The Little Couple

Has anyone seen TLC's "The Little Couple"? Well I was watching the other night and they are going through IVF. So it was pretty interesting to watch. She is bad-ass. Did the egg retrieval wide awake! Ummm, no thank you. I guess because of her small size her airways get constricted if she uses sedation stuff. Something like that. I have learned so much about IVF and the process just from reading all of your blogs and watching TV! Unfortunately, I don't know if IVF is in our near future. There may be a delay, because of med costs. So I don't know what is going to happen. Thank you to all of you who responded to my beggin for bravelle post. I'm considering ordering from Canada too, but Im not sure how all that works. My next cycle should start around July 16th or so. So I have another week to try and get my med situation...situated...

If IVF doesnt work out for this next cycle. We might try a non-medicated cycle with monitoring, trigger and IUI. Has anyone ever done one of these?

As for the possible adoption, I'm sad to say that I am giving up on it. I got so invested in these baby girls and the thought that it might actually work. It's not looking very promising, so I am going to try my best to just let go of it. (Despite the freak-ish amount of signs I keep getting to NOT give up on it) But I just know what's meant to be will be. It's completely out of our control....

Beggin' for Bravelle

Anyone out there have any "leftover" Bravelle they would want to bless me with (or sell to me!) ??

Will pay for shipping. Will name my first born child after you.

A song that gives me strength

That old familiar feeling...

Disappointment.

I'm a little sad today. And it all happened before 9 am this morning. It was one of those kind of days where if you're so bummed THAT early...you should just climb under a rock and stay there for the rest of the day...

I went to bed happy. I woke up feeling happy. Happy to have received some more info on the twins. Happy to be putting my surgery behind me with the post-op appointment. And happy to be going back to work and rejoining the world. So I had a little spring in my step.

My mom met me at the RE's office and the first thing she said was "Did you get the email I forwarded you?" I said, "No." Then she showed me on her phone. Our family friend had spoken with the woman who has been caring for the girls. Her response to our family friend telling her we were interested, wasn't all that reassuring. She mentioned that things were still uncertain and that she would talk to the mom of the twins to see what she wanted to do. As in if she was even serious about adoption.

Uncertain.

Doesn't sound good.

But I don't blame anyone. Deciding to put your children up for adoption is no small thing.

I'm a little mad at myself for getting my hopes up. Silly Sarah, did you actually think things might work out for once? Sigh.

I also got some not so good news at the appointment this morning. I had been told by a few nurses that when doing IVF (since it's not covered) you can "act" like you are doing just a regular injectibles/IUI cycle so that the meds are cheaper. Apparently, as explained by my doctor this morning....that's insurance fraud. So yeah, won't be doing that! But now I am at a loss. The IVF meds could cost anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 dollars. Which we can't afford right now. I'm just so sad, because what I thought was finally in reach...IVF...our baby....our family...is now not looking like an option. And in my heart I just know another injectible/IUI cycle is not going to work for us.

I know what you're thinking..."stop being a negative nancy"....

But I'm tired of things not working out. I'm tired of being sad. I'm so very tired of these empty arms...

I just don't know what God is asking of us.

But what I do know is He's asking too much...

Update on the "Seeds"

We know a little more about the situation with these twin baby girls. But not much more. I guess our family friend works with this guy ("D" we'll call him). D and his wife are an older couple, older as in thinking about retiring to Florida soon. They have grown children of their own. D's wife has a friend (the friend is the mother of the girl who gave birth to the twins). Apparently the daughter is young and the mom (the grandma of the twins) has tried taking care of them but can't afford to. So she asked her friend (D's wife) if they would take the twins in. No other info on the mother of the twins or the father of the twins. D and his wife are thinking about looking for a good family for these twins to go to....

Our family friend is going to see D on Wednesday and he will let them know we are very interested....

I'm not sure where this will go. There are so many other questions such as "Does the mother and father of these twins definitely want to give them away?" So many other questions too. But all we can do is wait and pray that whatever is meant to be will be...

I just feel a strong connection to these girls. Yes, this came out of left field, but maybe it was supposed to? I would regret not trying for these girls, when we don't have a clue what the future will bring us. Who knows if IVF would work for us. I don't want a year or two to go by, with more failed cycles, knowing that we could have had a family if we only tried to adopt these girls. There's no way to know what the right path is.

