Halloween Happiness

Samantha's first Halloween!!! Exciting stuff. Although, we didn't do trick or treating, just stopped at my in laws. Next year we will take her out! Today is also my brother's birthday!!! Sam must have been pretty excited about Halloween, because she was up for the day at 3:15 am. Yup, you read that right. I almost cried. She just didn't seem to want to go back down after she ate and I tried everything! But she was smiling and talking and screaming away, I just knew she thought it was rise and shine time. No, sweet girl it wasn't haha But thankfully after awhile, I put her in her swing and turned on her elmo video and I layed on the couch. Eventually she went back out for a bit and I got a short nap in. But I praying history doesn't repeat itself tonight!! Poor girl, I know her teeth are really bothering her lately. She has the two front bottom ones in and this one k-9 tooth (we call it the snaggletooth, haha) that's up on top. It looks so funny. She should have been a Vampire for Halloween :) 

Pretty little ladybug

Matching accessories..bow matches bag...it's a girl thing...

Best trick or treat bag ever! Nana bought it for her off Etsy.

"Hmmm if they won't let me eat any candy, I'm going to eat this  bag."

Little bugger

The pajamas she wore last night :)

Shoe Baby!

Mommy's Little Witch

Boo!

Happy witch!

Tired witch....

Witch be chillin'

Witch way to the candy stash? Anyone know?

Sahmantha

SAHM..."Stay-at-home-Mom"

My friend Carlia over at nest building 101 did a post the other day on what she has learned from being a SAHM. As having been a (temporary...still job searching!) SAHM myself for the last 7 months, I could relate...

The top 5 things I have learned from being a SAHM (or just becoming a Mom in general!):

1. It's hard. And some days are really hard. Not every day is sunshine and roses. These are the days when I am exhausted from very little sleep, or she's being super fussy, or I'm stressing about money or even sometimes missing adult interaction. I would seriously like to punch in the face anyone who thinks  SAHM's just sit around and watch TV or that they "have it easy." No matter how much you love your child, everyone needs a little break. And SAHM's don't get them. They are on top of things 24/7.
2. Even though financially it has been tough with me being home, it has also been a blessing. To not have missed any moments with my sweet girl who I waited and wished for, has been nothing short of amazing! I love being with her! Each smile or laugh I get from her, erases one tough moment. It crushes my heart to think about her being in daycare and being away from her everyday, but unfortunately we can't afford to do that right now. So the job search has been in full swing. 
3. I have had to learned that my house is going to be messy. And that's that. Not "dirty" but just a little messy. I used to keep this place spotless and so organized and after awhile of trying to keep that up with a little one, I  realized  it's just not going to happen! And that's okay. I usually set one goal a day. Like "Clean off the dining room table today, tomorrow mop the floor." 
4. My body. I am in full frump mode. You know it's bad when your yoga pants (which haven't see any yoga, ever.) are starting to get holes in them. My body is a mess, my hair is a mess and my wardrobe in a mess. Saturday I am getting my hair cut and colored (something different and I'm nervous) and soon I want to get back on WW. I try to give myself a break because I know my body has been through hell in the past  few years. From IF meds, surgery, IVF, a rough pregnancy and a c-section! If my body could talk it was say "Leaveee me alone!!" But I need to start making time for myself and taking care of ME. My point is that I've learned that my body will probably never be the same. But I just want to get healthy.
5. I've learned that it is possible to do pretty much anything one handed. I'm surprised I'm not super skinny from just all the contortionist type moves I do on a daily basis, with Sam in one arm and multi-tasking with the other! 

I had taken Sam to an appointment a few weeks ago and the guy at the desk who was doing our paperwork asked me a few questions. One of them was "Do you work outside the home?" I LOVED the way this guy worded this, instead of "Do you work?" Women who are at home with their kids work just as hard as women who work outside of the home. Bottom line, we women are rock stars. We seriously kick ass at all we do. Whether your kid is in daycare or your kid is at home with you, we all deserve a round of applause. Seriously :) 

I saw this in the November issue of Real Simple magazine and loved it!

