Wow.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to crawl into a hole and stay there?

That's how I feel right now. And I'll apologize in advance, for the "downer" post, but I just need to vent.

My day was going fine and then I left work to go to my GI appt and it all went down hill from there. Since I'm not really feeling up to writing an interesting post about how all this went down, I'm just going to list (in order) the events of the afternoon...

-Left work at 3 to go to my GI dr's appt. Didn't get seen until 4:25. The doctor was totally creepy and I am going to get a new GI dr VERY soon.
-I tell him about my Lialda issues and how it doesn't really help, so he tells me to stop taking it and he's going to put me on a stomach spasm med. I get upset because we just spent $50 on the lialda.
-I then tell him about my new thyroid issues and he looks concerned and stares at his laptop for about 10 min. Then he tells me he's concerned I have Celiac Disease. And that he wants me to have more bloodwork.
-I go get the bloodwork but no one sent an order over for it, so I wait forever for them to find it. The lab technician seems nuts. She then has me sign a form for genetic testing. And then proceeds to stab me with a needle, worst blood draw Ive ever had.
-Leave the GI dr's office and realized he never gave me a new script for the new stomach med. Freakin great.
-Realize there are three voicemail messages on my phone.
-One from my fertility clinic. One from the medical company that was supposed to be shipping my trigger shot. And one from a hospital in Hawaii.
-Apparently, the trigger shot I ordered earlier in the day didnt go through. I guess my insurance only covered it one time, so we would have to pay $110 or try to get it through somewhere else. Which I'm in the process of doing.
-The message from the fertility clinic said that we have a balance of over $1200 that needs to be paid before my appt on Friday. WTF. This is the insurance company's fault. That $1200 is covered, there was a just a gliche and things to be be readjusted. So my hubby called the insurance company and they are going to see what they can do. But I have a feeling, something will go wrong and the 5 days of Clomid I just took will go to waste. Very sad.

And here's the kicker...

The message from the hospital in Hawaii went something like this " Hi Sarah (fill in Ex's last name) this is Heather from Tripler Army Medical Center, please call me as soon as possible." UMMMMM WHAT?! For those of you who are confused. I was married before. He and I lived in Hawaii and he was military. So immediately I thought, "Hmm maybe my ex went back there, got injured and I'm still on his contact info?" I really was confused. So I called back. And this is how it went...

Me: "Hi I received a message earlier from Heather, I'm not really sure what it's about."

Nurse: "Oh yes, I'm Heather and what was your name again?"

Me: "Well, my last name has changed but it was Sarah (Fill in Ex's last name)."

Nurse: (in an excited voice) " Oh yes, hi! I was calling about the IVF list here, your name is one of the next one's on the list! Are you still interested??!!"

(Lil' info about this "IVF" list. When I first started my infertility journey, it was there in Hawaii. I was told I should get on the IVF list, because it could take YEARS to get a call. The military offers VERY reduced or close to free IVF cycles if you are picked from this list. And here we are years later, and my name is picked.)

Me: (stunned) "Wow...ummm my husband and I divorced and I am no longer military or living in Hawaii."

Nurse: (sad voice) "Oh Im so sorry...so I guess I'll just take you off the list then."

Me: (dying inside) "Ok, thank you."

Funny how life works. My name gets picked off a list for IVF, but from a chapter of my life that doesn't exist anymore. I wouldn't change a thing. I love my husband and I love our life together. We'll get our baby...

* I may be MIA from blog world until early next week :( We are moving, and I might not have internet for a few days*

Don't be jealous...

The most fabulous pill box EVER :) Thanks to my friend Cori at work! She surprised me with it today with a note attached that said "Be well with a smile." And she "bedazzled" it herself! ha! I love it!

It's so perfect, in all it's glittery glory! :)

It's like a party for a pill box.

be IN

I AM INfertile...

But I am so much more "IN" than that...

I’ve been tested. I’ve been probed. I’ve been injected. I’ve missed work for appointments. I’ve researched. I’ve asked questions. I’ve worried. I’ve made phone calls. I’ve prioritized...

I AM INcessant...

