The Irony

Warning: This is a bit of a "Debbie Downer" post...


This week has not been a good week. This day has not been a good day. I'm really starting to wonder when things are going to turn around. I feel like when I try to think positive and take a step forward, I get knocked back. Again and again. Somebody, please. Make. It. Stop.

AF showed up almost a week and half late. I was waiting (somewhat) patiently for her to arrive, so that we could get this hopeful Femara cycle going. I ordered the meds, with money we don't have, I made sure everything was in order so that when the time came, we would be ready. I've got the Femara pills and crinone in my purple "med box" just chilling out, waiting to be opened. I've got the two ovidrel injections (literally) chilling in my fridge, next to half a watermelon.

I got sick this week. Started off as a cold, and then turned into a bronchitis (says the urgent care doc). He didn't do an xray but said if it gets any worse to go to the ER. Thankfully, I've managed to stay out of the ER, but I'm still feeling pretty lousy. I have asthma and when I'm sick it's just out of control. Even my neb treatments weren't helping. So now I'm on an antibiotic and oral steroids.

Yesterday, my car broke down at work. Wouldn't turn over. Luckily, my honey was just getting out of work so he came over to try and jump it. But no luck. The battery was completely done. So, Matt ran around like crazy looking for the right battery for my car and at around 5pm it was all fixed! We just kind of laughed about it because things like that always happen to us at the most inopportune time. We are lucky in love, but not so lucky with other things! So that afternoon was hectic, but the car is fixed, $120 later. Matt's car broke down last week too. Brakes completely gave out.

Today, I had my first monitoring appointment to start the Femara cycle. I was really, really excited about it too. Not necessarily for the "wanding" or bloodwork, but just for the "Go" flag to be waved. My mom came with me for support, since Matt had to work. The first thing the nurse asked me was, " Have you ever had any cysts?" and I replied quickly and confidently, " Nope!" Never in the two plus years that I've been "wanded" have they found any cysts. And I felt really lucky about that. Then the nurse strangled my arm with the rubber thingie and took some blood. Then came the internal ultrasound, (which another IF blogger calls "wanding" and I think it's funny) she then asked "Do you want to see?" I said yes, and she turned the monitor towards me. I then realized this is the first time I actually looked at a monitor. When we were pregnant and getting an ultrasound at the OB's office, I was so nervous that they weren't going to find anything, that I couldn't even look. And then the night of the miscarriage at the hospital, I couldn't look either because I didn't want to face the fact of seeing an empty uterus. She then pointed out my right ovary..the empty uterus..and the cyst. The WHAT??? The cyst. On my left ovary. I immediately knew what the outcome of the visit was going to be, and felt the tears coming. The nurse, handed me tissues and I tried not to look at my mom because I knew I would lose it. There would not be a Femara cycle this month. There would be no one waving the "Go" flag. She said the cyst could have made my period late and that by taking a low dose birth control it will get rid of the cyst. So instead of taking Femara, I am on birth control for the month. Oh, the irony.

Needless to say, I am pretty sad about this. I know it's just a month more of waiting, but a month to an IF girl, feels like an eternity. I'm going to try and smile and keep going and think positive. But I just feel so defeated. Everyone has been really great and supportive, but there's a certain kind of pain that we feel, that we try to keep to ourselves. Trying to keep the "crazy" to a minimum, ya know.

I think it just stings too, because I'm on BIRTH CONTROL. Even though it will help this cyst go away, it's still preventing the one thing we really want. To ease the pain a bit, Matt and I went and got ice cream. Nothing a hug from my honey and vanilla soft serve with rainbow sprinkles can't help...

So, that is where we are at. Looks like nothing until late June/early July now. Might as well be next year :(

I know everything will be ok and I know we are on the right path. And that is comforting. I just wish, it was a little easier for us. We deserve for it to just be...a little easier...

Onto happier news, my stepbro and his wife had their baby girl on Monday! Rory Evangeline Adams. She is such a pretty little peanut! And we are all excited about the new addition to the family! I haven't met her yet though, because I got so sick this week. Hope we can give her a cousin to play with in the near future :)

I hope everyone enjoys the long weekend. It couldn't have come at a better time...

Cyst? Go away please. You are not welcome, 'round these parts....

**After I published this post, Kristin over at "Fertile Ramblings" (another blog) posted this quote. I love it and wanted to share it on my blog as well**

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" - Laura Bush