"$112,962....the yearly salary a 2012 stay-at-home Mom would earn (that is, if she were paid), as determined by the career-advice website Salary.com. The income was calculated by combining the average wages, plus overtime, for the jobs as a Mom typically performs, including laundress, janitor, driver, cook, facilities manager, psychologist, and CEO (of the household). The results also showed that the average stay-at-home Mom works a grueling 94.7-hour week and would make an average of $22.94 an hour."

Babe in a Box and her Baptism Invite...

I peed on a stick

Yes I did....

"Why" you ask? Did I think I was pregnant or something? Well, no not really. But I just had to rule it out.

For the past few weeks I have been SUPER exhausted, SUPER hungry and SUPER emotional. Seriously, barely can keep my eyes open, a bottom-less pit of a stomach and crying over anything that is even slightly tear provoking. Something happy or sad on TV? Sobbing. Looking at my sweet girl's face? Sobbing. So, even though it wasn't really possible that I could be pregnant, because of logistics, I just had to make sure! I bought a cheap dollar store test and there I was peeing on a stick again...

Of course, it was negative. I was not surprised at all. I really only took the test in case of the 1/% freak chance I was pregnant and would need to stop drinking the massive amounts of pumpkin coffee and Mtn Dew I've been inhaling drinking. A girl's gotta stay awake, ya know. Napping while your 7 month old is awake is extremely frowned upon.

The point of this post is that the negative test? It still hurt. I am forever haunted by the many sticks I peed on that always turned up negative. Except, the two sticks (that I still have somewhere...don't judge) that were positive. The first one from 2009 with the baby we lost and Samantha's test. Which I ran to the bathroom and took after the clinic called with the good news! I just HAD to see "Pregnant" on the stick.

All those sad feelings from struggling with infertility came flooding back. It was like they never left. Even when I have my miracle girl! It still hurts.

Now, let me just say that we are NOT ready for another child. Do we eventually want one more? Yes please! :) However, we want to wait awhile before jumping back into it. I'm still not healed yet emotionally from all the chaos of Sam's birth. The rough pregnancy with alllll the scares! The premature birth! My poor girl struggling in the NICU. And my body is not ready. The doctor told us that mother's of preemie's should wait 18 months before trying again to let everything heal properly. Body and mind.  And I really want to lose a ton of weight and get healthy before we have another baby. Plus, our financial situation is the greatest right now. I am still job searching.

Would we do our best and welcome another baby before we are ready if somehow that happened? Of course. But really, we are just not ready at all.

Still, that negative test made me sad for just a moment. It was a strange feeling. Knowing that we are not ready but yet would welcome a brother or sister for Samantha. What I've learned is that life happens when you are busy making other plans. It's really not up to us. We do have four embryos frozen and that's a topic for a whole different post!

And this is so random, but my friend J sent me a FB message this morning saying she had a dream about me last night that I was pregnant again!! Crazy! I then told her how that was so weird because I just took a test this past weekend.

So, when will infertility not hurt? Even after I've had a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in these feelings.

I guess it's just plain old hormones making me feel like this the past few weeks! And AF should be arriving soon.

I think I'll steer clear of buying pregnancy tests from here on out. They just make me sad! The process of it. Buying them, taking the test, and seeing a negative. Maybe sometime next year will we seriously start trying for baby #2.

Infertility is a life long struggle. Even post baby.

Lesson learned.

I Love You a Bushel and a Peck

You know the song, right? Samantha's Nana sings this to her a lot :) Seemed like the perfect title for a picture post of baby girl's very first apple picking adventure! I don't think Samantha was a fan of how cold it was that day! Ohhh my sweet girl, wait till winter hits!!!

My pretty girl wearing the fleece and hat E from Manymanymoons gave her! 

Can I get this in the form of a sauce, please? Thanks.

A pumpkin amongst pumpkins. She looks so big here! Please make it stop.

The "Big Apple"

Mommy's loves photo editing sites.

I think I'll take this one...

