Cheeseeee!

She smiled at me! She smiled at me! :) It was here and gone in a flash...but she did it!!!

Still here

My Mother's Day present to myself! :)

Sorry for the lack of updates! Been pretty busy with le petit bebe. Ok, so what's new with Sam you ask? Well, good news first. She's sleeping better at night! Gets up once usually to eat and then it takes me a little while but I get back to sleep. So that's good! I am getting more sleep and it seems she has her nights and days figured out. Other good news is that the very expensive Neocate is helping! She seems to be a little better stomach-wise. We are waiting on the insurance company to hopefully approve the formula so we don't have to pay so much! And a rep had four free cans mailed to our house today, so that's good! The crappy news is the hemangioma on her neck is getting worse. It looks painful and is definitely causing her discomfort. It started to ulcerate (bleed/scab over) and then the scab came off and it's all raw now! My poor girl. We went to the doctor's yesterday and he is sending us to see a plastic surgeon tomorrow because it's so bad. She may have to get laser treatments. And in the meantime we are to give her tylenol and put neosporin on it. She's also 8lbs 1oz! The doc said (besides the hemangioma) she looks great! She's still not really smiling. Which is worrying me. She does half smiles but I have to really work for it. The doc isnt too concerned yet. He said he thinks the smiles will come once she's having discomfort anymore. He said we'll see what happens in a month and if she's still not smiling he may have her go for an MRI of her brain. When she was born she had a small bleed in her brain that's common with preemies. But the docs werent concerned about it as they usually heal on their own. The pediatrician just would want to make sure she doesn't have a hemangioma on her brain. Which I really hope is not the case! Just have to keep praying that she starts smiling soon! Although, since our girl has been sleeping better at night she get's cranking (that's what Matt and I call it when she gets cranky) during the day and especially in the early evening. But today was a little bit better. I will post a new picture soon! Just can't seem to find time in the day lately!

Samantha's favorite things right now:

-Walks in the stroller with her Dad!

-Laying up on her Dad's shoulder

-Mommy singing "You are my sunshine" to her

-When mommy tickles her

-She loves to look around at everything!

-Her sleep sheep and bouncy seat! 

-The sound of the vacuum!

-She loveesssss being naked on her changing table!

-She was loving lavender baths (but the past few times she cranked out)

-Late night car rides with mom and dad (we do this to calm her down)

OH! I can't believe I almost forgot to write about this! I have been filing her nails (too scared to cut them) and the other day I tried to cut them and cut the tip of her finger!! BLOOD EVERYWHERE! It was horrible. I'm mother of the year :( I'm not going near her with nail clippers every again! It was so traumatic!

Happenings

Hi everyone. Yes, we are still alive. Sorry I've sort of been MIA the last few weeks. To be honest, things are still rough here at our house. Things seem to be getting worse with our little princess. She has been sleeping better at night but screams cries for a good portion of the morning, afternoon and night. We've tried everything and her doctor is working with us to figure it out. Now she is on the formula Neocate. Which costs about $60 a can. Yup, you read that right. We are working with the insurance company to get it a little cheaper because the doctor said she has to have it. So there's some form he can fill out. We are still trying to figure out her stomach issues. But what concerns us most is her cry. It's a pain cry not a regular "baby cry." We just know that she is hurting!  Today she had an ultrasound of her belly at the hospital. They found two hemangiomas on her liver. Which the doctor said shouldn't cause pain and is nothing to worry about. As I mentioned before, our sweet girl has a pretty large hemangioma on her back at the base of her neck. They are common in low birth weight babies, especially girls. And they usually grow and they go away by their first birthday. Samantha's has grown pretty large and it just looks like it hurts. The doctor originally said that it doesn't hurt her, but now it's ulcerating (breaking/scabbing over) and it's definitely causing her pain :( I don't know if there's ever been a time where I have picked her up and she hasn't cried out. It's in a bad spot. So once we get her stomach issues straightened out, the doctor is going to have us see a specialist about the hemangioma. They usually don't treat it on babies this young. But we are so beside ourselves over constantly seeing our girl in pain. For now all we can do is put A&D ointment on. It's been a really hard and stressful time. We love our baby girl so much. There have been a few times this week where we have both broken down and cried because we just want her to feel better. And still no real smiles from her. Which I'm thinking, if she's in pain most of the time, of course she isn't going to smile. But that's another thing I've been worrying about her developmental milestones. We are hoping this new formula works and that the doctors can help her with the hemangioma.  I can't stand to see her hurting anymore....

