Wednesday, May 25, 2011

200th Post

Holy crap. 200?? Another example of how much time has passed and still no baby. It seems like just yesterday I was writing my 100th post, which happened to be the day I received a BFN from my first injectibles cycle. Awesome.

And now I'm staring surgery in the face and possibly the start of IVF. Insert big nervous gulp here.

I wanted this 200th post to be special. Inspirational. More than just a number. But I just couldn't figure out what to write. And then I decided I would leave you all with a quote...

Every year at my work, during The Week of the Young Child, each child and staff member decorates a quilt square (a small square card). Most of them include pictures and/or quotes. And then they are all laminated and strung together to look like a quilt. It's actually very special and it's hung in the hallway all year long. This year on my square I put a wedding picture and the following quote...

When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

And that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna keep trying...

On my way home from work today there was a car in front of me with a license plate that read "HLF FLL." "Half Full" for anyone confused there for a moment :)

I refuse to look at my glass (my life) and say it's half empty. Even though our baby isn't with us yet, we are going to count our blessings and believe that things are still "HLF FLL." And when we finally have our baby in our arms, the glass will be...


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Anti-Wow Factor

In my line of work, I am fully immersed in all things babies for 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week. I'm bumping elbows with children between the ages of 8 weeks and 5 years old all day long. It's fun. It's exhausting. It's rewarding. It's taught me a lot about what to do and NOT to do when I have my own kids. And it's difficult. Especially difficult for someone who is infertile. I see things happen between parents and their kids everyday that makes my heart swell up and break all at the same time. The tiniest things, really sweet things, that can only be felt by a mother and her child. Or a father and his child.

I think I've built up a tough skin. But it has also taken the "wow factor" out of being around kids when I'm not working. Of course, if I see a baby out somewhere I'll always stop and admire how cute there are, etc. But generally, I need a break from babies when I'm not working. There's a lot of women out there who will jump at the chance to babysit or just can't get enough of being around kids. But, for me, that's not really the case. And I guess I might sound like a big jerk, but after all these years and dealing with infertility...the only baby I'm really crazy a baby of my own. Of course, I will happily babysit any child of my friends or family's, but I don't have the need to get my paws on the first chubby cheeked cherub I see...

I guess it's a bit of a self-preservation/selfish thing. I'm saving up all my love for our baby...for a baby we so want and deserve...

I love on the kids in my class of day long. Would honestly take a bullet for any one of them. But when I get home. The only baby I want to think about is the one that's going to be our miracle...

Has anyone out there had a lap and hysteroscopy done at the same time?? I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone during this surgery. That's an awful expression, btw. "Kill two birds with one stone"? Poor birds.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

In the dust...

We went to a friend of my husband's 30th birthday party on saturday...

Infertility has made me socially awkward I guess you could say. Especially around groups of people I don't know that well. I never used to be like this. I used to be fine in any social situation (with help from a glass of wine sometimes). But now, things are different. And yesterday it was kind of difficult being at this party. I was glad to go and get out and do something but it was still hard to feel comfortable. I feel like I have "NO BABY" written all over me.

I didn't really know too many people at the party, but recognized some people from a wedding we went to last August. And wouldn't you know, two of the girls I met at the wedding are now pregnant. One very pregnant and one probably 5 months along. I couldn't help but to feel a little bit like I was left in the dust. A familiar feeling that comes with infertility. It's like standing on a dirt road and watching car after car with "Baby on Board" stickers fly past you. Leaving you choking on all the dust. It's not a feeling a resentment but just more of a sad feeling. Why not me? What's wrong with me? When will it be our turn? That type of feeling.

