Thursday, October 28, 2010

Didn't know I'd need a medical degree...

To mix these meds! Tonight was my first night with the injectibles. The Bravelle and Lupron. Yes, I did have an instruction sheet and yes the nurse did (quickly) explain it to me. But I was listening between body shaking sobs, so I really didn't catch much. My mom came over to help us do this and we spent a great deal time laughing. Mostly because it really is confusing. My mom's a nurse so she understood some of it, but a lot of the directions were like reading chinese. I'm sure it gets easier as we go, but oh man, we had a hard time! And the shot hurt more than I thought it would. Not sure if it was the meds or just the intial stabbing.

My mom stopped at my clinic today and bought me Circle & Bloom. A meditation type thing for those of you who don't know. It's supposed to help you relax through treatments. And she randomly ran into the dr/founder of the clinic and had a 30 min convo about me. I've never met the guy. He only comes to the office on Thursdays. I think my mom was hoping he would be like " Here, take these free drugs for your daughter."

A woman my mother works with had a really hard time getting pregnant also. And she actually went to the same clinic I go to. She's due with a baby girl anyday now. They are having a baby shower for her at my mom's work tomorrow. I had this overwhelming feeling today that I wanted to give her a gift. I've never met her in person, but she know of my IF struggles and I hers. While moving this weekend I found a plastic bag with two (very adorable) baby girl outfits. I actually bought them almost 3 years ago, for my "someday" daughter. Yes, I know that might sound nuts, but they were really cute outfits and for some reason I had to have them. And save them. Well today I decided I wanted to give one of them to this woman that my mom works with. Because these outfits are somewhat special and symbolic for me. And giving away one of them to someone who once shared the pain I feel, and now has a happy ending, makes my heart feel good. I got her a card too, explaining the gift. I hope she likes it.

I may be MIA for awhile. Our computer crashed and we have to get it fixed or try to anyways. And I'm a little ashamed to say that I am going to be LOST without access to the internet for however many days. I'm honestly depressed about it. But hey, what can I do.
Borrowing my mom's laptop for tonight.

Today was our Fall Festival at work. The kids loved it and the adults did too! The creative women who put it together, totally go all out! They put a lot of hard work and thought into it. Everyone has their good and bad days at their job. Today was a good day. I was proud to work there, with those people and those kids. Kids who I would take a bullet for, any day of the week. I love them.

I am not going to lie though, I am loving that tomorrow is Friday! I need the weekend, BADLY. Especially after this week. I'm excited to get trick or treaters at our new house :) And it's my brother's Birthday on Halloween! Happy Birthday, Bro. :)

See you all in a few days, when we get our computer fixed. Unless, we end up dropping it off the roof in frustration...

Love you Mom, thanks for all you do.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Doing my best.

Doing my best to get through this really bad week.

Doing my best not punch people in the face who say " Maybe you guys just need to have a lot of sex!" Oh really?! You are SO smart. Why didn't we think of that. UGH.

Doing my best to not have a complete mental breakdown. Oh wait! That already happened. Today.

I had my Day 3 appointment this morning. I woke up just feeling really exhausted and sad, so driving to my crack of dawn appointment in the rain didn't help. When I got out of my car at the clinic, I saw that I had a flat tire! So that just added to things. Over the past few days my doctor's office has been trying to figure out with my insurance company what they will cover for injectibles. And the news wasn't good. We were going to have to cough up $915 dollars, of which we don't have. So I was really depressed about all that. Long story short, I was sobbing in the exam room, in full mental breakdown mode. Just so sad and overwhelmed. And they were really nice about it, saying it happens all the time there. But I still felt bad for freaking all of them out. I am going to start injectibles (tomorrow) but without Menopur. Has anyone else tried this? I am doing Bravelle, Lupron and then Novirel. With an IUI in a few weeks. I am nervous. Mostly because I hate shots and I'm going to be having to do them everyday. The ovidrel ones Ive done arent bad at all. But now I have to mix meds and all that. Probably going to enlist the help of my mom who's a nurse. I am excited and hopeful, but also curious to as how well this will work if I'm taking out the menopur? Confusing.