I’ve gone to baby showers. I’ve smiled at other‘s “big news“. I’ve purchased baby gifts. I’ve babysat. I’ve missed chances. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost embryos. I’ve lost babies...

I AM INdestructible...

I might be a mother. I might not be a mother. I might come to terms. I might never quit. I will survive...

I AM INvincible...

I am INfertile. I am INcessant. I am INdestructible. I am INvincible. I am IN.

*Found this beIN badge (which I LOVE) over at the blog Bottoms Off and on the Table. Go ahead~get one too :)*

We had a busy weekend. And I'm starting to come to terms with the new thyroid issue I was presented with on Friday. Maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe this thyroid medication will really help in getting us pregnant! So I'm trying to look at it as a blessing in disguise :) Although, I'm a little miffed (yes, miffed) at my RE's office. The nurse said the thyroid issue wasn't a big deal at all in terms of fertility, but that it plays a big part in fetal brain development. Well, according to "Dr. Google" she is WRONGGGG. From what I've been reading, it can play a HUGE part in a woman's ability to conceive and carry out a healthy pregnancy. So, I think I may ask to speak with the Dr next Friday. Or possibly meet with a separate endocrinologist.

Saturday night we went to a nice 30th birthday party for one of our friends. They put together this slide show w/ music of pictures of him. It was so sweet! And made me a little sad because as I was looking at all his cute baby pictures and pictures of him throughout his childhood, I thought " Will we ever have pictures like this? Will we have a child to take pictures of and watch grow up? Will we ever go to t-ball games?" It scared me, the thought of possibly never having that. I also had almost two glasses of wine, and that was a huge mistake. I think combined with all the meds I am taking right now, it made me almost zombie-like. We left a little early and when we got home I was asleep within ten minutes. Note to self: Avoid alcohol while you're a walking pharmacy.

So tonight while we were watching the Superbowl at my Dad's, I stuck with soda. No wine. It's kind of sad though, one of the things that help numb the pain of infertility I can't really have anymore. Sad but true. Not that I really drink a lot anyways, but still. I think one glass would have been ok, but the second glass of wine the bartender gave me at the birthday party, was like a GIANT sundae cup. It was huge. Like a small fish bowl or something.

Very busy week ahead! And we are moving next weekend. Yikes :) We are excited to get out of here though and start new in a less expensive place! Friday was one month since our dog, Nole, died. Tonight as we were driving home from my Dad's we saw someone in our neighborhood with reflective gear on. It was the one nice neighbor down the street, who showed any sympathy towards us that night Nole died. He was walking his Golden Retriever (looks exactly like Nole, but a little older). Between the dark and the headlights, I caught a glimpse of his dog's face. And my heart skipped a beat. I miss Nole so much. I try not to think about it or dwell on it, but there's a huge piece of my heart missing with him gone...

Say what?

I am beyond exhausted right now. And I have so many things I want to blog about, but all my thoughts are swirling around in circles. So, please forgive me BFF's (Blog Friends Forever). See? I guess I'm teetering on delirious now too, since I'm making up weird acronyms. :)

First up, love is needed. For my blog friend BreLynne over at Zero to Baby. She and her husband just learned that their second beta didn't rise :( She's such a sweet girl and I'm so sad for them. So if you have a second, please stop by her blog and show her some love :)

I was up at 4:10 this morning. I had an RE appt at 7:45. I know what your thinking. " It takes you 3 hours to get ready??!!" Well, no not really. But kind of. On RE appt days, I get up really early. Mainly, because I'm really nervous. And also I don't like to rush getting ready on these appt days, so I get up before hubby and get myself presentable. And then once I'm ready, I just relax for a little bit or get on blogger to see if anything exciting has happened in the four hours I have separated myself from it :) It's funny because I've had a bazillion of these appts, so you'd think I wouldn't be so nervous. But I think it's the anxiety of it all. You never know what they are going to tell you. Nurse: "Ohhhh look at that, there's a high school marching band chilling with your ovaries." Seriously, I've come to expect the "ridiculous." :)

I arrive at the RE's office and I immediately feel like a dog who pees on the floor when they get nervous :) Luckily, I did not actually pee on the floor. Now, in my defense, I think my anxiety was a little extra high today because we have been on a break for two months. I hadn't been there in awhile and I needed to dip my feet back in the prayin' for pregnancy pool. Turns out everything looked fine. No cysts! Which I was surprised about. I got one of my least fav nurses today, so that kind of sucked but it was fine. I'm starting on 150 mg of Clomid tonight and will follow with trigger and IUI in the next few weeks. I was just glad I could try something. If this cycle fails, then our plan is to save for our second injectible cycle for March.