It's like walking with a blindfold on. You don't know what you're gonna walk into until you actuallly walk into it...

Because I'm crazy...

Last night we got into bed and turned the TV on. Yes, we sleep with the TV on. Bad habit that we both share....

But guess what show was on? An old Extreme Home Makeover. What was the story? It was about a family with young twin girls who have leukemia....

Watched the whole thing. Cried my eyes out. And couldn't help but see it as a sign.

Because I'm crazy.

I also spent the rest of the night really sick with a stomach bug. Of course I'm sick on the day before I have to go back to work!! So today my diet consists of toast, bananas and gatorade.

Hoping I can sleep tonight and that I feel a great deal better for tomorrow. I have my post-surgery appointment tomorrow and then back to work!

Congratulations on your adoption

Nothing new to report on the "seeds." We haven't heard back from our family friend. My mom is going to try and contact them again tomorrow. I'm trying to pretend like we never got that call, but that's pretty much impossible. Especially when weird things like this happen. Please read below.

We got that call Friday night. Friday night before bed, I realized the whole "earrings" situation as I mentioned in my last post. Saturday my mom and my step-dad took a drive over to Stockbridge MA to have lunch and just walk around. Today she told me something strange happened. She went into a gift shop and was looking around. She saw this cute little baby greeting card. She reached for it, opened it up and guess what the message read inside? "Congratulations on your Adoption."

Another coincidence or a sign??? I'm completely nuts so I'm going to take that as a sign. She said she almost bought the card but at the last minute put it back. I mean, come on, that's pretty strange right?

On the post-surgery front, I'm starting to feel human again. Going back to work after my post surgery appt with the doctor Tuesday morning. I'll be so glad to put this all behind me....

We'll see what the rest of the summer holds :)

Earrings

Yes, there will be multiple blog posts this weekend to calm myself down about the "seed." I will gladly except any slaps to the face, telling me to calm down and to understand there is like a 99% this won't work out....

That being said. I don't like sleeping with jewelry on. Especially earrings. Something about the earrings digging into my neck when my head is on the pillow bugs me out. Last night as we were getting into bed, I was laying there watching TV when I realized I hadn't taken my earrings off. I haven't left the house all week since my surgery. The day after surgery, I threw on a pair of earrings that I haven't worn in probably almost ten years. They had gotten lost in one of our moves, and I just recently found them in all my jewelry clutter. They were given to me by a family friend who owned a jewelry store. I had helped him out in his store around Christmas (almost ten years ago) and as a Christmas gift he and his wife (one of my mother's best friends) gave me these earrings.

As I was taking the earrings off last night in bed, it hit me...

These earrings were from the same family friend who told my mom about the twins. Now, I certainly know this could just be a coincidence. That it just so happened that after almost ten years I start wearing these earrings everyday this week...

But really? Seems so much more than just a coincidence...

Again, any slaps to the face are appreciated :)

I dreamt about them

I dreamt about the twin girls last night. It was more of a searching dream. I was on a ship actually and there was a room full of children and I was frantically looking for these two baby girls. I found one of them, but she was a little older than 5 months. She had a onesie on that read " I love Mommy." But I couldn't find her sister anywhere. Strange how dreams happen.

Like I said last night, in no way am I putting all of our eggs in this one basket. It was just a phone call. Just a seed. I do appreciate all of your comments and advice. I agree with every single one of them. I do have respect for parents that choose to put their child up for adoption, when the reason is to give them a better chance at life. I just could never imagine giving my child up. But of course I am biased because of my struggle with infertility. I try to think about what if our daughter someday becomes pregnant at 16 and wants to consider adoption? There are so many reasons for why people make certain choices. And I am NOT judging. One couple's choice for putting their child up for adoption, becomes a blessing for another couple...

Something else I'm struggling with is are we considered even a "better option" for someone else's child? Yes, we have so much love to give but we don't own a house. We don't have a backyard with a swingset. We don't have a big bank account and we don't have big fancy jobs. Would someone really look at us at say " Our twin baby girls have a better life with these people"? I'd like to say all those "material things" don't matter. But sometimes, they do. I know in my heart that love wins over all those things. But would other people agree?

