Sunday, December 26, 2010


Sorry everyone, been pretty busy and not feeling much up to blogging. Christmas went better than I expected, I knew I would be sad but we made the best of it. We had to do a lot of driving in order to get to see everyone on Christmas. We got some really great gifts from our families and hubby got me a pretty pair of earrings! He also got me the new Taylor Swift CD which I LOVE. There's a song on the album called " Back to December." The song is really about a boy but I have my own interpretation of it and it reminds me of last December when we got the best and worst news. The song just really hits close to my heart, and there is a verse in there " I go back to December all the time." Which I do.

I was doing ok yesterday until we got home and we were relaxing on the couch and I started to cry and felt so sad. I just got thinking about what if next December there still is no baby, how bad is the pain gonna feel then?

Since I don't feel much up to blogging. I thought I would share a few wedding pictures with you guys.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas...

Monday, December 20, 2010

No Baby in this Manger

Sorry it's been a while. Been pretty busy this past week and dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. No miracle Christmas baby for us, my period arrived this morning. I wasn't really expecting anything this month anyways, because we weren't using any drugs or being monitored. And the painful truth is that us conceiving the "old fashioned way" again, most likely is not in the plans for us. I think I'm coming to the alarming realization that this is going to take much much more. I won't lie and say that I didn't have hope for a Christmas miracle. My plan was to buy a pregnancy test and take it Christmas morning if my period hadn't arrived. I daydreamed about taking the test, seeing the two pink lines and sharing the news with everyone on Christmas...

We're not going to do anything this cycle either, because we can't afford more injectibles at the moment and honestly, I don't think I'm ready to start again. My plan as of right now, is to start a new medicated and monitored cycle with IUI towards the end of January. So we have that to look forward to and be hopeful for. This thing called infertility is such a lonely place. Even when you have lots of loving family members and friends. I think I'm starting to accept that, when it's going to happen again for us, it's going to happen. Everyone has their own struggles, and most people say when the struggle is over, they came out a better..stonger..person. My mom said something to me about this other day. How bad things happen to good people and everyone goes through some type of struggle in their lives. My mom: " Why did I get a brain tumor? Why does your brother have Type 1 diabetes? Why did your cousin Jeremy have a baby with Down Syndrome?" It made think how true that is, because I remember when almost 7 years ago when my cousin found out that his baby boy had down syndrome, everyone went through a rollercoaster of emotions. But today, now 7 years later, my cousin Jeremy and our family can't imagine our lives without Bradley. He is such a love. So yeah, most of the time you come out stronger and better and happier...

This past week there was a pregnancy/baby explosion. Do any of you other IF girls have a weird intuition now about people who are pregnant?! I do. It's freaky. Before someone even makes an announcement, I already know. I already feel it. My friends sister just had beautiful twin baby boys this week! And my cousin Jenny found out she was pregnant. A big congrats to them!! Surprisingly, I feel no jealousy just happiness for them. My cousin sent me a fertility goddess statue, so Im hoping that will work some magic maybe :) I used to feel bitter when I'd hear pregnancy announcements, but not anymore. I'm not surprised by them at all. I expect them. I guess that bitterness feeling is just replaced with a standing still feeling. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is moving forward, and I'm just..stuck!

Last Thursday night we went to a surprise 30th birthday party for Matt's friend's wife. He and his wife are so nice, I love them. But we haven't broke the news about our infertility struggles to them yet. They are pregnant with a baby girl and due in February. I didn't know anyone else at the party, so it was a little awkward, but I was just proud of myself for getting out and doing something. But this is where the pregnancy explosion happened. At this small party, there were four pregnant women. Within two minutes of being there, I overheard two girls sharing stories about how their pregnancies were going. A total of 6 times, we were asked "When are you guys gonna start popping them out?" And my husband accidentally responded to one of those with " We're on our way!" And the other guy took that as we were already pregnant "on our way." And hubby had to quickly fix that with " Oh I mean we're working on it." It was awkward. The first conversations at our table were between two girls talking about breastfeeding. On more than one occassion, hubby and I shared the same glance with each other, the " Is this really happening?" glance. Because it seemed like everything baby and pregnancy had exploded in our faces. At one point, one of the pregnant girls said to me, " If you can avoid being pregnant around the holidays, that would be good, because it's hard not being able to drink! Worth it, but hard!" And I just smiled and laughed but in my head I was thinking, " Ohhh believe me, I can avoid it!" We did have a good time though and everyone at the party that I met was super super nice. None of them had any idea about our struggles. And who knows, maybe some of them had trouble too!

