Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Update on my Lady Parts

I had my second appointment this morning. Today is cycle day 10. I messed up in my last post, and I thought Sunday was Day 9. So, I went for another bloodwork and ultrasound before work. And I know I said I was going to remain super positive this cycle, but I'm feeling a little discouraged...

The nurse/tech lady asked if any other doctors ever said I had a problem with my lining. Ummmm no? The doctors I saw in HI, were military doctors, and they weren't all that thorough with IF issues. So, of course I immediately thought, "What's wrong with me now???" She said the lining of my uterus was still pretty thin. It's supposed to thicken through the cycle, and I guess mine is being lazy. I asked her if there was "still time." And she said yes, but she didn't sound very confident about that answer. Then she told me that there was only one dominant follicle at 14, on my left ovary. No wonder I've been crampy on my left side. But I googled "good" follicle sizes and most RE's like follicles at 17 at least before triggering. So I'm hoping and praying that within the next couple days, my lining fattens up and I get some follicles cookin'. My next appointment is this Friday...

I'm heading to bed early tonight. The Femara has me feeling extra exhausted and I spoke to soon, when I mentioned I wasn't having any hotflashes! Ugh. They are awful, especially in this weather.

Hoping Friday shows some progress. :)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Secret Garden

Saturday night I went to a local summer theatre, to see the musical "The Secret Garden." My mom got tickets for her and I to go, and my Aunt Janie came too! I have always loved " The Secret Garden." I was obsessed with the Hallmark movie when I was younger. We taped it from TV onto VHS and I would watch it all the time. When I was in high school, they came out with new version of the movie, but in my eyes it will never compare to the original. My mom also took my brother and I to see the the musical on Broadway years ago. The show last night was great and all the music came back to me right away. Wonderful soundtrack.

It was great spending time with my mom and aunt. A much needed break from the day-to-day IF worries. So thanks, Mom, for last night. :) I hope to someday share "The Secret Garden" with my daughter...

On the IF front, today is cycle day 9. AF is gone. Finished the last Femara pill on Saturday and my second monitoring appt is Tuesday morning. I'm gonna start OPK's and basal temp tomorrow. And we'll see what the RE says on Tuesday! :)

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Police: Calif couple tried to sell baby at Walmart - Yahoo! News



Recently, a good friend of mine announced that she is going to be an aunt to TWINS!! Very exciting stuff:) What a blessing. And what are the chances!? Her sister does not suffer from IF and I don't think twins run in their family. So, it was a double surprise to their family! What I wouldn't give for one baby, but two, wow! I'd be in heaven. After hearing about their exciting news, it got me thinking about twins. I've always felt this connection, I guess you could say, with anything twin related. I secretly always had a feeling that I would have twins. I'm big on "signs." Little things that point to other things. Yeah, I know it may sound a little superstitious or whatever, but I do always believe things happen for a reason, no matter how silly or how small.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I loved dolls as kid. Loved them. Took care of them as if they were real human beings. Well, I had always been a huge Cabbage Patch fan, but then one Christmas, I saw an ad for a new doll. The Magic Nursery Dolls. And I was hooked. They came in a box, and wore a baby hat and a onesie and booties. All of the faces sort of looked the same, but with varying eye colors. So you couldn't see the hair underneath, until you removed the hat. You didn't know if your baby doll had blonde, brown or red hair, curly or straight, until you took off the hat. But the best part of it all was that you didn't know the sex of the doll until you put the onesie in water, and it would say girl or boy. It was so exciting! Well, when I got my first one for Christmas, I immediately opened it, took of the hat. Blonde curly hair. Then I put the onesie in water. "It's a Girl." And underneath "It's a Girl" it said "I'm a Twin." Well, you could have told me I had won ten million dollars, because I was so happy and went running through the house with complete joy. They gave you a form to fill out and mail in, and then they send you the twin in the mail. About a week and half later, the twin arrived and it was a boy! I still remember that so clearly and how happy I was.

