Today sucked.
I learned a few things today.
The meds in this cycle did not work.
The IUI is cancelled.
I have to repeat Clomid (starting tonight) and hope for the best.
I had a mini meltdown on my lunchbreak today. Crying to my mother about how I'm scared I will never be a mom and how unfair this all is. How we might not be able to afford IVF and/or adoption...
This is all so hard. I feel defeated. I feel like this may never happen for us. I try so hard to stay positive and be happy and hope for the best. But there are times through this IF process where infertility just hurts so bad that nothing can take the pain away...
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
My ovaries are sooooo lazy.
Today, was a bad Monday. I know it could have been way worse, but it was still bad. I was really really tired and it poured here all day. I had my appointment early this morning. I was actually excited to go because I have been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this IUI the past few days. At my last appointment I was told that it would probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. But that's not going to be the case now.
The nurse who drew my blood might as well have taken a rusty seraded kitchen knife and cut my arm, letting the blood just drip into the vile. She was as nice as could be, but oh man! She jammed the needle in. I have been so impressed with this clinic with their blood drawing abilities (never hurts!) up until today. And then confusion came when the tech was measuring my follies. Last week a different tech said I had a "ton" of follies on one side and two or so on the other. That was such promising news! And then today the tech said I had three. JUST THREE??!! Two of them at about a 9 and one at a 10. Last cycle when I did Femara, I just had one but it was at 19! I was just so let down. And confused. How could I go from having a "ton" to three? Did some just stop growing?! I didnt ask the nurse why that was, because I guess I was just in shock that the IUI would not be happening tomorrow. Luckily, I have a friend who used to be an IF nurse and she's been helping me undertstand the technical stuff.
So, here I sit waiting for these follies to grow nice and HUGE! I have an appt on Thursday and Im praying for some good news. Then the IUI will likely be Friday or Saturday.
Oh and I hurt my arm last week picking up a really big kid in our class. Had to go for an xray and found I have tendonitis in my arm which was aggravated by picking up the big kid. It was so painful, but they gave me some drugs to help and I think it's slowly getting better. I asked the nurse to take my bp today on the opposite arm, after telling her what happened with it. She then went on to say that she knows what it's like picking up a big kid, because her niece is a little "heffer". Yes, those were her exact words. Kind of funny, but at the same time I was thinking " Wow, she just called her niece a heffer." :)
Then, to end my Monday, I had to go pick up pre natal vitamins from the pharmacy after work. I pretty much dislike having to go and do that, because I feel like a fraud. I feel like the cashier is thinking "Awww she must be pregnant" and I want to just scream out loud "NOPE, not preggs people." I guess it just makes me sad to have to take these, when theres no baby...
So thanks, Monday, for bursting my happy hope bubble. Thursday, you better be good to me...
Please.
The nurse who drew my blood might as well have taken a rusty seraded kitchen knife and cut my arm, letting the blood just drip into the vile. She was as nice as could be, but oh man! She jammed the needle in. I have been so impressed with this clinic with their blood drawing abilities (never hurts!) up until today. And then confusion came when the tech was measuring my follies. Last week a different tech said I had a "ton" of follies on one side and two or so on the other. That was such promising news! And then today the tech said I had three. JUST THREE??!! Two of them at about a 9 and one at a 10. Last cycle when I did Femara, I just had one but it was at 19! I was just so let down. And confused. How could I go from having a "ton" to three? Did some just stop growing?! I didnt ask the nurse why that was, because I guess I was just in shock that the IUI would not be happening tomorrow. Luckily, I have a friend who used to be an IF nurse and she's been helping me undertstand the technical stuff.
So, here I sit waiting for these follies to grow nice and HUGE! I have an appt on Thursday and Im praying for some good news. Then the IUI will likely be Friday or Saturday.
Oh and I hurt my arm last week picking up a really big kid in our class. Had to go for an xray and found I have tendonitis in my arm which was aggravated by picking up the big kid. It was so painful, but they gave me some drugs to help and I think it's slowly getting better. I asked the nurse to take my bp today on the opposite arm, after telling her what happened with it. She then went on to say that she knows what it's like picking up a big kid, because her niece is a little "heffer". Yes, those were her exact words. Kind of funny, but at the same time I was thinking " Wow, she just called her niece a heffer." :)
Then, to end my Monday, I had to go pick up pre natal vitamins from the pharmacy after work. I pretty much dislike having to go and do that, because I feel like a fraud. I feel like the cashier is thinking "Awww she must be pregnant" and I want to just scream out loud "NOPE, not preggs people." I guess it just makes me sad to have to take these, when theres no baby...
