Guilt

I hate to complain/whine/bitch about anything having to do with caring for my baby. Why? Because I feel like I don't have the right to. I struggled for so long to have this baby, we've been through hell and back, and now our little miracle is finally here. I'm sure there are people (who are still struggling with IF) reading this who want to punch me in the face. I get it. I do. But I just have to say, this is hard....

Samantha seems to be screaming more and more with each day. At first it was just at night, now it's during the day too. Last night was especially hard. She screamed so hard that you could no longer hear the cry and her face turned blue! And not once..but twice! I tried EVERYTHING to soothe her. And it wasn't working. I did everything I was supposed to and she was still unhappy. I finally woke up my husband up in tears and we took her for a long ride in the car at 2am to try to get her to settle down. In the car she was was fine but then the minute we walked in the door she was crying again. You know bothers me the most? Not being able to soothe my own daughter :( That's tough. I love her so much and just want her to be happy and okay. My husband and I are convinced she's having tummy issues because of all the screaming and her body movements and facial expressions. We took her to the doctor today to get checked her out. She's 6lbs 3oz now. Which is good that she gained, but the doctor said she should be a little more than that by now. So now we are sticking with just one formula all day and she said to feed her on demand during the day. Still do the zantac but instead of putting it in her bottle to use the dropper into her mouth. We are also going to increase the amount we offer her in her bottle. So I feel guilty! Was she starving to death??! Although we had been offering her more in her bottle the last few days and she doesn't always take it all. So I don't know. We have to go back and get her weighed on Thursday. I also feel guilty that maybe I should have tried more with the breastfeeding. My milk supply never really came in enough and in the NICU I was just giving her what I could. The same when we got home. But then it dwindled to nothing. I feel like if she was on breast milk it would be easier on her tummy :( I'm also feeling sad and having thoughts that because she went straight to the NICU after birth we didn't get to properly bond or something :( Sometimes I have these thoughts that my own baby doesn't like me because I can't seem to soothe her when she's upset....

All I want is for her to feel better and be happy. I can deal with no sleep but I can't deal with thinking something bothering/hurting her and I can't fix it! I have been swaddling her more (against her will) and that seems to help a little bit. Also she pretty much lives in her bouncy/vibrating seat. The Sleep Sheep we bought the other day with the white noise sounds? AMAZING. She really likes it. At least for a little while. So I highly suggest it to everyone. Although, they sell a small one and a big one and I think only the big one has the "mother's heartbeat" sound on it. Not positive about that, but we just got the big one. She seems to like it on the "rain" button the most.

Hopefully someday soon this will all be a distant memory and our sweet girl will be better!! I think we are all craving a bit of a routine. Right now it's all about survival! :)

Due Date!

Today was supposed to be Samantha's due date!! I still find it hard to believe that she came 52 days early. My mom said something recently like " Well God must have wanted you guys to have some extra time with her." :)

Here is a picture of her in the NICU the day after she was born....

And here is a picture of her I took this evening...

She's frowning a bit because of the camera flash! Sorry honey!

We bought this lamb today. It has soothing sounds like a mother's heartbeat, ocean waves and whale sounds. Let's hope it helps soothe her! :) It came highly recommended! Come on, Lamb! Help a sista out!

G & B

So last night (at 2am) while I was up with Samantha, I caught the episode of Guilliana & Bill where they found out their IVF worked. Which started a full blown sob-fest. I was just so happy for them. And it brought back all the emotions we felt the day we got the news that our IVF worked. It was interesting to watch them preparing the embryos too and thinking that's how Samantha started out and her two brothers or sisters. Watching all this brought back everything of how we did transfer 3 babies. Two took. One made it to a live birth. Our sweet girl Samantha. Such a miracle. Seriously. It also got me thinking about a second child. A group of friends I know from hs have a "secret" group page where we can vent about anything and everything. But mostly it's Mommies venting and discussing. The other day the topic got brought up of having more kids. Everyone was discussing if and when they decided to have a second/third child. My initial feeling throughout my whole (horrible) pregnancy was that I just couldn't imagine having such a tough pregnancy again. And then our baby girl was born premature. Which definitely made me feel like this was it for us. One child. We were done. Not to mention how hard it was to conceive her. But looking at her now I just have a feeling she won't be our only child. That someday she might have a sibling. It honestly scares me to death to go through such an experience again that wasn't all that pleasant the first time. In a way I feel like we would be "tempting fate" or whatever the expression is. We were advised anyways by the doctors to wait 18mths after a premature birth to even try again. I guess this is to let the uterus heal completely? But I guess what I'm saying is that having a second isn't completely off the table. It's a possibility. We do have 4 frostie babies and come August we have to start paying for the clinic to keep them frozen. I guess time will tell what will happen. For now I just want to enjoy my baby girl and watch her grow!

