Monday, January 31, 2011

Pity Party...Table for Two...

Day 43. And still nothing. I called the RE today and set up an appointment for Friday. They are going to do blood work and an ultrasound.

I got a call from my GI doctor with the results of my colonoscopy. And it turns out I have inmflammatory colitis :( I have to take this drug called Lialda, twice a day. I have a follow up appt with them next week and hopefully I will find out a few things. Like if I'll have to take this medicine forever? Or why is it that my meds cost $50!!! :( It may not sound like a lot to some people, but for us it is. I was so sad tonight about this whole thing because, that's another 50 bucks a month that we could be putting towards another injectible cycle or IVF, for that matter. I guess at least I am getting treated for this issue now, but it's just a real bummer.

I think I have the stomach bug. It's going around my work like a tornado and we only had two kids in our class today! They are all wiped out with the bug.

The snowstorm from hell is on its way.

And as I was typing this I had an asthma attack and had to use my puffer like 4 times. Which hasn't happened in a long time. Last year I was using my neb machine about twice a day. Been better this year. But the attack I had just now, sucked. Felt like an elephant was on my chest. I took my first Lialda pill tonight, and it's probably some crazy rare side effect I'm experiencing. I had hubby running to the side effect sheet to see if I was dying....

We are just in the dumps tonight. Sometimes we feel like we can't catch a break. We know things will start looking up, but it's really hard right now. Thank God for my husband though, who keeps me going...

I'm sorry for the downer post tonight :(

I need to get my positive energy back!

Tomorrow is a new day...

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Digital Dislike

So I awoke at 4am this morning having to pee like a race horse. Is that expression even true about race horses and having to pee a lot? Hmmm. Will Google later. Anyways, so I stumbled to the bathroom, half asleep and cracked open the digital tests I bought yesterday. I had a Target gift card and it was only $9.99 for two CBE digital tests, which I thought wasn't too bad. I haven't taken a digital pregnancy test in a long time, and I forgot how painful it is to actually see the words "Not Pregnant" appear. I was so sad. Today is Day 42 of my cycle and I was holding onto this sliver of hope that somehow I was actually pregnant. CBE should really come up with more creative ways to break the bad news. Instead of "Not Pregnant" it should say something like, " I'm so sorry, but it didn't happen this time. I know you would really like to throw me across the room right now, but please don't shoot the messenger. Someday I will tell you that you are pregnant. Just keep trying and hold onto hope girl." And then it should serve you a delicious hot beverage with whipped cream or something. Maybe I'll write the CBE people and have them get to work on that. I'd love to start a pregnancy test business for infertiles. Where each one is like a fortune cookie. When it's positive it says something fun and cute and when it's negative it says something encouraging. So, who wants to go into business with me??? :)

So, yeah, not pregnant. The digitals are like the mother of all pregnancy tests (besides a blood test) so I guess I have to trust that it worked correctly. I had trouble going back to sleep after that, and when I finally did I had really crazy detailed dreams.

I'm kind of bummed out today. I got slapped in the face by CBE, no sign of AF arriving soon (today is day 42!), and we are unsure of what our next step can be. I wish I planted a money tree long ago :) Then we could just go ahead with IVF. We could try to take out a loan, but honestly we are not in financial position right now where a bank would even give us a loan. Moving to this new place will loosen up some money for us, so maybe then we could work something out. But right now it just seems to out of reach. And it makes me feel really helpless and sad. This is our family we are talking about here. The most important thing ever. What I would like to do is start another injectible cycle with an IUI whenever AF shows. And then if that doesn't work, start preparing for IVF. I've mentioned it before, but I just have this feeling that IVF is the only thing that is going to work for us. Not trying to be negative, but it's just a strong feeling I have. But in reality, once AF does show, we can only afford to do another clomid cycle with trigger and IUI. And it's hard to be hopeful with that, because I've exhausted my chances with Clomid. After 8 or so tries, I think that's telling me something. But I'd rather try something than nothing.