I've also had a long term relationship with a twin. There are two twin girls in my class. And I just found out a few days ago that August 7th, is National Twins Day. August 7th would have been our due date. Even though, I know we were only pregnant with one, I still thought it was interesting. Oh, and the Mets play the Twins tomorrow night:) All coincendences, I'm sure. But I like to think that maybe they all are connected somehow. Going through IF has also put twins on my mind, because I'm well aware some fertility meds can give you twins and that IVF has a high twin outcome. It's funny though how I always thought I might have twins, but had no idea that I'd have fertility problems or be on fertility meds that increase the chance for multiples.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not on a mission for twins. I would be over the moon to just have one healthy lovely baby. If we were blessed with two somehow, than so be it, and we would LOVE it. :)

Day 3 of Femara! Only side effect I'm feeling so far is drowsiness. I seriously could have curled up on one of the kid's cots today and taken a nap. I'm soooo tired. I'll take that over Clomid's hotflashes and mood swings! Still thinking positive, too. This is going to work. I just feel it.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Coming Around Again

One of my favorite songs is "Coming Around Again" by Carly Simon.

My mother played it for me when I was in high school. I think I was having some boy trouble, and at the time it felt like my world was over and I thought I would never feel so heartbroken as I did then, right at that moment. I was definitely wrong about that. But at the time, when your young, you have nothing to really compare it to. So, my mom being the great mom she is, tried to make me feel better, feel beautiful, feel happy again. So, she played that song for me. And it's been one of my favorites ever since...

Although, now it has a different meaning for me. I used to listen to it, and the lyrics would speak to me about love and romance and second chances. I still do hear that, but it also talks about raising a baby. And what I hear, is someone getting over the heartbreak of losing a baby and hoping and praying for how things could be. It's just a soothing song and every time I hear it I feel relaxed and hopeful. Kind of like my mothing hugging me after a high school break up. The song is my "It's going to be ok."

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment for this cycle. I was so anxious and nervous last night. I was so afraid that they would tell me the cyst was still there or the cyst made some friends and that there was more than one! The anxiety was eating at me. Plus, even though I've been to this new clinic a few times, I was still confused on the best way to get there. The nerves were eating at my brain cells. Our GPS was at Matt's work, so he got up early this morning, went to work and surprised me at home with it, before returning to work. So sweet! He didn't want me to have to worry about anything else, so by taking away the "getting there anxiety" he felt like he was doing what he could to help. And it definitely did! I love him. I really do.

Guess what I listened to over and over, the whole way there? "Coming Around Again" by Carly Simon. :)

So there I was, bright and early, at baby maker land. Carly put me in a good place on the ride there. The peaceful fancy lounge at baby maker land, kept me in that good place. But waiting in the exam room, talking to myself, made my anxiety return. Finally, it was go time. I layed there and the tech was quiet for what was probably not even a full minute but it felt like 2 hours. The only sound I could hear was a clicking noise, that I know means she's measuring things. "Please, God" I kept thinking to myself and "Should I try to wait till I get to the car to cry?." Finally, she says "No cysts!" I literally felt like a full grown elephant was lifted off me. In my head, there was a cheering section like one from the Super Bowl, excitedly clapping and shouting "YAYYY!" But I just smiled and said " Ohhh good." And then the tech says " But unforunately..." Heart stops. " We're gonna have to prick you for blood sweetie!" Heart beats again. " Ohhhh that's fine, I'll take needles over cysts anyday!"

She then took some blood, gave me my schedule for this cycle and set up my next appt for Tuesday. Here we go! The Femara cycle has begun! So tonight I took the first pill, along with a prenatal vitamin (that I've been slacking on) and she told me to take a baby aspirin once a day, too. I am so excited and hopeful for this. And I'm now going to start on my thinking-overly-positive-that-this-will-work attitude. I just have to do this and give it all I've got. I'm well aware that the chance of it not working outweighs the chance that it will, but that's the last time I'll mention it. We are excited. We are hopeful. We will get pregnant.