So thanks, Monday, for bursting my happy hope bubble. Thursday, you better be good to me...
Please.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Fall-ing in love...
Happy First Day of Fall!
I LOVE this season. It is by far my favorite. And my husband loves it as well. There are so many things to love about it. The cooler weather, the pretty leaves, the jeans and hoodies, the tastes and smells! I love pumpkin and apple candles. I used to buy the expensive Yankee Candles, but last year we found out that the Wal-Mart (Mainstays)three wick candles, are the way to go. They smell AMAZING, last a long time and wait for it...only cost $3.97!!!!
I had another appointment this morning. Bright and early at 7:15. I think the sun was just rising as I left the house. Wayyyy to early for me, but very much worth it. The usual occurred: bloodwork and ultrasound. The tech gave me hope when she said I had a "ton" of follies growing on my right side and just a "few" on my left. Still pretty small. But I don't think I've ever heard a tech tell me I had a "TON" of them. So that was exciting. I have another appt on Monday morning, so hopefully these things will GROWWW. C'mon Clomid, do your job. So, we are looking at our first and (hopefully) only IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm worried about the timing of it all, but I just have to trust in the doctors that they know what they are doing. My boss is so graciously letting me take the day off, on the day of the IUI. I just want to put my mind at peace afterwards and not be running around. If I could hang upside down all day, I would :) Hmmm, where is the nearest playground? Monkey bars, here I come :) ha
I'm hoping this works for us. We deserve for this to work for us...
Tomorrow is Friday!!! We are probably going paint color shopping and couch shopping this weekend. Gotta get moving with the house!
I LOVE this season. It is by far my favorite. And my husband loves it as well. There are so many things to love about it. The cooler weather, the pretty leaves, the jeans and hoodies, the tastes and smells! I love pumpkin and apple candles. I used to buy the expensive Yankee Candles, but last year we found out that the Wal-Mart (Mainstays)three wick candles, are the way to go. They smell AMAZING, last a long time and wait for it...only cost $3.97!!!!
I had another appointment this morning. Bright and early at 7:15. I think the sun was just rising as I left the house. Wayyyy to early for me, but very much worth it. The usual occurred: bloodwork and ultrasound. The tech gave me hope when she said I had a "ton" of follies growing on my right side and just a "few" on my left. Still pretty small. But I don't think I've ever heard a tech tell me I had a "TON" of them. So that was exciting. I have another appt on Monday morning, so hopefully these things will GROWWW. C'mon Clomid, do your job. So, we are looking at our first and (hopefully) only IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm worried about the timing of it all, but I just have to trust in the doctors that they know what they are doing. My boss is so graciously letting me take the day off, on the day of the IUI. I just want to put my mind at peace afterwards and not be running around. If I could hang upside down all day, I would :) Hmmm, where is the nearest playground? Monkey bars, here I come :) ha
I'm hoping this works for us. We deserve for this to work for us...
Tomorrow is Friday!!! We are probably going paint color shopping and couch shopping this weekend. Gotta get moving with the house!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Watch for Children
Hello everybody! Yup, I am still alive and well :) Sorry for the lack of blogging...we've been very busy! I still try to keep up with everyone's blogs here and there, even though I don't always comment :)
Just a quick update...
Life as newlyweds is going great :) We just received our wedding video from an awesome (and very talented) family member. She just started up her own photography business and as a gift, put together an amazing wedding video for us! We love it and will probably be watching it A LOT! I will post pictures soon, we've received a couple but I am waiting for the professional ones that take about 6-8 weeks. I'm usually pretty patient, but in this case...I can't wait to get them!
Other exciting news, we've found a new place to call "home"!! We are super excited and can't wait to get in there and start painting in October. Hubby can't wait to put up xmas lights this winter and I am itching for mums and pumpkins on our front steps! :) We are happy with our find. Small house, great neighborhood, close to pretty much everything, and good schools:) For, the future kid(s)...