What's meant to be will be. This seed may not even grow into anything. But it does have me thinking about life's plan...or God's plan....

The big things seem to happen when you least expect it.

My mom emailed our family friend the link to my last blog post and she was going to call her today to try and get more information on the twins. I guess it's our turn to plant the seed that we are interested and would like to be considered. My mindset right now is to gear up for next months IVF. To just pretend like nothing has changed....

Even if it has.

Seeds have been planted.

And not in the way you might be thinking.

My mom came over after work to keep me company while my husband was working. She brought over dinner and we just hung out for a little while. She knew I had the "post-op blues" and she wanted to help me feel better. Love my mom....

Tonight I got a call from her, which I thought was her just checking in on me. But it was about something else. Something unbelievable. I debated even writing this post, but I use this space to vent and get my thoughts out so that is what I'm going to do....

She proceeded to tell me that a family friend of ours met someone this week who was considering putting their children up for adoption. Yes, children. Babies. Five month old twin baby girls. We don't know all the details about the situation or if this even would happen. Which is why we're NOT getting our hopes up. I guess our family friend has seen the girls before and he said they are so beautiful and healthy. We don't really know anything else. Of course , I was hammering my mom with questions, " I don't understand why they would want to give them up?" " Are the mom and dad together?" " Can they just not afford to raise them?" I wanted answers. But unfortunately we don't have any right now. I am very much aware that something like this would fall through, that maybe the parents are just scared and confused, that maybe this hoping is all for nothing. But now that these "seeds" are planted in my head I can't stop thinking about these baby girls. It makes me really sad that there are two beautiful, healthy twin girls out there who's parents aren't even sure they want them. It's sad. And I'm trying not to judge. I keep thinking too, it's taken them five whole months to realize they may not want them? Aren't they attached to them? So many questions swirling around my head. I know there are all different reasons why people put there children up for adoption. So I'm trying to keep an open mind...

Like I said, we are not going to get our hopes up. It was just a random phone call that has planted a seed in me. If by some miracle we were to adopt these girls, we still would keep trying on our own.

I just had Lap surgery. We are starting IVF next month. We get this phone call today.

What is my mind doing? Spinning. What is my heart doing? Pounding away at the thought of holding twin baby girls in my arms. I don't know if I could handle the happiness.

So, yeah...

Thought I was having the blues...until I read this post...

http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/2011/06/sids.html

Heartcrushing.

Post-surgery blues

I've been feeling pretty "blah" yesterday and today. I almost feel like I'm feeling worse as the days go by instead of getting better. I have more cramping and spotting and I'm SUPER tired. Slept till noon both yesterday and today, which I never normally do. And I'm taking naps. And I just have an overall "out of it" feeling. Today was hard too, because my husband had to go back to work. It was nice having him home with me and I think with the combination of being house-bound for a few days it got me a little emotional. I also feel like I might be getting a UTI from the surgery. I talked to the doctor's office today and they said to just keep drinking cranberry juice and lots of fluids and if it gets worse to go to Urgent Care. That's exactly what I DON"T want to do. The thought of sitting for hours in an Urgent Care, is not on my list of fun things to do right now. But if it gets worse, I'll have to. I'm hoping I start feeling more like myself this weekend. My husband keeps reminding me that it's going to take a few more days to feel back to "normal" again. Which I know, but I think I'm just being impatient. Anyone who's had this surgery, did you take your bandages off or let them fall off? I'm afraid to peel them off, but they are looking pretty gross. Should I let some air get to the incision spots?

My car broke down last week too. Which is going to cost us close to $1000 to fix. So I don't have a car at the moment. It's always something it seems!

I'm so glad I did the surgery that it's over, but I'm just really hoping I start feeling better! These post-surgery blues suck :(

Feeling lousy...

