Thursday, October 11, 2012

I peed on a stick

Yes I did....

"Why" you ask? Did I think I was pregnant or something? Well, no not really. But I just had to rule it out.

For the past few weeks I have been SUPER exhausted, SUPER hungry and SUPER emotional. Seriously, barely can keep my eyes open, a bottom-less pit of a stomach and crying over anything that is even slightly tear provoking. Something happy or sad on TV? Sobbing. Looking at my sweet girl's face? Sobbing. So, even though it wasn't really possible that I could be pregnant, because of logistics, I just had to make sure! I bought a cheap dollar store test and there I was peeing on a stick again...

Of course, it was negative. I was not surprised at all. I really only took the test in case of the 1/% freak chance I was pregnant and would need to stop drinking the massive amounts of pumpkin coffee and Mtn Dew I've been inhaling drinking. A girl's gotta stay awake, ya know. Napping while your 7 month old is awake is extremely frowned upon.

The point of this post is that the negative test? It still hurt. I am forever haunted by the many sticks I peed on that always turned up negative. Except, the two sticks (that I still have somewhere...don't judge) that were positive. The first one from 2009 with the baby we lost and Samantha's test. Which I ran to the bathroom and took after the clinic called with the good news! I just HAD to see "Pregnant" on the stick.

All those sad feelings from struggling with infertility came flooding back. It was like they never left. Even when I have my miracle girl! It still hurts.

Now, let me just say that we are NOT ready for another child. Do we eventually want one more? Yes please! :) However, we want to wait awhile before jumping back into it. I'm still not healed yet emotionally from all the chaos of Sam's birth. The rough pregnancy with alllll the scares! The premature birth! My poor girl struggling in the NICU. And my body is not ready. The doctor told us that mother's of preemie's should wait 18 months before trying again to let everything heal properly. Body and mind.  And I really want to lose a ton of weight and get healthy before we have another baby. Plus, our financial situation is the greatest right now. I am still job searching.

Would we do our best and welcome another baby before we are ready if somehow that happened? Of course. But really, we are just not ready at all.

Still, that negative test made me sad for just a moment. It was a strange feeling. Knowing that we are not ready but yet would welcome a brother or sister for Samantha. What I've learned is that life happens when you are busy making other plans. It's really not up to us. We do have four embryos frozen and that's a topic for a whole different post!

And this is so random, but my friend J sent me a FB message this morning saying she had a dream about me last night that I was pregnant again!! Crazy! I then told her how that was so weird because I just took a test this past weekend.

So, when will infertility not hurt? Even after I've had a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in these feelings.

I guess it's just plain old hormones making me feel like this the past few weeks! And AF should be arriving soon.

I think I'll steer clear of buying pregnancy tests from here on out. They just make me sad! The process of it. Buying them, taking the test, and seeing a negative. Maybe sometime next year will we seriously start trying for baby #2.

Infertility is a life long struggle. Even post baby.

Lesson learned.


Good Timing said...

I could have written this post my friend. I did the exact same thing with the exact same result last month! I felt just as you's a bizarre thing, isn't it?

Chon said...

Yes yes and yes. I totally understand x

Erica said...

I SOOOOO know what you are feeling. Even with being able to parent the Twins who are now 4 yrs old (gasp!!) it still hurts. A! LOT! I too have had those moments of where i "knew" it was going to be a BFN but too it anyways just to sit there in tears ( and AF show up the next day or so). Does it ever get any easier? I dont think so. I could be that we have experienced loss before and after the Twins as well as me deeply wanting to TTC again. But like you there are other factors that are in play as to this not being the best time. As much as I know that there is very little to no chance of us getting a BFP without IVF there is still the glimmer of hope that keeps me POAS for that <3% chance we get our "natural miracle"BFP.

Amy said...

I know exactly what you mean! My little man will be 2 next week. He was conceived with IVF #1. I have 9 frozen embies. I just finished my BC and we are going to try naturally the next 3 months. My husband really wants us to try for a natural BFP. I can already feel my anxiety starting up. I know we have a plan and that does help. But, just preparing my emotions for this again is so hard!

J o s e y said...

Ugh, I hear ya. I'm petrified to get my period back and have to start thinking about this again - I'm afraid of that downward emotional spiral. My Mom said "but it won't be as bad this time - you have Stella" ... but I dunno... those emotional scars go deep. I want a sibling for Stella, but I'm so afraid of the BFNs.

Melanie said...

Hi, I don't know you but I saw your Blog link on my friend, Jill's, blog and the title "I peed on a stick" caught my interest, lol.

I used to go thru something similar; except I didn't get to the "stick" part....I would be so disappointed every month when I got my period. My husband and I tried for a baby for about 4 years and finally gave up. I figured if God wanted us to have kids, He would allow it. I am now almost 35 and I run a daycare in my home and those kids are like "my kids" and I thank God for that.

And though part of me accepted that I will never (probably) have children of my own, there is still that sad part of me every month when I don't miss :(

Thanks for posting. It's nice that other people understand.

Rebecca said...

An unexpected surprise would have been nice. I'm with you on the negative test; I got my BFN today too.

Kayla said...

I can't imagine how much it still stings to see a negative, even though you have a beautiful little girl.

Infertility is something that will never escape us infertiles. :(

Jenny said...

I've taken several hpts since Abbey was born. It is so difficult to explain the feelings. It will never go away I guess. It sucks.

Samantha said...

Sarah... Completely unrelated to your post (I'm sorry that your IF feelings/anxieties have been reopened)... I just wanted to let you know my brother was born on Hallowen too. Funny coincidence!