I watched The Happiest Baby on the Block dvd the other day. And that night I tried some of the techniques out. And they worked! The first time that is. I tried again in the middle of the night when she was screaming and it didn't work. But I'm just going to keep at it. I've been trying to swaddle her more even though she seems to hate it. The doctor also had us trying a 1/2 a teaspoon of rice cereal in her 11pm bottle for a few days to help with reflux but it didn't really work. So now she is on Zantac twice a day which we just started last night. She did seem to have somewhat of a better night last night! Although this morning she seemed more cranky. I'm hoping after a few days the zantac will make a big difference!

Tomorrow is a big day...it's Samantha's due date!!!

Apple of my Eye

Today we had to take Samantha for her follow up eye doctor appt at the hospital. The day we took her home from the NICU she had to have the same scary eye exam to check for retinopathy. All preemies are checked for it. But the exam is scary! They dilate her eyes and then pry them wide open with these metal clamps and then the doctor checks the blood vessels behind her eyes. And today she had to have the same exam again. I was NOT looking forward to it. The first exam at the NICU I wasn't there for it. On purpose. I just didn't think I could handle seeing it done and watching her scream. But this time I knew I had to put on my big girl mommy pants and be there for my daughter! And boy did she scream and cry through it today:(  There were also clamp marks around her eyes afterwards! Ugh. I don't know how Im going to get through her shots in about two weeks.

Good news is her eyes look good. She doesn't have to go back for six months. Thank goodness.

The nights are still rough in our household. My poor girl for whatever reason pretty much cries from midnight to 5:30 am. Last night was especially hard. We have been working with the doctor changing the formulas and even adding a little bit of rice cereal to her 11pm bottle. She has reflux pretty bad, so we are thinking that's what's making her cry. The next step is to try some zantac on her. It's just so hard at night. Nothing soothes her! Occasionally she'll stop crying for a few minutes but then picks up again. I noticed she quiets a little when I'm walking with her but I'm so exhausted int he middle of the night I just cant walk with her for 5 hours straight! My mom bought us the Happiest Baby on the Block dvd, so I'm gonna check that out. But I've pretty much tried everything on there. The swaddling, the shhhhsh-ing, etc. But I'm going to watch it and hope that it helps somehow! :)

Here are a few more pics of my girl...

This week

This week is National Infertility Awareness week...

And I could not be more aware of it then I am right now as I look into my new baby girl's face...

She is a symbol of all we went through and how far we've come. She's light at the end of tunnel. She's a dream come true. She is a prayer answered.

Someday I hope to print this blog into a book as a keepsake and I hope that she will read it. And know how much she was wanted and loved...

Even though my heart is so full loving my baby girl, it will always have the scars of infertility...

So today I send out hugs, hope and healing prayers to all the women (and men!) who are struggling with infertility <3

Baby (Girl!) Boom! And adventures in poop...

I am so excited to announce that my bestie is having a BABY GIRL in September!! :) When I heard the news I got so emotional. Goosebumps...tears...smiles! I guess just after all we've been through together to know that we are now blessed with our baby girls just makes my heart swell up! Just so grateful :) And I know our daughters are going to be the best of friends. She had a gender reveal party with her family yesterday and Samantha had to put her guess in...

I feel like there has been a baby boom of sorts! A baby GIRL boom! Just seems like a lot of people I know are having girls! And there is one in particular that I am super excited about (but I can't post about it justtttt yet!) :) You know who you are. 

And I just have to post about our poop adventures. The other night I had run out to the store quick and when I returned my husband was feeding her but was all shook up about a poop explosion Samantha had. And I couldn't help but laugh. I'm used to poop explosions (thanks to my job) so it really doesn't phase me much. However, to my husband he's always interested to check out her poop! One time he was feeding her and he could hear and smell her pooping as he was feeding her. Afterwards, I changed her and he was like " I gotta see this!" and had to check out the blowout poopy diaper. It kind of amazes him that such a little girl can do so much damage to a diaper :) It's just so funny. Well anyways, I had run out to the store..got back and he said he had changed her diaper but that she squirted out some poop while he was wiping her and it got on the changing pad. So I went back to check it out and it didn't "just get a little on the pad" it looked like they had both had a poop party and smeared poop everywhere! I mean there was like piles of poop and it was smeared all over the wood of the table! LOL. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. How did it get that out of control? :) Stay tuned for more poop adventures...

Full circle

Last July I wrote this post as we were going through our injections for IVF...

And just last night as I was walking and bouncing with Samantha during her (almost all night) colic cries, a song coming from the TV stopped me in my tracks. It was the "Chances" song that I had posted back in July after everyone was asking what are chances were with doing IVF. It's a song I've always loved and last night I stood in front of the TV listening to this song and holding my baby girl. I couldn't help but to smile down at her and feel so incredibly grateful...

