The Supercuts Baby

Months ago I did a post on a haircut experience I had. I was ranting about the girl who cut my hair at the local Supercuts. She was going on and on about how she is pregnant but wasn't sure who the baby daddy was. Special, right? Well after I left there I was fuming. Because it made me so upset that this girl was so careless and comfortable about the fact that she didn't know who her baby's father was. I swore I'd never go back there to get my haircut. I only went to this supercuts because it was nearby and inexpensive. But I still swore I'd never go back there, mainly because I didn't want to see this girl again. Well, today...I went back. Out of pure convenience and laziness. I needed a haircut (badly) and this place was just going to have to do. I walked in and there she was, now with a very round belly. She was as friendly as could be, but I was praying that I'd get somebody else. Nope. Fate stepped in and we were once again matched up. The mirror in her booth was covered with blue baby decorations. They must have recently had a shower for her there. She was very friendly and was chatting it up. Telling me about how her boyfriend is great at chess as her giant baby belly brushed against my hair-collecting smock. Ahhh, I thought. She must have figured out who the baby daddy was. Then an older man came in for a haircut and was talking to her about when her due date was, etc. And all the sudden, I started to feel happy for her. She's due at the end of the month. And while she cut my hair and made it cute, I daydreamed about how excited she must be, what she might be naming him and all the cute stuff she probably has waiting for him in the nursery she decorated. I was no longer annoyed or fuming at her and her baby belly. I was at peace with it, even though she was kind of a dumb-ass months ago, blabbing to customers that she didn't know who the father was. I'm happy for her now. Don't even know her name, but I wish her the best. Her life is about to change for the better in a few weeks. And hope she enjoys every blissful second of it. She totally chopped my hair off. It was getting really long and I was so sick of it, so I told her to cut it short. The way she styled it came out really cute, but I know I won't be able to replicate it!!

Good luck to you Supercuts girl and baby. I hope to never see you on Jerry Springer :)

"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." ~Langston Hughes

What's Next?

I want to start off by sending a BIG congrats to Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde!!! Just this week they were able to finally bring home their adopted baby blessing! A beautiful baby girl! Congrats to them, they sure do deserve this happiness!! :)

Today was my dreaded colonoscopy! And I am SO glad it's over. Everything went fine and it was just as everyone said it would be that the prep would be the worst part. I was freaking out about the anesthesia and the procedure itself, but it all turned out to be ok. I came home...ate something...and napped for about 3 hours! By the time I woke up I was so confused as to if it was morning or night. As far as the dr could tell, everything is fine. He did take two biopsies, but said I didn't appear to have Crohn's disease. Which is good news! But honestly, a small part of me was hoping for a different answer. I mean I DO NOT want to have crohns disease, but I thought if I did maybe it would provide some answers to my infertility. Because I have heard Crohns can effect that. But I am very thankful that all these tests and procedures are coming back negative. Maybe things are finally starting to turn around for us...

I'm starting to think about "What's next?" in the baby makin department. I really want get us going again with treatments, now that some of my health concerns have been kicked to the curb. I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning. Negative :( I remember when I was at the GI dr I asked the nurse if they do colonoscopys on pregnant women and she said no, that it can cause complications. So I wanted to just check and make sure before the procedure today, and of course I'm not pregnant. AF should be making her lovely arrival anyday now...

I think our plan is going to be to just use OPK's for this next cycle, save some money and prepare for another injectibles cyle with an IUI for the end of February. Seems so far away :( But at least we are getting some kind of plan together.

Remember a few posts ago when I mentioned we might be moving, due to financial stuff and our poor dog getting killed out front? Well, it's happening. And we are so relieved. We found a nice apt in a nearby town, that is almost half of what we are paying now. We really are doing this to better our financial situation. Less stress and we can finally start saving some money to do fun things, pay off bills and save to make and or adopt a baby. Plus, hubby may be getting a new job at some point with the town we are moving to, and if that happens, we have to live there. So this move will be good for us.

Time to lay back down. Still feeling a little tired and groggy from today.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend :)


"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; And for everything you gain you lose something else. It is about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice."

Birthday Girl

Today is my Nana's 89th birthday! :) Amazing. I was thinking today what it must feel like to be 89 and to have experienced and seen so many things change in 89 years! That's a long time! We are praying that she makes it to 90. We will definitely be having a big birthday bash for her next year. God willing. We went down to her house today for a birthday lunch. She was too cute with her balloon and birthday girl crown. Old people are so cute :)

We also went to pick up Nole's ashes at the emergency vet today :( He's in a little black urn (sp?) and there's a spot up on top where we can put a picture. They also gave us a paw print and a clipping of his hair :( It's all so surreal that he's in an urn now and not alive and here with us. So sad. We haven't decided yet if we want to bury him at my parents or keep in with us in the urn. I just wouldn't like the idea of my parents moving someday and Nole being left behind. So I don't know what we are going to do yet. We have till the spring anyways when the ground thaws.