Today kind of burst my positive energy bubble. Boo to that. My nails were looking horrific so I used a gift certificate that my mom gave me and went and got a manicure. It was so relaxing. I'm going to call and set up an appt to get my first EVER massage at this nice spa around here. My girlfriends gave me a gift certificate for it months ago and I still haven't used it. Yes, I've never had a professional massage before. It always creeped me out the thought of a stranger rubbing all over me. But now I know I NEED a massage. I carry all my stress in my shoulders and back. My body is literally telling to get a professional massage! So, I'm gonna :)

I wish my blurry eyed 4am digital experiment had turned out different. But I guess I'm just going to have to trust that this is all part of the plan.

A bigger plan.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


I took my new friend "C's" spiritual advice and found the perfect frame for my ultrasound picture. She thought it would be good for me to frame it and look at it and appreciate the art that it is. She called it art. And I never looked at it like that before. I know some people may think " WEIRDO! Why are you framing an ultrasound picture of a baby you lost?" But truthfully, I don't care what other people think. Framing my first ever ultrasound picture, already has me feeling a bit better. I was going to frame it anyways when I first received it, so why should that stop me just because I never got to hold that baby in my arms. From the moment I got a positive pregnancy test, I knew it was a boy. I just felt it. Something was strongly telling me that the baby was a boy. So, today I took out the "baby box" I've been holding onto and looked through it. Inside it were the following items:

-The tiniest Mets hat ever made.
-The Mets bib that I gave to my husband when I told him the news.
-The ultrasound picture with the most beautiful baby blob.
-A dried out rose my husband gave me the day after we miscarried.
-An angel pin the hospital gave us.
-Brochures for support groups for people who have lost a baby.
-A pink and blue (infertility) ribbon that I wore last year during Infertility Awareness Week.
-And two positive pregnancy tests. Yeah, I know "Ewww you kept something you peed on?!" Sure did. What's even more shocking is that they each still had two bright pink lines. From what I read, those are supposed to fade. Doesn't it say that on the box? But they are still there. Four bright pink lines.

I had some trouble finding the perfect frame for this picture. It's small so I needed a really small frame. But I wanted the frame to be pretty and mean something. I looked in Target, Marshall's and then finally I looked in TJ Maxx. Didn't see anything that jumped out at me. Then as I was in line at the registers at TJ Maxx, I saw a small stand with random frames on it. All different shapes, sizes and designs. Most of them had clearance stickers on them because they were cracked or had some other imperfection. And then I saw the back of a small frame and something told me to pick it up and check out the front. "Probably cracked too" I thought to myself. I turned the frame around and to my surprise, PERFECTION :) And in my eyes, not a coincidence...

(Don't worry, that clump of bright light in the background isn't our carpet on fire. We have a fake tree/plant that we keep white lights on year round.)

PS-Day 41. DAY 41!!! It's becoming almost funny to me. Thinking back, I do remember skipping a period one time and after the miscarriage I skipped a month too. So this could be one of those times. But it's so weird. Still no spotting. No preggo symptoms, at least from what I can tell. I'm gonna call the RE on Monday. I'm pretty sure the anesthesia is to blame, because I was supposed to get my period that day I had the procedure (or close to it) and I bet the timing of that with the anesthesia has my body in "What the hell?" mode.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I need a new dress...

For the red carpet. I feel like James Franco just called me and told me I'd be sitting next to Tom Hanks at the Oscars. And that I'm invited to Anne Hathaway's Oscar after party. A heartwarming THANK YOU, to Christa over at the blog I Can't Control Everything, for my first blog award EVER :) Please forgive me, I couldn't get the link to work. But please check out her awesome blog and the amazing news she just received :) I have had a blog since 2008, two different ones, but both infertility related. And this is my first award. It made me smile!!

