"Why" you ask? Did I think I was pregnant or something? Well, no not really. But I just had to rule it out.
For the past few weeks I have been SUPER exhausted, SUPER hungry and SUPER emotional. Seriously, barely can keep my eyes open, a bottom-less pit of a stomach and crying over anything that is even slightly tear provoking. Something happy or sad on TV? Sobbing. Looking at my sweet girl's face? Sobbing. So, even though it wasn't really possible that I could be pregnant, because of logistics, I just had to make sure! I bought a cheap dollar store test and there I was peeing on a stick again...
Of course, it was negative. I was not surprised at all. I really only took the test in case of the 1/% freak chance I was pregnant and would need to stop drinking the massive amounts of pumpkin coffee and Mtn Dew I've been
The point of this post is that the negative test? It still hurt. I am forever haunted by the many sticks I peed on that always turned up negative. Except, the two sticks (that I still have somewhere...don't judge) that were positive. The first one from 2009 with the baby we lost and Samantha's test. Which I ran to the bathroom and took after the clinic called with the good news! I just HAD to see "Pregnant" on the stick.
All those sad feelings from struggling with infertility came flooding back. It was like they never left. Even when I have my miracle girl! It still hurts.
Now, let me just say that we are NOT ready for another child. Do we eventually want one more? Yes please! :) However, we want to wait awhile before jumping back into it. I'm still not healed yet emotionally from all the chaos of Sam's birth. The rough pregnancy with alllll the scares! The premature birth! My poor girl struggling in the NICU. And my body is not ready. The doctor told us that mother's of preemie's should wait 18 months before trying again to let everything heal properly. Body and mind. And I really want to lose a ton of weight and get healthy before we have another baby. Plus, our financial situation is the greatest right now. I am still job searching.
Would we do our best and welcome another baby before we are ready if somehow that happened? Of course. But really, we are just not ready at all.
Still, that negative test made me sad for just a moment. It was a strange feeling. Knowing that we are not ready but yet would welcome a brother or sister for Samantha. What I've learned is that life happens when you are busy making other plans. It's really not up to us. We do have four embryos frozen and that's a topic for a whole different post!
And this is so random, but my friend J sent me a FB message this morning saying she had a dream about me last night that I was pregnant again!! Crazy! I then told her how that was so weird because I just took a test this past weekend.
So, when will infertility not hurt? Even after I've had a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in these feelings.
I guess it's just plain old hormones making me feel like this the past few weeks! And AF should be arriving soon.
I think I'll steer clear of buying pregnancy tests from here on out. They just make me sad! The process of it. Buying them, taking the test, and seeing a negative. Maybe sometime next year will we seriously start trying for baby #2.
Infertility is a life long struggle. Even post baby.