Today.

Unfortunately, I don't have any good news to share with you today. My blood test this morning confirmed that there isn't a baby in my belly. I took a home test Saturday morning, which came back negative, but I guess I was holding out for that miracle. I think I knew in my heart all along that this cycle wasn't going to work. I tried hard to think positively the past few weeks, but my heart just kept telling me that is wasn't going to happen. Not right now anyways. I know being sick with this parasite probably played a major role in this BFN, but sadly I think the result would have been the same even if I were healthy. I know that sounds so negative, but I just know deep down that this isn't going to be easy for us. I'm a little surprised with myself that I'm not a giant puddle of tears. Maybe I'm numb. Or maybe I'm just tired of being sad and let down. Overall, I think I'm taking the news relatively well. I think Matt was bracing for the worst, but I'm okay. I was thinking about it today and I thought of the perfect description of this past cycle. This past cycle was like--smiling for the camera even though you know the picture is going to turn out bad. I did everything I was supposed to, I followed directions, I prayed, I begged, I tried to be positive and smile. And today, our picture came out bad...

I slept horrible last night. I couldn't fall asleep (even though I was exhausted) and I had to get up extra early to go in for the bloodwork. When my alarm went off, it woke me up from a bad dream. The kind of dream where you wake up and have to take a minute to think about if it's real or not. My dream was about adoption. It was actually centered at my work. A co-worker of mine had heard of this group of kids abandoned by their parents. Beautiful kids ranging in age from infants to five years old. For some reason the kids were brought to our center to be cleaned up and taken care of, and they were now up for adoption. I heard down the hall that there was one baby boy left. I ran down to the classroom he was in and scooped him up out of his bouncy seat. He was perfect, chubby and had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. The baby boy was smiling at me and I was smiling back. Just then one of my co-workers said, " Ohh Im sorry you are too late. He's already been adopted." I remember my heart sinking in the dream and me saying to the co-worker, " Beyond heartbroken." I put the beautiful baby back in his bouncy seat. And just then, my alarm went off...

That is how I started my day. And it has ended with a BFN and get this...my period. Ironic right? I'm also completed exhausted. I'm still not feeling 100% and work kicked my ass today. I think I'm doing okay though, no tears so far. I am going to try to just keep trucking along. We've decided to take this next cycle off. My body and mind needs a break and with the wedding coming up, I want to be able to put all my energy and happiness into that. Plus, once we are married and I'm on his insurance instead, it will help us out a lot with IF expenses. Next time I think we are going to do Clomid instead and our first IUI.

So, thank you to all our family and friends who cheer us on every month! :) We love you and your support and kind words mean the world to us.

Infertility, on the other hand, we hate you...

Rachel, over at the blog "Rachel's Randomness," wrote this about her loss. A therapist-friend of her's suggested she do this as a healing excerise. And I thought she said it perfectly. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it...

Dear Infertility,

I've never known such hatred, sadness, guilt, and despair since you came into my life. You've ruined everything that I thought I would be. You've taken a toll on my heart, body, and mind. You have broken me. You've put strain on my relationships, and you've pushed resentment and jealousy into my heart. You have turned me into a woman obsessed with wanting what she can't have. You have placed doubt and uncertainty in every aspect of my being. You've hurt so many of us, in turn adding more hurt in my life for the others surrounding me that have to know you. You've shattered so many dreams, and literally made my life a living hell. You've made it difficult for me to find happiness in things that should bring me joy. You've robbed me from sharing motherhood with my sisters and my friends. You've robbed me of myself. Worst of all, once I felt like I had beaten you, you killed my baby. My womb is empty, my arms are empty, and my heart is empty. There is nothing or anyone else to blame, but you. I hate you, infertility. I hate you.

Cabin Fever.

So, I'm sick right?! And I need to force myself to rest and get better. I was able to start the two antibiotics, but I am on day 11 now of stomach "issues." It's lovely. I have a hard time resting when I am home, because I constantly feel like I should be doing something. Cleaning, laundry, CDA homework, wedding stuff, etc. It's hard for me to just do nothing sometimes. Especially since I was put out of work this week. I'm also lacking Vitamin D. It's sunny outside but I'm stuck inside the cave. I didn't realize how much outside time I usually get on a regular workday. We are usually out with the kids twice a day and my job is not a "desk" job. We are constantly on our feet and moving. So, it's been a little hard to make myself stay put and rest. Hopefully, soon these meds will work magic and I'll be able to leave the premises without worrying about my frequent bathroom visits.