It really is amazing that there are people out there who not only enjoy reading my crazies, but who also cheer me on and give me support and smiles when I need it the most. This blog community is my therapy. I consider you all dear friends. I have cried with you, laughed with you, been pissed about something with you, been over the moon happy for you and most all, I feel for you. There are very few times in life, where you can truly say " I know how you feel." So, thank you Christa and everyone else out there who knows how I feel :)

And now, to share the love...

Here's how this works:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award (Thanks Christa!)
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving
4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award

7 things about me:

1) I despise mayonnaise. Always have, always will. The look of it and the smell of it makes me want to vomit. Seriously. I eat sandwiches dry. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "You don't put anything on that?" Nope. Nothing. :)

2) When I was younger I loved to dance. I took tap, ballet, and jazz for about ten years. My dream at one point was to be a background dancer for big artists like Beyonce or J-Lo :) I remember in fifth grade I did a solo dance routine (in the school talent show) to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake." I thought I rocked it. But that was back before the "OMG I just totally embarrassed myself" part of my brain worked :) Dancing is like riding a bike for me. I'll never forget how to do it. Even though it's been years since I took lessons, I can still dish out a mean shuffle ball change and buffalo step.

3) I have ridden on a U.S. Navy submarine. A real one, that submerges and goes places. Since I'm not a fan of deep dark water, I was pretty much freaking out. But then I realized, this is pretty cool. Smells weird from this chemical they mix with the oxygen for the sailors, but overall it was a great experience.

4) When I was 18 I attempted ("attempted" as in I was doing it for five minutes already before anyone said anything) to use nail polish remover on an airplane. This also goes into the "Where was my brain category." It was one of those jars of pretty nails remover and my mom and I were flying to Cancun. As my graduation gift from high school, she and I went on this trip together. So I needed to remove my old polish and put on new polish, so I figured since we were in a rush to get to the airport I would just do it on the plane. I really can't believe I did that. Was I on drugs? I think my mom warned me that it was potent and I shouldn't be doing it, but I was 18 and stupid apparently. Minutes later, some lady asked me if I would put it away. LOL! Wow. I am actually really ashamed to admit this little fact about myself.

5) I am addicted to Coca-Cola. Love it. Not diet, not Coke Zero, but the old school Coca-Cola. And I'm secretly scared that they still put cocaine in it! If that rumor was ever true.

6) I have seen the movies Sleepless in Seattle and Serendipity at least 4 million times. Ok, I may be exaggerating. But it's close I tell you!

7) I am equally terrified and in awe of sharks and the paranormal (AKA ghost stories).

And now to award some of my fellow blog girls! And as I understand I can't give an award to someone who already has this award.

Forgive me again about the links, I can't get them to work :(

1) Jennifer over at The Brulliotts
2) Waiting for Baby over at Adventures in Babymaking
3) Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde
4) Lonelily over at How to Lose a Guy in 7 Years
5) Ashley over at A Ruby Family
6) Faith over at Nurture Your Hopes
7) Moe over at A Million Margaritas
8) CGD over at Adventures in Infertility-Land
9) Jenny over at Jendometriosis
10) Amber over at Our Stork Isn't Great With Directions

Still no AF. Day 40, people, day 40...

I'm thinking about calling my RE, but we have been on a break for two months. I thought my next call to them would be to set up my day one baseline stuff. I think I'm going to give it one more week. And if there's nothing still I'll call the RE. an $$$ pregnancy test...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where art thou?

I got nothin'. AF still isn't here. And I miscalculated yesterday with my CD, today is cycle day 39. Yes, you read that right...thirty-freakin-nine! It's so weird. I don't have cramps all day but then after I eat dinner, I get really crampy. And they definitely feel like AF cramps. But then they are gone. I'm not sure if I've ever had this long of cycle before. Possibly. But I haven't always charted my cycles. Sometimes it takes awhile to get here, but there is always spotting beforehand. So, I'm still in the wait and see...