Me and my girl

Filling up our 1/2 bushel bag and Daddy was calling the big apples we'd find "lunkers."

Apple pie that Mommy and Daddy worked on together. Yes, it took two of us....

Peanut Princess picked a punkin.' Say that 5 times fast...

Hangin' with Daddy. Literally.

"I'll take this one, Mom" 

Daddy and his princess

Oh my Apples!

7 months!!!

Hi!

I'm back and another month older! Can you believe it? I know, I know. The Mommies and Daddies blink and us babies get bigger and bigger and bigger. Although, I'm still in the "peanut" category :) It's been a great month! Mommy and Daddy say that I'm becoming this "little person." I've been much happier in general (still not a fan of the car though!) but overall life is pretty sweet right now. I've been practicing sitting up on my own. Phewww, it's a lot of work people. I almosssttt have it and any time my parents try and hold me (horizontal) I use all my muscles and sit myself up! I can go about ten seconds unassisted but then I do a face plant. Well, Momma catches me before that happens. It usually goes something like this in my head...

"Ohhh yes! I'm sitting up! I'm sitting up! I've got this!" (slowly tipping over)

"Whoooa...whooooaaa...going down...oh no! (Momma catches me)

"Phew! Thanks Mom, that was close!"

I'll get there. I know I'm gonna be a champ at walking! I love to stand up with my strong little legs! And lately I have started putting one foot in front of the other. The rents think I'm a genius when I do this.

I have a boyfriend. His name is Elmo. This guy makes me smile so big! I am going to marry Elmo someday.

Here is a current list of my likes and dislikes...

Likes
-Pears, carrots, peaches and sweet potatoes! Those are my favorite jar foods so far.
-I'm drinking 3-6 oz of Prosobee (soy) formula about every 3 hours. And I eat jar foods twice a day!
-I love being carried around in my "back(chest)pack." I love to face out and my Dad loves carrying me around in it!
-As I mentioned earlier, ELMO. Sesame Street is general is pretty cool. Whenever Elmo comes on I kick my feet really fast with excitement!
-I love being outside.
-And I love hearing my own voice! Screeching is fun!
-I love to pick up toys, bat at toys, and put toys in my mouth! It's great.
-Bath time! Or as I like to call it "Spa" time. I think once I can sit up on my own it will be even more fun to splash in the water!
-Whenever I'm really tired I put a hand over my face. This cute little move makes hearts melt.
-My Dad does this funny thing with his voice. He says (in a high squeaky voice) "Did you go pee-pees??" And I smile and giggle like crazy! It's just so funny. He's a riot.
-I love rocking and cuddling with Mom in the rocking chair before bed. Sometimes she sings or reads to me. I like this gal. She's always there for me.
-I recently started liking a lovie to cuddle with. Daddy gets freaked out that I'm going to cover my face with it, but mommy keeps a good eye on me and plus I just like the feel of something soft on my cheek when I'm trying to sleep or sad.
-Peek a boo! Have you heard of this little game?? It's awesome. You should try it.
-Still in size 2 diapers! Might have to move to 3 soon!
-Wearing a variety of sizes! Still fit in Newborn/Size 1 shoes. Clothes (depending on brand) can go anywhere from 3 months to 6-9 months! I'm all over the chart. And of course, all my pants are super long. Just like my Momma :) Hats. I'm running out of hats! My head is huge I tell ya!!!
Dislikes
-Car rides. Still not fun. I think it's just I don't like being strapped down to something. I like to be FREEEEE!
-Naps. Getting better with naps but most of the time I still nap like a cat.
-My sleep schedule was pretty good for awhile, but something's up with me because lately I've been way off! I think Mommy is trying this cry it out thing but I'm not all that crazy about it.
-My sore gums :( It's happening. I am teething.
-Strangers. Stranger anxiety seemed to be in full effect. But as of the last few days, I'm becoming a bit of a social butterfly. I'm learning not (everyone) is scary :) Some people are and smell funny too. But most people are friendly and say sweet things about me.

Check out the candy corn photo shoot....