AF showed on Tuesday. I was a little bit heartbroken. I was hoping that it might of just "happened" these past two months. I was trying really hard to be less stressed, happy and just not thinking about it all the time. And I thought maybe all the happiness and love from the wedding, would just create a baby. Like a wedding gift, or something :) But it didn't turn out that way. Thursday I was back at the fertility clinic. We are on Day 4 of Clomid and we are going to try our first (and hopefully only) IUI. I had a mini breakdown the night before the appointment. My poor husband coming to my rescue once again. I was just really sad that we were having to start this all again, I was already exhausted. Exhausted just thinking about all the appointments, all the meds, all the ups and downs, all the waiting, all the possible sadness...
I remain hopeful. I'm not going to stop feeling hopeful. Ever. I just wish this was all easier. The nurse mentioned that my next step (if needed) after this cycle would be injectibles. And then IVF after that??! Terrifying. I'm sort of at the point now where I'm in shock at the progression of it all. I'm almost at the end of the rope. IVF...the bus either starts or stops there.
We are getting excited for our honeymoon to South Beach in October! :) Just three more weeks!
Oh, to explain my post title...
We had an ice cream truck come to our wedding, instead of doing a wedding cake! LOVED IT...and so did everyone there! The photographer took some pictures of the two of us, posing around the truck. And the day after, we realized that there would be one of us standing under the "Watch for Children" sign that most ice cream trucks have :)
Coincidence? :)
Just a quick update...
Life as newlyweds is going great :) We just received our wedding video from an awesome (and very talented) family member. She just started up her own photography business and as a gift, put together an amazing wedding video for us! We love it and will probably be watching it A LOT! I will post pictures soon, we've received a couple but I am waiting for the professional ones that take about 6-8 weeks. I'm usually pretty patient, but in this case...I can't wait to get them!
Other exciting news, we've found a new place to call "home"!! We are super excited and can't wait to get in there and start painting in October. Hubby can't wait to put up xmas lights this winter and I am itching for mums and pumpkins on our front steps! :) We are happy with our find. Small house, great neighborhood, close to pretty much everything, and good schools:) For, the future kid(s)...
AF showed on Tuesday. I was a little bit heartbroken. I was hoping that it might of just "happened" these past two months. I was trying really hard to be less stressed, happy and just not thinking about it all the time. And I thought maybe all the happiness and love from the wedding, would just create a baby. Like a wedding gift, or something :) But it didn't turn out that way. Thursday I was back at the fertility clinic. We are on Day 4 of Clomid and we are going to try our first (and hopefully only) IUI. I had a mini breakdown the night before the appointment. My poor husband coming to my rescue once again. I was just really sad that we were having to start this all again, I was already exhausted. Exhausted just thinking about all the appointments, all the meds, all the ups and downs, all the waiting, all the possible sadness...
I remain hopeful. I'm not going to stop feeling hopeful. Ever. I just wish this was all easier. The nurse mentioned that my next step (if needed) after this cycle would be injectibles. And then IVF after that??! Terrifying. I'm sort of at the point now where I'm in shock at the progression of it all. I'm almost at the end of the rope. IVF...the bus either starts or stops there.
We are getting excited for our honeymoon to South Beach in October! :) Just three more weeks!
Oh, to explain my post title...
We had an ice cream truck come to our wedding, instead of doing a wedding cake! LOVED IT...and so did everyone there! The photographer took some pictures of the two of us, posing around the truck. And the day after, we realized that there would be one of us standing under the "Watch for Children" sign that most ice cream trucks have :)
Coincidence? :)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Love & Marriage
We are Married!!!
Our wedding was just perfect. That's the only way to describe it! I've never felt so much love in one room (well, tent). :)
I'm completely exhausted, so there's not going to be much to this post. I promise a longer one and maybe pictures soon!
A friend of my mother's commented that the wedding was "magical." It really was! Best day of our lives.
Now, we wish October would get here so we can go on our honeymoon :)
Our wedding was just perfect. That's the only way to describe it! I've never felt so much love in one room (well, tent). :)
I'm completely exhausted, so there's not going to be much to this post. I promise a longer one and maybe pictures soon!
A friend of my mother's commented that the wedding was "magical." It really was! Best day of our lives.
Now, we wish October would get here so we can go on our honeymoon :)
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