Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Our Moment

Samantha and I had our first "moment" the other night. We were up visiting her in the evening and the nursery was pretty quiet. NICU nurseries can be pretty loud around feeding times, because that's when all the monitors tend to go off. But this was right after feeding time, they had turned the lights down and I my husband had stepped out of the nursery to make a call. So it was just me with my sleeping baby girl in my arms sitting in the dark. I started singing to her quietly and then the tears started to come. I realized this was our first "moment" together. Alone. Just me and her. Mother and Daughter. It really hit me that she is mine. She's my baby girl. Forever. A love that I cannot describe....

There's been some changes! Baby girl is now 4lbs 10oz. Yesterday she did mostly bottle feeds (they were pushing her) and only one tube feed. But she was exhausted!!! She's also been moved to an intermediate nursery, which is kind of a step up. She's still in her isolette for now but has been maintaining her body heat and the heat in her isolette is just about our room temp. So that's good.

There have been so many things I want to blog about, but we are just exhausted when we get home so the last thing I feel like doing is sitting in front of the computer. Here are few things that soon will be blog posts I hope...

-The Lactation Vultures (Yes, I hate them. I call them the vultures. They are horrible. I know that's not the case for all lactation consultants, because I'm sure there are nice ones out there! But the ones at this NICU make me cry. And I hate them)
-How excited/scared I am to bring her home. I have to many fears and have been having bad dreams about them.
-How I never got to say "goodbye" to my pregnant belly with Sam inside. Everything happened so fast the day she was born that I never really got to say goodbye to the pregnancy. I know that sounds so strange and of course it's so much more wonderful having her here now! But I'm feeling a little bit of PPD I think. Just a little.
-Stretchmarks! They were much more tolerable when I had the big belly. Now they are freaking me out. Because they are textured now! Like a raisin!
-I've lost 30+ pounds so far. Still massive. But I'm starting to look/feel like myself again. Plus, we forget to eat. I can't remember the last time my husband and I had a decent meal.
-The work/stay home dilemma. We are still debating what I'm going to do in the fall (Sept). Will probably be heading back to work but we are really stressed out about putting her in daycare and her getting really sick. The majority of the doctors/nurses we have talked to pretty much say to delay it as long as we can. So everything with that is still up in the air! But it's stressing me out bigtime. If anything really bad happened to our girl because she got sick from daycare, I would probably throw myself off a bridge. Well no I wouldnt but you get what Im saying...

13 comments:

TeeJay said...

I hope you have many more moments like that with your little girl. It brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like she is making great progress...I'm very happy for you! Here's continued wishes for weight gain and eating. Hope you get to bring her home soon.

Stephanie said...

Those moments are so special! What a wonderful update on her progress, she sounds like she's doing very well. Take everything in stride, only focus on what you have to make decisions on right now, the rest will fall into place and be dealt with as needed. And I know it will be super hard, but see if you and your husband can get away for a nice lunch or even dinner one night to reconnect with each other (and of course gush about your sweet girl!) :)

kkasun said...

I'm so glad you got to have a moment! Most of my moments were just us and in the dark (middle of the night feedings).

She sounds like she is doing great!

I hope you figure out what you want/can do for daycare. Maybe you could find someone to come over to your house? A college student maybe? My friend has a nanny who is in school part time and she is great!

Rebecca said...

I'm hoping that you get to take her home soon so that you can form your own routine. Hopefully you'll be able to go back to work soon and that she'll be healthy. If you need to stay home to keep her healthy its worth it, after all she is priceless.

Samantha said...

Your moment sounds beautiful!

Matt and Krista said...

I felt the same way about my pregnancy...the boys came so fast I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to it. I didn't even get a chance to take one last picture of myself. We need some new pics of little Sam!

Amber said...

Lactation vultures happen everywhere I'm afraid. All of my friends with NICU experience hated them too! It's awful that they're so aggressive. Breastfeeding is extremely difficult under perfect conditions, much less after an emergency c-section with the stress of a baby in the NICU.

Your moment is so sweet!!! Here's to many more of those in the near future!!!

Faith said...

So glad you had that moment - I promise, there are may more to come:). Sorry to hear there are some hard things going on for you - this is the hard part of taking a baby home that most moms experience (even if their babies don't have a NICU stay, but I know that adds a bigger dimension to it!) and just don't talk about. We all forget about it once they are older and easier, lol! I have learned that even these hard parts of all normal parts of parenting - for everyone. Hang in there, momma.

a miracle 4 us said...

I am so so so happy things are going well!!! As for day care, Sept is a very good period of time away. She will be healthy and strong by then and ready to mingle in baby land :)

Chon said...

She is doing awesome, what a trooper.

I am glad you had the moment and there will be so so so more to come when she comes home.

xxx

Carlia said...

i loved reading this! it's such an amazing feeling when you hold your baby in your arms and feel that surge of love. i am so glad you're getting to experience it! way to go with the weight loss! try not to stress about the stretch marks, though. wear them like a badge of honor! ;) i'm so glad samantha is doing so well. any word on when they think she might be coming home? good luck figuring out the work situation. i hope y'all are able to make a decision that you're all comfortable with. hugs!

myjourneythruinfertility said...

sooo happy to hear you had a special moment together!!

and I just have to say BLESS YOU for the stretch mark comment- seriously mine are starting to freak me out- go away already!

Jenny said...

I'm loving these updates and love that you had that special moment...I guarantee you'll remember that moment forever.
Make sure you eat missy!!! It's important for you and for your milk supply!!! Speaking of which, I'm so sorry your dealing with crazy LCs...I found them all to be overly dramatic as well...it will be better when she's home and you don't have them to deal with...feel free to talk to me any time about bfing...I had a lot of problems in the first 3 months but it was worth it to stick it out. I think that we're ending our breastfeeding journey and it's bittersweet.