I was pleased with the appointment. The nurse also said that my colitis meds were ok to take, so that was good news. Although, as I am learning (and according to the Lialda side effect sheet) it can sometimes worsen symptoms. And I think that's whats happening. I have a GI appt next week and I need to find out if he can switch me to something else or if I should keep going with Lialda...

I went about the rest of my work day and at my lunch break I checked my phone. We can't have our cells in the classroom, so I can only check my phone at certain times during the day. I saw there was a voicemail from the RE's office. Any time I see that I have a voicemail from them, I kind of start freaking the F out. Because normally, they only call to leave a message when you are expecting beta results. And we all know there are only two outcomes. Confused, anxious and thinking the craziest thoughts, I listen to the voicemail. And I have to admit my crazy thought was," Maybe I actually AM pregnant! Maybe this is my miracle moment!" Not so much...

It was the nurse. She said that they were a little concerned because my thyroid levels were elevated and that she needed a pharmacy number to call in a drug for me. Say what? You mean there's something ELSE wrong with me and I have to take MORE meds?! Ugh. They have me on Levothyroxine. And I have to go back next Friday for blood work and ultrasound. I was relieved that I don't have to go in EVERY OTHER DAY like last time while on injectibles. I'll get a little rest from it all. And it will give our wallets a rest. I called back to speak with the nurse and I asked if thyroid issues interfere with ovulation and conception and she said "no." But I want to research that, because for some reason I feel like she's very wrong. She said the reason they were concerned is because thyroid issues cause problems for fetal brain development. Great. Now, my baby might be dumb. :) Nah, I'm just being dramatic. But it was hard to get this news today, because frankly, we don't need anymore bad news. I'll eat pills forever, if that means we will soon have a healthy baby in our arms. Hubby joked that he's going to have to get me one of those giant day-by-day pill reminder box things :) Maybe a bedazzled one or something...

I'm going to close this post with something I'm going to try and do every Friday. And I'm going to call it "Fun Fact Friday." I noticed with all the recent blog awards in the blog-awesome community, people really liked learning fun little facts about each other. So, if you are feelin' it, please pass this "Fun Fact Friday" along :)

3 Fun Facts about me:

1) When I was younger, I was obsessed with the movie Annie. So much so, that my best childhood friend and I sat in front of the tv one day and wrote out the movie, line for line. We were planning on bringing Annie: The Musical to life on my back deck with all the neighborhood kids. That didn't happen. But we did have the whole (hand written) Annie script as a keepsake :) We must have had a lot of time on our hands...

2) I HAVE to drink orange juice every morning. It's like, my thing. I put a lot of effort into making sure we never run out of it. But I'm kind of an OJ snob. It used to always have to be Tropicana No Pulp. But just recently, I've learned that Price Chopper (local grocery store) No Pulp with calcium, is just as good. Any other OJ brands, taste like Windex.

3) When I was in fourth grade, I had a snack milk disaster. It's funny the memories that stay with you. It was back in the day where we each had our own desks, with all of our things inside it. Those were so cool btw. Well, I remember putting a half full carton of chocolate milk in my desk after snack. Why I felt the need to hoard my milk? I'm not sure. But it turned out to be a disaster. So when weeks went by and a really funky smell was filling the classroom and my teacher was frantically trying to find the source, I kept quiet. I was really shy and quiet back then, and I think I was embarrassed to say that I had forgotten about the milk or something. And who wants to raise their hand and say "Why yes teacher, it's the stank milk that's rotting in my desk." It was awful. I was so embarrassed that I cried. I let a milk mole hill grow into a milk mountain. A lesson for life. :)

Overachiever

Two posts today. Does that make me an overachiever? Brings me back to a Bart Simpson t-shirt I had when I was like nine or ten that read " Underachiever and proud of it, man." Or something like that. All I have to say about me (owning) and wearing that t-shirt is "WHY?." :)