It's the day after my surgery and I'm feeling so lousy. Silly me thought I was going to get out of the "got hit by a truck feeling" but I was wrong. When I woke up from surgery I didn't have any pain at all. Just felt tired and loopy. But then last night and into day the pain has arrived. I have a lot of pain through my shoulders and arms from all the air they pumped into me. And my stomach is a bit achey too. My husband is taking great care of me though! I haven't been able to leave the couch much. I'm alternating motrin and Tylenol with Codine. And gas x too! They said it would help with the arm and neck pain. It was great to be able to shower today, but I still can't get off the IV bandage sticky stuff and the orange iodine that all over my stomach and legs!! I'm trying not to look at the incisions because it creeps me out! I'm just thankful I have time off to rest, because I can't imagine chasing after two year olds this week! A nurse called today to check up on me and to make my follow up appt with my dr for next tuesday.

When you look at my blog can you see the black and white pattern and tiffany blue ribbon? I can't see it. And I might want to change my background. So I thought I would ask you all if you can see or if it's just my computer?

I know it's jumping ahead but guess what I started designing online today? My retrieval and transfer socks :) I'm not going to order them yet, but it was just fun designing the perfect socks! Who knows...maybe we will be blessed with a "natural pregnancy after a lap" baby!!! And I won't need those socks. But it's still exciting to think we are one step closer!

Gotta go...pill and ice cream time :)

What to do on the first official day of summer? Have surgery of course...

Just wanted to update you all about my surgery today. I am sooo happy it is over!!! Still pretty groggy right now and taking it easy. Immediately after surgery I had no pain and was just dizzy and out of it and my hearing is a little muffled. But now the discomfort is creeping up on me. My mom and my husband were there with me and they were so wonderful! My surgery got off to a late start because of an emergency c-section. So we didnt get home until about 5:30. I will say though that I went into the O.R. crying and woke up crying. But it was all fine. Will post more tomorrow about it.

The doc found Stage 1 Endometriosis and was able to remove some it of from two different spots. I have an appt next week to discuss it further but from what we gathered he took the endo off two ligament spots? But he said my uterus looked great and they did another HSG and it looked great. I am pleased. Just going to try and get some sleep and rest up!!! Tomorrow Im sure I will even be able to catch up on blogs and maybe even do a blog makeover on mine!

Thank you everybody for your sweet emails, comments, phone calls and texts! Love you all!!! :)

Three words

The. Pampers. Commercial.

Do you know which one I'm talking about?? The "miracle IVF" one? Yeah, that one. Haven't seen it on the regular stations, but totally had me sobbing this morning while I watched TLC...

Same with A Baby Story! I haven't watched A Baby Story in maybe two years. It got hard to watch after every failed cycle. But today I watched and could barely see because my eyes were so blurred with tears. I have a feeling though that when we do get pregnant I might avoid these shows. They kind of scare the shit out of me.

My surgery is happening tomorrow! Thank you AF for getting the hell out of town. :) I'm trying to relax about the surgery but I'm honestly freaking out inside. I'm mostly scared about the anestesia. But I keep telling myself this is what I have to do to get one step closer to our baby...

My Four Dads

Remember that show back in the 90's (or late 80's?) called "My Two Dads"?? Loved that show. Not really sure why I mention this, but I guess it just helped me come up with the title for this post :)

Between my husband and I we have four dads. My dad, my step-dad, my husband's dad and my husband's step-dad. The more the merrier. Although, sometimes it's really hard to visit with everyone on days like this. Today my husband and I had to split up. I drove down to see my dad and my husband went to a bbq with his dad. They don't live near each other so it wasn't going to work out visiting both places.

This morning tugged on my heart a bit. My husband had texted two of his close friends who are first time dads. He wanted to wish them a "Happy First Father's Day." Then he looked over at me and sighed, "Someday it'll be our turn" he said. I think my heart filled with hope and broke into pieces all at the same time. I just know my husband is going to make an amazing Daddy. I feel like we are just waiting to flip the "go" switch. Or like a show we have been rehearsing for and we are just waiting for opening night. We're going to be great parents, I just know it. This kid is already super loved and he/she has not even been conceived yet...

I'm very confident that next Father's Day is going to be a whole different ballgame :)

***AF update (for anyone who's been holding their breath to know the status of my lady parts): I think Tuesday's surgery is a go!***

Dear AF, I'm so mad at you. Sincerely, Sarah

Yesterday I starting spotting and even a little bit more than spotting. I was excited because I thought for sure today it would have arrived in full swing.

Nope. It was non-existent. Didn't really have cramps at work either. Freaking great. Now what?

