Tuesday, January 1, 2013

"CIO" is a bastard.

Oh, blog friends. I have been meaning to post about this issue for weeks now and I just finally seem to have a few minutes to post more than just a picture. Let me start off by saying that CIO is a bastard. Yes, a bastard. I actually had a nastier word for this (it rhymes with brother lucker) but I couldn't bring myself to type that on here. I'm trying to keep it somewhat classy on here. ha.

So, it has been no secret since we brought our sweet Samantha home from the NICU back in April that she is not a good sleeper. She was SUPER colicky her first three months and then it got better. But still she doesn't nap or sleep very well at night. We've tried EVERYTHING. Changing up schedules, food, bottles, binkies (she hates them!), and I even tried a lovie in her crib with her the other night. Is that a gasp I heard? Yes, I put something in my daughter's crib with her. Yes, I know it's not so safe and we were really nervous about it. However, we have noticed over the last month or so when she is tired and wants to nap or is about to go to sleep she likes to rub a bib or blanket on her face. Almost covering her face a bit. Which freaks us out because of the obvious we do not want her to suffocate herself!! But the other night I decided to put one in her crib and watch her like a hawk on the monitor.

Let me back up and say. She does sleep in her crib, usually all night, occassionally if things get bad we have to come out to the living room for her swing. But she goes down okay at night, the problem is that she wakes up frequently through the night. Usually she wakes up every hour crying until midnight or so and then will usually go a few hour stretch, but then sometimes will up between 3-5 for the day. Sometimes she will shock us and go 7-7 with only waking up once. I feel like it's always changing! And yes we have tried to push her bedtime back, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

So, back to the lovie the other night. She woke up crying and I watched her as she grabbed the lovie, rubbed on her face and went back to sleep! I was SHOCKED! And then it happened again. She woke up crying, rubbed lovie on face and went back to sleep! I was so excited! But then the rest of the night didn't go as well. She had no interest in the lovie after that :(

We have tried the CIO method. But probably a half-assed version of it. The longest we've let her cry is about 25 minutes. I know, that's probably not long enough in the CIO world. But this is not a little whiney cry. It's a full blown tears, screaming, practically hyperventilating cry!!! It is SO awful. And of course every minute letting her cry like this feels like an eternity. I guess I don't understand CIO so much, because it says to go in every few minutes and just pat them etc. And then to stay away for longer periods. However, this is just worse for my girl. If I go in to pat her, she's gets happy and relieved and thinks I am going to pick her up and then when I don't and walk out, she's just back to freaking out! I've read some articles saying your child should be at least 9 months before trying this. Well Sam will be 10 months in a few days, but she is only 8 months adjusted age. Like tonight for instance, she was super tired, it wasn't like she was raring to go, we did our normal routine, she went down fine. But then about 45 min later she was screaming like a banshee. Tears and everything. I went in, rocked her, put her back down. She woke up ten min later screaming again. I went in rocked her, put her down, she was back out. Ten min later the same, but I tried to let her cry it out for a awhile which did NOT work out!

I will be honest. I used to be the person that would roll their eyes at parents who couldn't let their kid cry it out. I used to think "Just DO it!" But now, that is biting me in the ass. I totally understand how hard it is and how it does not work for everyone. I have had many people tell me " CIO worked for our first kid, but not the second." At this point, we would even be open to co sleeping but she's not really a fan of our bed, I think she likes her own space! So I know the one good thing is that she sleeps in her crib. We have that going for us. But the sleep is sooo sporadic! It's horrible. I don't judge the parents who have let their kid CIO because if it's works then that is awesome!! My sleep is definitely suffering big time and there are times where part of me thinks I should just let her cry for hours. But I can't and I won't. I guess I just see it as I've waited for years for this precious girl and if she needs me...she needs me....I want her to know I will come to her if she needs me! And I know that makes me sound like my kid's b****. Honestly, I think it's because she's a baby and I can't reason with her. Trust me, if she were four I would have NO problem with letting the her "tantrum it out" and not giving in to something. But just seeing my sweet baby's face soaked with tears on the monitor has me running to her!!! I know, I know. Many of you are probably saying I am screwing myself. That it's my own fault that I don't sleep. But for now, this CIO is not for us. Maybe when she's a bit older? I don't know.

She has slept through the night just once since bringing her home. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me "My kids 3 and she doesn't sleep through the night!" That's not helping people ;) I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." I actually daydream about the day she will sleep in and I can get up and have coffee and start my day not in a zombie mode. Even her getting up just once a night is something I can manage, it's just the every hour thing that takes a toll!