I'm a little frustrated with the hospital I work for. It's a great hospital but is sometimes lacking in patient care. I didn't exactly have a great visit to the ER on Tuesday. Granted, no visit to the ER is sunshine and roses, but the nurse and PA I had, kinda sucked. Thank God for my mother. She is a nurse, and she took care of things better than the people who were getting paid to do it. It's not that they weren't nice, but the PA seemed not too confident in her answers and the nurse would stare off into space for what seemed like 20 minutes before answering a simple question. The nicest most effecient person there was the tech, Mike, who hooked up my heart monitor. And I bet he's the lowest guy on the "todem pole" there. Plus, I called today for my lab/culture results and was given the run around. Three times I was disconnected, twice I was put on hold forever and when I finally did get someone, they took my name and told me someone would get back to me. That was this afternoon, and it's now 7:15. I know I'm not the only person they are dealing with, but really people get it together. Now, I still don't know what is exactly wrong with me. I guess it's round two tomorrow of getting to the bottom of things and finding out what took over my body. At least, I lost a little weight. We don't have a scale, but my clothes are a little looser I think.

Last night I tried to give my blog a makeover. I felt it was time for a change. I am not AT ALL good with that type of stuff. I'm creative, just not good with technical stuff. So I was literally sweating trying to change the template. Hopefully, it looks decent to all of you out there. That design wasn't my first choice, but there's no way I'm going back and changing it now. Maybe in a month or two.

I realized today my cycle is ending sooner that I had thought. I don't know why I thought I had more time before AF showed again. But it's creeping up on me. And that's a bummer. Because technically that means the blood test on Monday, isn't that early, like the RE nurse said. Rats. Yes, I just said "rats." I'm probably still going to go ahead with the HPT Sunday morning. I have been having some crazy symptoms. Like sobbing at the drop of a hat. I've always been a little emotional, but wow in the last few days. I can be sobbing in minutes. I saw the end of Marley & Me (which Ive seen a million times) yesterday, and I was hysterically crying. Matt came home from work around the same time and was like " Oh my God, what's wrong?" Yeahhhh. Just watching Marley & Me. Same thing happened with Bride Wars today. Basically, everything is just super heightened in the emotional basketcase category. I've also had the empty stomach feeling a lot. But that could definitely be the friggin parasite living in me. And I have cravings for certain foods and then when I start eating them I want to vomit. I get turned off by foods that I wanted. Plus, my face is breaking out. So we will see. I hate that I already have our plan for the "next" cycle (if need be) layed out. I hate that...

So, that's all folks. I'm trying to get myself better and trying to think positive thoughts for some good news! Just waiting for that bone. Waiting for that break. Waiting for that blessing...

Bones.

Someone please, throw me a bone.

I spent Tuesday in the ER. My symptoms just got worse and I was beside myself. I gave up trying to fight it and decided it was time to go the ER. I probably should have went much sooner. Matt was up North for work, so I called my mom in tears, just wanting to get to the bottom of all this. So, she came to get me and we headed to the ER. Turns out, they think I have a parasite. A PARASITE!!! No I have not been in any jungles recently. That's the first thing you think of when you hear of someone contracting a parasite, " What funky country did they just return from?" But apparently you can get it from anywhere or from anything. My final lab results won't be ready until tomorrow, but they are pretty sure it's a parasite. I had bands in my bloodwork that were consistent with something parasitic. My heartrate and temperature were up, along with the lovely GI bleeding. I have to see a GI doctor after all this is over, because there's a chance I could have Crohn's Disease too. It runs in my family. So, I'm about to start two different antibiotics that will hopefully make me better! I'm also out of work this week because of all this, which is something that I can't afford. But I know my health is the most important thing.