I'm having some cramps now, but I am so discouraged. Even if it really comes tomorrow I'm not so confident that it will be just light or spotting by Tuesday. I can't even describe how much that sucks. AF is really screwing everything up. I wish something would just work out the way it's supposed to for once...

Sorry for the rant. I'm pretty sure not everyone is pumped up to read about my menstrual cycle :)

I do want to give a big "WOO-HOO!" shout out to my blog friend Elizabeth over at Many Many Moons. (This is where I should create a link to her blog, but um yeah, don't know how to do that) :) She and her husband just found out that their adoption status has been moved up to "placement pending." Which means they may have their baby in their arms this August! :) Hoping and praying for her.

See Spot Run

Starting spotting today. :)

Hoping AF is pretty much gone by Tuesday...

Please.

A Period Prayer

Today I had my pre-op appointment at the hospital and then the pre-op consult with my doctor at the RE's office. I learned all about the good the bad and the ugly this operation has to offer. Frankly, Im terrified to know that a machine will be breathing for me during the surgery. This seems to be creeping me out the most. But a big concern for me today was to find out whether or not this surgery will even happen next tuesday. I haven't gotten my period yet. And that's a big deal. It's late. And not late for any wonderful reason (aka baby). Trust me, I tested. Basically the doctor said that he can't do the surgery if I have a heavy flow. If it's just spotting, then yes. And if it hasnt arrived at all yet by tuesday, he can still do it. I have some cramping going on tonight, so Im hoping it arrives full force tomorrow. That way by tuesday it should be pretty much done. So right now Im in limbo. They wont cancel the surgery until tuesday morning when they know what they are dealing with. So, please any period prayers would be FANTASTIC!! Funny how I never want my period to arrive and now I really need it to!!! That's life. Just wanted to update you all. Sorry for the lack of interesting posts and comments. Operation AF has consumed me :) I just want to thank my wonderful mom for coming with me today!! I am totally a mama's girl. She's been so supportive. Love you mom!

And now entering the stadium....panic.

On Friday I emailed a nurse at the RE's office to ask if it was still possible to go ahead with my surgery if I have my period. I checked my inbox tonight and her reply was " When is your period due? But according to the doctor, probably not."

WTF. After I read that I was very much on the verge of crying and/or punching something. Panic has arrived...

My last two cycles started on April 11th and May 12th. So I should be expecting it any day right? Sometimes my cycles are so off that I'm never really sure when it should start. When I was on birth control (years ago) it seemed like my period was never the same week in each month. The little colored pills seems to rotate. So I think that's why I'm confused. Plus, I just got a positive OPK last Saturday on CD 24, wouldn't it be a whole extra week before I should expect AF then?? Can you ovulate so close to the end of a 28 day cycle?? I know all that I'm asking might sound so stupid, but I would appreciate any wisdom in the AF department. I probably should know how menstrual cycles work by now. But I guess in all honesty, I DON'T :)

This surgery HAS to happen on the 21st. For so many reasons. Please AF, I need you to arrive. Do me proud. You showed up in a fury on the day of my beta last month. Oh so punctual. Please don't let me down.

We went to my niece Rory's 1st birthday party today up in Saratoga. She is so stinkin cute. And there was an abundance of other cute lil munchkins there as well. It's funny, that ache in my heart to have a child is always there. But it's even stronger on days like this. Where you see all the young families and they are so happy and just oozing happiness. We want that. We want our little family.

There was a couple there with a two year old little boy and a newborn baby boy. The little boy was absolutely adorable and he came in up on his dad's shoulders. I couldn't stop looking at him because there was something so special about him. He was super cute but there was something else about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. We were sitting talking with my mom when she leaned over and whispered " That's the couple I was telling you about that did IVF at your center." I almost stopped breathing because I felt like in some weird way I sensed it. Turns out they did IVF and it worked (hence the two year old) and then later got pregnant on their own and had another baby boy. Which explains the newborn. Amazing. I had this crazy urge to go pick up the two year old boy and hug him and say " We're hoping for a miracle, just like you." But of course I didn't because that would be super creepy...

I mean, come on, infertility hasn't stolen all of my social skills. :)

Just most of them.

Please [don't] pass the potatoes...