I think her main issue is that she has a hard time self-soothing. I wish she would take a binky! I know, what parent wishes for that habit to start?? ME :)

Ok, my CIO vent session is over. And just to be clear I do not think one parent is better than another if they do or don't let their child CIO. What works for some...doesn't work for others...

All I know is that I miss sleep :) My parents got us a new mattress set for Christmas and I don't see much of it...




13 comments:

Faith said...

Oh you poor baby! Sleep deprivation is SO rough! It is different for every baby and every parent. I always said I would NEVER do CIO - I judged everyone who did - until I had kids, lol! I have used that method with both kids, at different times. I think it's one of those things you can only do when 1. You are at your limit and NEED it so you have the stamina and 2. You believe FULLY that your child is ready. For my son, that was at about 5 months old (VERY modified CIO, I went in frequently to let him know I was there, and it took him less than an hour to figure it out and has been an amazing sleeper since). For my daughter, I couldn't do it until she was 13.5 months old when I KNEW she was not hungry and capable of STTN and not getting up to nurse every 2-3 hours. She was a little tougher (cried longer) and I had to do it when my husband was home and could go in there (so she knew she wouldn't get to nurse). She took 3 or 4 nights, but by the last night, she cried for less than 5 minutes and put herself back to sleep before we went in there. One thing I did with Addy (and Jax did on his own very early) before doing CIO was get her attached to a lovie (professionals suggested this to me). So that one you described - I would help her bond to it - take it everywhere, sit it by her while she eats, gets her diaper changed, etc, talk to her about her lovie, draw her attention to it, ALWAYS have it when you cuddle/rock her, etc. Then, if/when you do decide to do CIO, when you go in, make sure she is holding her lovie and tell her it is night night time. Anyway, that's what worked for us - she transferred her need for an attachment object to her otter. Don't worry, hun, it DOES get better. You'll figure it out. You aren't ready now, maybe you will be later - or maybe she'll just start sleeping well for you:).

J o s e y said...

You are not alone! Check out the suggestions in the comments to my posts here (http://mycheapversionoftherapy.com/tag/sleep/) - people had a lot of great ideas.

What worked for us was (1) routine routine routine, and (2) helping her learn how to fall asleep on her own. Nursing/rocking/singing/whatever to sleep is NOT good (and I don't even know if you're doing this) b/c then they wake up in a different place and they're freaked out and need you to repeat the nursing/rocking/singing/whatever to get back to sleep. I still nurse Stella before bed, but I always put her down drowsy but awake (so that she KNOWS she's in her crib when she falls asleep and it's familiar and normal to her when she wakes up briefly at the end of a sleep cycle). A white noise machine in her room (that is on ALL night - we actually use a humidifier) was good too.

Good luck Mama!!

Stephanie said...

I don't blame you at all! We attempted the CIO method a few weeks ago when Chloe's sleep had gotten bad, but we quickly realized it wasn't for us. Not only was she in bed crying, but I was too. What good is that? I hated seeing my baby cry and reaching for us, and feel like we were just ignoring her. And she's the same way as Sam, gets hysterical and there is no way she'll fall asleep on her own. I got some good comments on that post for you to look through also.

The few things we did that worked were set more of a schedule for day and bedtime, put her in a sleep sack (in case she was cold) and keep a small light on all night long. People suggested the light that turns off after 45 minutes might actually be making her scared of the dark when she wakes up in the middle of the night in pitch blackness. I sure hope things turn around for you guys soon. That is a rough spot to be in.

http://blawndesblawg.blogspot.com/2012/12/where-did-my-good-sleeper-go-part-ii.html

Bridget said...

CIO is a bastard for sure. We did it with Emily and it was awful. The thing that helped the most was having the exact same routine every night before bed, not sure if you do that or not but it helped us. The older she gets the better she will sleep, hang in there!!

grkanga said...

I am a grandma and I know how hard it is to not get enough parental sleep. It is also ugly to go through CIO as you are doing it. I think 25 minutes is waaaaay long for a baby her age and her development. My children make me wait 12 mins before I can go in when I babysit. And usually 98% of time it is clear in thet time that the baby is going to sleep so it is fine. 25 mins of crying hard would make my first grandbaby toss her cookies at 15 mins.... . Not a plan. At Sam's age a binky is not going to work as a new item. The lovey is a good idea esp if it is not a big stuffed toy she can stand on to fall out of crib. Little and light and she is not going to suffocate herself if she is healthy and able to turn herself over. You are facing a hospital stay. Given that doing a CIO now makes little sense. Try just being there with a hand on her when she wakes up and fusses for 3 mins. And use the monitor!!! My last grandbaby gets watched like a hawk when she grizzles... if she is lying there fussing but not crying and being truely upset she is left alone, IF SHE IS REALLY UPSET and not grizzling she gets quiet company in the dark ... because we all, even at 70 don't like to feel abandoned and scared. And yes she is old enough to have honest real nightmares even if she cannot tell you about them yet. You so clearly love your baby and pay close attention to her. CIO in my experience is not being a master drill bully but part of a process for growing up. Follow your heart and brain. You and your husband and Sam will do well. I read your posts all the time and am impressed by what a good mommy you are, keep on as you are doing, take a nap yourself AT LEAST once a week, and good luck with surgery!