Got some good news this week! A bunch of my tests came back negative, which is a HUGE relief. I still have the colonoscopy to get through next Friday, and I have high anxiety about it! But I know I just have to do it. It's not the prep or the actual procedure that scares me, it's the anesthesia! I've never had an IV one before so for some reason I'm really scared of it. So once that is over we can maybe start thinking about getting back on board the baby train. And figuring out what our next move is going to be.

I found out this week that I'm changing classrooms at work :( Kind of bummed about it because I love my kids and the people I work with. But another teacher is leaving and they need me to fill that spot. It'll be fine once I get adjusted, but I'm just kind of sad about it for now.

Today on our drive down to my Nana's, I saw a sign that caught my attention. It was a McDonald's billboard that had an iced coffee on it and it said "If Caramel and Ice had a kid." And I thought to myself (with sarcasm), "What if Caramel and Ice are infertile, what then Mickey D's??!!" :) I'm officially losing it I think...

And then on our way home we drove by a beautiful old church and the sign out front read. " Every child is a blessing from God." And I thought to myself (with an ache in my heart), "Heck yeah, it is."

It turned out to be him...

A few posts ago I was talking about how I had this horrible fear that I would lose someone close to me before I had a baby. And at the time I was thinking, someone human. Not someone furry, with four legs who was always overflowing with love. It turned out to be my puppy who left us. And it's a heartache that is going to take awhile to heal. He wasn't supposed to die. Not now. He was supposed to watch over our babies and grow up with them and be their protector. And later in life, our family would have to put him down because he was old and sick and lived a full wonderful life. Like the scene from Marley and Me . After Christmas, I was already loving the idea of next year's Christmas card with Nole AND a baby on it. That was the hope talking. Fantasies of a fuller family next Christmas. And sadly, one part of our family was taken from us this past week. It's really really hard...

I'm in a weird place right now. We haven't even slept in our bedroom since last week when Nole died. Nole loved sleeping in the bedroom, his bed was in there and he also came right in and layed down when we said "bedtime nole." And it's where every morning he would wake my husband up first and then after he left for work, Nole would come over to my side and nuzzle his nose in my face and put his paw up on the bed. It's just hard not to have that anymore. I absolutely hate getting ready in the morning because it used to revolve around Nole and letting him out and feeding him and making sure he was all set before we left for work. And now there's nothing. I'm so happy to go to work, where I don't have to look around an empty house and feel sad that he's no longer there. We had a little radio that we left on for him when we went to work, and now we shoved it away in a closet because I couldn't bare to look at it.

We've been looking online for Goldie adoption clinics and different shelters for when we are ready for a new furry family member. But it's with mixed emotion. My heart melts at the goldie pups I see online and I just want to go scoop them up. But then I also feel bad, like I would be "replacing" Nole. It's only been a week and I'm still grieving. We do know we want another Goldie puppy in the near future though. Hubby made me laugh saying we could name it "elon." Which is Nole backwards. This gave me a much needed laugh :) We have this "name game" that we play where we come up with ridiculous names for our future kids. And it never gets old :) Always has me rolling on the floor laughing...


I have a confession to make. On Saturday I looked up a few adoption agencies online. Not for a "fur" baby but for a human baby. I just felt this overwhelming need to check it out. So I ordered some information to be mailed to us. We are not thinking seriously about it yet, but I wanted some reading material on Adoption. I feel like the odds would be against us in adoption too. I may have some serious health issues going on and our financial situation isn't wonderful. So who would give a kid to us?? That's how I feel anyways. I feel discouraged about it. But I'm still really interested in learning more about adoption...

Tonight, I am just trying to escape it all by giving into my addiction of The Bachelor :)

Broken Dreams

I found this poem over at the blog The Infertility Monster...

As children bring their
broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken
dreams to God, because
He was my friend.
But then, instead of
leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and
tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them
back and cried,"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

Nole

(Nole on the first day I got him)

It's safe to say that I already hate 2011. Last Tuesday evening our beloved dog, Nole, was tragically hit by a car and killed. He wasn't just a dog. He was my baby. He was our baby. And we are feeling so much pain right now and missing him terribly. We both don't think we've ever felt this kind of heartache before. Having a miscarriage was really hard, but for some reason this tragedy has taken over everything. Nole was the sweetest, most lovable pup. And he had a great personality. I'm not going to get into exactly what happened, but we saw the whole thing and it felt like an absolute nightmare. I'm surprised our screams and cries weren't heard across the whole state. I can honestly say that last Tuesday evening was the worst day of my life so far. We are really having a hard time with him being gone. He was only 3 years old. Just a baby still. He didnt deserve to die and didn't deserve to die like that. We are seriously considering moving. We had been playing with the idea for awhile because of our financial situation. And it has been really stressful. Now with what happened with Nole, it pushed us over the edge in terms of making a decision to leave. Everywhere we turn we see Nole, and from every window in the house we can look out and see him getting hit all over again. And we hate that. It's gonna be hard for awhile. We are struggling with God right now, because we feel like he just keeps taking and taking and taking from us. We are beaten and bruised and it just seems like everytime we start healing from something, something else even worse happens.

