Sunday, February 6, 2011

be IN

be IN
I AM INfertile...

But I am so much more "IN" than that...

I’ve been tested. I’ve been probed. I’ve been injected. I’ve missed work for appointments. I’ve researched. I’ve asked questions. I’ve worried. I’ve made phone calls. I’ve prioritized...

I AM INcessant...

I’ve gone to baby showers. I’ve smiled at other‘s “big news“. I’ve purchased baby gifts. I’ve babysat. I’ve missed chances. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost embryos. I’ve lost babies...

I AM INdestructible...

I might be a mother. I might not be a mother. I might come to terms. I might never quit. I will survive...

I AM INvincible...

I am INfertile. I am INcessant. I am INdestructible. I am INvincible. I am IN.

*Found this beIN badge (which I LOVE) over at the blog Bottoms Off and on the Table. Go ahead~get one too :)*

We had a busy weekend. And I'm starting to come to terms with the new thyroid issue I was presented with on Friday. Maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe this thyroid medication will really help in getting us pregnant! So I'm trying to look at it as a blessing in disguise :) Although, I'm a little miffed (yes, miffed) at my RE's office. The nurse said the thyroid issue wasn't a big deal at all in terms of fertility, but that it plays a big part in fetal brain development. Well, according to "Dr. Google" she is WRONGGGG. From what I've been reading, it can play a HUGE part in a woman's ability to conceive and carry out a healthy pregnancy. So, I think I may ask to speak with the Dr next Friday. Or possibly meet with a separate endocrinologist.

Saturday night we went to a nice 30th birthday party for one of our friends. They put together this slide show w/ music of pictures of him. It was so sweet! And made me a little sad because as I was looking at all his cute baby pictures and pictures of him throughout his childhood, I thought " Will we ever have pictures like this? Will we have a child to take pictures of and watch grow up? Will we ever go to t-ball games?" It scared me, the thought of possibly never having that. I also had almost two glasses of wine, and that was a huge mistake. I think combined with all the meds I am taking right now, it made me almost zombie-like. We left a little early and when we got home I was asleep within ten minutes. Note to self: Avoid alcohol while you're a walking pharmacy.

So tonight while we were watching the Superbowl at my Dad's, I stuck with soda. No wine. It's kind of sad though, one of the things that help numb the pain of infertility I can't really have anymore. Sad but true. Not that I really drink a lot anyways, but still. I think one glass would have been ok, but the second glass of wine the bartender gave me at the birthday party, was like a GIANT sundae cup. It was huge. Like a small fish bowl or something.

Very busy week ahead! And we are moving next weekend. Yikes :) We are excited to get out of here though and start new in a less expensive place! Friday was one month since our dog, Nole, died. Tonight as we were driving home from my Dad's we saw someone in our neighborhood with reflective gear on. It was the one nice neighbor down the street, who showed any sympathy towards us that night Nole died. He was walking his Golden Retriever (looks exactly like Nole, but a little older). Between the dark and the headlights, I caught a glimpse of his dog's face. And my heart skipped a beat. I miss Nole so much. I try not to think about it or dwell on it, but there's a huge piece of my heart missing with him gone...

3 comments:

Faith said...

I totally understand about your sweet dog...not sure if you saw my post in november when we had to put King down, but it was, and still is, devastating. I still talk to him in my head, the house isn't the same without him.

As for all the other stuff...through my years of IF, I NEVER once wondered if I would be a mom. I wondered when, how and how much pain I would have to suffer, but....There was NO way in h*ll that I was going to give up, not on something that important. Some how, some way, I was going to be a mom. I hope you can find that resolve and that strength, too. Never give up...and never wonder. Just know in your heart you WILL make it happen...the rest comes when it is time...

oh, and yes, the thyroid issues are HUGE in infertility. If you see the blog roll on my page, Barbie at Pray, Hope Don't Worry is an expert on that stuff. I would suggest you visit her blog, email her and tell her I sent you:). Email me if you have trouble doing that. Good luck!!

Amanda said...

I hope this new medication helps you, and turns out to be the missing piece!

Ya, watch out for wine...it makes me weepy. One glass and I'm fine, but too makes me sad :(

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. They are absolutely members of the family, and in my opinion, when they die, it causes just as much pain. I hope moving will bring you some peace, and offer a fresh start.

Moe said...

awwwwwwww...... I'm sure it's so hard to be missing your doggy so much. :( I feel so terrible for you guys.

I'm glad to hear that you might have an answer with the thyroid issue. I would be ticked if some nurse told me "oh that's no biggie" and it actually was. Bah.

Praying for you girlie. Good luck with that move!!!