Next week, is when the real work begins. SHOTS to my stomach!!?? My mom is a nurse so I'll probably have her do them. This is my brother's payback time. He was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when he was 7. And has had to take two shots a day ever since. I'm sure he has always wondered, why me and not Sarah? Why did he got Diabetes and I didn't. But this one's for you, bro. I'm dedicating the needles to my belly, to you. Maybe we can "clink" our syringes and say "Cheers!"

Overall, today has been a good day with good news. Although, I have been sneezing and sniffling like crazy! I thought it was just allergies, but now Im not so sure. I really don't want another cold!! Pleeeeeaassee no.

Thank you everyone for all your support, through all the ups and downs. To my wonderful honey, to my loving family, to my patient friends...

Femara is my friend. Femara is my friend. Femara is my friend. :)

Even if the bottle said, " Do not take if you are pregnant or are planning on becoming pregnant." Huh? :)

I know it's worked for so many of you, and I pray that we'll be so lucky to have it all come around again...

"Coming Around Again" by Carly Simon

Baby sneezes
Mommy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
So bewildering

I know nothin' stays the same
But if you're willin' to play the game
It's comin' around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
There's more room in a broken heart

Pay the grocer
You fix the toaster
You kiss the host goodbye
Then you break a window
Burn the souffl�
Scream the lullaby

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
So in love with you

I believe in love
Now who knows where or when
But it's comin' around again

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Daddies and Day One

Three things. Happy Father's Day to all the great "baby daddies" out there! Today is Day One of a new cycle! And sorry to everyone who follows my blog. I know lately, my posts have been non existent or depressing. I hope things will start turning around. For my sake and your's :)

Yes friends, today (on Father's Day) AF showed. Bye bye birth control and (hopefully) the evil cyst on my left ovary. I'm going to call the RE in the morning and set up my ultrasound probably for Tuesday. I'm really hoping the cyst is gone so we can get started on this Femara cycle. Prayers and fingers crossed are greatly appreciated! :)

We had a nice day down at my dad and stepmom's house, along with my bro and his fiancee. They live on a lake, so we were able to go out on a boat ride. Beautiful weather, but HOT! I saw my stepdad on Saturday and gave him a pretty frame that said "Grandkids" on it. I told him it could hold Rory photos (his new baby grandaughter) and then when he has more someday, it could be a group shot. :) He loved that idea. See? I am still hopeful everyone :) We've got a "Grandkids" frame to fill...

Anyone see the movie, "Away We Go"? With the guy from The Office and the girl from SNL. Can't think of their names at the moment. Anyways, great movie! And there was a part where they went to visit old college friends in Montreal. The couple had adopted three or four kids. But then it turned out that the couple was struggling with infertility and in one scene the husband was explaining how "helpless" he feels. His wife had five miscarriages. And you could just see in both their faces how sad they were. Even though they had a wonderful family, through adoption, the pain of IF was still so raw. The scene just reminded me of how helpless Matt feels sometimes. Men like to feel like they can fix things, whatever it might be, and IF is just something more complicated than a flat tire or a broken toaster. It's a broken heart, and that is something hard to heal.

This post is dedicated, to my honey. You are wonderful man and will be a wonderful father. Today, as we were driving to my Dad's we were listening to the Mets/Yankees game and we were reminicing about our Citifield visit.

Me: " That must be a fun thing to do on Father's Day, going to a game, would you like that someday?"

Matt: (Big smile) "Yeah, that would be awesome."

Me: "Aww, you, me, and a little boy, I can just see it."

Matt: "Or girl."

Me: (Big smile)

Love to both my Dads and my future baby's daddy. :)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Lights out.

Today is exactly six months since the miscarriage. It's been half a year. And everything is not as as I thought it would be. I thought I would feeling a lot better. I thought I would be pregnant again. And I thought I would have eventually got that "light" back in me, after it got so dark...