I forgot to mention something earlier this week that my mom had told me. I don't believe in coincidences. I think all things happen for a reason. Well, last Saturday I blogged about finding the perfect frame for my old ultrasound picture. For those of you who read that post, you know what I'm talking about. Well, my mom called me last Saturday night after reading my blog and said " Oh you are not going to believe this." Turns out, she went to a baby shower that Saturday. The same day I found the frame. She said that she bought the EXACT same frame for the baby shower. She said she had gotten a gift certificate, but wanted to give a little gift too and she got the exact same one! I was blown away. And I think there was definitely some cosmic/higher power that made us both find and choose that frame. Soooo weird. :)

That's it. Just wanted to share :)

Oh, hello snow.

And hello, AF! Today is Day 45 and I think AF is arriving. Not sure yet. But I have some light spotting on and off, so that's a good sign. At least something is happening. I'm still going to keep my appointment for Friday with the RE. I'm not feeling very well so I am very thankful for this snow day. We are moving in a week and we have no idea how we are going to get our brand new grill out from under the 3ft of icy snow. Moving in the middle of winter, kinda sucks. But it'll be ok. We can't wait to get out of this money pit. And our neighbors kind of suck. Not one of them came out from their houses the night the dog died (except for one nice man wayyyy down the street). And we know they were home and heard me screaming at the top of my lungs. Hubby was out shoveling this morning and the guy across the street came out and made a sarcastic comment like " We've never had this much snow in this neighborhood until you guys moved in." And hubby answered back in an even more sarcastic tone, " Well you're in luck, we're moving in a week." Assholes. I hate rude people.

My mom called this morning and she got talking about whether or not it's okay to be pregnant on Lialda. And even though she didn't mean it to, this put me in an automatic sad mood. I don't need one more thing holding me back from having a baby. I've researched it a bit and Lialda is category B with pregnancy. Which means it's not ideal, but not horrible either. And I hate arguing with my mom about it. It put me in a sad mood, and she's my best friend. I hate fighting with best friends. :( So, I'm going to ask the RE on Friday what they think about the drug. Antibiotics are category B. So Im guessing this drug will be ok to take. Hopefully.

My husband was my hero yesterday. He came to my work and cleaned off my car and dug it out of the snow for me. And then he made french toast for dinner. I am so thankful that I have one of the good ones :)

I'm pretty sure AF is going to appear with a vengeance. I'm starting to get cramps that feel like a gremilin is trying to escape my stomach. Ouchhh.

Well, back to enjoying my snow day on the couch. It's been so lovely :)

Pity Party...Table for Two...

Day 43. And still nothing. I called the RE today and set up an appointment for Friday. They are going to do blood work and an ultrasound.

I got a call from my GI doctor with the results of my colonoscopy. And it turns out I have inmflammatory colitis :( I have to take this drug called Lialda, twice a day. I have a follow up appt with them next week and hopefully I will find out a few things. Like if I'll have to take this medicine forever? Or why is it that my meds cost $50!!! :( It may not sound like a lot to some people, but for us it is. I was so sad tonight about this whole thing because, that's another 50 bucks a month that we could be putting towards another injectible cycle or IVF, for that matter. I guess at least I am getting treated for this issue now, but it's just a real bummer.

I think I have the stomach bug. It's going around my work like a tornado and we only had two kids in our class today! They are all wiped out with the bug.

The snowstorm from hell is on its way.

And as I was typing this I had an asthma attack and had to use my puffer like 4 times. Which hasn't happened in a long time. Last year I was using my neb machine about twice a day. Been better this year. But the attack I had just now, sucked. Felt like an elephant was on my chest. I took my first Lialda pill tonight, and it's probably some crazy rare side effect I'm experiencing. I had hubby running to the side effect sheet to see if I was dying....

We are just in the dumps tonight. Sometimes we feel like we can't catch a break. We know things will start looking up, but it's really hard right now. Thank God for my husband though, who keeps me going...

I'm sorry for the downer post tonight :(

I need to get my positive energy back!

Tomorrow is a new day...