Every night when I sit down at the computer (which is in our spare room) I start picturing it as a nursery. Where will we put the crib? Hmm maybe over there by the window. No, it might get too cold in the winter. And the rocking chair will be perfect over in this corner. I also picture a closet full of baby clothes. It may seem creepy, but I really do picture these things. Right now, our spare room is a mess. Boxes and random things all over the place. In every place we have lived, the spare room has looked the same. It looks like it's waiting. Waiting to have a real purpose. Waiting to become a nursery. And maybe that's why we haven't been motivated to make it something else, because we know what it's real purpose is supposed to be. I think a part of me feels like if we make it into an offical "office" then it is sort of ending our baby dreams. Which wouldn't be the truth, but I guess I just like the room to be chaos, until we actual have reason to bring a sort of peace to it.

Not much going on. Going to start OPKs tomorrow morning which will be CD 11. Getting anxious for my surgery, in both a nervous and excited kind of way. If we get the go ahead to start treaments right after surgery, I think we are going to go straight into IVF. But I won't know for sure until we meet with the doctors on the 15th.

Totally unrelated to anything "baby", but if anyone is looking for a summer read I highly suggest "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. Great book! They are making it into a movie which opens in August I believe. Definitely a must read! :)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Everything BUTT the Kitchen Sink...

Ok, so I learned a little fun fact about having lap surgery done. To my surprise and horror, there is a bowel prep for this! UGH. I had one for the colonoscopy and it was completely awful. I had to try so hard to keep myself from throwing up after drinking all that nasty stuff. And then the results of drinking all that nasty stuff? Even worse.

I was psyching myself up for this surgery, telling myself that I can get through it and it wont be so bad. I can deal with the discomfort afterwards, too. But this bowel prep news has me slightly freaking out. I just know Im going to be so nervous as it is the day of, and I definitely dont need the extra factor of wondering if I'm going to crap myself. Sorry, I know, TMI. But that's where my head's at.

I know it'll be fine and I'll get through it. But geez. And I know this sounds silly but it's going to be hard not to have ANYTHING to drink for hours before the surgery. I'm always thirsty. And knowing that I can't drink anything, is going to make me want something to drink even more. Im weird. I have to have access to water like 24hrs a day. :)

Really, I'm just venting. I know it will all be fine.

Maybe I'll just wear one of those CamelBack water things for like a week straight before the surgery. And the morning of, I'll strap on a diaper. There. Problem solved. :)

Today is CD 6 of this "not really doing anything" cycle. Might start OPKs tomorrow. Might not.I know you're supposed to start on CD 1, but I know I ovulate so late in the cycle that I'm not worried about missin anything. Does anyone know how soon you can do an IUI or IVF after lap surgery? I've been hearing different things. Some people say you have to wait 2 cycles and some people say you can start right away...

Hoping I can start right away, which would put us into July for some baby makin.

Feels like years away...

Monday, May 16, 2011

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Aint that the truth...

Saw this in Hallmark and I had to have it :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

What the eff, Blogger?

I guess blogger has been down for the last two days. And apparently it got hungry and decided to eat/delete the last post I made on Thursday. For those of you who missed it, I got another BFN. Absolutely heartbroken about it. I'm taking the weekend to cry it out and get myself back together.

There's a new plan in place. We're not doing anymore treatments until I have surgery. Yup, I'm going to have a laporoscopy done. And I'm terrified of the surgery. We just can't take anymore heartbreak and we don't want to put anymore money and hope into treatments if there is something going on inside me. If there's something that can be fixed, I want to fix it. Right now I'm tenatively scheduled for surgery on June 24th because they are so booked. But Im going to try and see if I can get another dr to do it sooner. I really don't want to wait that long. After the surgery, when everything is checked and maybe "fixed" we want to do IVF. How will we afford it? Not sure just yet. But that is our plan. And it feels good to have a plan.

Thank you for all your support and kind comments! And thank you to my amazing friends and family IRL who go out of their way to show us love and support. We couldn't get through this without all you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Not that girl...

I'm generally not very lucky. I'm not that girl in a movie where everything falls into place, JUST when she needs it to. I've seen more struggle than surprises. I'm usually the girl sitting back watching everyone else's dreams come true. After this third IUI, I was feeling like I could maybe be "that girl" this time. That maybe, just maybe, by some miracle I would get my BFP and live happily ever after. Ride off into the sunset with my husband and baby. But like I said, I'm not that girl...