I was just watching Entertainment Tonight, and there was a boat load of celebrity pregnancy/baby announcements. Wow. Stings. I'm not sure why it stings, I don't know these people. But I think it might be because they live these glamorous lives and are swimming in money and now they are blessed with babies. I'm not saying they don't deserve motherhood or anything, but it just stings. The media makes it sound so light and easy, like the celebrity walked into Baby Gap and became pregnant. Although, I know that's not the case for some of them. I'm sure some of them have struggled, too.

One of the little girls in my class, threw up on my hand today. Yup. :) That's a little random fact from my day that I thought I'd share...

Positive thoughts for the day:
-We have an official move date! The weekend of Valentine's Day. What better way to show your love, right?
-I did a short online meditation last night. It was tough to focus, but at least I tried.
-I love my husband. And I really love laughing with him. But I really REALLY love that we can laugh together, even when times are tough.
-The weekend is almost here!

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
~Frederick Keonig

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Letter to Aunt Flow

Dear AF,

I'm really trying to discard my negative energy to this whole process, but you are making it wicked hard to do that at this moment. Today is cycle day 37 and I'm really curious to know WHERE THE EFF ARE YOU?! I've been having moderate cramps for the past few days on and off, so I know you must be en route. Right? No other sign yet though, no usual spotting...nothing. And as you probably planned it, I was a sucker and took two pregnancy tests this week, which came back neg-o. Usually getting a neg-o result makes you appear like magic. So what's up? Is it stress that's causing your delay? Did you miss the bus? Let me know what I can do to help you arrive here. Is it possible the anesthesia I received last Friday has you confused? Maybe I'll Google that. I really would like to stop thinking there is a small possibility that the tests were a false negative, so please put me out of my misery. Plus, we would like to start on our next monitored/medicated cycle.

Please and thank you,
Sarah Jane

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bye-Bye, negative energy...

First off, I realized that I am on cycle day 36! Wow, where is AF?? Took another test this morning, because I was feeling pretty crappy all night. Sadly, it was negative. I made the decision(where AF does come to town) that I want to start another medicated/monitored with this next cycle. I don't want to wait anymore. We took a short break, it didn't happen and now we just want to move on. We can't afford an injectible cycle right now, so I think we might do a clomid cycle, with a trigger shot and an IUI. It feels good to have a plan. And it feels good to be hopeful.

So for anyone that's interested in knowing how last night went with the psychic circle type thing, IT WENT AMAZING :) The psychics we met with were super cool chicks! I know there are a lot of people out there who don't believe in this stuff, but my friend and I DEFINITELY do :) It was such a good night and it felt more like a really special (and much needed) therapy session. We didn't end up doing the ritual blessing type thing, because they decided that when we do get pregnant they are going to come back and bless the babies. We talked a lot about meditation, diet, and taking our energy in a more positive direction. I really do need to have a different energy output towards infertility. And I'm going to try really hard. Things have not been great, and unhappy things have occurred, and I'm letting all that negative energy way me down and make it hard for any new life to want to grow within me. I told them about the box I have with the ultrasound picture and the baby mets stuff, along with other things. And they suggested I frame the ultrasound picture. Which, I am going to do. One of the psychics also got in touch with two very special women who were in my life. A great-grandmother and a very special aunt. And a few details she gave me about them, we're shocking, in a good way. She also mentioned that they both were showing this outpouring of love towards me. The whole process was just amazing to me. And I left there feeling good about things again...

My mom gave me a card a few weeks ago (after Nole died) and it was so cute that I wanted to share it with you all. The card had a sparkly fairy on the front with a magic wand. And it read..."If I could, I'd find a fairy Godmother with a magical wand and combat boots so that she could grant your wishes and kick the crap outta anything that tried to get in the way of your happiness."

But after last night, according to the psychic, I already have two :)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Eat. Pray. Love.....Chant?

