Digital Dislike

So I awoke at 4am this morning having to pee like a race horse. Is that expression even true about race horses and having to pee a lot? Hmmm. Will Google later. Anyways, so I stumbled to the bathroom, half asleep and cracked open the digital tests I bought yesterday. I had a Target gift card and it was only $9.99 for two CBE digital tests, which I thought wasn't too bad. I haven't taken a digital pregnancy test in a long time, and I forgot how painful it is to actually see the words "Not Pregnant" appear. I was so sad. Today is Day 42 of my cycle and I was holding onto this sliver of hope that somehow I was actually pregnant. CBE should really come up with more creative ways to break the bad news. Instead of "Not Pregnant" it should say something like, " I'm so sorry, but it didn't happen this time. I know you would really like to throw me across the room right now, but please don't shoot the messenger. Someday I will tell you that you are pregnant. Just keep trying and hold onto hope girl." And then it should serve you a delicious hot beverage with whipped cream or something. Maybe I'll write the CBE people and have them get to work on that. I'd love to start a pregnancy test business for infertiles. Where each one is like a fortune cookie. When it's positive it says something fun and cute and when it's negative it says something encouraging. So, who wants to go into business with me??? :)




So, yeah, not pregnant. The digitals are like the mother of all pregnancy tests (besides a blood test) so I guess I have to trust that it worked correctly. I had trouble going back to sleep after that, and when I finally did I had really crazy detailed dreams.

I'm kind of bummed out today. I got slapped in the face by CBE, no sign of AF arriving soon (today is day 42!), and we are unsure of what our next step can be. I wish I planted a money tree long ago :) Then we could just go ahead with IVF. We could try to take out a loan, but honestly we are not in financial position right now where a bank would even give us a loan. Moving to this new place will loosen up some money for us, so maybe then we could work something out. But right now it just seems to out of reach. And it makes me feel really helpless and sad. This is our family we are talking about here. The most important thing ever. What I would like to do is start another injectible cycle with an IUI whenever AF shows. And then if that doesn't work, start preparing for IVF. I've mentioned it before, but I just have this feeling that IVF is the only thing that is going to work for us. Not trying to be negative, but it's just a strong feeling I have. But in reality, once AF does show, we can only afford to do another clomid cycle with trigger and IUI. And it's hard to be hopeful with that, because I've exhausted my chances with Clomid. After 8 or so tries, I think that's telling me something. But I'd rather try something than nothing.

Today kind of burst my positive energy bubble. Boo to that. My nails were looking horrific so I used a gift certificate that my mom gave me and went and got a manicure. It was so relaxing. I'm going to call and set up an appt to get my first EVER massage at this nice spa around here. My girlfriends gave me a gift certificate for it months ago and I still haven't used it. Yes, I've never had a professional massage before. It always creeped me out the thought of a stranger rubbing all over me. But now I know I NEED a massage. I carry all my stress in my shoulders and back. My body is literally telling to get a professional massage! So, I'm gonna :)

I wish my blurry eyed 4am digital experiment had turned out different. But I guess I'm just going to have to trust that this is all part of the plan.

A bigger plan.

Art

I took my new friend "C's" spiritual advice and found the perfect frame for my ultrasound picture. She thought it would be good for me to frame it and look at it and appreciate the art that it is. She called it art. And I never looked at it like that before. I know some people may think " WEIRDO! Why are you framing an ultrasound picture of a baby you lost?" But truthfully, I don't care what other people think. Framing my first ever ultrasound picture, already has me feeling a bit better. I was going to frame it anyways when I first received it, so why should that stop me just because I never got to hold that baby in my arms. From the moment I got a positive pregnancy test, I knew it was a boy. I just felt it. Something was strongly telling me that the baby was a boy. So, today I took out the "baby box" I've been holding onto and looked through it. Inside it were the following items:

-The tiniest Mets hat ever made.
-The Mets bib that I gave to my husband when I told him the news.
-The ultrasound picture with the most beautiful baby blob.
-A dried out rose my husband gave me the day after we miscarried.
-An angel pin the hospital gave us.
-Brochures for support groups for people who have lost a baby.
-A pink and blue (infertility) ribbon that I wore last year during Infertility Awareness Week.
-And two positive pregnancy tests. Yeah, I know "Ewww you kept something you peed on?!" Sure did. What's even more shocking is that they each still had two bright pink lines. From what I read, those are supposed to fade. Doesn't it say that on the box? But they are still there. Four bright pink lines.

I had some trouble finding the perfect frame for this picture. It's small so I needed a really small frame. But I wanted the frame to be pretty and mean something. I looked in Target, Marshall's and then finally I looked in TJ Maxx. Didn't see anything that jumped out at me. Then as I was in line at the registers at TJ Maxx, I saw a small stand with random frames on it. All different shapes, sizes and designs. Most of them had clearance stickers on them because they were cracked or had some other imperfection. And then I saw the back of a small frame and something told me to pick it up and check out the front. "Probably cracked too" I thought to myself. I turned the frame around and to my surprise, PERFECTION :) And in my eyes, not a coincidence...