The cramps went away. Sort of. This morning I didn't have any and this afternoon I thought I was feeling some "light" cramping but it could all be in my head. No spotting yet. I made about a gazillion trips to the bathroom at work checking for spotting. I'm hoping I don't wake up tomorrow with my period.

I'm really trying to hold it together, so I can get through this beta tomorrow. It's pretty awful walking in there knowing what the outcome will be. Might be, I guess. Of course the positive part of me, is thinking that maybe it's just my uterus expanding making room for the baby! And the negative part of me is saying "Give it up girl."

We'll see. But I'm expecting the same old crash and burn scene. :(

Any last minute prayers are very much appreciated :)

Please, God, gimme a BFP.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I just want to thank all of you out there for your sweet and supportive comments. I signed onto blogger quick this morning, because I knew I needed a little jolt of hope and support from you girls. And at 7 am, I was getting teary eyed reading your comments. Whenever I talk about this blog community and I happen to mention you all in conversation, I don't say "This girl from my blog..." I say " My friend from my blog..." I honestly consider you all friends. :) So thank you for picking me up, when I'm down for the count. And I apologize for being a total slacker with commenting lately. It's selfish and I hate when I get behind! But once this week is behind me I hope to catch up :)

So, I awoke this morning feeling a little better. A little hopeful again. Matt and I had long emotional talk last night. Both of us in tears. And I just have to say that I am the luckiest girl in the world. I'm really blessed with an amazing husband...

But then I got to work. And that's when the cramping started. And continued all day long. Painful cramping, like AF is about to return with a fury :( No bleeding or spotting yet. But the cramps were all day. I know this could mean other things. But I'm sure the spotting is just being held off with progesterone.

I HOPE I'm totally wrong. I HOPE that I'll get a shocking BFP on Thursday. And I HOPE these cramps go away. Not giving up yet.

And to make today extra fun, one of the moms from my class said today "So how was your mother's day? Oh I mean not you." As she pointed to me and giggled. Now, she knows I don't have kids and she doesn't know about my IF. But, WTH???!! It was so rude. Just what I needed too. Some lady pointing out "HA-HA! You're not a mommy!!"

Screw you, crazy lady.

Thanks again, everybody, for fillin up my hope jar :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Meltdown in progress

I'm not really sure why or how it happened. But I feel as if someone has literally sucked the hope right out of me. Today was a really tough day. All the hope and positive thoughts I have been having went out the window. Why the sudden change? I have no idea. Maybe I'm scared.

But it's an awful feeling. I spent the majority of the day angry, sad, and pretty damn sure that this didn't work. And then I was a crying mess when I finally got home...

I refuse to take a test and all I can do is wait for Thursdays beta. Truth is, I feel nothing. No symptoms at all. All those cramps and twinges I was feeling days ago are gone. Boobs don't hurt at all. I've only been slightly more tired and that is probably because I have been without caffiene. I feel like as I was sleeping last night someone came in and sucked all the hope out of my heart.

This sucks. We put 120% into this. Everything.

I know we could still be surprised. But my heart is telling me it's over.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Praying on Mother's Day

I have been praying a lot today. I even went to church this morning, which is a place I haven't been since July of last year I believe. My mom and step-dad sing in the choir and my aunt and my Nana were up visiting. So there was a crew with us at church, which was nice. Right as the service started a young couple walked in with a baby and sat a few rows ahead of us. My aunt leaned over and whispered, " It's a sign" :) Our church is beautiful, it's a historic landmark, and whenever I'm there I'm in awe of how beautiful it is. I just prayed so hard today that God has blessed us with a baby. During the very last prayer at the end of the service, my Nana reached over and grabbed my hand tightly and we both just prayed silently together. I seriously almost lost it. There are just so many people praying for us. We are not the only ones that want this so badly for us...