I guess I just have to accept there is a bigger plan for us. I'm going to try and enjoy this Christmas. I can't let a good Christmas go to waste :)

I have to say though that Facebook is a liar. I took a quiz on there awhile back and the answer for me was " A pregnancy or birth in 2010." LIARRRS. :) I am itching to go to a real psychic though.

Like that old 'N Sync song, maybe God is just spending a little extra time on our special baby. At least, that's what I'd like to think...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My New Calendar

There's a new calendar that I follow now. Along with all the marked holidays, there is another one marked. This calendar I carry around in my heart. Today, last year, we lost our baby...

It has been a year.

Sometimes I struggle with the issue of grieving this loss. I ask myself if I deserve to grieve this one loss? Is it ok that I'm hurting and sad over infertility? Sometimes I'm even embarrassed by how much it has effected me. But then I stumble upon a blog post from Hillary over at Making Me Mom, and I thought it was so powerful that I asked her if I could share it. She talks about the comparison of death and infertility. She also made of list of things she would miss if she were not able to have a biological child, which I did not post below. But I guess just her words about grief and infertility, struck a chord with me. And it made me realize that it is ok for me to still be grieving...

As posted by Hillary...

"I have been working on a list titled "My Losses." Many times when I have been struck by a wave of sadness, I have added to the list as a new feeling of loss was triggered.

Many of the items on the list seem silly, superficial, or small, I know. And I am sure at the end of my life - and certainly in eternity - I will look back on this time very differently. But in this season of my life they feel very real and painful. The heaviness of the sense of loss I feel is almost crushing.

I also thought about the way we describe grief, in general. If I describe my sadness over the loss of my beloved grandmother 8 years ago, I would say things like, "I miss sitting at her kitchen table and hearing her tell stories from her life," or "I wish I could open up her fridge and see the jello in small glass pyrex cups she always had waiting for me." There are few words to describe the loss and pain, but somehow those little things I can describe add up to convey the magnitude of grief. And with death, I feel like we can all relate...that we can hear somebody describe those little things and feel the giant monster of pain within the heart.

And so it is with infertility, I think. I can only say "This is a really painful loss" in so many words, but all of these "little things" I have listed below communicate those feelings better than my few words can. The only problem is, unlike my example of death, most people cannot relate. And to them, when they read these little things, they just seem like little things. Insignificant. "Why can't she just move on? It's not the end of the world."

I am not saying the experience of loss through infertility is greater or more painful than loss through death, but that it feels very lonely. And it is yet another reason I am so thankful for the blogging community, that here, in this virtual space, I know many of you do understand what this list of "little things" communicates."

I have my first cold of the season. Boo to that! I haven't had to use my neb machine since February, so I'm hoping my asthma doesn't start acting up soon. Do you ever feel cursed? Just Friday I was telling a co-worker how I was surprised that I hadn't gotten sick yet! And wham! Immediate cold.

I'm off to my couch, to sip tea and watch The Holiday. Great movie...

Goodbye, December 12th. When they say "Time heals all things," I guess they mean more than a year. Perhaps next December 12th things will be so different :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Done with December

If you are looking for an uplifting post to read, this isn't it. Not tonight anyways. I feel so lost this month. And it makes me angry because I used to love December, I used to LOVE Christmas. This month, this week actually was so significant last year. It was when we found out we we're pregnant and miscarried all in the same week. Yesterday I was looking at the calendar at work and Dec 9th kept catching my eye and at first it didn't click. Decemember 6th we got the greatest surprise ever, December 12th we miscarried. And I then I remembered what December 9th was. I had an emergency appt at the OB because I started spotting the night before. We drove to the OB's office in a really bad snow storm. But everything checked out fine and we left there feeling so grateful that everything was ok. It was such a rollercoaster of emotion, to go from thinking the worst to being told everything was fine! And a few days later, things were not even close to fine...

