Tuesday, June 28, 2011

That old familiar feeling...

Disappointment.

I'm a little sad today. And it all happened before 9 am this morning. It was one of those kind of days where if you're so bummed THAT early...you should just climb under a rock and stay there for the rest of the day...

I went to bed happy. I woke up feeling happy. Happy to have received some more info on the twins. Happy to be putting my surgery behind me with the post-op appointment. And happy to be going back to work and rejoining the world. So I had a little spring in my step.

My mom met me at the RE's office and the first thing she said was "Did you get the email I forwarded you?" I said, "No." Then she showed me on her phone. Our family friend had spoken with the woman who has been caring for the girls. Her response to our family friend telling her we were interested, wasn't all that reassuring. She mentioned that things were still uncertain and that she would talk to the mom of the twins to see what she wanted to do. As in if she was even serious about adoption.

Uncertain.

Doesn't sound good.

But I don't blame anyone. Deciding to put your children up for adoption is no small thing.

I'm a little mad at myself for getting my hopes up. Silly Sarah, did you actually think things might work out for once? Sigh.

I also got some not so good news at the appointment this morning. I had been told by a few nurses that when doing IVF (since it's not covered) you can "act" like you are doing just a regular injectibles/IUI cycle so that the meds are cheaper. Apparently, as explained by my doctor this morning....that's insurance fraud. So yeah, won't be doing that! But now I am at a loss. The IVF meds could cost anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 dollars. Which we can't afford right now. I'm just so sad, because what I thought was finally in reach...IVF...our baby....our family...is now not looking like an option. And in my heart I just know another injectible/IUI cycle is not going to work for us.

I know what you're thinking..."stop being a negative nancy"....

But I'm tired of things not working out. I'm tired of being sad. I'm so very tired of these empty arms...

I just don't know what God is asking of us.

But what I do know is He's asking too much...






11 comments:

amiracle4us said...

You aren't being 'negative nancy'....you just got a lump of not happy information and you are allowed to be upset!!! Have you looked into different funding for IVF? There are a couple different infertility CC's and different clinics associated with reduced payment options...ie: attain
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/costs?gclid=CNjMzfXo2akCFYio4Aodvx_LWQ
hang in there....things will work out!

Diana said...

What is up w today!?! I also posted about today being a gloomy day. Its ok to have bad days. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sorry you got the news of the girls. But don't lose hope! I'll b thinking of u. Big hugs.

Baby Hopes said...

I'm so sorry - that is such a heartbreak. I know the feeling of crying out "What more can we do? What more do You want from us?!?" I hope things become clear to you soon and that relief and comfort are on the way.

Seriously?! said...

Oh Sarah. What a sad day indeed.
:( Thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow is better.

Sari Jane said...

Your words are so much like my own, this is a hard thing! We all have those ick days, and we all have those questioning moments, we face that sadness and frustration and don't understand. Know that God does have a plan even in the midst of chaos, God is still God! Praying for you!

sunnyside up said...

Oh, I'm so sorry! I must agree today has been a debbie downer day, I posted about it being a crappy day, also!

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

HUGS!

www.roadtoreproduction.blogspot.com

cgd said...

You are so not being negative, you are expressing real emotions to a very upsetting situation. I am so sorry that things are this difficult and wish things were just more clear all around.
take this for what its worth, my RE office was always able to get my meds covered for ivf even though we did not have coverage for that procedure. The words insurance fraud were never used. Perhaps this is something worth looking into. If not, I know lots of people who were able to get donated meds from blogging/ twitter friends. I am happy to post that on my blog if it will help you.
hang in there, love

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry it was a bad day. Don't feel silly for getting your hopes up...we all did too! And I will continue to hope for you.

I think the person caring for the twins may have been a little thrown off. It's one thing to talk about adoption, but when you actually get an offer, it makes things more real. I wouldn't put too much into her initial reaction. There is still a chance!

tanyaslifejourney said...

Been a lurker for awhile but I don't think I've ever commented before.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling like God is asking too much. I feel much the same way right now. The song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West is awesome and helps me through those tough days...

Sharyn said...

Can you check whether your clinic has anyone funding "scholarships"? I'm not making this up; after IVF finally worked for me my parents funded a scholarship to express their gratitude. Also, I've heard of patients selling unused meds to other patients. Certainly you have to be very trusting and vigilant, but it might be worth a try.

Best of luck to you.

Good Timing said...

Ugh.....I so get the feeling of disappointment. I think we are all there at some point or another! Good luck with the IVF and trying to figure out the funding, I think we may be in a very similar boat too!