Saturday, January 1, 2011

This year...

I wasn't really feeling up to blogging today, but for some reason I can't let the first day of the new year go by without a post. Just wouldn't feel right. I can honestly say that I will not miss 2010. What hubby and I did walk away with this past year was a wonderful wedding and the start of a beautiful marriage. And for that we are so blessed and grateful. However, 2010 had it share of sadness. It's easy on the first day of the new year to feel like there is a fresh start, a new beginning, a new injection of hope into us. But I'm still feeling pretty sad and stuck. I think last night may have been the first time (ever) that I didn't watch the ball drop. Hubby and I decided to have a quiet night in. We got Cheesecake Factory takeout, had some champagne and started to watch a movie. But halfway in we both were falling asleep! All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep for a long time. So we did. And missed the midnight excitement. It had been a long and lovely last day of 2010. I ended up in the ER with (tmi) a lot of GI bleeding, combined with the light headed-ness and headaches that I had been getting all week. Plus, I have been extra tired. So we headed to the ER and my mom met us there. Five hours later I was released but still feeling kind of crappy. So our new years eve night in was just fine for us. I am okay, but it looks like I am going to have to bite the bullet and get a colonoscopy done within the next two weeks. I'm terrified of anestesia. I've heard the procedure is nothing, but just the anxiety of being knocked out is making me nuts. Oh well, I have to do it. All signs are pointing to that I might have Crohn's disease. So, thank you 2010 for going out like that. It was really special...

I took a pregnancy test today. Negative. Why I took it? Not really sure. I guess with all the symptoms I had been having the past few weeks and the fact that my period was a little lighter and shorter this month, made me just want to check. I'm sure the ER checked my blood for pregnancy yesterday, but I didn't ask. And I thought maybe the first day of the new year would have some magic in it and give us a wonderful surprise.

Part of me is really hopeful and excited for 2011 and what it might bring. And part of me is absolutely terrified of another year passing and possibly no baby or baby on the way. It is so scary. I wish I could just see the future somehow, so I could tell myself to calm down and relax that it will happen this year for us. But I can't I just have to keep trying and hoping and praying.

I go through these phases where I'm excited and hopeful and have a "nothing will keep me down" attitude. And then other times I'm just sad and done with infertility and done with blogging. Which is kind of where I'm at right now. I know things will change, but I just have to let myself feel what I'm feeling. And get through it.

It is becoming harder though to see so many people around me having babies and getting pregnant and just plain happy. We want that so badly. We want our turn to come. I have this fear too of losing people close to me before we have a baby. It probably sounds rididulous, but it's true. I'm terrified about that.

I didn't even listen to my favorite version of the "Auld Lang Syne" song. My favorite is the one they play on the Sex and the City movie. I forgot who sings it but I have it on a mixed cd somewhere. That scene in the movie always makes me cry.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2011. And that all your hopes and dreams come true, whatever they may be. Big or small, serious or silly. I hope they come to life.

And I hope this year, is THE year for us :)


Anonymous said...

Give me a call if you want to talk about the colonoscopy and the GI stuff. I have some tips that might help you through the process.

Though this is good news and bad news...but having a Crohn's disease can affect fertility. If you are having a flare-up it can make it harder to conceive according to all the information I read when I was first diagnosed.

I only saw this is a good news because if they figure out you have Crohn's (which I hope you don't) then maybe once you start getting treated for could help with getting pregnant. I guess I mean...maybe you can uncover a stumbling block that you did not know you had.

Not sure if that came out right...but hopefully you know what I am trying to say...

Thinking about you....


Moe said...

Awwww I will be thinking of you with having to undergo the anesthesia. I don't blame you for being nervous about it - that is scary stuff.

Dan has Crohn's disease - so I'll be praying for you during this time of waiting!!! Hopefully you don't have it - but if you do I hope the doctors will be able to help you manage it really well.

Here's to a much better 2011