The Irony

Warning: This is a bit of a "Debbie Downer" post...


This week has not been a good week. This day has not been a good day. I'm really starting to wonder when things are going to turn around. I feel like when I try to think positive and take a step forward, I get knocked back. Again and again. Somebody, please. Make. It. Stop.

AF showed up almost a week and half late. I was waiting (somewhat) patiently for her to arrive, so that we could get this hopeful Femara cycle going. I ordered the meds, with money we don't have, I made sure everything was in order so that when the time came, we would be ready. I've got the Femara pills and crinone in my purple "med box" just chilling out, waiting to be opened. I've got the two ovidrel injections (literally) chilling in my fridge, next to half a watermelon.

I got sick this week. Started off as a cold, and then turned into a bronchitis (says the urgent care doc). He didn't do an xray but said if it gets any worse to go to the ER. Thankfully, I've managed to stay out of the ER, but I'm still feeling pretty lousy. I have asthma and when I'm sick it's just out of control. Even my neb treatments weren't helping. So now I'm on an antibiotic and oral steroids.

Yesterday, my car broke down at work. Wouldn't turn over. Luckily, my honey was just getting out of work so he came over to try and jump it. But no luck. The battery was completely done. So, Matt ran around like crazy looking for the right battery for my car and at around 5pm it was all fixed! We just kind of laughed about it because things like that always happen to us at the most inopportune time. We are lucky in love, but not so lucky with other things! So that afternoon was hectic, but the car is fixed, $120 later. Matt's car broke down last week too. Brakes completely gave out.

Today, I had my first monitoring appointment to start the Femara cycle. I was really, really excited about it too. Not necessarily for the "wanding" or bloodwork, but just for the "Go" flag to be waved. My mom came with me for support, since Matt had to work. The first thing the nurse asked me was, " Have you ever had any cysts?" and I replied quickly and confidently, " Nope!" Never in the two plus years that I've been "wanded" have they found any cysts. And I felt really lucky about that. Then the nurse strangled my arm with the rubber thingie and took some blood. Then came the internal ultrasound, (which another IF blogger calls "wanding" and I think it's funny) she then asked "Do you want to see?" I said yes, and she turned the monitor towards me. I then realized this is the first time I actually looked at a monitor. When we were pregnant and getting an ultrasound at the OB's office, I was so nervous that they weren't going to find anything, that I couldn't even look. And then the night of the miscarriage at the hospital, I couldn't look either because I didn't want to face the fact of seeing an empty uterus. She then pointed out my right ovary..the empty uterus..and the cyst. The WHAT??? The cyst. On my left ovary. I immediately knew what the outcome of the visit was going to be, and felt the tears coming. The nurse, handed me tissues and I tried not to look at my mom because I knew I would lose it. There would not be a Femara cycle this month. There would be no one waving the "Go" flag. She said the cyst could have made my period late and that by taking a low dose birth control it will get rid of the cyst. So instead of taking Femara, I am on birth control for the month. Oh, the irony.

Needless to say, I am pretty sad about this. I know it's just a month more of waiting, but a month to an IF girl, feels like an eternity. I'm going to try and smile and keep going and think positive. But I just feel so defeated. Everyone has been really great and supportive, but there's a certain kind of pain that we feel, that we try to keep to ourselves. Trying to keep the "crazy" to a minimum, ya know.

I think it just stings too, because I'm on BIRTH CONTROL. Even though it will help this cyst go away, it's still preventing the one thing we really want. To ease the pain a bit, Matt and I went and got ice cream. Nothing a hug from my honey and vanilla soft serve with rainbow sprinkles can't help...

So, that is where we are at. Looks like nothing until late June/early July now. Might as well be next year :(

I know everything will be ok and I know we are on the right path. And that is comforting. I just wish, it was a little easier for us. We deserve for it to just be...a little easier...

Onto happier news, my stepbro and his wife had their baby girl on Monday! Rory Evangeline Adams. She is such a pretty little peanut! And we are all excited about the new addition to the family! I haven't met her yet though, because I got so sick this week. Hope we can give her a cousin to play with in the near future :)

I hope everyone enjoys the long weekend. It couldn't have come at a better time...

Cyst? Go away please. You are not welcome, 'round these parts....

**After I published this post, Kristin over at "Fertile Ramblings" (another blog) posted this quote. I love it and wanted to share it on my blog as well**

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" - Laura Bush

I assaulted a pregnancy test box.

Well, here I am again, back in what I'd like to call "Cycle Hell." I think (Yes, "think") AF was due a few days ago. My cycle is always all over the place though, sometimes 28 days sometimes 30+. So, I'm never really sure EXACTLY when it might make an appearance. I haven't been on the pill for years, and what I loved about the pill was you knew EXACTLY when it was coming. Like clockwork. Just pop that different colored pill and hello! There she was. This cycle has been a little bit evil. I'm getting all sorts of what could be preggo symptoms. I tested on Saturday and that's when the assault on the pregnancy test box occurred. I guess I just had this hope that we would miraculously be pregnant and would not have to start this Femara cycle at all. But once again, negative. I then did something I haven't done before. I was so frustrated and sad that I ripped the box into little pieces. It felt great. I mean, it felt really great...

