Miserable.

It's gotta be the hormones. And the injection disaster that occurred last night...

I'm just not feeling good today. Really tired, moody, bloated, crampy, weak...

Last night before dinner, my husband gave me my shot. He's gotten pretty good at it and it's just part of our nightly routine now. Well, last night sucked. The shot HURT LIKE HELL. It felt like someone was stabbing me with a sereded knife.Normally it hurts a little, but nothing I cant get through. But last night was awful and it included lots of tears and a bit of freaking out on both our parts. Right after he did the injection I started bleeding and my skin started to bubble around the injection site!!!! Sometimes I bleed so that was normal, but the bubbling and pain was NOT. And then it was quickly turning black and blue amongst all the bumps. My husband was like "What the hell is happening??" And I was thinking the same. So we called my mom whos a nurse and she told me to call the on-call nurse at the clinic. So I did and she said it doesnt sound like something to be really worried about. That it's probably just a localized reaction from the shot but if I get any hives anywhere else to take benadryl. And she told me to ice it. Which I did. But it's still pretty sore. And today the bruise is black. Not black and blue. Just black. Looks awful! Anyone else have the bubbling and bruising??

During the night I was having mild cramping and all day today. In a way I'm glad I have cramping because that could mean the eggs are growing, but I'm not going to lie and say that it doesn't freak me out too. I'm scared I have OHSS :( I called the on-call nurse again and she said that as long as I'm not in pain then not to worry. But if I'm doubled over in pain I should be worried. I wanted to know if I should even go ahead with tonight's shot because I am terrified it will put my ovaries over the edge and ruin everything! But she said cramping is ok as long as its not pain and to go ahead with the shot. I hope we don't have a repeat of last night :(

Just didn't feel good at all today. I'm sure it's a combination of everything, but I really hope tomorrow's appt goes well. Of course, all I can think about is that something is wrong now!!Because of the painful injection and cramping. But I have to try and be positive. And trust me, I'm trying really hard...

At the beginning of the weekend, I was so happy Friday's appt went well. And now I'm just scared as to what they are going to find tomorrow :(

Chances

I've been asked by quite a few people what are "chances are" with this IVF. And the only answer I really have to give them is that we have just that, a chance...

My crazy hormones got me again today as I was waiting in line at Barnes & Noble. A display of quote magnets caught my eye, and one in particular gave me instant goosebumps and made tears spring up in my eyes...

It read:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly..." ~Proverb

Soooo, it's now on my fridge :)

There have been so many times during the IF journey where I literally felt like the world was ending. The heartbreak hurt that much. And somehow, someway, I would heal...

I've been a little crampy today. Of course, I hope things are going okay in there and they are growing at just the right speed. I do not want OHSS! It would be amazing if I could be done with shots on Monday.

This is our chance. This is our butterfly.

Note to self

Don't watch Marley & Me. Especially when you're all jacked up on hormones!

I've seen Marley & Me plenty of times. Such a good movie and such a sad movie. Our golden retriever, Nole, was tragically hit and killed by a car this past January. The worst night of my life, besides the miscarriage. He was my baby and we loved him so so much. I miss him so much and I feel him with me everyday. I talk to him when it's been a rough day. He was only three years old. He was supposed to grow up with our children. We have a little "shrine" in our living room for Nole. Some people might find that creepy, but we find it comforting. We have his ashes in an ern and a card with his paw print and some of his fur. We also have a Christmas ornament leaned up against with his picture on it. As well as a small garden statue of an angel puppy with wings. We haven't buried his ashes yet, and I'm not sure what that means. I guess we just like having him close here with us...

I was waiting to watch "The Proposal" and "Marley & Me" just happened to be wrapping up. All the sudden, I'm sobbing! Like can't catch my breath, tears streaming down, all out sobfest! Definitely, ranks up there on the ugly cry face list. Damn hormones! And then I starting laughing. Sobbing and then laughing at myself. I really miss Nole so much. He was such a good boy.

My mom is helping us with a loan for this IVF (God Bless her!) and we are paying her back. The credit union she uses gave her five blank checks. On each check was a different design. Guess which one popped out at us? The check with the golden retriever on it. Looked just like Nole. And we chose to use that one for our down payment. I think it was definitely a sign that Noley is here with us during this process :)

You know I love me some signs.

They're growing!!

The follies are gettin' fatter. Maybe it's the nightly ice cream somehow helping them along? hehe.

My appointment today went well. All I wanted from today's appointment was for some more follicles to pop up and for some of them to be dominant. And I got it! They are progressing along and my lining is thickening up. My est a little more than doubled too. Which I kind of was hoping it would triple or quadruple, but I will just be happy with the fact that it is rising! They are keeping me on the same dose for the weekend and then I go back on Monday to be scanned. The nurse said something about maybe Wednesday for the retrieval, but I have a gut feeling it will be Thursday or Friday. When they would guess my IUI days, it always turned out to be a day or two later. I am just so happy and grateful that we are still chugging along and making some progress....

I feel like there is a long row of hurdles in front of us, and we are barely getting our legs over each one!

But at least we are getting over :)

Hormones, Hunger and Horns

So, last night when I told my husband he was injecting me with 4 vials of the baby juice (AKA Bravelle) he made a funny comment that had us both cracking up...

Me: You know there's 4 vials in that thing? I'm getting all juiced up.

Matt: (laughing) Oh man. We're gonna wake up tomorrow morning and I'm going to go "Good morning honey!" and you are going to have horns and say "F*** YOU!"