The last time (last week) when we were at the doctors she was 7lbs 10oz. So she is quickly approaching the  8lb mark! :) Preemie stuff doesn't fit her anymore but some newborn stuff is too big still! Depends on the brand. Lately, she's really been loving laying up on her Daddy's shoulders. It's pretty cute. And something else I love is when I have her over my shoulder (burping or cuddling her) she inches her head down to my chest so we are skin to skin. It's really sweet :) She's really been focusing a lot more lately on things and I go crazy do silly things trying to make her laugh or smile! :) Guess I'm not that funny.

Here is her birth announcement! I took the pictures and my blog buddy Carlia from nest building 101 designed and edited it! Isn't it so cute? :)

Love this pic too!

And last but not least! Something really amazing happened this weekend. Could this be any more awesome?  Nope! 

My lovely friend E and her husband finally got their miracle through adoption! I'm just so happy for them! 

Thank you

Just wanted to thank you all for your support over my last post :) You sure know how to make a girl feel loved and not alone! I went to the OB's today. Have I told you how much I LOVE my new OB (the woman that delivered Samantha)? She's so nice and spent so much time talking with me. This was actually my 6 week post delivery check up, that I had to cancel awhile back. I talked with her about how I was feeling and she was so supportive. She said " There are so many women out there struggling with this and they haven't been through half the crap you have!" She put me on two meds and wants to see me again in 6 weeks to see how I'm doing. And then at that time she will wean me off one of the meds and keep me on the other. I know it takes some time for them to kick in so I'm not expecting an overnight miracle. But I just feel better knowing that I'm doing something about it! :)

Things are still all screwy with baby girl. The doc wants to try her on Prilosec now. So she is starting that tonight and we are to stop the gripe water. We stopped using the black "witches brew" (as I was calling it) a few days ago. The doctor didn't think it was a good idea and told us just to stick with the Little Tummies Gripe water. But our heads are spinning. Nothing is really working. I feel so bad for her because she's probably wondering what the hell is all this stuff we keep pumping her full of! PLEASE GOD let the prilosec work. If it doesnt after a few weeks, I want her to see a baby GI doctor. The peds doc wants us to come in next week to check her weight and see how she's doing. Her screaming seems to be more in the morning now and early to late evening. The last couple nights she does okay. Cries before she eats, cries after. Takes me close to hour to get her settled and back to sleep and then repeat the whole thing again at next feeding. THIS I can do. Feeding her and working to put her back down is okay. It's just the screaming that's tough. We still have to wake her to eat every three hours. Which is tough because sometimes I will just get her calm and back to sleep and then I have to wake her 45 minutes later! The doctor said we will see how her weight is at the next visit and maybe we can stretch out feeding times to just when she's hungry.

I think I have an obsession with baby jeans. They might be the cutest things ever.

Well, no, my sweet girl is the cutest thing ever :)

Drowning.

Ok, ladies. It's time to get real here with ya for a minute. I've decided to look into taking an anti-depressant. I'm just drowning here. Since our baby girl was born I have felt like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I always thought I had a touch of post partum depression but was trying to just work through it.

Well, I can't.

It's just gotten to be too much. It all started from feeling like I never got to "say goodbye" to my pregnancy with everything that happened. And then the NICU was physically and emotionally draining. And now the colic and not being able to soothe my baby girl. It's gotten worse and we are working with the doctor to find a solution so that our poor girl feels better. We don't think it's just colic I just know somethings not right with her stomach.  Anyways, it has been really really tough. I cry A LOT. Today, on my first Mother's Day, while my daughter and husband were napping, I stood in the kitchen and cried. Not a "Oh I'm so happy cry" but a "OMG I'm drowning in the baby blues...somebody or something save me!"

So, I'm hoping to get on some medication this week to help me get out of this...

It's hard to even bring this up, because a lot of people don't understand how the baby blues work. They think "You finally have you miracle baby why can't you just be happy??!!" Well, it doesn't work like that. I can't control this. I love my girl more than anything in the world!!! I just need some help to me get through this rough time.

So there ya have it. Bring on the drugs.

**Oh, the pictures I posted of Samantha in my last post, unfortunately it wasn't a real smile. I think I caught her mid yawn or mid squirm. Wish it was though! :)**

Best. Mother's. Day. Ever.

What I'd like for Mother's Day...