So, I am currently in limbo, aka Cycle Hell. Just waiting for AF to arrive, so that we can start Femara. Plus, my hormones are raging. I'm bloated, I'm emotional, I have constant cramps, nausea, and starving all the time. Like eat my own arm, starving. And the nausea is a new member to my AF club these past few months. I get these waves a nausea where I literally have to brace myself for a possible barfing. Basically, I've been such a treat lately.

We got some crappy news last week that I can't get on Matt's insurance until September when we're married. This was such a bummer to hear. Just when we see the RE finally and now we will probably have to wait to really get going with things. If this Femara cycle doesn't work, that is. We just can't afford these treatments on my insurance. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be cheap. But with my insurance we would be drowning in medical bills, and that's something we just can't do right now.With his, pretty much everyting is covered except IVF. So we have high hopes for this next cycle! I have decided that when I take that first Femara pill, I'm going to start talking and thinking positively. Almost to the point of craziness. I am going to start acting and talking like I'm pregnant. I know it's worked for some of you other IF bloggers out there, so hey, I'm gonna give it a shot :) Better than being sad and neurotic.

Good news from this past week, is that I was able to get my Femara prescription for FREE. Yes, you read that right...FREE:) The mom of a little girl in my class (who I've mentioned in previous posts) let me know about this online coupon for a free Femara trial. Just go to www.femara.com and print out the Femara trial form. Just have your doctor sign it and give you a prescription. I was so happy about this!! My Ovidrel shots are coming on Tuesday, those cost me around $88.00 from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. Thankfully, I already had progesterone suppositories left over from "before" so I didn't have to purchase those, as well. All we are waiting for now is AF! Where the hell are you, girl.

Yesterday, Matt and I made a spontaneous trip down to Citi Field for the Mets/Yankees game. We had so much fun! And it was both our first time at the new stadium. It was a blast and we didn't get home until 3am. Mets won!!! Woo-hoo! :) We needed this little "break" getaway, with all the wedding stuff and baby blues. I'm so glad we went!!

Yesterday was great, but today has been a bit rough. Part of me is suffering from evil pms but also I'm extra sad thinking about the miscarriage again. My stepbrother and his wife are, as I type this, having their baby girl!! :) I'm so excited for them but at the same time, I just can't get away from the thought of how just a few months from now we would have been having our baby :( My eyes sting from crying and my fiancee is the most loving and supportive man. Ever. He has been amazing today.

Before we left for the game yesterday, we were getting all of our Mets gear together and my mind and heart kept going back to the "baby box" in the closet. Because I knew in there, beside the ultrasound picture, was the tiniest baby Mets hat. A little part of me actually just wanted to put it in my purse and bring it with us. I didn't though. Today, through my tears, Matt said he can't wait to coach our kids little league someday and how I'm going to be the best mom ever and that we're gonna be such a tight knit family. I think my heart swelled up to three times it's size while he was talking of our future. Our future with our kids...

Another week is upon us. I'll keep you updated with AF's fashionably late arrival, news of my new little "niece", and hopefully I'll get around to putting up a Femara cycle ticker and new TTC timeline.

So much to do, so little motivation, energy and time :)

I'm sorry pregnancy test box, for the unecessary violence. It wasn't your fault that there was only one stupid line. I hope you are resting peacefully in neggo-preggo- test heaven with all the others...

REally well...

Today was our first RE appointment! It went pretty well. We spent a short time there at the center, back in April for the open house, but this experience was so different. I guess I was just taking it in more, because we were there for an actual appointment for us...

The lobby itself is gorgeous and they even had a keurig machine, which Matt was happy about. Upstairs, they also have a wellness spa. I love this place already. It's just so peaceful and...hopeful. Right before we left for the appointment, Matt had to get a SA (semen analysis) together. We've been laughing about this all week. Something that has to be done, but just funny all around. He was a champ though and did what he had to do. I even joked with him that, in comparison to what my body has gone through and what my body will go through still, a SA is NOTHING :) We were hysterical laughing, when we almost left the house without the sample and Matt said " Don't forget the kids!" :) He was pulling the manly card though, joking that his "boys" were great. And it turns out, they are!! Dr. G even joked that he could sell them on ebay. haha. I really like Dr. G. He seems like a really smart guy, and took his time explaining all of our options and listening to what we had to say. Ahhhh, so refreshing. I finally feel like I'm in good hands. Even the nurses were awesome, very helpful and supportive. What I also like about this place is that we feel like they are really looking out for us, money wise. We ran into some insurance issues today, when we realized my insurance has a high end deductible. Which basically means my insurance SUCKS. How can I work for a hospital and they have sucky coverage with outrageous policies. I hate the healthcare system. So many of us are getting robbed. My visit today for the consult is going to cost us $300 out of our pockets. My insurance does cover some stuff, but basically until we reach $800 dollars in bills, then my insurance will cover the rest..with us still paying 20%. We aren't rich. We live paycheck to paycheck and we just can't afford what my insurance is asking of us. So, we are in the process of getting me on Matt's insurance, which is a much better plan. Higher co-pays, but everything else is covered! So I'm praying that the insurance company doesn't give us trouble with that. Originally, I was going to have bloodwork and an ultrasound done at the office today, but the nurse recommended waiting until I could get on Matt's insurance, to save us a ton of money. Dr. G did give us a script for Femara. So once AF shows up, it's on-your-mark-get-set-GO :)