Rebecca said...

Don't think I could do the CIO method. Couldn't stand the emotional aspect to me.

ADSchill said...

I'm so sorry. I know how hard that must be. I pray that your little one gets into some sort of better routine and you can sleep. Sleep deprivation can be a real bi*ch.

Amber said...

I want to comment here with some genius ideas and tips that will turn this whole sinking ship around for you. Unfortunately, I just now have a 2-year-old who consistently sleeps well every night. How did we get here? Time. I tried it all. Sometimes CIO would help for a bit, sometimes other methods would. But then it would all go back to crap again the next week. Finally, the good nights started to outweigh the bad and she slept consistently. Now, introduce Graham to the story who at 5-months hasn't ONCE slept through the night either. He does cosleep and nurses all flipping night. In lieu of a binky, he likes mama. Lovely.

Good Timing said...

I wish there was a clear cut answer for every kid. We tried CIO with the monster earlier on and it was a nightmare for all of us. He wasn't ready for bed earlier or a routine or CIO. so I just let him kind of guide us and lo and behold he now only gets up once, sometimes twice a night. He has a nightlight, sleeps In a sleep sack, has music (enya) playing and a frog that I think is like the lovey you are talking about. Is she hot? Cold? Too dark? Too light? Need white noise/music? I just tell myself eventually they will sleep and we will be dragging their asses out of bed in ten years. ;) xoxo

Kel24 said...

Everyone here has aweome ideas! I have 3 kids and my oldest son is a good sleeper (after co sleeping for 5-6 months and modified CIO), my daughter is a pretty good sleeper after co sleeping for 9 months and a gradual transition to her crib, and will nap but fights going down lately and my youngest (8 1/2 months) coslept until about 7 months.

With him he was so used to sleeping with me and nursing back to sleep, he started waking up at 6-6:30am when my husbandand I got up and he was cranky and tired, so we did a gradual, modified CIO with him. Going in every few min etc and the first 2 nights were rough. After that he was much better. He still gets up 1-3 times a night between 7-7 but I can deal with that lol! Things that have helped as other people have said are 1) a sound machine or humidifier/vaporizer 2) a lovey 3) video monitor (helps me the most to see if he is fussing or really upset)
4) a warm sleep sack with a long sleeve onesie underneath and 5) overnight diapers to make sure he is not constantly wet (I use cloth during the day)Now when he wakes up I do rock him or nurse him but he is still awake when I put him back down. He usually cries or fusses for 2-3 min and is asleep much faster and sleeps better overall.

One more thing, I am still following the 2,3,4 schedule. So he goes down for his first nap if we are home 2 hours after he wakes up, his second nap three hours after he wakes up from the first and bedtime 4ish hours after his last nap. So usually he wakes up 7-7:30, naps 9-10 or 9:30-10:30 depending, naps again 1 or 1:30 until 3 or 3:30 and bedtime between 7-7:30. This has helped a lot. The more sleep he gets and is not overtired during the day the better he sleeps at night! But being the youngest we can't be home 24/7 for naps so we do the best we can!

Good luck, you are doing an aweome job! And sorry for such a long comment lol!

Miss Mac said...

CIO sent us backwards and I am mad at myself for even trying it. We're pretty much singing the same non-sleep story here but ours takes place in our bed when he wakes first. Too shall pass... that's my motto about sleep, until then we'll just all toss & turn together:) good luck, sorry no help as we have similar issues! Caffeine...

Jessah said...

Uh oh. I used to think it would be no prob for me to let my baby CIO. Looks like I might be in for a rude awakening. Sorry you're struggling honey. Hang in there.

annie said...

Amber has the answer: time. I've done everything from sleeping on his floor with my hand in the crib to surrendering and letting him sleep on me for the rest of the night.

The good news is that you never hear about 15 year olds who cry through the night. The end is somewhere. Hope you're near it!