(Don't worry, that clump of bright light in the background isn't our carpet on fire. We have a fake tree/plant that we keep white lights on year round.)


PS-Day 41. DAY 41!!! It's becoming almost funny to me. Thinking back, I do remember skipping a period one time and after the miscarriage I skipped a month too. So this could be one of those times. But it's so weird. Still no spotting. No preggo symptoms, at least from what I can tell. I'm gonna call the RE on Monday. I'm pretty sure the anesthesia is to blame, because I was supposed to get my period that day I had the procedure (or close to it) and I bet the timing of that with the anesthesia has my body in "What the hell?" mode.

I need a new dress...

For the red carpet. I feel like James Franco just called me and told me I'd be sitting next to Tom Hanks at the Oscars. And that I'm invited to Anne Hathaway's Oscar after party. A heartwarming THANK YOU, to Christa over at the blog I Can't Control Everything, for my first blog award EVER :) Please forgive me, I couldn't get the link to work. But please check out her awesome blog and the amazing news she just received :) I have had a blog since 2008, two different ones, but both infertility related. And this is my first award. It made me smile!!



It really is amazing that there are people out there who not only enjoy reading my crazies, but who also cheer me on and give me support and smiles when I need it the most. This blog community is my therapy. I consider you all dear friends. I have cried with you, laughed with you, been pissed about something with you, been over the moon happy for you and most all, I feel for you. There are very few times in life, where you can truly say " I know how you feel." So, thank you Christa and everyone else out there who knows how I feel :)

And now, to share the love...

Here's how this works:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award (Thanks Christa!)
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving
4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award

7 things about me:

1) I despise mayonnaise. Always have, always will. The look of it and the smell of it makes me want to vomit. Seriously. I eat sandwiches dry. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "You don't put anything on that?" Nope. Nothing. :)

2) When I was younger I loved to dance. I took tap, ballet, and jazz for about ten years. My dream at one point was to be a background dancer for big artists like Beyonce or J-Lo :) I remember in fifth grade I did a solo dance routine (in the school talent show) to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake." I thought I rocked it. But that was back before the "OMG I just totally embarrassed myself" part of my brain worked :) Dancing is like riding a bike for me. I'll never forget how to do it. Even though it's been years since I took lessons, I can still dish out a mean shuffle ball change and buffalo step.

3) I have ridden on a U.S. Navy submarine. A real one, that submerges and goes places. Since I'm not a fan of deep dark water, I was pretty much freaking out. But then I realized, this is pretty cool. Smells weird from this chemical they mix with the oxygen for the sailors, but overall it was a great experience.

4) When I was 18 I attempted ("attempted" as in I was doing it for five minutes already before anyone said anything) to use nail polish remover on an airplane. This also goes into the "Where was my brain category." It was one of those jars of pretty nails remover and my mom and I were flying to Cancun. As my graduation gift from high school, she and I went on this trip together. So I needed to remove my old polish and put on new polish, so I figured since we were in a rush to get to the airport I would just do it on the plane. I really can't believe I did that. Was I on drugs? I think my mom warned me that it was potent and I shouldn't be doing it, but I was 18 and stupid apparently. Minutes later, some lady asked me if I would put it away. LOL! Wow. I am actually really ashamed to admit this little fact about myself.

5) I am addicted to Coca-Cola. Love it. Not diet, not Coke Zero, but the old school Coca-Cola. And I'm secretly scared that they still put cocaine in it! If that rumor was ever true.

6) I have seen the movies Sleepless in Seattle and Serendipity at least 4 million times. Ok, I may be exaggerating. But it's close I tell you!

7) I am equally terrified and in awe of sharks and the paranormal (AKA ghost stories).


And now to award some of my fellow blog girls! And as I understand I can't give an award to someone who already has this award.

Forgive me again about the links, I can't get them to work :(

1) Jennifer over at The Brulliotts
2) Waiting for Baby over at Adventures in Babymaking
3) Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde
4) Lonelily over at How to Lose a Guy in 7 Years
5) Ashley over at A Ruby Family
6) Faith over at Nurture Your Hopes
7) Moe over at A Million Margaritas
8) CGD over at Adventures in Infertility-Land
9) Jenny over at Jendometriosis
10) Amber over at Our Stork Isn't Great With Directions

Still no AF. Day 40, people, day 40...

I'm thinking about calling my RE, but we have been on a break for two months. I thought my next call to them would be to set up my day one baseline stuff. I think I'm going to give it one more week. And if there's nothing still I'll call the RE. Or...buy an $$$ pregnancy test...

Where art thou?

I got nothin'. AF still isn't here. And I miscalculated yesterday with my CD, today is cycle day 39. Yes, you read that right...thirty-freakin-nine! It's so weird. I don't have cramps all day but then after I eat dinner, I get really crampy. And they definitely feel like AF cramps. But then they are gone. I'm not sure if I've ever had this long of cycle before. Possibly. But I haven't always charted my cycles. Sometimes it takes awhile to get here, but there is always spotting beforehand. So, I'm still in the wait and see...