This week wasn't supposed to turn out this way. Before all this sickness started, my focus was on how this cycle was going to turn out come Monday, with my bloodtest. I was hopeful and thinking positively that we may get some good news. But yesterday, when I learned this is probably a parasite, my heart sank. Because what good could a parasite do for a possible baby?? I just know that it might negatively effect how things are "working" inside me. I did explain to the dr and nurse at the ER, that I did just finish a cycle with fertility meds. So, Im sure they tested for that in my bloodwork. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. I really didn't want to know. It's still very early, but I was a little heartbroken that they didn't come running back in the room saying, " You're HCG levels are elevated, congratulations!" Nope. But again, I know. Still early. I had to call my RE to check to see if the two antibiotics I have to take, would be ok with being "possibly" pregnant. One of them is ok, the other one is "iffy". Meaning it's been tested but hasn't been confirmed whether it's bad for a pregnancy or not. Either way, I have to take them. I have to get better. When I called and spoke to the nurse, I had explained to her that I had called twice this past week about how sick I've been and how I thought it was the progesterone. She said, " Oh yeah!" remembering I guess. I could just picture them, putting me on hold and saying " Dr. G?! Crazy on line 2 again!" No, they were actually very helpful. But I felt bad for insisting that they did this to me, with the progesterone. But I guess that was normal of me to think, being that it all started the same day I started the progesterone. When I told the nurse that they think I have a parasite, she sort of gasped and said " Did you tell them you could be pregnant!?" Soooo that sort of freaked me out a bit, but she did say any blood test right now is way too early and that even the one I'm doing on Monday is pretty early. That gave me some hope, even if she was trying to talk me off the ledge.

I just hope I start feeling better soon. I constantly have this starving feeling which I can't kick. I can't keep much in my system. It would be nice if I lost a few pounds threw all this!! I just want to thank my wonderful mother for helping me through all this! I seriously don't know what I would have done without her! Any prayers or "bones" for Monday are greatly appreciated. I'm not going to give up yet.

I noticed it's Baby Week on Discovery Health. I guess I like to torture myself. I watched one episode where woman in England, got pregnant but her baby never made it to her uterus. It grew off her intestines! And miraculously survived. And another one where a 55 yr old woman was a surrogate for her daughter and gave birth to triplets! If there's hope for them, there's hope for us!

The title of our baby show would probably be "From Parasite to Pregnancy." People would watch, right? :)

Enough is Enough.

TMI Warning...

So, when should I be concerned and head to the ER? For seven days now I've had awful stomach problems and spend more time in the bathroom than anywhere else. When I called the RE's office on Thursday, one of their brilliant nurses told me to just eat bananas and drink lots of fluids. There was nothing else I could do she said. Ever since I started the progesterone, I've felt like crap. Literally. I feel disgusting. And tonight I thought my head felt hot so I took my temp and I have a low grade temperature. I can't keep anything in me. Food and drink are going right through me. My muscles ache and I could swear the whites of my eyes are a little yellow. I just took some Tylenol for the fever, but ugh I feel awful. I even took some Immodium today, but that even didn't do anything. How am I going to get through the work week? I called my mom (she's a nurse) to see what she thinks I should do. She think I should just keep forcing liquids and get some rest. Or she said I could go to Urgent Care. But I just received a bill for $70 bucks from them from my last visit when I had Bronchitis. So I'm not thrilled about that option. If I were throwing up too, I would definitely head to the ER. But I hate this waiting it out stuff. And I know I need to take the progesterone, for our hopeful baby to be. See little one what your mommy is already doing for you? :) I'm thinking of calling the RE's office again tomorrow. I just want to get some better answers and I want to know if this is normal or a severe side effect. I mean if we do have a baby to be cookin' it can't be good that I'm this dehydrated I would think. Would it be rude to ask for a different nurse, if they give me the same one to talk to tomorrow? I don't really give a crap.

No pun intended.

The Good with the Bad.

I'm having a hard time with a few people in my life understanding me and what I'm going through. And it makes me really really sad. I thought the whole point of having family and friends, is so that when you are at your shittiest point...they accept you and understand or pretend to understand, even if the don't. Because I know that if any one one of them, were going through a bad time, I would definitely give them what they need. Whether it's support, space, time alone to heal. I've made it known that I am not as social as I used to be. I am still hurting from losing our baby back in December and it's taken a toll on me in so many ways. Yes, I go to work, yes I love my soon to be husband, yes I attend all the "important" family functions, yes I have a wedding to plan that I'm very excited about. I'm still functioning on a decent level. And that's all I can do right now. I may not be a ball of fun, but I still love and care about my family and friends. And for once I'm taking care of ME. Just the comments and jabs I get sometimes, about not hanging out or going here and there, hurt...really badly. All my life, it's been about pleasing everyone else and saying "yes" to everything. And for the first time, I'm saying "No" and doing what I need to do for myself. Losing that baby has changed me, but I know that I will not feel like this forever. I know I will feel like myself again someday. I'm sure of that. But for now, I need my family and friends to love and accept me for what I am, right now, at this very moment in my life. Even if it's a not a "good" version of me.