And guess where we are going today? Apple and pumpkin picking! My first time! I am so excited :) What a great way to celebrate 7 months. You think they'll let me eat a cider donut? Yeah, probably not. Bummer.

See ya next month!
~Samantha
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Count with me...

Last week I was browsing Facebook and I saw a post from a guy I went to HS with. We weren't really friends back then as he was a few years ahead. But we became friendly last year through mutual friends. We all had something very special in common. We all struggled with infertility, we all eventually became pregnant through IVF and all of our babies were premature. When they had their triplets (a boy and two girls) we were only a few weeks pregnant. One month into their stay in the NICU, one of their precious girls passed away. I remember feeling so completely heartbroken for them. The other day they celebrated the twin's 1st birthday and he had posted pictures on FB of the party. I found myself looking through the photos with tears just streaming down my face. He wore a t-shirt that said "Daddy's Angel" over a picture of their sweet baby girl that passed. It was a picture of her soooo tiny in the NICU, hooked up to machines and wires. I found myself sobbing for two reasons...

One being I was SO sad for them. What a huge huge loss. It's just imaginable. His cover photo on FB is of his son and daughter in carseats sitting on each side of baby girl's headstone. It's one of the sweetest and saddest things I've ever laid eyes on. And two, I was crying because I was just so very thankful that Samantha made it out of the NICU okay. I will admit that every single night (on my "cry" ride home) horrible thoughts would go through my head. My husband and I hated hearing our phone ring, as we were terrified that it would be the NICU telling us the unthinkable. Daily, I had visions of getting a "bad" call like that. That was an extremely anxiety filled month. But I just thank God, that she grew strong and healthy and made it home to us. At a month old their baby passed away. At a month old our baby got to come home. In the blink of an eye, the roles could have been reversed. I just find myself counting all my blessings lately and being so very thankful to have this beautiful little girl in our lives...

And it doesn't help that I've been extra emotional lately! Seriously, I cry over every little thing. Whether it's something sappy on TV or just looking at Samantha and seeing her smile. I'm a big pile of mush. Things have been challenging lately, as her sleep patterns are way off. I've received lots of great advice and hopefully soon things will turn around. For months, she was going to bed around 7pm, waking up between 1-3 for a bottle and diaper change and then would go right back down. And she would sleep till about 7am, sometimes a little later. But nowwww, oh things are different. She still goes down around 7. But gets up about every 2-3 hours. The first time she gets up I usually just cuddle her a bit, and she goes back down. But then is up about and hour later. I'm okay with the CIO method, but I'm a little weary of it because since she was a preemie, she doesn't eat as much as a full term 7 mth old would. She takes between 3-6oz. We've tried offering more food and some teething relief, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. So I'm worried about letting her cry it out all the time, because if she doesn't take much food she could truly be hungry. But like now, for example, she's "crying it out" as I type this. I have one eye on the laptop monitor and one on the baby monitor. I just fed her, changed her and cuddled her and put her down. She fell back asleep for about 10 minutes and started crying. So I am TRYING like hell to let her CIO. But this shit is hard :(

Her ultrasounds went okay on Tuesday. The brain bleed she had in the NICU has resolved on it's own, thank God! The hemangioma on her neck is too big and deep for the regular u/s probe to get a good look so she will need an MRI at some point :( The hemangioma on her liver the doctor there couldn't decipher if it was still there (?) which was weird I thought. So they are passing it on to her ped to look at. Still on schedule with going to see the specialist in Boston in November.

I cannot believe she is going to be 7 months old on Monday! We are taking her apple picking for the first time! This is one of those things I dreamt about doing when we had a baby :)

Ok, so CIO attempt #1 didn't go so well. I let her cry for about ten minutes and then went in there and stood where she couldn't see me. But then the sound of her cries became sooo sad that I just had to pick her up! And we cuddled and rocked for a bit. I layed her back down awake and now she's just hanging out in there tossing and turning and talking to herself. Oh boy, this is gonna be tough....

Coffee donations welcome...

 ps-Don't forget to count all of your blessings...xo