Monday, May 14, 2012

Drowning.

Ok, ladies. It's time to get real here with ya for a minute. I've decided to look into taking an anti-depressant. I'm just drowning here. Since our baby girl was born I have felt like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I always thought I had a touch of post partum depression but was trying to just work through it.

Well, I can't.

It's just gotten to be too much. It all started from feeling like I never got to "say goodbye" to my pregnancy with everything that happened. And then the NICU was physically and emotionally draining. And now the colic and not being able to soothe my baby girl. It's gotten worse and we are working with the doctor to find a solution so that our poor girl feels better. We don't think it's just colic I just know somethings not right with her stomach.  Anyways, it has been really really tough. I cry A LOT. Today, on my first Mother's Day, while my daughter and husband were napping, I stood in the kitchen and cried. Not a "Oh I'm so happy cry" but a "OMG I'm drowning in the baby blues...somebody or something save me!"

So, I'm hoping to get on some medication this week to help me get out of this...

It's hard to even bring this up, because a lot of people don't understand how the baby blues work. They think "You finally have you miracle baby why can't you just be happy??!!" Well, it doesn't work like that. I can't control this. I love my girl more than anything in the world!!! I just need some help to me get through this rough time.

So there ya have it. Bring on the drugs.

**Oh, the pictures I posted of Samantha in my last post, unfortunately it wasn't a real smile. I think I caught her mid yawn or mid squirm. Wish it was though! :)**



19 comments:

katie said...

Your mood is affecting the baby, this happened to me too. Take the anti depressants and your little girl will calm down too. You will get through this, do not beat yourself up, good luck.

thatmoxiegirl said...

Don't worry about affecting Samantha. You hold her and love her and she feels loves. You're right. Very few people talk about post partum depression or have some sort of assinine thing to say, like, but you have your miriacle baby. Like that thought had not occured to you and now, wow, youe're cured.

I am go glad to hear you are getting help. I fought depression after Jane was born for too long and never sought help. She was difficult to care for with her allergies,breast feeding was sapping me, and I bawled night and day over failing to have a vaginal birth, nevermind a natural one. We had other legal/custody issuse going on too and it was just too much.

We're here for you. Never hesitate.

Liz said...

You need to do what you need to do to make it through these difficult times. If taking medication helps you to feel better and be the best Mom you can is a great decision. I am sure it is a tough decision but if it's best for your family then do it for sure! You can tell by all of your posts how much you love that little girl. Please don't feel like people will think you are ungrateful. ***hugs***

Lauren said...

Praying you get through this tough time, and so happy you are going to get the help you need. There is nothing wrong with saying you need help, whatever the road was to getting your baby. And I'm happy your trusting your instincts if you think it's not just colic, you are her #1 advocate and it sounds like you are doing a great job fighting for her already! Hugs and love your way <3

cgd said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling and I know ppd can be just terrible. I am very glad to hear that you are taking steps to help yourself and think meds can be very helpful (keep in mind that anti depressants take 4-8 weeks to start working). Support groups can also be really helpful, you can probably get info on that from your OB office or the hospital where you delivered.
much love to you

TeeJay said...

There's nothing wrong with seeking help when you need it. I'm glad you are taking this step. You've been through a lot and it's understandable that it has taken a toll on you. I hope things get better soon. ((hugs))

Sailor's Sweetheart said...

Uggggh, I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know all about depression and how hard it can be. Thankfully I'm starting to come out of mine but it took months to get here. It's awful when your mind refuses to let you feel happy. I hope the drugs help you out soon love!

Faith said...

I'm so glad you are taking the step to get medication. Feeling like this is MISERABLE and I wish no new mom ever had to go through it. It is SO normal, though, hun. Really. You are an amazing mom - you love Samantha more than life itself. No child can ask anything more. You will feel better soon...and, you will get this figured out for her, too, so she can feel better. I have no doubt. This phase for both of you will NOT last forever. Hang in there!

Jenny said...

I'm so proud of you sweety. It is so hard for any mom to admit to these feelings...it's even harder for a mother who went through infertility to admit them. I had it too...I saught help just 5 days after she was born!!! I was on a cipralex...I took 1/2 of a 10mg pill daily for 6 months. It's completely safe while BFing--I'm not sure if you still are or not but just wanted to comfort you trust me I looked into it thoroughly, I contacted the children's hospital and the pharmacists...everyone said it was fine.
((BIG HUGS)) wanting to be a mommy more than anything in the world doesn't mean that you are immune to this type of thing. Get ye to a doctor ASAP hun! Love you

Moe said...