When we left the Sunday school kids were giving away potted plants (that they decorated) and my mom came over and handed me one and said " For the mama to be." Almost lost it then, too. :)

Today was such a significant day. It was Mother's Day of course, but it is May 8th which is the date of my mom's brain surgery back in 1996 and my great-aunt Rhodie's birthday. Two women I hold so dear to my heart. My aunt passed away years ago, but I know she's still with me everyday. I can just hear her bargaining with God for him to give us our baby.

I am pretty much the luckiest girl ever to have been blessed with my mom. She is my friend and my biggest supporter. And I really don't know where I would be in life without her. I get emotional just thinking about all she has done for us growing up. She was a single mom turned super mom. Every single year, when I'm standing in the card aisle picking out a mother's day card for her, I cry. Even the perfect card doesn't seem enough for a mother like her. I love you, Mom! Thank you so much for everything you do. I hope to make you a Nana this week :)

We had a busy weekend. Dinner at my mom's on Saturday and then church and a visit to my MIL's this afternoon. We got home and took a two hour nap! I've been so tired. I woke up from that nap with some cramping, and jumping to conclusions I all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry, thinking that AF was coming. It's going to be a tough four days. One minute I want to take an HPT and just get it over with and then I feel like I can't and just need to wait it out.

I know Mother's Day can be an extra sad day for us girls in this blog community. But someday it will be our turn, someday we will all be Mothers and will look back on this journey and say, "You know what? It was all worth the wait and heartache." So Happy Mother's Day to you all!!!

On our way home from church, I saw something that really touched me. A little boy riding his bike with an "I love you, Mom" heart shaped balloon attached to the back. How stinkin cute is that?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3...

Boob testing, that is.

I know I'm not the only one out there in the 2ww randomly hitting their boobs to see if they're sore :) Sometimes I have to catch myself though, because I almost did it walking down the hall at work the other day :) Technically I'd only be a few days pregnant, but has anyone else out there gotten a BFP when their boobs were only a little sensitive and not "OMG they HURT" sensitive???

They only hurt sometimes and I know that could be from the progesterone too. And I still have this weird cramp/twinge/pinch thing going on my left side. It's either one of three things...

A) A cyst (frown!)
B) An ectopic pregnancy (frown!)
c) An actual baby nestling inside my uterus (smile!)

I'm gonna go with C.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. And instead of being sad, we are going to church in the morning. And I am going to pray my little ass off for that BFP...

Not taking a HPT tomorrow. So tempting. But I just can't bring myself to do it. So Thursday it is :) This is going to be the longest 5 days everrr.

Oh! In addition to my husband's dream that I mentioned in my last post, my friend L sent me a message this morning that she too had a dream. She said in the dream she had come with me to Thursdays appt and was sitting in the waiting room. She looked up and all the office staff was staring at her and smiling. And she was like "Uhh what?" and they said "She's pregnant!" She said it was pretty weird, but that she definitely thinks it a sign! I think so too. And I will absolutely be adding it to my "sign" collection. :)

Friday, May 6, 2011


I'm choosing to believe.

I'm choosing to believe that this may have actually worked. That next Thursday I will have good news to share. Of course, there are some minutes in my day spent second guessing things. But most of the minutes in my day have been spent excited at the possibility of everything finally coming full circle...

Things have been happening. Little things. Little signs e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. And if I typed them all out they might seem silly to some people. But to me they have been so encouraging. And I think I'll keep them to myself :)

Although, I'll share the latest with you...

My husband told me tonight that the weirdest thing happened to him. Last night he had a dream. And to many of us, there's nothing weird about having a dream. They happen. But my husband says he rarely dreams, or if he does, he NEVER remembers them. He said that last night he dreamed that I woke him up in the middle of the night and told him I was pregnant with twins. And this morning he was so confused as to whether it was a dream or if it was real life. But he said to himself " No it had to have been a dream because she would definitely NOT be sleeping right now with news like that." :)

I love signs. And they've been happening all week. Of course, there is a part of me that is scared to revisit that extremely sad place. Scared to feel angry, foolish and heartbroken again. But I am going to choose to believe that I'm pregnant. And hope that it all works out.

