I assaulted a pregnancy test box.

Well, here I am again, back in what I'd like to call "Cycle Hell." I think (Yes, "think") AF was due a few days ago. My cycle is always all over the place though, sometimes 28 days sometimes 30+. So, I'm never really sure EXACTLY when it might make an appearance. I haven't been on the pill for years, and what I loved about the pill was you knew EXACTLY when it was coming. Like clockwork. Just pop that different colored pill and hello! There she was. This cycle has been a little bit evil. I'm getting all sorts of what could be preggo symptoms. I tested on Saturday and that's when the assault on the pregnancy test box occurred. I guess I just had this hope that we would miraculously be pregnant and would not have to start this Femara cycle at all. But once again, negative. I then did something I haven't done before. I was so frustrated and sad that I ripped the box into little pieces. It felt great. I mean, it felt really great...

So, I am currently in limbo, aka Cycle Hell. Just waiting for AF to arrive, so that we can start Femara. Plus, my hormones are raging. I'm bloated, I'm emotional, I have constant cramps, nausea, and starving all the time. Like eat my own arm, starving. And the nausea is a new member to my AF club these past few months. I get these waves a nausea where I literally have to brace myself for a possible barfing. Basically, I've been such a treat lately.

We got some crappy news last week that I can't get on Matt's insurance until September when we're married. This was such a bummer to hear. Just when we see the RE finally and now we will probably have to wait to really get going with things. If this Femara cycle doesn't work, that is. We just can't afford these treatments on my insurance. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be cheap. But with my insurance we would be drowning in medical bills, and that's something we just can't do right now.With his, pretty much everyting is covered except IVF. So we have high hopes for this next cycle! I have decided that when I take that first Femara pill, I'm going to start talking and thinking positively. Almost to the point of craziness. I am going to start acting and talking like I'm pregnant. I know it's worked for some of you other IF bloggers out there, so hey, I'm gonna give it a shot :) Better than being sad and neurotic.

Good news from this past week, is that I was able to get my Femara prescription for FREE. Yes, you read that right...FREE:) The mom of a little girl in my class (who I've mentioned in previous posts) let me know about this online coupon for a free Femara trial. Just go to www.femara.com and print out the Femara trial form. Just have your doctor sign it and give you a prescription. I was so happy about this!! My Ovidrel shots are coming on Tuesday, those cost me around $88.00 from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. Thankfully, I already had progesterone suppositories left over from "before" so I didn't have to purchase those, as well. All we are waiting for now is AF! Where the hell are you, girl.

Yesterday, Matt and I made a spontaneous trip down to Citi Field for the Mets/Yankees game. We had so much fun! And it was both our first time at the new stadium. It was a blast and we didn't get home until 3am. Mets won!!! Woo-hoo! :) We needed this little "break" getaway, with all the wedding stuff and baby blues. I'm so glad we went!!

Yesterday was great, but today has been a bit rough. Part of me is suffering from evil pms but also I'm extra sad thinking about the miscarriage again. My stepbrother and his wife are, as I type this, having their baby girl!! :) I'm so excited for them but at the same time, I just can't get away from the thought of how just a few months from now we would have been having our baby :( My eyes sting from crying and my fiancee is the most loving and supportive man. Ever. He has been amazing today.

Before we left for the game yesterday, we were getting all of our Mets gear together and my mind and heart kept going back to the "baby box" in the closet. Because I knew in there, beside the ultrasound picture, was the tiniest baby Mets hat. A little part of me actually just wanted to put it in my purse and bring it with us. I didn't though. Today, through my tears, Matt said he can't wait to coach our kids little league someday and how I'm going to be the best mom ever and that we're gonna be such a tight knit family. I think my heart swelled up to three times it's size while he was talking of our future. Our future with our kids...

Another week is upon us. I'll keep you updated with AF's fashionably late arrival, news of my new little "niece", and hopefully I'll get around to putting up a Femara cycle ticker and new TTC timeline.

So much to do, so little motivation, energy and time :)

I'm sorry pregnancy test box, for the unecessary violence. It wasn't your fault that there was only one stupid line. I hope you are resting peacefully in neggo-preggo- test heaven with all the others...