It's just a tough month. We are really stressed about money. And I'm really sad that I can't buy many Christmas gifts this year. I always loved Christmas shopping. And I feel like there is no progress in the "getting pregnant" dept. We aren't doing any meds this month, and the way money is right now, we might not be able to next month either. I'm depressed about it. I feel like I'm letting these cycles slip away. And almost everyone around me is pregnant. It's really hard to have to this "lost and no end in sight" feeling.

Told ya this wasn't a happy post :)

A little light in all this, is we got to send out our pretty xmas cards this week. I really like how they turned out. We put some wedding pictures on them. I never did a photo card before. But I was really happy with them...

I guess I just can't see the big picture...

A year has gone by. Three years of my life I've been suffering from infertility. I just don't have much left in me. And I know all of you other bloggers know this, but the holidays are SO HARD :( So hard...

I am very blessed in other ways, though. Don't think I walk around miserable all the time. I'm just really done with all this heartache. It's crushing me. And I'm tired of saying " Yes, Im ok" when really I'm not.

Now that I'm done venting, I think I'll go force myself to watch a Christmas movie.

I just want my Decembers back.

In other words, I just want my life back. And the little life I had growing in me...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Baby Shoes

Today was a good day. I had lunch with my mom and then we did a little shopping. She was hesitant about dragging me into baby stores, in fear of hurting my feelings. But the truth is, I still love it. Shopping for baby stuff that is, even though it's not for myself. I have always had a love for cute little baby clothes and wander the kids departments, even if I have no one in particular to buy for at the time. Kids stuff just draws me in like a mosquito to one of those electric lamp things. Sure it may sting a little, but I can't keep myself away. Baby shoes get me, too. They are so tiny and cute! All I know is I'm going to have a very well dressed kid someday :)

I have an appointment with my old OB/GYN next Wednesday for my annual. I am giving them a second chance. Months ago I swore if I got pregnant again I was going to find a new OB. Had a bad experience with them on a visit. Long story, probably documented in my blog archive somewhere! But the nurse I spoke with today was as sweet as could be and she spent quite some time talking with me about some questions I had. So I am going back...

I saw this posted on FB under the "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope" site. It really got me good...

"Ernest Hemingway was given a challenge: to write a complete story, in under 10 words. Hemingway, known for his brevity, was able to do it in six."

For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Easy like a Sunday Morning

I'm having a little bit of "blogger's block." I guess I'm still processing things and learning to just try and move forward. Nothing really going on this cycle. I decided against buying the $20 dollar ovulation tester. Just can't spend the money on that. So I guess we are just in "see what happens" mode. I don't really have it in me to track anything with my cycle this time, anyways. We got our tree on Saturday!! After some TLC it no longer looks like a Charlie Brown tree :) We went with the economy tree, but with some love it looks really pretty! I have a long weekend, which is nice. Our wedding photos finally arrived!! Now the hard part is to decide which ones to frame or give as gifts!

I haven't really decided yet what we are going to do for this next cycle that will start (or hopefully WON'T start) before Christmas. I'm going to have to order the meds in a hurry if we want to go ahead with another injectibles cycles. I don't think we are going to look into IVF right now. I've been getting some good advice about that, and it seems like not something we need to do right now. We are still "sort of" young and we have conceived before, so the odds are still in our favor.

Just taking it easy on this very cold Sunday. Watching football with the hubby :) I saw some snowflakes today! And tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom :)

I remembered this morning that our glass angel ornament was in the bedside table. My mom gave it to us last year after we miscarried. And after Christmas last year I put in my bedside table, because I wanted it close to me all year long. I went to go get it to put it on the tree and one of the angel's wings are broken off. How symbolic of how I've been feeling lately. But I'm still going to hang it on the tree!

Tomorrow is December 6th. Last year on December 6th I took a pregnany test, saw two (surprising!) beautiful pink lines. Along with my wedding day, that morning of December 6th, was the happiest day of my life...