I just have this overwhelming feeling like everything is coming together. As if it's our time...

I have been having some physical symptoms, but of course they could mean many things as we all know. I do have a question for any of you that have gotten pregnant. I can't remember the first couple days of my first pregnancy (because I didnt know, so I wasnt paying attention). But did any of you have slight cramping on your side rather than in the middle? Sometimes it all over. Sometimes I feel it just on one side. Of course, the "believer" in me at the moment is thinking it's implantation. Hoping it's implantation and that baby is settling in for the long haul.

I'm hoping to catch up on all your blogs this weekend! I have been going to bed pretty early every night. I've been so tired. It's been 5 days without caffiene, and I'm doing really well without it actually. A little more tired, but that's ok.

Goodnight! Sweet dreams :)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Wish I knew...

...what was going on in there! "In there" meaning my uterus. I've been having some weird twinges on my left side today. Of course, I'm hoping it's the start of something awesome implanting in there. But then my minds runs all crazy and I start thinking maybe it's an egg that never left and now it's a painful cyst. I know, I know, I shouldn't think these things!

Just had to vent about it.

It's totally the start of implantation right??! :) I'm glad you agree.

**oops, forgot to tell you about my dream last night! This woman I work with was in it. She gave me a box of what looked like hankerchiefs, each rolled up and had the letter A embroidered on it. But I opened the box and unrolled the "hankerchief" and it turned out to be a little onesie with pink polka dots on it and the letter "A" embroidered on the front. WEIRDDDD :) And one of my fav girl names begins with an "A."****

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bye-Bye, Caffiene....

I will miss you. Especially at around 2pm everyday :(

Thanks for all the advice about going caffiene free or not! And after careful consideration, I decided to just go cold turkey. I know research shows that caffiene in moderation is okay, but I think I still feel more comfortable giving it up during this 2ww. I never have with any other 2ww and before I miscarried I drank caffiene everyday. Because I didn't know I was pregnant. I just feel like I want to give this 2ww all I've got. I don't drink too much of it anyways. Either a soda or a small iced coffee every afternoon. I'm not someone who NEEDS coffee in the morning to get going. Usually, my NEED for it is in the afternoon...

So, I bought some caffiene free soda today for when I get a soda craving. Maybe I can train my brain to think it has caffiene in it, and it will just be a mental thing :)

11 days (and hopefully more. wink, wink) of no caffiene?? I can do this.

It will all be totally worth it.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

All About Acronyms

I've been having fun with acronyms lately. Especially on this blog. Every couple days I learn a new one from just simply reading all of your blogs. Some make me giggle. And some take me a minute to figure out what it stands for...:)

Some recent favorites:

HFS!- (Holy F****** Shit!)I believe either Amanda or Josey made this one up! Either way, I love it!

ASAFP- (As soon as f****** possible) Invented by me. I know, I really should watch my mouth.

LHS- (Left Hand Accessory) Made this one up for my bloggy friend Moe!

PUPO- (Pregnant until proven otherwise) I see this one on blogs all the time and the first time I saw it it took me a minute to figure it out haha

And I made up a new one today...

PAUIMB- (Progesterone all up in my biz) In honor of day one of my progesterone suppositories. Fun times.

What are some of your favorite acronyms? Do share :)

Thanks for all the supportive comments girls! I think I am going to act like I'm PUPO :)

Caffiene question: How many of you avoid caffiene during the 2ww?? I don't think I can cut it out completely just yet. Come May 12th, I def will. But I don't know...what do you guys think? It's funny because my RE office has a Keurig station in the waiting room. Loeaded up with all different kinds of tea and coffee. And I always find it funny, since I know a lot women tend to avoid caffiene while in the 2ww or pregnant. So what should I do? Cut out caffiene or cut back?