I feel like everything has come full circle...

We took a chance and now she's in our arms.

Colic is evil...

Well, my friends, we have a colicky baby on our hands. I'll sleep when I'm dead...

More on this later...

In happier news...our beautiful girl is now 5lbs 11oz!!! :) And her belly stump finally fell off so we are going to give her a real bath this weekend!! Is it weird that I was a little sad the stump came off??

Sleepless in New York

Whoever said we'd be less tired once baby was home from the NICU...lied :) Well no this is partially true because we don't have to drive back and forth from the hospital and the emotional exhaustion and worry is less. However, I am TIRED. I've never been this tired before. There have been two nights so far where I was in tears from exhaustion and trying to calm a fussy baby. Thankfully my mom, MIL and husband have been great about letting me get a few hours sleep here and there when possible. For all of you who are pregnant or soon to be pregnant, the best advice I can give you is accept help!! I knew going into this that the lack of sleep thing was going to be my biggest hurdle and it definitely is. It can be difficult to sleep when baby sleeps, because you are usually busy washing things or worrying if the baby is breathing or too hot or cold, or baby just doesn't sleep! Samantha thinks night time is party time. And lately she's been fussy because of gas probably and only sleeps in ten min intervals and then cries in between. So sleep has not been an option for me. Plus, because she is a preemie we have to wake her every three hours to eat, so there's no letting her sleep through a feeding. One night she did well and we both got an hour or two, but other than that we are sleepless in NY. But guess what?

It's all so worth it. :)

Even at 2am when I'm feeding her and can barely hold my head up or keep my eyes open, and I feel like I might actually die from exhaustion, I'm still super thankful for this gift :)

Like for instance right now...

Sooo tired.  It's 1am and baby girl is laying in my arms making funny faces at me. As much as Id love to crawl into bed and sleep until 2013, I am in complete awe that my dream came true...

And I've acquired a new skill...

Doing pretty much anything and everything with one hand.

My left arm and hand now officially belong to Samantha :)

In fact, I just typed this whole post with one hand.

Samantha's First Easter

Happy Easter!

Big yawn

Easter Chick

 

Sweater with bunny buttons on it

Birthday Cupcake

So today I turn 33!!! Wow. Where has the time gone?? This birthday is by far the best birthday I've ever had.  I was thanking God last night at 2am (another completely sleepless night btw) for the gift of my little girl. As I held her in the rocking chair last night I cried. Probably a combination of being so exhausted and the overwhelming love I feel for her. Couldn't be more blessed right now. Not going to do much today. Try to nap and just keep it low key. My days/nights are now spent watching her chest rise and fall...

Who needs a real birthday cupcake when I have this one! :)

I love this picture! Such a face! She's either a pirate, has gas, or is giving me the stink eye! Either way, I think it's adorable :)

First pediatrician visit!

Samantha had her first doctor's visit yesterday. My husband couldn't get out of work to come with us so my mom came along, thank goodness! I definitely played the "new mom" role. I had packed a diaper bag. A few extra outfits, wipes, burp cloths, her bottle in case it ran into feeding time, and 3 diapers. Where was my mistake? The THREE diapers.

First night home, I forced myself to stay awake all night to check her breathing. And I was excited to have her home. So I didn't sleep at all that night! Second night home was pretty bad. I was sooo exhausted and had planned to sleep when she slept. But she didn't sleep much! And was so fussy because she was constipated. Was only okay in my arms, was crying a lot and just wasn't happy. I was so exhausted that I thought I was going to drop her. By morning I was in tears. Thankfully my mom took a few days off to come help me while matt is at work and I've gotten a few naps in!

So back to the doctor's visit, she was constipated. So the doctor (who I love btw he was so great) stimulated her witha  rectal thermometer and sure enough...big blow out! And the reason why bringing only three diapers out somewhere isn't enough!! Thankfully though she was good to go on the third diaper. But lesson learned...pack lots of diapers when I go out!

I was so happy she pooped because you could definitely tell she was feeling better :) And she went again today. I never thought I would be so excited to see someone poop!

But we are trying to settle in to a routine. I just love her so much! She has to eat every three hours. No choice in letting her or me sleep through it. But last night was a little better!

Here are her stats from the visit:

She is 5lbs 1 oz now!!! She hit the 5 lb mark! :) And she is 17 inches long now..so she grew half an inch since birth...

Any tips on getting her to burp? She can be pretty difficult to burp.

Gotta run...the princess is waking...

Here are a few pics....

She's home!!!!

After 27 days in the NICU, our sweet princess is HOME! :) Will post pictures soon.