But it's all still pretty dark. That's the only way to really describe it. I'm just not me anymore. And it sucks. All I'm looking forward to is the wedding and starting this next Femara cycle. Such exciting things ahead, yet I'm still struggling. I'm feeling like some of my family wishes I would just move on or get myself on some drugs to help, but that's not going to happen. I don't want to start taking anything that could negatively effect a pregnancy. So, to quote one of my good friends, " I'm doing to the best I can, because that's all I CAN do."

I am not ungrateful for all the positive things in my life, I just can't believe how much this loss has taken from me. I just want to feel normal again, instead of a zombie. It's so hard to be social. It's so hard to do a lot things I used to.

I know I won't feel like this forever. There's nowhere to go, but up, right? Matt has been so amazing. Thank God for him. :) He's been my candle, my flashlight, my light when I need it...

Next weekend should start a new cycle! :) Hoping for best.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Disney and a Dumb-Ass

When I was younger I used to love to watch Disney movies. Especially, when I was home sick from school. And when I say "younger" I mean high school. Somehow, they used to make me feel better. It was like my own little special tradition. Home sick on the couch? Pop in a Disney VHS. DVD's didn't exist then :)

Friday night I was reminded of the healing power of a good Disney movie. I was flipping through the movie channels and "Up" was coming on. I had seen a preview somewhere of this movie, and was excited about it, but then with everything else going on, I forgot. So, I was pretty excited to watch it. What a great movie! I think everyone should see it. Even if "animated" stuff isn't your thing, still give it a try. It was just a really really good movie. I laughed and I cried. There was one part of the movie, where the main characters were decorating a nursery in hopes of a baby, but then it turns out they couldn't have any. One scene showed the wife just sitting in a chair outside, and even though she was animated character, the emotion expressed about not being able to have a child, was just overwhelming. Of course this made me cry. But also I was just amazed at the animation they can do today! Truly amazing.

I'm considering gathering all my Disney movies, from my mom's house, and keeping them here now. Just in case I need a pick-me-up :)

On to the "Dumb-Ass" portion of my post. I went to get my hair trimmed this weekend at one of those chain hair places that you find in a strip mall. I used to go to a certain salon years ago to get my hair highlighted and cut, but that got really expensive. So, now I color my own hair and go to the strip mall to get it cut. Which works out fine for me. While I was waiting to get my haircut, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation between one of the hairdressers and her client. It went something like this:

Hairdresser (in a loud obnoxious voice): "So how are you? Haven't seen you in awhile!"

Client (who's a guy): "I'm great, just got engaged. What's new with you?"

Hairdresser (in a loud even more obnoxious voice): " Oh, nothing much. Well, I'm gonna have a baby!"

Client: "Oh wow, that's great. Congrats!"

Hairdresser (now, the voice is really annoying me): "OMG!" (She really said the letters O.M.G) "It was so funny, I was at the doctor's filling out all the paperwork and there was a space to write the spouse or father of the child, and I couldn't write anything because it could be one of four people! I don't know who's it is!"

BARF. She was a real class-act. And I sat there thinking two things to myself. One, SHE'S allowed to have a child? And two, I bet I'm going to get her. I bet she's going to cut my hair.

Yup, she did. Good thing she couldn't hear my thoughts as she was cutting my hair. At first, I thought maybe she was joking about how she didn't know who the father was. But as the weird conversation continued between her and the client, I realized she was NOT joking. Wow.

Having to tip her, hurt. And I feel sorry for her baby.

On a different note, we ordered our wedding invites this weekend! :) And we are thinking about having an ice cream truck come instead of doing a traditional cake. I think that would be really fun for an outdoor wedding! So, hopefully it works out :)

I wish I had one of those pocket ultrasound monitors, that I saw on a commercial! I would love to know if the birth control is doing it's job and getting rid of this cyst. I'm so afraid of going to that appointment in a few weeks and seeing something sad on the monitor. Please, please don't be there cyst...