I watched the movie Eat. Pray. Love. last night. Didn't read the book, but I liked the movie. My mom got it on Netflix and let us borrow it. Definitely, would say it was a "chick flick" as my hubby passed out within the first five minutes of the movie. For anyone that has seen it, I am seriously considering making a "baby box" and putting it under my bed like Julia Robert's friend did in the movie. Sort of kidding, sort of not. I'm all for special tricks, fertility statues, fertility symbols, prayer, anything that might help. Which is whyyyy, I'm going over to my friend's house tomorrow night for some type of psychic/Indian fertility ritual/healing circle excitement. Not exactly sure what is going to occur there, but we are very excited about it. My friend is also struggling to get pregnant and we are willing to try anything here. She has a friend who is actually a psychic and she asked if we would want to try some type of fertility ritual. And we said HELL YEAH :) So we'll see what happens! My friend and I have been joking about sacrificing a goat while chanting tomorrow night. Seriously, just joking. :) So I will let you all know how it turns out!

My mom got me The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo for Christmas. You read one entry a day. And it has a quote and a meaningful message in each one. I'm really enjoying it. It only takes a minute to read, and so far I'm loving every entry. I definitely recommend going out and buying it. Today's quote was...

"If you want to be truly understood, you need to say everything three times, in three different ways. Once for each ear...and once for the heart."
~Paula Underwood Spencer

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Supercuts Baby

Months ago I did a post on a haircut experience I had. I was ranting about the girl who cut my hair at the local Supercuts. She was going on and on about how she is pregnant but wasn't sure who the baby daddy was. Special, right? Well after I left there I was fuming. Because it made me so upset that this girl was so careless and comfortable about the fact that she didn't know who her baby's father was. I swore I'd never go back there to get my haircut. I only went to this supercuts because it was nearby and inexpensive. But I still swore I'd never go back there, mainly because I didn't want to see this girl again. Well, today...I went back. Out of pure convenience and laziness. I needed a haircut (badly) and this place was just going to have to do. I walked in and there she was, now with a very round belly. She was as friendly as could be, but I was praying that I'd get somebody else. Nope. Fate stepped in and we were once again matched up. The mirror in her booth was covered with blue baby decorations. They must have recently had a shower for her there. She was very friendly and was chatting it up. Telling me about how her boyfriend is great at chess as her giant baby belly brushed against my hair-collecting smock. Ahhh, I thought. She must have figured out who the baby daddy was. Then an older man came in for a haircut and was talking to her about when her due date was, etc. And all the sudden, I started to feel happy for her. She's due at the end of the month. And while she cut my hair and made it cute, I daydreamed about how excited she must be, what she might be naming him and all the cute stuff she probably has waiting for him in the nursery she decorated. I was no longer annoyed or fuming at her and her baby belly. I was at peace with it, even though she was kind of a dumb-ass months ago, blabbing to customers that she didn't know who the father was. I'm happy for her now. Don't even know her name, but I wish her the best. Her life is about to change for the better in a few weeks. And hope she enjoys every blissful second of it. She totally chopped my hair off. It was getting really long and I was so sick of it, so I told her to cut it short. The way she styled it came out really cute, but I know I won't be able to replicate it!!

Good luck to you Supercuts girl and baby. I hope to never see you on Jerry Springer :)

"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." ~Langston Hughes

Friday, January 21, 2011

What's Next?

I want to start off by sending a BIG congrats to Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde!!! Just this week they were able to finally bring home their adopted baby blessing! A beautiful baby girl! Congrats to them, they sure do deserve this happiness!! :)

Today was my dreaded colonoscopy! And I am SO glad it's over. Everything went fine and it was just as everyone said it would be that the prep would be the worst part. I was freaking out about the anesthesia and the procedure itself, but it all turned out to be ok. I came home...ate something...and napped for about 3 hours! By the time I woke up I was so confused as to if it was morning or night. As far as the dr could tell, everything is fine. He did take two biopsies, but said I didn't appear to have Crohn's disease. Which is good news! But honestly, a small part of me was hoping for a different answer. I mean I DO NOT want to have crohns disease, but I thought if I did maybe it would provide some answers to my infertility. Because I have heard Crohns can effect that. But I am very thankful that all these tests and procedures are coming back negative. Maybe things are finally starting to turn around for us...

