Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I left my heart there.

Yesterday we were discharged from the hospital. We dragged the day out hoping they wouldn't throw us out by our collars and luckily we were able to keep our room till about 4. But then we had to leave. And I was so completely heart broken. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. I left my heart at the hospital.

We actually came home, my husband brought all our stuff in and then we pretty much turned right around went back to the hospital to say goodnight to her and she had a few visitors. Luckily we only live about 10-15 minutes away, but with me still recovering and not being able to drive for a few weeks, things are gonna be different this week. Probably next week I will be able to spend more time there during the day.
I don't know how we will get through this but we will. Physically and emotionally I'm a wreck. Did way to much walking yesterday and now I'm paying for it. And I don't go more than an hour without crying thinking about our sweet girl.

For such a long time yesterday she had her eyes open and I would just sing to her and she would stare right back at me. I can't even put into words how it feel to have her look at me. I would give my life for this little girl. Nothing else matters anymore.

She is doing okay overall. They had to put the c cap back on her to help with air flow pressure. Still on room air which is good. She does have a feeding tube but is not keeping much down, which scares the crap out of me. I've been pumping but not getting much yet but I'm still bringing in to them what I get. Every little bit helps. Today they are taking her stomach line and putting a picc line in. There's just so much I still don't understand, the nurses try to explain but I'm just out of it. Still on pain meds and so emotional, its hard to think. I barely remember my name or what day it is.

My husband is my hero. He has been so wonderful through all of this. He had to go back to work and he's going on very little sleep. But we both love Samantha so much that I think that is what is keeping us going and pushing us forward. Luckily, he will probably have a day or two at the end of the week off and then later in April when she comes home he can take some sort of paternity leave.

Please keep the prayers coming for our sweet girl. She's doing okay overall but I'm still terrified...

23 comments:

Samantha said...

Thinking of her every day! I can't even imagine what it was like to leave her. I'm sure they are taking great care of her in the nicu. I hope you're recovery gets better so you spend all of your time with your baby girl.

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

Sending you all the prayers in the world! ♥

Carlia said...

i'm so sorry you weren't able to bring her home with you. i'm glad you live so close to the hospital, though. i know it will be hard not having her with you constantly, but just trust in her body, that all she needs is a little time for it to catch up, and she will be home before you know it. take care of yourself, because your health is just as important as hers. you're all in my prayers. big hugs!

Stephanie said...

Oh sweet girl, I'm so sorry you couldn't bring her home with you, but she's where she needs to be right now to get a little bigger and she'll be home with you in no time! Remember to take care of yourself though too. Thinking of you all, hang in there!

Chon said...

I have been thinking of you and sending you so much love - can you feel it?!

I am just so glad she is in the right hands and in the right care.

Soon she will be home and this will be a distant memory (I hope)

Love you!

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry you had to leave your little one behind. Must be so hard.

I will hope and pray that she is able to join you guys at home soon.

((hugs))

Ashley said...

Oh sweetie, I completley understand. We were home 10 days without Brayden. Hardest 10 days of my life! I am praying for you.

kkasun said...

I am so sorry you had to leave her. She will be totally and completely well soon and then she will be home with you!! Thinking of you!

Bridget said...

I am crying for you, I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are in my prayers, stay strong!

Jenny said...

thinking of you and your little family every single day (((hugs)))

Matt and Krista said...

Hang in there Sarah! Times are tough now, but you'll get through this and have that little miracle home soon!

Liz said...

Oh Sarah I am so sorry! I can't even imagine how had this must me. Keep your head up. I hope things are well for everyone. Hugs!

Good Timing said...

Sending lots of love and hugs from up north! I've been thinking of you and sending prayers your way so you can bring baby home soon in April! Go Miss Samantha!!

Caroline F. said...

I wish u the best!!! Your princess is so adorable!!!

Kristen said...

Sending you my love and prayers! Samantha sure is lucky to have such a loving and devoted mommy and daddy...she feels your love and she is fighting for you!

xoxo

Erica said...

Sending you and your family much love, thoughts and prayers. Leaving the hospital is one of the hardest things I had to do as well. We came home and I looked at Hubs and said there must be a way for me to move in till the Twins came home. Just know that from one preemie/NICU Mommy to another I am here for you if you ever need to chat or vent or have questions about what ever is going on. I too had to have an emergency c-section and was not able to drive for just over 6 weeks (I did too much too soon and opened my wound three times!!!) Please heal and rest and you WILL find a way to be with your little Samantha soon!

Erica

Katie Hilfiker said...

Hi, Sarah! I went through a similar experience when my son Josh was born at 32 weeks. He is now a happy, healthy 8-year-old. Those first few weeks are hard, but it is totally worth it when you get to bring your little one home! Hang in there!

Mrs. H said...

Keeping baby Samantha in my prayers day and night.

RMCarter said...

Praying for all of you. You are a strong woman and she is darling.

Faith said...

Oh hun, I can't imagine. Now you know mommyhood - they are your heart, your everything. And you are right, nothing else matters. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard these first few weeks! I know you miss her like crazy. I am thinking of you and sweet Samantha....

Rebecca said...

My cousin Nicki also has a daughter in the NICU right now. http://whatdreamersdo.blogspot.com/ that is the link to her blog. Maybe she can help you out with some of the information that you might need about what to expect?

Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers!

myjourneythruinfertility said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers daily- hang in there :)

myjourneythruinfertility said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers daily- hang in there :)