there. I know it might sound silly, but it's just how I feel. I also wouldn't want someone taking Samantha out here and there in the car if they were babysitting her everyday, unless it was a good friend or family. I know I know. That doesn't make much sense, because I know any "bad" things can happen in a car whether they are family or not! But just at this age, I'm a little more nervous I guess. Maybe if I'm still doing this when they are a bit older I will feel more comfortable for outings with the car. You know, a lot of times I just don't trust OTHER crazy drivers and I get afraid someone will hit us or something crazy will happen at a store! I know, it's a stupid fear..but it is what it is right now. I would just be so devastated if something were to happen to someone else's child in my care. I am nervous enough as it is just being home with someone else's most prized possession!!!

Like I said, I am sure I will get over all these fears. Just not any time soon. So for now, just walks will be are outings for the day :)

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Friends, Fishies and Finances

On Friday, Samantha had a very overdue play date with her BFF Kaya. They are just so stinkin cute together! My girl will not leave headbands on lately!!! I'm sure they ARE probably annoying but they are so cute on her bald head. I just can't help myself.

"Hey Mom! This headband is about to come off."

" it goes!"


Today, we had to drive back to Boston for her follow up appointment. It went great! The incision is healing well and we don't have to go back until this summer. Since, we did drive 3 hours out there for a less than 30 min appointment, we decided to visit the New England Aquarium. It was fun to watch Sam look at the fish! But honestly, we think she just enjoyed Daddy carrying her around in the carrier! We were bummed because the aquarium is under construction and their huge ocean tank wasn't there! So we didn't get to see any cool big sharks or anything! But it was still a fun day. 

And no she isn't wearing the same outfit from Friday, I just seem to have a polka dot obsession! :)

In other news, I am going to be "working" again starting Monday! Working as in babysitting full-time for another baby girl. Sam's  cute new friend Alexandra who is not even two months old! I think it is going to be hard work since Sam is mobile now and I'll also have a teeny little baby to care for! But I'm sure I will get used to it. And don't tell me it's just practice for when I have another one, because I am NOT ready for another baby just yet! :) It will be good though, bringing in a little bit of money each week. Although, I think my biggest hurdle will be to try and not go stir crazy since I won't be able to leave the house during the day! And Samantha does not do well when we don't get at least one outing in! Pray for me :)