I'm starting to think about "What's next?" in the baby makin department. I really want get us going again with treatments, now that some of my health concerns have been kicked to the curb. I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning. Negative :( I remember when I was at the GI dr I asked the nurse if they do colonoscopys on pregnant women and she said no, that it can cause complications. So I wanted to just check and make sure before the procedure today, and of course I'm not pregnant. AF should be making her lovely arrival anyday now...

I think our plan is going to be to just use OPK's for this next cycle, save some money and prepare for another injectibles cyle with an IUI for the end of February. Seems so far away :( But at least we are getting some kind of plan together.

Remember a few posts ago when I mentioned we might be moving, due to financial stuff and our poor dog getting killed out front? Well, it's happening. And we are so relieved. We found a nice apt in a nearby town, that is almost half of what we are paying now. We really are doing this to better our financial situation. Less stress and we can finally start saving some money to do fun things, pay off bills and save to make and or adopt a baby. Plus, hubby may be getting a new job at some point with the town we are moving to, and if that happens, we have to live there. So this move will be good for us.

Time to lay back down. Still feeling a little tired and groggy from today.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend :)

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; And for everything you gain you lose something else. It is about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice."

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Birthday Girl

Today is my Nana's 89th birthday! :) Amazing. I was thinking today what it must feel like to be 89 and to have experienced and seen so many things change in 89 years! That's a long time! We are praying that she makes it to 90. We will definitely be having a big birthday bash for her next year. God willing. We went down to her house today for a birthday lunch. She was too cute with her balloon and birthday girl crown. Old people are so cute :)

We also went to pick up Nole's ashes at the emergency vet today :( He's in a little black urn (sp?) and there's a spot up on top where we can put a picture. They also gave us a paw print and a clipping of his hair :( It's all so surreal that he's in an urn now and not alive and here with us. So sad. We haven't decided yet if we want to bury him at my parents or keep in with us in the urn. I just wouldn't like the idea of my parents moving someday and Nole being left behind. So I don't know what we are going to do yet. We have till the spring anyways when the ground thaws.

Got some good news this week! A bunch of my tests came back negative, which is a HUGE relief. I still have the colonoscopy to get through next Friday, and I have high anxiety about it! But I know I just have to do it. It's not the prep or the actual procedure that scares me, it's the anesthesia! I've never had an IV one before so for some reason I'm really scared of it. So once that is over we can maybe start thinking about getting back on board the baby train. And figuring out what our next move is going to be.

I found out this week that I'm changing classrooms at work :( Kind of bummed about it because I love my kids and the people I work with. But another teacher is leaving and they need me to fill that spot. It'll be fine once I get adjusted, but I'm just kind of sad about it for now.

Today on our drive down to my Nana's, I saw a sign that caught my attention. It was a McDonald's billboard that had an iced coffee on it and it said "If Caramel and Ice had a kid." And I thought to myself (with sarcasm), "What if Caramel and Ice are infertile, what then Mickey D's??!!" :) I'm officially losing it I think...

And then on our way home we drove by a beautiful old church and the sign out front read. " Every child is a blessing from God." And I thought to myself (with an ache in my heart), "Heck yeah, it is."

Monday, January 10, 2011

It turned out to be him...

A few posts ago I was talking about how I had this horrible fear that I would lose someone close to me before I had a baby. And at the time I was thinking, someone human. Not someone furry, with four legs who was always overflowing with love. It turned out to be my puppy who left us. And it's a heartache that is going to take awhile to heal. He wasn't supposed to die. Not now. He was supposed to watch over our babies and grow up with them and be their protector. And later in life, our family would have to put him down because he was old and sick and lived a full wonderful life. Like the scene from Marley and Me . After Christmas, I was already loving the idea of next year's Christmas card with Nole AND a baby on it. That was the hope talking. Fantasies of a fuller family next Christmas. And sadly, one part of our family was taken from us this past week. It's really really hard...

