If you are looking for an uplifting post to read, this isn't it. Not tonight anyways. I feel so lost this month. And it makes me angry because I used to love December, I used to LOVE Christmas. This month, this week actually was so significant last year. It was when we found out we we're pregnant and miscarried all in the same week. Yesterday I was looking at the calendar at work and Dec 9th kept catching my eye and at first it didn't click. Decemember 6th we got the greatest surprise ever, December 12th we miscarried. And I then I remembered what December 9th was. I had an emergency appt at the OB because I started spotting the night before. We drove to the OB's office in a really bad snow storm. But everything checked out fine and we left there feeling so grateful that everything was ok. It was such a rollercoaster of emotion, to go from thinking the worst to being told everything was fine! And a few days later, things were not even close to fine...
It's just a tough month. We are really stressed about money. And I'm really sad that I can't buy many Christmas gifts this year. I always loved Christmas shopping. And I feel like there is no progress in the "getting pregnant" dept. We aren't doing any meds this month, and the way money is right now, we might not be able to next month either. I'm depressed about it. I feel like I'm letting these cycles slip away. And almost everyone around me is pregnant. It's really hard to have to this "lost and no end in sight" feeling.
Told ya this wasn't a happy post :)
A little light in all this, is we got to send out our pretty xmas cards this week. I really like how they turned out. We put some wedding pictures on them. I never did a photo card before. But I was really happy with them...
I guess I just can't see the big picture...
A year has gone by. Three years of my life I've been suffering from infertility. I just don't have much left in me. And I know all of you other bloggers know this, but the holidays are SO HARD :( So hard...
I am very blessed in other ways, though. Don't think I walk around miserable all the time. I'm just really done with all this heartache. It's crushing me. And I'm tired of saying " Yes, Im ok" when really I'm not.
Now that I'm done venting, I think I'll go force myself to watch a Christmas movie.
I just want my Decembers back.
In other words, I just want my life back. And the little life I had growing in me...
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3 comments:
Oh hun, I found your blog through The Road Less Traveled. I just wanted to stop by and offer my support. I suffered 3 years of infertility as well, and lost my second baby last year the week of Christmas. I had to have a D&C on December 23, so I know what it's like to wish the holidays away, year after year. But, I am also living proof that A LOT can change in a year. We adopted our beautiful son in August and are pregnant with our daughter (a surprise pregnancy, after all those meds and IUIs didn't work!) who is due February 16. Miracles can and DO happen, just not usually on our timeline. Hang in there, hun... I promise, this all will pass... I just wish it would pass NOW for you!
((hugs)) Feeling down with you today.
I wish you had your baby in your arms today.
xoxo
(And, yes, you can feel free to quote my blog post)
I too would love a "pass" for this season. Or some kind of sign or badge to wear warning people of the hormonal monster that has taken over my body.
This new normal isn't as bright and shiny.
I like bright and shiny. Hugs to you.
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