And then we both doubled over in laughter. At least we can laugh about it right?? :)

The daily shots of hormones combined with the oral steroid is quite the cocktail. I actually haven't been too "rage-y." Which is good :) Although, my biggest side effect is headaches and HUNGER. Oh my goodness, seriously since last Friday when we started the shots I have been SO hungry! And every single night since Friday I've been craving (and have given in to that craving) chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream! From a local store here. They make the best ice cream, but this one flavor in particular, it's like I HAVE TO HAVE IT :) Or maybe it's just all in my head and it's my comfort food through this whole process! Either way, I might be a whale by the time this is all over...

Thank you for all your advice on my last post!!! Today I'm feeling a little crampy so Im hoping that means something's cooking in there!!! I'm just trying to stay positive and hope that tomorrow's appointment brings some good news...

In a nutshell.

Today I was mad. And inches away from throwing a tantrum like a two year old.

My appointment this morning did not go well. Silence took over the u/s nurse as she scanned my ovaries. Not good, I thought. Then she asks "Do you have polycycstic ovaries?" And all I thought was "Ohhhh shit, I've got a cyst." But I didn't. She was just asking because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS HAPPENING WITH MY EGGS. Yeah, nada. They are still not measurable. After 5 nights of shots, nothing. I was so MAD. Didn't have time to be sad, just was MAD. I left there feeling like this IVF cycle was hopeless. I'm so afraid of them telling me this cycle will be cancelled and that I won't even make it to retrieval. They didnt quite say that, but they upped my dose to 4 vials of Bravelle. Yikes. I'm praying with everything in me that at Friday's appointment there's a drastic change. Like when the nurse scans me she says "Whoa! Hello follicles!" That would be ideal. I checked my lab results and my est did more double and I compared my numbers with my last injectible IUI cycle and they werent too different. But what makes me nervous is I think with IVF things need to be like "BAM!" out the gates. I feel like there is a shorter span of time to get these eggs cooking. Am I right? I really have no clue. Any advice would be friggin swell.

I know I might be overeacting but I guess I would just like to hear from any other IVF alumni who had a slow start like me and made it to retrieval! Please! Someone tell me it's not over yet :( So in a nutshell, I was a little down all day. And mad at my body. This is when I need my body to cooperate the most and it's not :(

On a happier note, when I got home from work today there was a large package on our doorstep. I opened up the package with a huge smile!!! It was a (pretty big) fertility goddess statue from my cousin Jenny in California!!! I cannot even tell you how much this made my day. It arrived at the perfect time too! She wrote a sweet note with it, saying that it's been passed down through her friends and to keep it throughout my whole pregnancy. She conceived weeks after getting the statue and she just gave birth to a perfect baby boy! I know some people are thinking "Sheeesh, yeah right. Like that will really work!" But I am a believer! And I have already held it to my belly and said a prayer :) I may or may not have talked to it while I prepared my shot at the dining room table :) haha.

Don't be a hater:)

I love my husband.

Last night my husband was stressed out and kind of sad. I think the pressure of everything was getting to him, work, money, IVF!! I know what this fertility stuff does to me, and I knew that it effects him too. Although, he says he tries to stay strong for me and "be the man." He said he knows that I take the brunt of all this fertility crap, and then when all his friends and family ask how I'm doing, he appreciates that. I'm the one physically going through it all. Although, he said sometimes he would like people to ask how he's doing with all of this...

This made me so sad to hear. I guess I thought people ask him how he's doing and I thought I did a better job of letting him express how he feels about everything, without it always being "me, me,me." I felt so bad for him, because he's going through this too. It's painful and frustrating for him too. He's nervous too. His heart breaks when we get a BFN, just as much as mine does. And in a way even worse, because all he wants to do is fix it, and he can't...

I've got a great man. I'm really so very lucky to have my husband and I love him so much. So tonight, I ask this of you girls. Give your husband and extra hug, an extra "Thank you for all you do" and an extra "I love you." They hide a lot to be strong for us, but sometimes we have to let them fall apart in our arms for a change...

The strangest thing happened today. I was driving behind a car with a license plate that read "Sept 4th." That's our wedding date :) So I texted my husband and told him what I saw. He texted back "The best day of my life."

I love him.

In IVF news, I had my second monitoring appointment on Monday morning. To my surprise, the waiting room was standing room only!! That's the first time I've been there and there was no where to sit!! It was crazy. And sad in a way, looking around at all the other women and men who are struggling with all this crap. Nothing is really happening yet with my ovaries. The nurse said she sees follicles on both sides, but none are measurable yet. Which is normal she said. But they called me later and upped my dose to three bravelle powders a night. Yikes. That's the most I've ever taken. I was a little sad Monday evening when I got home and checked my lab results online. My estrogen hadn't moved since Friday's appt AT ALL :( So that's why they upped my dose. I'm praying that at tomorrow morning's appt it triples!! I emailed the nurse saying I was nervous that it didnt rise and asked if she thought I would even make it to retrieval. She said this is all normal and she had no reason to think I wouldn't make it to retrieval. She said that's why they monitor every other day, so they can up or lower the dose. She also said that they would give me any extra bravelle I would need! Which is fantastic, because we were getting really stressed thinking we'd have to spend a ton more money on just a few boxes of meds! My trigger came today too. Please God, let my numbers rise and let my eggies GROW. I'd be so devastated if we didnt even get to retrieval :(

BUT WE TOTALLY WILL :) Because we have to think positive right??? :) Everything will work out...

I'm high on some hope right now.