...is a smile from my baby girl! A few weeks ago the doctor mentioned she should be smiling back at us in a few weeks. Well the time went by and she didn't smile back yet. So I asked the doctor about it at the last appt and he said not to worry that because she is a preemie she might be 7 weeks behind with these milestones. She does smile. It's just while she's sleeping. And then sometimes when she is awake and staring off looking at something, she kind of starts to crack a smile. But I'm really craving a real...big...adorable..gummy smile from my daughter :)

I feel like I really need it. Things have been super tough with her colic. Last night was especially hard. My husband was away for work overnight so my mom and step dad came over for a bit in the evening to let me nap before my "night shift." Well she cried the whole time for them and after they left it got worse. She SCREAMEDDD pretty much all night long :( It's just so hard. Because I don't know how to help her. We've tried everything. The doctor put her on these "colic drops" but I think they are just making her constipated and more miserable. So we talked to the doctor and they said to stop them for two days and see what happens. She also kind of threw up last night. Something much thicker than regular spit up. And there were a few times I had to blow in her face to get her breathing again. Because she sometimes screams so hard and forgets to breathe and turns blue. It's lovely :( But what I'm learning is, is that I'm not alone. People have been reaching out to me and giving me tips and telling me that their baby screams all night too!!! It's just good to know that we aren't the only ones dealing with this...and that it will eventually get better!! Please God, let it get better....

We did get some happy news the other day! My husband got a new job with the town we live in! And this is a big deal for us financially! :) Higher income, much cheaper health insurance, room for advancement and no more overnight trips!! We are excited about this. I'm so happy for my husband because he has been waiting for this job for 9 years!

Also, baby girl has been taking a nap in her crib every afternoon for the past few days! Which is a big deal!! I think she likes it in there. Or is just super exhausted from screaming all night that she'll sleep anywhere! I love watching her on the monitor :)

Two Months Old!

Darius Rucker's new song
It Won't Be Like This For Long

LYRICS:

He didnt have to wake up
He'd been up all nite
Lay'n there in bed listen'n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laugh'n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Four years later bout four thirty
She's crawling in there bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now dont you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll drop her off
And she wont even know your gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long

One day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times you'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the isle
And he'll raise her vale
But right now she up and cry'n
And the truth is that he dont mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch'n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows
It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He's try'n to hold on
It wont be like this for long
It wont be like this for long

I heard the above song on the radio yesterday and cried my eyes out!!

My baby girl turned two months old today! It's also the birthday of my Aunt Rhodie (Roselyn) for who her middle name comes from! We miss her. I know she would have loved Sam so much but I know she is looking over her. My poor girl also had to get shots today! :( Booooooo......

But she is now a 7 pounder! 7 pounds even!

ps- President Obama was in our area today! Pretty cool watching Air Force One fly in...

Lucky

Have you ever had one of those days where you just stop and think how lucky you are? I know, I know. There are plenty of times in life where we feel VERY unlucky. But today I feel so lucky and blessed. Last night I awoke around 11pm (I usually take a little catnap in the evenings for about an hour) feeling extremely sick. I practically ran to the bathroom and proceeded to hang my head over the toilet for awhile. I knew I had some kind of bug. Then I started crying while my head was in the toilet because I knew I shouldn't be around the baby. So I called my mom and her and my step dad drove all the way over to our house (in the pouring rain and at 1am) to come get me and bring me to their house to spend the night. And my MIL came over to spend the night at our house to help my husband out with the baby...

I know how lucky we are to have such loving and helpful parents. Not everyone has that.

I'm feeling better today. It was really hard being away from her all night, but we all made it through okay. Samantha had a follow up at the doctor's today to check her weight. She gained 6oz in just a couple days! She is 6lbs 9oz now! The doctor was pleased with that. We have been increasing her feeds a bit and basically feeding "on demand" instead of every three hours as the NICU advised. It's totally thrown off all the feeding times, but whatever makes her happy and has her gaining weight! Hopefully, this will help her sleep more and give her momma a break at night. My husband and my MIL said she was pretty good for them last night. So it looks like my daughter just likes to give me a hard time! :) Isn't she starting a little early??

My husband has been such a rock star with the baby today. He totally stepped up and was Mom AND Dad while I was sick. He even made us dinner tonight.

I'm glad every once in a while there are days like this where I'm reminded of how lucky I am. A great family, a wonderful husband, a roof over our heads, food on our table and a beautiful miracle in our arms...

Oh, by the way. AF is an evil b****!!! She is trying to kill me. I had heard that it can be bad the first time after pregnancy. But bad? More like...brutal!

Check it out! She's sucking her thumb!! Please forgive the shot of my boobs, the stretched out maternity shirt and my man hands...

Oh, hello AF....

I didn't miss you one bit.