Today was just not good. I really think I may not leave the house this weekend. Drink wine and stay under a blanket watching all the Brothers & Sisters I DVR'D. We have a lot of unpacking and stuff to do with the house, but I feel like I need to take care of myself this weekend. And just RELAX. My couch, my dog and my hubby, thats all I need right now.

And our computer crashed. We need a new laptop in the worst way. I'm borrowing my mom's for the moment. But I hate not having a computer. I need to be able to blog (vent my crazies!). It's therapy for me.

Despite this awful and overwhelming week, I am doing my best to stay positive and keep moving forward. It may not sound like it, but I am. There is still a little piece of me full of hope and happiness. I'm not gonna let one really bad week, set the tone for weeks to come.

My friend's husband posted this quote on facebook the other night and I love it...

"Rejoice in appreciation! Too often we cloud our minds with illusion, focusing on the negative until it appears much greater than it is. There's so much to be thankful for each and every heartbeat."

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Depression, I don't have time for you.

I didn't have too much time to grieve about Friday. Didn't have time to be depressed. Which I guess was a good thing. We moved into the house this weekend. And we are so exhausted! Love the house, but not lovin' the being hit by a bus feeling and the fact that tomorrow is Monday. Two day weekends should be illegal.

I was a mess Friday. I sat in silence for awhile after hearing the news that it didn't happen. Actually, I looked at the results online first before I listened to the message. For some reason, I thought reading it would be less painful. But to be honest with you, I really didn't think it would be negative. This time around I just had a feeling in my heart that this was it. That we were pregnant. It just felt like everything was coming together. We had the IUI right before we left for the honeymoon. And it was perfect because I was able to be stress-free that whole week. We had so many people praying for us, family, friends, strangers. A patient my mom was visiting at a nursing home, got talking to her about how her grand-daughter had a hard time too getting pregnant. So the old lady took down our names and said she was going to pray for us. How sweet of her! A co-worker of my mom's goes on a pilgrimage type thing to the statue of the Madonna in Europe. And she takes prayer requests with her. You write your prayers on paper, seal it up and then she leaves it at the statue. Apparently people have been healed and prayers answered. So my mom wrote one for us. Friday I posted up sticky notes at work and around the house that said BFP. Power of positive thinking, right? Before work that morning when I went out to my car, I found a rose, cupcakes, and the sweetest note from my husband.

It just felt like we had all our ducks in a row. Like this HAD to be it. And then it wasn't. After sitting in silence for awhile, I then cried. Hard. For a long time. I think the pain of getting BFN's month after month is getting worse. This time hurt the most since the miscarriage. But I don't have time to be sad. We spent all weekend moving and now it's time to go back to work. I just have to keep going. And keep hoping that someday soon this will all be over.

In the middle of moving on Saturday I stopped to call the fertility clinic. I wanted to ask about ordering injectibles or what the next step should be. I'd like to do injectibles with and IUI this next cycle. But the lady that handles the meds said that she wasn't sure they would get here in time for the start of AF. I also thought about doing a unmedicated monitored cycle with an IUI. I'm not even sure if that's something they do. The meds/insurance lady was kind of bitchy. And that really annoyed me. She acted like she was too busy to be on the phone talking with me about ordering meds. Maybe she was having a bad day, I guess I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I was a little sad too because I didn't think I would be calling on Saturday to start all over. I thought that call would have been to set up my next beta.

I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get out of bed without the love and support from all my family and friends. Blog friends too! You all encourage me to keep going, keep trying and to not give up. I really feel I have the best husband in the whole world. He shows me so much love, even when he's hurting through all this too.

I know this will happen for us. We just have to keep going...

We're sad. But we are not going to give up.

Friday, October 22, 2010

My least favorite letters of the alphabet...


I can't believe it. I really thought this was going to happen. I am so heartbroken right now, I don't even know what to say. Well actually I have a lot to say, but too broken right now to write anything...

Maybe tomorrow.

But for now, I am going to cry it something bad for me...and cuddle with my wonderful husband...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Don't stand a chance.

The jar of pickles in our fridge, don't stand a chance...