I'm in a weird place right now. We haven't even slept in our bedroom since last week when Nole died. Nole loved sleeping in the bedroom, his bed was in there and he also came right in and layed down when we said "bedtime nole." And it's where every morning he would wake my husband up first and then after he left for work, Nole would come over to my side and nuzzle his nose in my face and put his paw up on the bed. It's just hard not to have that anymore. I absolutely hate getting ready in the morning because it used to revolve around Nole and letting him out and feeding him and making sure he was all set before we left for work. And now there's nothing. I'm so happy to go to work, where I don't have to look around an empty house and feel sad that he's no longer there. We had a little radio that we left on for him when we went to work, and now we shoved it away in a closet because I couldn't bare to look at it.

We've been looking online for Goldie adoption clinics and different shelters for when we are ready for a new furry family member. But it's with mixed emotion. My heart melts at the goldie pups I see online and I just want to go scoop them up. But then I also feel bad, like I would be "replacing" Nole. It's only been a week and I'm still grieving. We do know we want another Goldie puppy in the near future though. Hubby made me laugh saying we could name it "elon." Which is Nole backwards. This gave me a much needed laugh :) We have this "name game" that we play where we come up with ridiculous names for our future kids. And it never gets old :) Always has me rolling on the floor laughing...

I have a confession to make. On Saturday I looked up a few adoption agencies online. Not for a "fur" baby but for a human baby. I just felt this overwhelming need to check it out. So I ordered some information to be mailed to us. We are not thinking seriously about it yet, but I wanted some reading material on Adoption. I feel like the odds would be against us in adoption too. I may have some serious health issues going on and our financial situation isn't wonderful. So who would give a kid to us?? That's how I feel anyways. I feel discouraged about it. But I'm still really interested in learning more about adoption...

Tonight, I am just trying to escape it all by giving into my addiction of The Bachelor :)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Broken Dreams

I found this poem over at the blog The Infertility Monster...

As children bring their
broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken
dreams to God, because
He was my friend.
But then, instead of
leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and
tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them
back and cried,"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

Saturday, January 8, 2011


(Nole on the first day I got him)

It's safe to say that I already hate 2011. Last Tuesday evening our beloved dog, Nole, was tragically hit by a car and killed. He wasn't just a dog. He was my baby. He was our baby. And we are feeling so much pain right now and missing him terribly. We both don't think we've ever felt this kind of heartache before. Having a miscarriage was really hard, but for some reason this tragedy has taken over everything. Nole was the sweetest, most lovable pup. And he had a great personality. I'm not going to get into exactly what happened, but we saw the whole thing and it felt like an absolute nightmare. I'm surprised our screams and cries weren't heard across the whole state. I can honestly say that last Tuesday evening was the worst day of my life so far. We are really having a hard time with him being gone. He was only 3 years old. Just a baby still. He didnt deserve to die and didn't deserve to die like that. We are seriously considering moving. We had been playing with the idea for awhile because of our financial situation. And it has been really stressful. Now with what happened with Nole, it pushed us over the edge in terms of making a decision to leave. Everywhere we turn we see Nole, and from every window in the house we can look out and see him getting hit all over again. And we hate that. It's gonna be hard for awhile. We are struggling with God right now, because we feel like he just keeps taking and taking and taking from us. We are beaten and bruised and it just seems like everytime we start healing from something, something else even worse happens.

(Don't worry I didn't make him wear clothes, I just had to put this on for a picture because it was so cute)

I know this is life and I know awful things happen. But we really need some good things right now. We need things to turn around for us. We have been getting a lot of "signs" from Nole that he is ok. That's all I want is to know that he is in doggie heaven and happy and playing and chasing balls as he so loved to do. Two friends of mine, K & S, sent us a package in the mail yesterday with a daisy plant, a cute teddy bear and a balloon. And there was a quote in the card, that read " If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

(Nole in Hawaii, with his first bff Ducky)

And that's the truth. When it's my time someday, I want to go where Nole is. And I want to see him running up to me with the same love he always showed us. I really can't believe this happened. I'm just hoping our hearts will heal from this soon.