So, my friend's husband is an O.R. tech at a local hospital. She and I got talking about my upcoming surgery and then the topic came up about strange surgeries her husband has had to help out on. Now, of course, for privacy reasons no actual names were mentioned. Although, the story of "potato lady" has to be shared with you all...

Apparently, this woman showed up in the ER. She had shoved a potato up her hoo-ha because she read somewhere that putting a potato up there would help her get pregnant. Now, as an infertile myself, I understand desperation. But a potato up my hoo-ha?? Um, NO THANK YOU. I guess the potato was up there for weeks and it started rotting inside her and the pain made her go to the ER. They had to operate to get it out and they had to perform a hysterectomy. Oh, the irony....

True story.

I bet you'll never look at a potato the same way again.

So who's good with computers?

Since last night I've been having trouble viewing some blogs including my own. On mine and some others I can only see the headings but I can't scroll down to read the post or comment. When I clicked on my blog at the bottom it says "Done but with errors on page." And then I clicked on that and this box popped up that said...

HTML Parsing Error: Unable to modify the parent container element before the child element is closed

Noooo clue what that means! Or how to fix it. Please help! :) Funny how even an error on my computer is throwing the whole "parent and child" thing at me :)

I would so appreciate any tips on how to fix this! Thanks :)

Twins 'n other good things

It's been a good week, friends. The kind of week where you just feel so blessed. And I have to admit that a lot of the time my husband and I don't feel so lucky. But I think our luck is changing...

My mom and step dad have taken out a loan to help us with the initial down payment for our upcoming IVF cycle in July. It's hard for me to even describe how grateful we are to them, without ending up in complete tears. For the past few days, whenever I think about it, I cry. Their generousity and love goes beyond measure...

And the good news continues. My husband got a side job residing a house this summer and there is the potential to make a big chunk of money. Which we really need! Couldn't have come at a better time...

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my "computer issues" that I posted about awhile ago. Well those issues are over. Thanks to my husband's Uncle! He gave us an extra laptop he had. So generous of him! Our laptop died and I've been using my old college desktop that only worked well when it wanted to. And we didnt have a desk so I had to sit on the floor with it. Ha! So happy to have a laptop again.

Guess what I got this morning? A positive ovulation test! :) Totally shocked. Today is CD 24. Better late than never right? I know (from experience obviously) that a positive ovulation test does not mean that I will definitely get pregnant. But it's still nice to see the two lines and be hopeful! How crazy would that be? Getting pregnant right on verge of surgery and an upcoming IVF?! Ahhh, a girl can dream.

On Friday night, I went over to my friend Shannon's new house to hang out with her and my friend Kristen. Kristen was babysitting her baby twin nephews and I got to meet them for the first time! I have to say they are just the cutest babies. Could totally rock a magazine cover or be in a tv show! A new "Full House" maybe? Move over Olsen twins :) I definitely take my hat off to mothers of multiples. It took the work of three women to keep the babes happy :) It was really fun to think that maybe I'll have twins someday. Even though they are tough, they are such a blessing as well! After spending the evening with them, I learned that I am NOT scared to have twins. Maybe scared about triplets, though :) My husband and I have been talking about when IVF time rolls around, how many embies we would put back. My heart tells me three in hopes that at least ONE would stick. But my head tells me two. It's really something we have to think about. Who knows how many would even make it to transfer, but this is still something that's on my mind...

I'm in a good place right now. Hopeful and excited. I think it's going to be a wonderful summer :)

Super.

Sorry I have been MIA the past few days. Still checking in on your blogs but I am in a blogging drought. It's been super hot here the past few days and I've been super tired. However, my ovaries are not super. They kind of suck actually. Today is Day 21 and no positive OPKs yet. Either this is going to be a super long cycle or it's just not gonna happen. Sigh.

Had a great memorial day weekend! Even worked on my tan (burn) a little :) I'll pep up this weekend with a super good post. I've kind of been in the "if you have nothing fun/important to say--say nothing at all" mood. And the heat. Even our AC's cant keep up with it! Maybe I'm just getting old.

Anyone see the article about the couple who just had their 3rd child and are deciding to keep the gender a secret? I guess because they don't want him/her feeling pressured by society to act/dress like a little boy or a little girl. They want to let the kid choose...

Super WEIRD.