I bought them yesterday. YESTERDAY. And they are almost gone. Tonight I had the crazy urge to chase the pickles with diet orange soda. If I am not pregnant, I am going to be so embarrassed. Who eats an entire jar of pickles in two days??? Maybe a family of five. But not one woman. My "diet" started today too. I did ok. Besides the pickle problem. I was starving the whole time, but I tried to stick to smaller portions and had a Smart Ones for dinner. It's just hard, because this is a very stressful week. So much packing and organizing to do for the move this weekend, plus the anxiety over Friday's appt. I decided that I'm not even going to check my voicemail at work on Friday. I know the clinic will call me with the results, but I really don't want to know until I am home. Because if it's sad news, I just don't think I could get through my day at work. So, I'm gonna wait.

I'm kind of feeling blah and overwhelmed tonight. The one room with all my crap in it is a complete mess and I don't know where to start. I'm just exhausted already and the week just started. Mondays are no fun, especially Mondays after a vacation.

I want another pickle.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Bang head here.

My blog is all effed up. I've never been good at changing my templates and backgrounds. The ones that have turned out ok, just happen to look good by a big dose of luck. I'm not good with computer stuff. Last night I tried to change my background to a cute Fall leaves one and now it's all jumbled up with red. And I'm done trying to figure out how to fix it, because it seriously makes me want to bang my head against something :) So I'm walking away, from blog design 101 for awhile...

Reality welcomed us back today with a flat tire! Yay. I feel like my car is falling apart. I love my car. It's a dark blue Cadillac CTS. But lately it's falling apart on us. The right side mirror fell off. We glued it back. It fell off again. Before we left for Florida, the check engine light came on and there was a rattling sound. Now the rattling sound is gone, but the check engine light is still on. And now I need a new tire. My hubby does his best to fix what he can, but this all costs so much!! Its so annoying.

Tomorrow is day one of my new diet!! I don't really have a set goal. I just want to start eating better and taking smaller portions. Hopefully I'll lose a few pounds! Today for lunch I had 4 pickles and a jelly doughnut. As mentioned above, diet starts tomorrow not today:) I had a major craving for pickles. I know what your thinking...pickles? Pregnant? But I have had this pickle craving before. I remember back in the beginning of my IF journey, I found these cute pregnancy announcements online. They had a bowl of ice cream and a pickle on the front. Wow, that feels like such a long time ago. Today a good friend of mine started her IF journey. And I told her I hope that it is short lived :) I hate seeing anyone go through this...

So, today I am 9 dpiui (days post IUI). Not really feeling any symptoms, other than some cramps on and off. Has anyone else out there experienced almost no symptoms and had a positive test? I know it would be really early, but I keep hoping for some symptoms. It's so evil how period symptoms are almost the same as pregnancy ones!!! I just need some hope, so any of you out there that has conceived through IUI's..please let me know!

These week is going to be so busy. Between work, moving into the new house, car repairs, and the bloodtest on Friday, I am going to be exhausted. Plus, I am cutting out caffiene all week, and pretty much food in general. Well, that's what the first week of a diet feels like anyways :)

Favorite feeling of the day:

(As we are driving back from filling my tire with a fix-a-flat and putting air in it)

Hubby: We might have to get new tires on your car for the winter. I don't want you driving around on these with the snow, being pregnant.

Me: (immediate butterflies in my stomach at the word "pregnant")

Crappy feeling of the day:

Seeing super cute halloween costumes for kids and not having a kid to buy one for. Still.

Off to relax a little :) Big week ahead...


Saturday, October 16, 2010

Honeymoon Baby?

We just got back from our honeymoon and it was AMAZING :) Just what we needed and more! We went to Sunny Isles Beach in South Florida. Hubby's aunt and uncle own a high rise apt on the ocean there and they graciously let us use it for the week! This place was unreal. Like a penthouse apt out of a magazine. Floor to ceiling windows everywhere! So beautiful. We were very spoiled this week. And we deserved it!! :) We just had a really good time together and it was stress free!! Something we knew nothing of lately! It felt so good to just not think of anything, but us...

