Saturday, June 12, 2010

Lights out.

Today is exactly six months since the miscarriage. It's been half a year. And everything is not as as I thought it would be. I thought I would feeling a lot better. I thought I would be pregnant again. And I thought I would have eventually got that "light" back in me, after it got so dark...

But it's all still pretty dark. That's the only way to really describe it. I'm just not me anymore. And it sucks. All I'm looking forward to is the wedding and starting this next Femara cycle. Such exciting things ahead, yet I'm still struggling. I'm feeling like some of my family wishes I would just move on or get myself on some drugs to help, but that's not going to happen. I don't want to start taking anything that could negatively effect a pregnancy. So, to quote one of my good friends, " I'm doing to the best I can, because that's all I CAN do."

I am not ungrateful for all the positive things in my life, I just can't believe how much this loss has taken from me. I just want to feel normal again, instead of a zombie. It's so hard to be social. It's so hard to do a lot things I used to.

I know I won't feel like this forever. There's nowhere to go, but up, right? Matt has been so amazing. Thank God for him. :) He's been my candle, my flashlight, my light when I need it...

Next weekend should start a new cycle! :) Hoping for best.


Jennifer said...

Thinking about you Sarah. Hope the lights become at least a bit brighter. Hoping and praying this cycle brings nothing but happiness! ((HUGS))

Tabatha said...

I have been keeping my fingers crossed for you all along and will continue until I hear that it is ok to stop. When I saw you the other day it hit me just how different this whole experienced has caused you to be. I am so sad for you but know that this all will turn around for you. I can feel it.

Fingers crossed and saying a prayer,
All my love,