It turned out to be him...

A few posts ago I was talking about how I had this horrible fear that I would lose someone close to me before I had a baby. And at the time I was thinking, someone human. Not someone furry, with four legs who was always overflowing with love. It turned out to be my puppy who left us. And it's a heartache that is going to take awhile to heal. He wasn't supposed to die. Not now. He was supposed to watch over our babies and grow up with them and be their protector. And later in life, our family would have to put him down because he was old and sick and lived a full wonderful life. Like the scene from Marley and Me . After Christmas, I was already loving the idea of next year's Christmas card with Nole AND a baby on it. That was the hope talking. Fantasies of a fuller family next Christmas. And sadly, one part of our family was taken from us this past week. It's really really hard...

I'm in a weird place right now. We haven't even slept in our bedroom since last week when Nole died. Nole loved sleeping in the bedroom, his bed was in there and he also came right in and layed down when we said "bedtime nole." And it's where every morning he would wake my husband up first and then after he left for work, Nole would come over to my side and nuzzle his nose in my face and put his paw up on the bed. It's just hard not to have that anymore. I absolutely hate getting ready in the morning because it used to revolve around Nole and letting him out and feeding him and making sure he was all set before we left for work. And now there's nothing. I'm so happy to go to work, where I don't have to look around an empty house and feel sad that he's no longer there. We had a little radio that we left on for him when we went to work, and now we shoved it away in a closet because I couldn't bare to look at it.

We've been looking online for Goldie adoption clinics and different shelters for when we are ready for a new furry family member. But it's with mixed emotion. My heart melts at the goldie pups I see online and I just want to go scoop them up. But then I also feel bad, like I would be "replacing" Nole. It's only been a week and I'm still grieving. We do know we want another Goldie puppy in the near future though. Hubby made me laugh saying we could name it "elon." Which is Nole backwards. This gave me a much needed laugh :) We have this "name game" that we play where we come up with ridiculous names for our future kids. And it never gets old :) Always has me rolling on the floor laughing...


I have a confession to make. On Saturday I looked up a few adoption agencies online. Not for a "fur" baby but for a human baby. I just felt this overwhelming need to check it out. So I ordered some information to be mailed to us. We are not thinking seriously about it yet, but I wanted some reading material on Adoption. I feel like the odds would be against us in adoption too. I may have some serious health issues going on and our financial situation isn't wonderful. So who would give a kid to us?? That's how I feel anyways. I feel discouraged about it. But I'm still really interested in learning more about adoption...

Tonight, I am just trying to escape it all by giving into my addiction of The Bachelor :)