I finally feel like I'm in the hands of people that get it and I can't even explain how good that feels. We are moving forward. I actually didn't even cry today at the office. There was a box of tissues in front of me too, and I thought that might encourage me to have another "in office" breakdown. But I didn't. Maybe that's a good sign. They gave me a gift bag when I left, that contained a pretty journal. On the cover of the journal it says, " Listen to your heart. Once you find the beat, you will always walk in tune..." In the bag, was also the book "Love and Infertility" by Kristen Magnacca. I'm excited to start reading it. Also in the bag, were two free spa treatment giftcards, for the spa there! Have I told you I love this place already?

I know it could still be a long road, even in the hands of the right people. But I am so so hopeful. Our plan as of now, is to take Femara with this cycle, hope for best, and then if that doesn't work, meds combined with an IUI mid-summer. I'm going to be setting up a ticker on my blog for the Femara cycle as well as a past/present TTC timeline.

When we were at the RE's office today, I felt this instant connection with all the other women and couples that we're coming in and out. A sad, but bonding connection. Just like the other IF girls in the blog community, we share this common thread...a sad and challenging one...but we share it. And we work through it. And we support each other. I wanted to just give the girls in the office a hug. But I didn't want to be a creep-o :) Naturally, I also wondered where they were at with their journey and how far they've come.

The mother of a little girl in my class and I got talking the other day. She noticed my ring and we got talking about weddings, etc. She then asked if I had kids and I just opened up to her about everything. I knew she was a fertility nurse at another clinic, so I had been anxious to ask some advice. She was super nice and we talked for awhile. She also gave me some helpful advice and said that if I ever had any questions or if I wanted her to look over my chart, she would be happy too. How nice! :)

I'm looking forward to just vegging tonight. I'm exhausted for some reason. I think today took a lot of me. So we are going to order pizza and wings and watch the GLEE episode that we dvr'd...

So that's the latest, blog world, our first RE appointment went REally well :)

Making Me Mom.

I borrowed this post title from Hillary over at the blog "Making Me Mom" (who btw, is in the middle of her second IVF, prayers please!). I just thought it was such an appropriate title, for my second blog post in like a month! I know, I know. Shame on me. How could I let something that was helping me so much, get pushed aside to the "I don't have time" file. But it continued to sit in that pile all week, collecting dust...collecting thoughts...

As you read from my last post, I haven't been feeling all that great. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I mean, I'm not a hot mess or anything, just kind of blah in the sense that, things still hurt. And I'm just trying to cope and focus on the good things/people around me. A good friend of mine lost her father in a tragic accident this past week. I am so sad for her and her family, and I wish I could just take the pain away and bring her father back to her. But I can't. I wish it was that easy. That we could just wish for something and it happened. It would be lovely to have one of those scary fortune teller machines, like from the movie "Big." How great would it be to have a machine that spits out a ticket and grants your wish. Bring my friend's father back- Your wish is granted. Bring our baby back-Your wish is granted. You get the idea...

My friend "L" found out she is having a baby boy this week! Very exciting! Especially, because she already has a beautiful little girl. So amidst the stressful week and sad news of my friend's father, this baby news brought a much needed smile.

Today is Mother's Day. I'm not as sad as I thought I might be. Last night, my honey brought me home roses as a little "Mother's Day" gift. Actually, a little " You would have been a mother-to-be, and I know you might be sad, but I love you" gift. He's the best. Today, I spent time with family. Hanging out with a great mother, aunt and grandmother. My Aunt Janie is a faithful reader of this blog, and she said she is bored. haha. I haven't been writing much lately. So, Aunt Janie, this one is for you :) This morning I texted my friend "S" and said "Happy Freakin' Mothers Day." This is sort of a joke between us, because she's dealing with similar issues. And she texted me back, saying " At least we have great mothers." She is right. Focus on the good. Focus on the positive things we do have in our lives...

I'm going to try my best, blog world, to start posting again on a regular basis. This Friday is our FIRST ever RE appointment. I am hoping and praying that this clinic is THE one. I really need some compassionate and talented doctors to pull me out of the IF nightmare. I'm also going to start a TTC (trying to conceive) timeline on this blog. I had one on my old blog, but obviously a lot has changed since then! This will just help me and my readers know where we are at with treatment.

I hope you all had a beautiful Mother's Day! I know a lot of you IF bloggers received good news this week, congratulations!!! :) I was really tempted to pee on a stick today (thinking there might be some Mother's Day magic) but I decided against it. Just don't think I have it in me, to deal with possible disappointment. I am hopeful that next Mother's Day, will be one I will never forget...

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you. My mother...my friend...
xoxo