Thursday, June 3, 2010

Phantom Baby Syndrome

Is there such a thing? I googled it just to see and of course all kinds of crazy things came up. We went to a bbq this past Memorial Day weekend, and this strange feeling just stuck with me the whole time. I've felt it before but never really could put my finger on why I feel so out of place at those things. Especially at parties where there are lots of little kids running around. The thing is, is that I feel like I am meant to have a child. I just know I am. The feeling that I get feels like I already have a child, but he or she isn't here with me yet. I don't feel complete. I don't feel whole. And when I am at family gatherings or any get togethers, my arms feel so empty. I really believe that when we have a child, my life will really begin and my world will be one million times brighter...

I know to some of you who reading this,you might be thinking "Geez, she sounds a bit desperate" or something like " Does anyone have a barf bag?." But I'm serious. Some people don't feel complete until they reach graduation, or a new job, or marriage. Well, this is mine. For me, having our sweet little baby someday will (for lack of better words) make the sun shine out of my ass...

And I'll no longer feel that specific emptiness...

Since the miscarriage, I have been pretty sad. And hanging out in big groups, tends to bother me. It's hard to be around people who don't know and/or understand. Minutes after arriving at the bbq last weekend, I was tested. We were tested I should say. Matt and I we're putting some stuff we bought in their fridge and in walks two guys. One is related to Matt and the other was the husband of someone at the party. The guy congratulated us on our engagement and asked when the wedding was, and we told him. And then it started, "Wow, that's coming up! Are you sure your ready for that big commitment? Marriage changes everything!" Now, I'm not stupid. I know these guys were just joking with Matt in a teasing kind of way and it was easy to laugh off. Then came the "kids talk" and my heart sank. Good thing I had my sunglasses still on or they would have seen me start to tear up. "Ohhhh man, don't have kids right away! They are so much work, you'll never have time for yourself! Travel the world first! Don't have kids yet!" And so on. I actually had to turn around and walk out. In all fairness, one of these guys had no idea about our IF troubles and what we've been through, so I don't blame them at all. But wow, it really got to me, I did my best to just breathe in and out and not take it personally.

After the guys walked out of the kitchen, Matt and I were alone. He knew right away, while the guys were giving their "advice", that I was upset. He hugged me and said, " Honey, don't even listen to them, they don't understand where we are coming from and everyone has different views about marriage and children." He was right. I can't expect everyone to understand or to be on the same page. I guess it just bothers me to hear people complain about marriage or having babies, when some of us would walk through fire, to just experience a minute of it. I'm not naive about the ups and downs of marriage and having children. I know kids are exhausting and time consuming and expensive. But they are also wonderful, life's greatest loves and worth the wait...

The things we hear some of our friends complain about, those things don't scare Matt and I at all. It actually makes us want this more. Because we know what great parents will be, even through the exhaustion, the messes and twists and turns of parenthood. So, I guess I have been avoiding large groups for this reason. So that I'm not put in a position where I want to scream at the top of my lungs, " Stop complaining about your babies!"

Even though we had to deal with that upon arrival, the bbq was fun and it was good to get out. And there we're a bunch of beautiful babies there to watch and play with. Everybody else's and the one in my heart.

He or she is always there. Not in our arms yet, but just waiting in the "wings."

I am feeling better, still have a cough but the bronchitis seems to have left town. The birth control isn't really my friend right now. I've been having chest pressure and a weird ache. I know that heart attack can be a side effect, so I called my RE and he said to keep taking it but to follow up with my primary. I'm also feeling "extra" sad since I've started it last week but the nurse said that is normal with all the hormones. Grrreat. Whatever I have to do to send this cyst packing, I'll do it. But I actually think the chest ache/pressure is probably just anxiety from everything...

I am watching Goonies and feeding my current obsession, PINEAPPLE! I lived in Hawaii and I've never tasted pineapple more yummy than the $3.99 container I bought at the local grocery store!

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm going to celebrate with more pineapple. Maybe this weekend I'll post about something non-IF related. Imagine that.

5 comments:

Amber said...

I can understand where you're coming from. And I never had that feeling until after my miscarriage. It was like being given the most amazing gift and having it taken away. After that, I felt very empty.

Let's hope that your arms are filled with a sweet baby soon and you'll have your own little one to chase around group functions!

Michelle said...

You don't sound desperate at all.
I feel empty too. I explained this to my husband the other day. I feel like my heart is half full (with friends, family and DH) and the the other half is empty. It is a void I can not fill. I've been trying, with hobbies, exercise, dogs.. but it's not enough.
Hoping things start to feel better soon.

Brittany Ann said...

I feel that same emptiness. I just don't feel as complete until I have my baby.

Katie said...

Don't ever think that you sound desperate! We've all been there, whether it's a loss we've experienced or just trying for years and years...the emptiness is always there with you. Keep your chin up!

Jennifer said...

You do not sound desperate. You sound normal. At least normal to me. I know the feeling all to well. I keep praying that you will have that sweet baby in your arms very soon!