No Baby in this Manger

Sorry it's been a while. Been pretty busy this past week and dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. No miracle Christmas baby for us, my period arrived this morning. I wasn't really expecting anything this month anyways, because we weren't using any drugs or being monitored. And the painful truth is that us conceiving the "old fashioned way" again, most likely is not in the plans for us. I think I'm coming to the alarming realization that this is going to take much much more. I won't lie and say that I didn't have hope for a Christmas miracle. My plan was to buy a pregnancy test and take it Christmas morning if my period hadn't arrived. I daydreamed about taking the test, seeing the two pink lines and sharing the news with everyone on Christmas...

We're not going to do anything this cycle either, because we can't afford more injectibles at the moment and honestly, I don't think I'm ready to start again. My plan as of right now, is to start a new medicated and monitored cycle with IUI towards the end of January. So we have that to look forward to and be hopeful for. This thing called infertility is such a lonely place. Even when you have lots of loving family members and friends. I think I'm starting to accept that, when it's going to happen again for us, it's going to happen. Everyone has their own struggles, and most people say when the struggle is over, they came out a better..stonger..person. My mom said something to me about this other day. How bad things happen to good people and everyone goes through some type of struggle in their lives. My mom: " Why did I get a brain tumor? Why does your brother have Type 1 diabetes? Why did your cousin Jeremy have a baby with Down Syndrome?" It made think how true that is, because I remember when almost 7 years ago when my cousin found out that his baby boy had down syndrome, everyone went through a rollercoaster of emotions. But today, now 7 years later, my cousin Jeremy and our family can't imagine our lives without Bradley. He is such a love. So yeah, most of the time you come out stronger and better and happier...


This past week there was a pregnancy/baby explosion. Do any of you other IF girls have a weird intuition now about people who are pregnant?! I do. It's freaky. Before someone even makes an announcement, I already know. I already feel it. My friends sister just had beautiful twin baby boys this week! And my cousin Jenny found out she was pregnant. A big congrats to them!! Surprisingly, I feel no jealousy just happiness for them. My cousin sent me a fertility goddess statue, so Im hoping that will work some magic maybe :) I used to feel bitter when I'd hear pregnancy announcements, but not anymore. I'm not surprised by them at all. I expect them. I guess that bitterness feeling is just replaced with a standing still feeling. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is moving forward, and I'm just..stuck!

Last Thursday night we went to a surprise 30th birthday party for Matt's friend's wife. He and his wife are so nice, I love them. But we haven't broke the news about our infertility struggles to them yet. They are pregnant with a baby girl and due in February. I didn't know anyone else at the party, so it was a little awkward, but I was just proud of myself for getting out and doing something. But this is where the pregnancy explosion happened. At this small party, there were four pregnant women. Within two minutes of being there, I overheard two girls sharing stories about how their pregnancies were going. A total of 6 times, we were asked "When are you guys gonna start popping them out?" And my husband accidentally responded to one of those with " We're on our way!" And the other guy took that as we were already pregnant "on our way." And hubby had to quickly fix that with " Oh I mean we're working on it." It was awkward. The first conversations at our table were between two girls talking about breastfeeding. On more than one occassion, hubby and I shared the same glance with each other, the " Is this really happening?" glance. Because it seemed like everything baby and pregnancy had exploded in our faces. At one point, one of the pregnant girls said to me, " If you can avoid being pregnant around the holidays, that would be good, because it's hard not being able to drink! Worth it, but hard!" And I just smiled and laughed but in my head I was thinking, " Ohhh believe me, I can avoid it!" We did have a good time though and everyone at the party that I met was super super nice. None of them had any idea about our struggles. And who knows, maybe some of them had trouble too!

I guess I just have to accept there is a bigger plan for us. I'm going to try and enjoy this Christmas. I can't let a good Christmas go to waste :)

I have to say though that Facebook is a liar. I took a quiz on there awhile back and the answer for me was " A pregnancy or birth in 2010." LIARRRS. :) I am itching to go to a real psychic though.

Like that old 'N Sync song, maybe God is just spending a little extra time on our special baby. At least, that's what I'd like to think...