And now we are back in chilly New York. But thats ok. Next weekend we move into our new place. Pretty excited about that. Not the moving tons of crap, but the new space part :) We stopped over at the new house when we got back to check on things, and my lovely mother had bought us a new dish set that matched our new dining room chandelier. She also bought a really cool curtain for our kitchen sliding glass door and a bunch of other stuff. She had the kitchen table all set up like a dinner for two with fake daisies (our wedding flower) and our wedding invite framed. Have I mentioned I have the best mom in the world? Seriously. My mother in law had our new grill put together for us too! We are so lucky to have family that are so supportive and helpful. This past week Hubby was saying that he can't wait to teach our kids the importance of "family." Family really is...everything...

I can't say a honeymoon baby wasn't in the back of our minds this week. Because it was. After the IUI last Friday, I told myself I wasn't even going to think (obsess) about it. But Sunday night I started getting some cramping, mild cramps but still it shook me a little. They've continued on and off. And I know this could be a good thing, but the broken part of me still thinks the worst sometimes. I always have been envious of couples who go away on their honeymoons and come back..BAM! Pregnant. Like all they had to do was think it. And maybe, just maybe that will be us too. Except for that fact that there was a lot of thought and medical intervention put into this. Not the classic, too much champagne equation. We'll see next Friday when I go in for my bloodtest! I'm not gonna test at home this time.

Fingers crossed!! :)

Friday, October 8, 2010


IUI? Check.

This morning went well! Now on to the two week wait...

Well, we won't be doing much waiting, since we leave for our honeymoon tomorrow!! :)Florida here we come!!

I'll post more about the IUI when we get back. See you in a week!!

Thanks for all the prayers and kind words :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It's a GO!

Tomorrow we are having our first and hopefully only IUI!!!!! I had my appointment this morning and I have two big follies on my right! I am really excited, anxious, nervous, HOPEFUL!!!! Cautiously optimistic...

I was nervous because the appt didnt start off great. Nurse Awesome wasn't there, but I got Nurse Kinda Awesome, so it was ok. But she couldnt get any blood from my right arm, which has never happened. She had to poke my left arm and that finally worked.

So, here we are on the eve of our IUI. Please God, let this work. Everyone has been so supportive and praying for us, and I can't thank you all enough.

It was funny because today another classroom borrowed our ipod for a little bit. Later in the day, when I went to go get it back from them I said " Can we take our IUI back now?" haha Instead of, "Can we take our ipod back now?" Wow. I dont think the other teacher really heard what I said, but I couldn't believe I said that. So funny.

My mom just came by the house and triggered me!!! She's a nurse, so I trust her with injections more than I trust myself with it...

She also brought me earrings that she bought in Hawaii that have sea turtles on them. Sea turtles are a symbol of fertility because they lay lots of eggs!! So, I am going to wear them to our appt tomorrow :)

Wish us luck! And then on Saturday we are off on the honeymoon!! Yay! :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Thank you, Nurse Awesome.

I had an appointment this morning to check on things. I was so relieved to get the nurse I really like, who I'm now calling Nurse Awesome. She's just so nice and when she comes into the room I feel relaxed and not on edge. And today she did both my bloodwork and ultrasound. Usually, it's two different people on each task. She said I had some pretty follicles growing, a few at 15 and some at 14!!! Which is progress!! I was so relieved. It was just what I needed to hear. I have an appt on thursday morning, and the plan is so far to trigger thursday night and IUI friday morning!! I am praying this plan...stays the plan...

I did ask Nurse Awesome what my Estradiol level should be at with what my follie size was and she said probably around 300-600. But when I got home tonight and checked my results online, the Estradiol was only at 176 :( So I'm not sure if that's a bad sign or not. I emailed Nurse Awesome, so we'll see what she says. I just hope Friday will still be a go.

Keep cookin' follies!!!! Let's DO THIS :)

My early morning visits to the clinic have been interesting. And the same feeling always comes over me when I walk in there. I think I've mentioned before in a previous post, that the fertility clinic I go to is absolutely beautiful. Leather couches, a fireplace, Keurig machine, classical music, just really really nice and calming. There's a whole fertility spa upstairs. But as I wait for my name to be called each time, I watch all the other women (and sometimes their partners/spouses) come and go. And I feel this immediate connection with them and a shared sadness. I always wonder what their stories are. How heartbroken are they? Did they just maybe get good news? Are they about to go in for their first IUI or IVF? Do they cry as much as I do?