He was loved by so many and I hope he knows that. I hope he knows just how much we loved him. I remember earlier in the day on Tuesday, Nole was laying on his back with his paws in the air (he loved having his belly rubbed) and I stopped and rubbed his belly and said "Mommy loves you." And hours later, he was gone from our lives. Unbelievable. And unfair.
(Nole's bday party in Hawaii)

I have so many pictures of Nole, but the ones I posted today are from when he was a puppy. Along with grieving Nole's death, I'm dealing with a lot of health issues. Baby makin' has been put on the back burner until I am healthy again. Along with infertility, I am now dealing with major GI issues, and possible liver problems. I'm having more tests done soon. 2011 has not been a good year so far. Everyone keeps telling us there's no where to go but up when we've hit rock bottom. I really hope that's true...

Goodbye my sweet dog, we will always love you and always miss you...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

This year...

I wasn't really feeling up to blogging today, but for some reason I can't let the first day of the new year go by without a post. Just wouldn't feel right. I can honestly say that I will not miss 2010. What hubby and I did walk away with this past year was a wonderful wedding and the start of a beautiful marriage. And for that we are so blessed and grateful. However, 2010 had it share of sadness. It's easy on the first day of the new year to feel like there is a fresh start, a new beginning, a new injection of hope into us. But I'm still feeling pretty sad and stuck. I think last night may have been the first time (ever) that I didn't watch the ball drop. Hubby and I decided to have a quiet night in. We got Cheesecake Factory takeout, had some champagne and started to watch a movie. But halfway in we both were falling asleep! All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep for a long time. So we did. And missed the midnight excitement. It had been a long and lovely last day of 2010. I ended up in the ER with (tmi) a lot of GI bleeding, combined with the light headed-ness and headaches that I had been getting all week. Plus, I have been extra tired. So we headed to the ER and my mom met us there. Five hours later I was released but still feeling kind of crappy. So our new years eve night in was just fine for us. I am okay, but it looks like I am going to have to bite the bullet and get a colonoscopy done within the next two weeks. I'm terrified of anestesia. I've heard the procedure is nothing, but just the anxiety of being knocked out is making me nuts. Oh well, I have to do it. All signs are pointing to that I might have Crohn's disease. So, thank you 2010 for going out like that. It was really special...

I took a pregnancy test today. Negative. Why I took it? Not really sure. I guess with all the symptoms I had been having the past few weeks and the fact that my period was a little lighter and shorter this month, made me just want to check. I'm sure the ER checked my blood for pregnancy yesterday, but I didn't ask. And I thought maybe the first day of the new year would have some magic in it and give us a wonderful surprise.

Part of me is really hopeful and excited for 2011 and what it might bring. And part of me is absolutely terrified of another year passing and possibly no baby or baby on the way. It is so scary. I wish I could just see the future somehow, so I could tell myself to calm down and relax that it will happen this year for us. But I can't I just have to keep trying and hoping and praying.

I go through these phases where I'm excited and hopeful and have a "nothing will keep me down" attitude. And then other times I'm just sad and done with infertility and done with blogging. Which is kind of where I'm at right now. I know things will change, but I just have to let myself feel what I'm feeling. And get through it.

It is becoming harder though to see so many people around me having babies and getting pregnant and just plain happy. We want that so badly. We want our turn to come. I have this fear too of losing people close to me before we have a baby. It probably sounds rididulous, but it's true. I'm terrified about that.

I didn't even listen to my favorite version of the "Auld Lang Syne" song. My favorite is the one they play on the Sex and the City movie. I forgot who sings it but I have it on a mixed cd somewhere. That scene in the movie always makes me cry.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2011. And that all your hopes and dreams come true, whatever they may be. Big or small, serious or silly. I hope they come to life.

And I hope this year, is THE year for us :)