It's midnight here and Samantha was just up to eat and snuggle. Christmas in Washington was playing on the TV. A choir was singing O Holy Night. And I just about lost it.
As I sat near our lit Christmas tree, holding my sleepy baby girl, just me and her, I look down at her and can't stop the tears. The choir on TV singing O Holy Night, triggered a very sad memory for me...
It was 2009, we had just miscarried about two weeks before Christmas. I was devastated. We went to the late Christmas Eve service at my church and I cried through the whole service. Especially, when the church choir sang O Holy Night. I was so heartbroken at this time. I didn't understand why this happened to us. Little did we know, the struggle and heartbreak would last a few more years.
So, as I held my sweet beautiful baby tonight and listened to O Holy Night, I cried. Not sad tears but grateful tears. Grateful for it all. Grateful for the beautiful and most perfect gift that is our Princess. Grateful to God for choosing us to be her parents.
I know my posts have been lacking lately in the inspiration and encouragement department for those of you still in the struggle. I promise I have not forgotten you nor have I forgotten my own struggle and this blog community that carried me through. I guess what I just wanted to say was....
Hang in there. Keep going. Keep the faith. It will happen. Maybe not when you want or how you thought it would happen...but it will happen....
You'll look back on this moment someday and realize how did I possibly survive it all? And you will be me. Holding a sweet baby a few days before Christmas and your tears will no longer be sad tears...
Merry Christmas, blog friends.
I love ya.
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3 comments:
I had this moment just two days ago. We miscarried 6 days before Christmas 3 years ago...it's amazing to see how different our life has become. The pain is there when I really think about it, but it is so dull compared to our immense blessings and joy. And I think about all the families grieving this Christmas (not just CT, but ones we hold dear here in AZ, 2 agents lost in the past couple of months with babies 1 and 3 years old, each of them) and I just count my blessings. My whole family with me, healthy and happy. That's all that matters.
Losing a pregnancy any time of year is always hard but it seems that around the holidays it is especially so.
Awww friend. I have had many of those moments this Christmas season myself... So completely bittersweet. You had me in tears with this post! It's so true though...you never forget the pain and it makes you that much MORE grateful. Love you and that sweet baby girl of yours... xoxo
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