Oh hun! I"m sorry!!! I hope you are able to get some help this week. You have had to deal with so much more than just "having" a baby. I'm thinking of you!

Carlia said...

i haven't dealt with postpartum depression, but i've had to deal with bouts of depression since i was a teenager. i've been on antidepressants before and i think it's great that you're being proactive and seeking treatment. don't feel bad about needing help, because you've been through a lot. you do what you need to do, trust yourself in all of this, and things will get better. samantha needs her beautiful mama to be healthy and happy, too. you're in my thoughts and prayers! hugs!!!

KW said...

Seeking help is a wonderful step toward feeling better! As for Samantha's colic--it could very well be reflux combined with a milk sensitivity. Zantac AND Prevacid, along with Nutramigen Formula (the pre-made stuff in a can first then weaned to the powdered after a few months) made all the difference in the world for our colicky baby. Also probiotics--there is a great company called BioGaia who make them for infants. Don't feel badly for pestering your pediatrician to help you figure out what is wrong with her tummy. We were weaned off all meds by 9 months or so and switched to cow's milk at 12 months no problem. It will get better!!

allthesunforyou said...

Good for you for recognizing it, and doing something to help yourself. I commend you for putting this out there for all to read. More people need to do that.

I was totally ready to need meds after delivering my son. I'd been on anti-depressants for years and figured I'd need them post-partum. It turned out that I did not - but we keep a vigil eye on my mood, just ready to request them once again if I show any signs of needing their help.

You are brave! You are a WONDERFUL mama!

kkasun said...

I'm glad you are getting help.

PPD is SOOOOO hard, you want to be happy and sometimes you are, but the slightest thing could set me off.

Crying non stop and not feeling that connection to your baby is sooo hard.

I hope they kick in quickly!

J o s e y said...

UGH, I'm sorry I didn't comment on this immediately, but I was on my phone and didn't get back to it. I just wanted to say that you should NOT feel bad about this. It's not that you aren't appreciating your gift of a baby - it's a chemical imbalance, and it's OKAY to get help. Hang in there honey!!! Thinking of you. You are a wonderful Mom BECAUSE you are getting help to be the best Mommy you can be. ((HUGS))

Good Timing said...

Just wanted to leave a note saying I'm thinking of you and that I respect your realness and honest. It isn't all roses and sunshine and unicorns! If you are feeling like you need help, that's the first step my friend. Maybe some counseling in conjunction with the meds will help too? You're a great mom to Sam, she's lucky to have you!! xoxo

ADSchill said...

I hope you can find a way out of this place. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You do what you need to do to feel better. And hopefully Sam will feel better soon too.

Kristen said...

Awwww hun, I just saw this! I know you have been having a hard time and I want you to know I have been praying for you! I think it is a great idea to look into antidepressants. Post partum depression is a very real and common thing, so don't go beating yourself up over this! This too, shall pass. But in the meantime, you are doing all the right things. I love you and I hope this all passes quickly. Remember, i am always here for venting/listening! xoxoxoxo

ajaeger said...

I so remember the feeling!! My Son had horrible colic as everyone called it, I just called it pain and screaming! After 2 months of souring the Internet we finally found some great websites to help. Here are just a few of them-
http://www.pollywogbaby.com/refluxandcolic/silent-reflux-infant.html
http://www.reflux.org/reflux/webdoc01.nsf/(vwWebPage)/Home.htm?OpenDocument
http://infantrefluxdisease.com/forums/index.php?s=848059a4a3015973ec87b05e5b9146ff
Your little one sounds just like my son honestly. We finally found relief with Prevacid disolvable tablets that he took half in the morning and half at night. Then we got him on Neocate formula with a teaspoon of Cereal for each oz of formula. We started that finally at 2 months old and it made the WORLD of difference! We finally went to a Peds GI doctor and she suggested that. If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to email, I know what you are going through. People always say it's just colic, calm down, relax but until you are in that situation, they have no idea of the stress or concern we go through!!