(Don't worry I didn't make him wear clothes, I just had to put this on for a picture because it was so cute)

I know this is life and I know awful things happen. But we really need some good things right now. We need things to turn around for us. We have been getting a lot of "signs" from Nole that he is ok. That's all I want is to know that he is in doggie heaven and happy and playing and chasing balls as he so loved to do. Two friends of mine, K & S, sent us a package in the mail yesterday with a daisy plant, a cute teddy bear and a balloon. And there was a quote in the card, that read " If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

(Nole in Hawaii, with his first bff Ducky)


And that's the truth. When it's my time someday, I want to go where Nole is. And I want to see him running up to me with the same love he always showed us. I really can't believe this happened. I'm just hoping our hearts will heal from this soon.

He was loved by so many and I hope he knows that. I hope he knows just how much we loved him. I remember earlier in the day on Tuesday, Nole was laying on his back with his paws in the air (he loved having his belly rubbed) and I stopped and rubbed his belly and said "Mommy loves you." And hours later, he was gone from our lives. Unbelievable. And unfair.
(Nole's bday party in Hawaii)




I have so many pictures of Nole, but the ones I posted today are from when he was a puppy. Along with grieving Nole's death, I'm dealing with a lot of health issues. Baby makin' has been put on the back burner until I am healthy again. Along with infertility, I am now dealing with major GI issues, and possible liver problems. I'm having more tests done soon. 2011 has not been a good year so far. Everyone keeps telling us there's no where to go but up when we've hit rock bottom. I really hope that's true...

Goodbye my sweet dog, we will always love you and always miss you...

This year...

I wasn't really feeling up to blogging today, but for some reason I can't let the first day of the new year go by without a post. Just wouldn't feel right. I can honestly say that I will not miss 2010. What hubby and I did walk away with this past year was a wonderful wedding and the start of a beautiful marriage. And for that we are so blessed and grateful. However, 2010 had it share of sadness. It's easy on the first day of the new year to feel like there is a fresh start, a new beginning, a new injection of hope into us. But I'm still feeling pretty sad and stuck. I think last night may have been the first time (ever) that I didn't watch the ball drop. Hubby and I decided to have a quiet night in. We got Cheesecake Factory takeout, had some champagne and started to watch a movie. But halfway in we both were falling asleep! All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep for a long time. So we did. And missed the midnight excitement. It had been a long and lovely last day of 2010. I ended up in the ER with (tmi) a lot of GI bleeding, combined with the light headed-ness and headaches that I had been getting all week. Plus, I have been extra tired. So we headed to the ER and my mom met us there. Five hours later I was released but still feeling kind of crappy. So our new years eve night in was just fine for us. I am okay, but it looks like I am going to have to bite the bullet and get a colonoscopy done within the next two weeks. I'm terrified of anestesia. I've heard the procedure is nothing, but just the anxiety of being knocked out is making me nuts. Oh well, I have to do it. All signs are pointing to that I might have Crohn's disease. So, thank you 2010 for going out like that. It was really special...

I took a pregnancy test today. Negative. Why I took it? Not really sure. I guess with all the symptoms I had been having the past few weeks and the fact that my period was a little lighter and shorter this month, made me just want to check. I'm sure the ER checked my blood for pregnancy yesterday, but I didn't ask. And I thought maybe the first day of the new year would have some magic in it and give us a wonderful surprise.

Part of me is really hopeful and excited for 2011 and what it might bring. And part of me is absolutely terrified of another year passing and possibly no baby or baby on the way. It is so scary. I wish I could just see the future somehow, so I could tell myself to calm down and relax that it will happen this year for us. But I can't I just have to keep trying and hoping and praying.

I go through these phases where I'm excited and hopeful and have a "nothing will keep me down" attitude. And then other times I'm just sad and done with infertility and done with blogging. Which is kind of where I'm at right now. I know things will change, but I just have to let myself feel what I'm feeling. And get through it.

It is becoming harder though to see so many people around me having babies and getting pregnant and just plain happy. We want that so badly. We want our turn to come. I have this fear too of losing people close to me before we have a baby. It probably sounds rididulous, but it's true. I'm terrified about that.

I didn't even listen to my favorite version of the "Auld Lang Syne" song. My favorite is the one they play on the Sex and the City movie. I forgot who sings it but I have it on a mixed cd somewhere. That scene in the movie always makes me cry.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2011. And that all your hopes and dreams come true, whatever they may be. Big or small, serious or silly. I hope they come to life.

And I hope this year, is THE year for us :)