I was just watching Entertainment Tonight, and there was a boat load of celebrity pregnancy/baby announcements. Wow. Stings. I'm not sure why it stings, I don't know these people. But I think it might be because they live these glamorous lives and are swimming in money and now they are blessed with babies. I'm not saying they don't deserve motherhood or anything, but it just stings. The media makes it sound so light and easy, like the celebrity walked into Baby Gap and became pregnant. Although, I know that's not the case for some of them. I'm sure some of them have struggled, too.

One of the little girls in my class, threw up on my hand today. Yup. :) That's a little random fact from my day that I thought I'd share...

Positive thoughts for the day:
-We have an official move date! The weekend of Valentine's Day. What better way to show your love, right?
-I did a short online meditation last night. It was tough to focus, but at least I tried.
-I love my husband. And I really love laughing with him. But I really REALLY love that we can laugh together, even when times are tough.
-The weekend is almost here!


“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
~Frederick Keonig

A Letter to Aunt Flow

Dear AF,

I'm really trying to discard my negative energy to this whole process, but you are making it wicked hard to do that at this moment. Today is cycle day 37 and I'm really curious to know WHERE THE EFF ARE YOU?! I've been having moderate cramps for the past few days on and off, so I know you must be en route. Right? No other sign yet though, no usual spotting...nothing. And as you probably planned it, I was a sucker and took two pregnancy tests this week, which came back neg-o. Usually getting a neg-o result makes you appear like magic. So what's up? Is it stress that's causing your delay? Did you miss the bus? Let me know what I can do to help you arrive here. Is it possible the anesthesia I received last Friday has you confused? Maybe I'll Google that. I really would like to stop thinking there is a small possibility that the tests were a false negative, so please put me out of my misery. Plus, we would like to start on our next monitored/medicated cycle.

Please and thank you,
Sarah Jane

Bye-Bye, negative energy...

First off, I realized that I am on cycle day 36! Wow, where is AF?? Took another test this morning, because I was feeling pretty crappy all night. Sadly, it was negative. I made the decision(where AF does come to town) that I want to start another medicated/monitored with this next cycle. I don't want to wait anymore. We took a short break, it didn't happen and now we just want to move on. We can't afford an injectible cycle right now, so I think we might do a clomid cycle, with a trigger shot and an IUI. It feels good to have a plan. And it feels good to be hopeful.

So for anyone that's interested in knowing how last night went with the psychic circle type thing, IT WENT AMAZING :) The psychics we met with were super cool chicks! I know there are a lot of people out there who don't believe in this stuff, but my friend and I DEFINITELY do :) It was such a good night and it felt more like a really special (and much needed) therapy session. We didn't end up doing the ritual blessing type thing, because they decided that when we do get pregnant they are going to come back and bless the babies. We talked a lot about meditation, diet, and taking our energy in a more positive direction. I really do need to have a different energy output towards infertility. And I'm going to try really hard. Things have not been great, and unhappy things have occurred, and I'm letting all that negative energy way me down and make it hard for any new life to want to grow within me. I told them about the box I have with the ultrasound picture and the baby mets stuff, along with other things. And they suggested I frame the ultrasound picture. Which, I am going to do. One of the psychics also got in touch with two very special women who were in my life. A great-grandmother and a very special aunt. And a few details she gave me about them, we're shocking, in a good way. She also mentioned that they both were showing this outpouring of love towards me. The whole process was just amazing to me. And I left there feeling good about things again...

My mom gave me a card a few weeks ago (after Nole died) and it was so cute that I wanted to share it with you all. The card had a sparkly fairy on the front with a magic wand. And it read..."If I could, I'd find a fairy Godmother with a magical wand and combat boots so that she could grant your wishes and kick the crap outta anything that tried to get in the way of your happiness."

But after last night, according to the psychic, I already have two :)

Eat. Pray. Love.....Chant?

I watched the movie Eat. Pray. Love. last night. Didn't read the book, but I liked the movie. My mom got it on Netflix and let us borrow it. Definitely, would say it was a "chick flick" as my hubby passed out within the first five minutes of the movie. For anyone that has seen it, I am seriously considering making a "baby box" and putting it under my bed like Julia Robert's friend did in the movie. Sort of kidding, sort of not. I'm all for special tricks, fertility statues, fertility symbols, prayer, anything that might help. Which is whyyyy, I'm going over to my friend's house tomorrow night for some type of psychic/Indian fertility ritual/healing circle excitement. Not exactly sure what is going to occur there, but we are very excited about it. My friend is also struggling to get pregnant and we are willing to try anything here. She has a friend who is actually a psychic and she asked if we would want to try some type of fertility ritual. And we said HELL YEAH :) So we'll see what happens! My friend and I have been joking about sacrificing a goat while chanting tomorrow night. Seriously, just joking. :) So I will let you all know how it turns out!

My mom got me The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo for Christmas. You read one entry a day. And it has a quote and a meaningful message in each one. I'm really enjoying it. It only takes a minute to read, and so far I'm loving every entry. I definitely recommend going out and buying it. Today's quote was...

"If you want to be truly understood, you need to say everything three times, in three different ways. Once for each ear...and once for the heart."
~Paula Underwood Spencer