It's a like a club in a way. Like a secret hideout where we are all gathering together with the same make a family...

Sometimes I just want to introduce myself, or say hello, or even hug them. But I don't. I just sit and pray for good news...

And then I pray that I'll get to work on time...

Stay tuned for news of the Ovaries Oven and Nurse Awesome.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Carpet, Carseats and Clomid.

Have I mentioned that Clomid is evil??! I mean, of course, if it helps with the desired end product, then it's worth it. But, man, it makes me nuts...

We were painting at the new house this weekend! Got a lot done!! But our spare room (aka future baby's room) has 1970 pepto bismol pink carpet. The house is a bit outdated and we are doing our best to fix it up. We checked this weekend underneath the pepto carpet to see if there were hardwood floors underneath, but there isn't. So I immediately said well "If we have a baby, there is no way in hell, I am bringing our precious newborn back to this nasty carpet, we're getting new stuff put down." And then Hubby said " Well we'll have to see." And Clomid took over and I just about breathed fire. My poor husband. There were other comments made too from our family, "Well if its a girl, pink would work!" :) Yes, I suppose if it was cleaned, but still, if we have a baby, new carpet is going to be put down. Cue Hubby backing up saying "Yes, Dear." See? Clomid makes me crazy.

Is it completely psycho that when I'm driving my car and I happen to look in the backseat, that it makes me sad? Sad because I'm imagining there should be a car seat back there? On a number of occassions, when talking about my car in conversation, Hubby has mentioned out of nowhere " Your car has a good amount of room for a car seat." Every time this comes up, my heart melts for some reason. Maybe because it reminds me that the hubby wants this just as badly...

We are so excited about moving! My MIL bought us new living room furniture and my mom and stepdad got us a Lowe's Giftcard. Things are moving along! Got a lot done this weekend thanks to a good friend and our family!

I have an appointment early tomorrow morning. I hope they tell me something good. I need some good news in the baby makin department. We have a binder that we started to keep house stuff receipts and I labeled a folder "Baby Makin'" for ALL of those many, many receipts. I'm on hubby's insurance now, so things should be a little better cost wise.

Honeymoon in 6 days!! Can't wait!! Starting October 19th (after the honeymoon) I am getting back on Weight Watchers. Can't stand being obese any longer. And it can only help our fertility situation...

We had perfect Fall weather this weekend..sunny and cool! Love it! And I got a pumpkin coffee from Dunkin Donuts today and it was pretty much heaven.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my Clomid pills...:)

Friday, October 1, 2010

Clomid: Day 1,320,000

Or so it feels like...

I have been a mess this whole week. Just tired and miserable, sad and stressed, scared and confused. It just has not been a good week. As I mentioned in my last post, our IUI was cancelled the meds didnt work. So now I am repeating Clomid in the same cycle and it is kicking my ass.

The mood swings, the hotflashes, the everthing...

Not every day this week has been horrible though. We did get the keys to the house and picked paint colors! So we are having a marathon painting session this weekend and are going to try and get most of it done. We are excited about this new place. This new start...

What we are really looking forward to is our South Beach Honeymoon in a week!!! It is SOOOO needed. And we are going to enjoy every second of it.

My next appointment is Monday. Maybe my luck will turn around and I'll get some really good news. Let's hope. In a perfect world, I would like to be able to sneak an IUI in before the honeymoon. Even if that means swinging by the clinic before our flight to Florida :) Lil' desperate? Maybe. Or maybe not, from you IF readers :)

My friend "L" just had her second baby! A BOY!!! Congrats to them!!! She has been one of my very best cheerleaders throughout all this IF stuff. :)

I think I'm going to put myself to bed. Rest up for paint-a-thon 2010 and try not to think about this crappy week. Which included the glass from one of my side mirrors on my car (which we just had replaced), falling off while driving. Or maybe the rattling noise we keep hearing from my car. Or maybe the check engine light that came on tonight. Awesome.

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Right. Or gotta get through the rain to see the rainbow!? Sure.

Thank you honey for loving me, even when I'm not so lovable...

Honeymoon in 8 days!!! :)