Last night I had my final dress fitting. And thank you, Jesus, it zipped up! Lots of back and arm fat spillage, but it zipped up and I absolutely love it. I'm so focused on other things this "time around." Of course I want to look beautiful on our big day, but it's really different this time. I know I found the love of my life, and everything else regarding the wedding seems so small in comparison. I'm not obsessing about my weight, or the perfect this or that. I'm just simply content, happy and in love. For example, my mom and I have been looking for a necklace to go with my gown. I already bought earrings and a bracelet, but we were still searching for the perfect necklace. Then my mom came across a necklace of my Aunt Roselyn's (Aunt "Rhodie" we called her) and I immediately knew that was what I wanted to wear. No, it doesn't match the earrings and bracelet perfectly, but I was so close to my Aunt Rhodie and to have her there with me when I get married, just even in a necklace, means more to me than I can describe.
My Aunt Janie and Nana are up visiting my parents and my aunt came with us to the dress fitting. It was a nice evening and we went to the Cheesecake Factory after the fitting. I've being trying not to focus on the "lack-of-baby" situation, but yesterday it kind of poked me letting me know that "Hey. It still is what it is, girl." Earlier in the day at work, I overheard one of the parents next door announcing that she was pregnant with twins. Her little boy is in the class next door, and I just felt so jealous that she already had this cute little boy and now they we're expecting twins! And then our waitress at the restaurant was pregnant and rubbing her belly while she read off the specials. I always feel this sad/jealous feeling when I hear of baby announcements or see pregnant people , but then I'm quick to stop myself because there is NO WAY I would wish infertility on anyone! So my sad/jealous feelings, are usually washed away and replaced with happiness for the person. So many of my fellow IF blogger friends just received great news and/or had their babies!!!! :) Congrats to you all and it's giving me HOPE!!!! :) Sometimes I feel left behind, like a "When is it my turn?" kind of feeling...but I know our time will come...again...
I just want to have a child. For us to have children. I want to be a mom. I look at people with children, and wonder if they know how lucky they are. I guess I'm just feeling a bit sad, to think we may never have them or be able to afford IVF or adoption for that matter. I just wish I knew that everything was going to be ok. A crystal ball, a genie in a bottle, a "Back to the Future" moment would be great right now...
There's so much that is still unwritten.
Now that my pity party is over, WEDDING IN 8 DAYS! :)
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3 comments:
Eeek 8 days until your wedding that's so exciting! I'm glad you found the perfect necklace. :)
YEEEEAAAAAHHHH! The big day is alomst here! How exciting!
I love the idea about the necklace. Thos centimental things are way more meanigful than anything you can buy in a store.
I love how you said it didn't matter how you looked (though I'm sure you were beautiful!) and that it was all about doing things right--about focusing on what is important. I think that's a tough lesson for people to learn. It's wonderful that you have gotten there!
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