I had a weird dream this weekend. I dreamt one of my friends had twins, and she gave me one! How crazy, right? :)

I hope you all have a good week. If you're in need of a smile, don't forget your Disney :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Phantom Baby Syndrome

Is there such a thing? I googled it just to see and of course all kinds of crazy things came up. We went to a bbq this past Memorial Day weekend, and this strange feeling just stuck with me the whole time. I've felt it before but never really could put my finger on why I feel so out of place at those things. Especially at parties where there are lots of little kids running around. The thing is, is that I feel like I am meant to have a child. I just know I am. The feeling that I get feels like I already have a child, but he or she isn't here with me yet. I don't feel complete. I don't feel whole. And when I am at family gatherings or any get togethers, my arms feel so empty. I really believe that when we have a child, my life will really begin and my world will be one million times brighter...

I know to some of you who reading this,you might be thinking "Geez, she sounds a bit desperate" or something like " Does anyone have a barf bag?." But I'm serious. Some people don't feel complete until they reach graduation, or a new job, or marriage. Well, this is mine. For me, having our sweet little baby someday will (for lack of better words) make the sun shine out of my ass...

And I'll no longer feel that specific emptiness...

Since the miscarriage, I have been pretty sad. And hanging out in big groups, tends to bother me. It's hard to be around people who don't know and/or understand. Minutes after arriving at the bbq last weekend, I was tested. We were tested I should say. Matt and I we're putting some stuff we bought in their fridge and in walks two guys. One is related to Matt and the other was the husband of someone at the party. The guy congratulated us on our engagement and asked when the wedding was, and we told him. And then it started, "Wow, that's coming up! Are you sure your ready for that big commitment? Marriage changes everything!" Now, I'm not stupid. I know these guys were just joking with Matt in a teasing kind of way and it was easy to laugh off. Then came the "kids talk" and my heart sank. Good thing I had my sunglasses still on or they would have seen me start to tear up. "Ohhhh man, don't have kids right away! They are so much work, you'll never have time for yourself! Travel the world first! Don't have kids yet!" And so on. I actually had to turn around and walk out. In all fairness, one of these guys had no idea about our IF troubles and what we've been through, so I don't blame them at all. But wow, it really got to me, I did my best to just breathe in and out and not take it personally.

After the guys walked out of the kitchen, Matt and I were alone. He knew right away, while the guys were giving their "advice", that I was upset. He hugged me and said, " Honey, don't even listen to them, they don't understand where we are coming from and everyone has different views about marriage and children." He was right. I can't expect everyone to understand or to be on the same page. I guess it just bothers me to hear people complain about marriage or having babies, when some of us would walk through fire, to just experience a minute of it. I'm not naive about the ups and downs of marriage and having children. I know kids are exhausting and time consuming and expensive. But they are also wonderful, life's greatest loves and worth the wait...

The things we hear some of our friends complain about, those things don't scare Matt and I at all. It actually makes us want this more. Because we know what great parents will be, even through the exhaustion, the messes and twists and turns of parenthood. So, I guess I have been avoiding large groups for this reason. So that I'm not put in a position where I want to scream at the top of my lungs, " Stop complaining about your babies!"

Even though we had to deal with that upon arrival, the bbq was fun and it was good to get out. And there we're a bunch of beautiful babies there to watch and play with. Everybody else's and the one in my heart.

He or she is always there. Not in our arms yet, but just waiting in the "wings."

I am feeling better, still have a cough but the bronchitis seems to have left town. The birth control isn't really my friend right now. I've been having chest pressure and a weird ache. I know that heart attack can be a side effect, so I called my RE and he said to keep taking it but to follow up with my primary. I'm also feeling "extra" sad since I've started it last week but the nurse said that is normal with all the hormones. Grrreat. Whatever I have to do to send this cyst packing, I'll do it. But I actually think the chest ache/pressure is probably just anxiety from everything...

I am watching Goonies and feeding my current obsession, PINEAPPLE! I lived in Hawaii and I've never tasted pineapple more yummy than the $3.99 container I bought at the local grocery store!

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm going to celebrate with more pineapple. Maybe this weekend I'll post about something non-IF related. Imagine that.