A Weird Place

Hi everyone. I know, I've been MIA for awhile. It's just, I've been in what I guess I could call a weird place lately. Not depressed (maybe just a little bit of a funk!) or anything just really tired, overwhelmed and stressed. And of course my sweet little girl takes up a great deal of my time (which I love) so by the time I have a moment to blog, I decide to sleep or job search online. That leads me to the first stressor, a job. Money is tight. Money is REALLY tight right now. It has been for the past year. The rocky pregnancy and Sam's early arrival/extended maternity leave has really done a number on our wallets. Or wallet (singular) as Matt is the only one working right now.  It's tough. Returning to my old job just didn't work like we had planned. So I spent most nights after Samantha goes to bed, searching online for jobs. I did get an interview with one company that I thought would be a great fit for me, but I didn't end up getting the job. Not really shocked by that because they sent me home with this writing test, that I know I totally bombed! However, this was probably a blessing in disguise because the company is thinking of moving north of us and that commute would have been horrible for me. And by the time I got home, Sam would be in bed. So in the end it wasn't as great as I thought it might be. Plus, the pay wasn't great at all for what the position demanded. I'm trying to step outside of the box and head down a different career path. I've been a preschool teacher for so long. And I am good at it. I do enjoy it. However, the pay is very very sad. But lately, I am thinking of heading back to that for awhile because at least I could have Sam with me...

We toured a daycare for Sam the other day. It was clean and nice, but Sam cried the wholeeeeeeeeeeeee time :( Broke my heart and we weren't even leaving her there! ha! I was half-listening to what the director was telling me but all I really wanted to to was book it out of there!! Right now, Sam has been having a lot of stranger anxiety. And I know eventually that will fade and when we do have to put her in daycare, I know eventually (keyword is "eventually") will be fine :) That night after we toured the daycare I just rocked her to sleep and cried thinking about how I am ever going to leave her.

But I know I need to work. As much as I would like to continue to be home with her, I just can't. We need two incomes. I want to be able to give her a good life. I want to be able to go on family vacations and not have to worry every day about money! And we want to send her to college! Sooooo many things we want for her. And with just one income, we can't do that.

Sam is getting much better, but still can be a very fussy baby. I am so exhausted every day. But I LOVE the time have with my girl :) She's my little buddy. She's teething too, which has been a challenge. And just today had her 6 mths shots! She actually didn't cry that much (we were surprised!) however this evening she's been super cranky :( Her little legs are probably sore even with the Tylenol! We just love her so much though. Tonight as I was rocking her before bed I said " Thank you God so much for this gift." Might sound cheesy, but I said it...and then I cried! I've been SUPER emotional lately! Nooo, I am not pregnant haha

So yeah I feel like I am in a weird place. I'm (temporarily) a SAHM, but on the job hunt! It's a weird place because I feel I can't embrace one or the other! It's just overwhelming. I know this sounds strange but if I knew I could just be home with her, then I would be a much better SAHM than I am right now. I would take her more places, do more activities, plan things, etc. But I feel like I am so mentally and physically drained looking for a job that I can't completely focus on just her. When I am home with her and playing, I'm thinking of jobs and if I'll get called for an interview, will it work out, etc. And then when I'm job searching and writing cover letters and what not, I'm thinking about Sam and would this job work with her, where will she go to daycare, could we afford daycare with this job's salary etc.

I've thought about taking kids in, that way I could make some money and still have Sam nearby. However, I just don't think at Sam's age right now that would work. She is pretty demanding on her own, and if I had only kids to look after as well I feel like I wouldn't be giving my all to them.

All I can do is take it one day at a time. And try not to lose my mind and get stressed out about things right now! At the beginning of November we are taking Sam to Boston to have her Hemangioma checked out by one of the best specialists in the country. At her ped appt today, the doctor agreed with me that it has definitely gotten larger. This coming Tuesday she is also having an ultrasound done of her brain, stomach and the hemangioma.

Despite all the stress, I am so excited that Fall is here! Can't wait to take Sam apple picking! And all the great holidays are coming up! As well as her Baptism in November! Lots to look forward too :)

So, please excuse my absence. I try to still read and comment as much as a can, but I have not been feeling up to blogging much lately! Today, I actually got a little nap in which is very rare. And when I came out of the bedroom this is what I found....

Love my loves.

It was rainy and cold here today. Perfect day for a nap!!