Because I know I would do the same for them.

Had another anxiety attack last night after meeting up with some of my cousins for dinner. I hate this.

Gatorade, I love you.

Not the regular Gatorade, but the low calorie G2 kind. Preferably, Grape.

I have been so sick with stomach issues the past few days. And today it was so bad that I had to leave work early. I started progesterone on Monday and I think that's what's causing all of this. I mean, the only way to describe it is, my stomach is EVIL. I've taking the progesterone before, but only for two days prior to the miscarriage. But I didn't have this bad of a side effect. I called the RE's office today, to see if this is normal or if they could switch my meds to something different. But the nurse I talked to was about as helpful as a toothache. She started out by saying that I can take tylenol for the pain. Although, the cramping/pain isn't my main issue. My main issue is having become way to friendly with the toilet. I hate this. I know I have to take this medicine, but ugh! It's horrible. Then the nurse said the kind of progesterone I was on was the only one that's one a day and she said she thinks it sounds more like a stomach bug. The thought did cross my mind, but it's been four days! So, I have been drinking a lot of gatorade today, eating applesauce and bananas. I just want to feel better!

As of right now, I have 11 more days of progesterone. ELEVEN MORE DAYS OF THIS? And possibly longer, if things turn out like we hope. I'm willing to just deal if that's the case, but something definitely isn't right with my body. Maybe it is a bug. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow feeling great. Maybe I'll catch a break for once.

And maybe I should buy stock in Gatorade...

Wedding Guilt.

Our wedding day is in about 60 days or so. And we are super excited! :)

But, I've been feeling a little bit of wedding guilt. We were really busy this weekend. Bouncing around from one family party to the next. And at every one, our wedding came up in some shape or form. Everyone is really excited about it and has lots of questions about how the plans are coming, did I get my gown, what flowers are you going with, etc. All perfectly normal questions any excited person would ask. I feel guilty though. And I feel a bit cheated of the whole wedding experience. I feel like all my pre-wedding excitment was stolen by my last marriage. I feel guilty answering questions about our wedding, because I guess I feel like I don't really deserve to be excited. Because it's my second time around. And I know that is so, so stupid of me. I know I deserve this love, this man, this wedding, this new life with him. I already know this wedding is going to be a whole different experience. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it down the aisle without crying. I guess I just wish that my last wedding never happened. And I know that I shouldn't say that, because we learn from our experiences. I would have never lived in HI, I would have never met my friend Lauren, I would have never met my dog Nole. A few people have been giving advice too on this and that, and I feel ashamed to say " Uh yeah, I know. Been there done that." So, I just politely nod my head and thank them for their advice. If you told me ten years ago, that I would be on my second marriage, I would have laughed in your face. But everything happens for a reason and the way to describe how I feel about it is...gratitude. I was saved from a life that would have been without true love.

I can't wait for our day to come, because I know it's going to be absolutely wonderful :) Maybe I should just pretend like it's my first wedding, like how I'm pretending to be pregnant...

I start progesterone tonight. Fun times. The Bachelorette is on too! And they are going to Lisbon, Portugal. Matt and I are really excited about this because his Dad's side of the family is Portugese. And his voo (nickname for "grandpa" in Portugese) is from Lisbon.

Question for you IF blog girls out there...

My RE has a patient portal on their web site where we can keep track of all our labs. I was looking through it last night and blood work results from last month showed they did an HCG test (preg test) and the result was 0.5? Uh, why? I don't get it, shouldn't my HCG levels be at 0?? I was on BC last month for the cyst. Could that explain it? Any thoughts are very much appreciated :)

God Bless America. And God Bless Us...please?

Today I had a little talk with God.

My niece Rory was Christened today. In between watching that pretty little baby get blessed and the other things that happen at church, I had a talk with God. It was short and sweet. To the point. A prayer that he would bless us again and that this cycle would result in good news. I bargained. I begged. I prayed really hard.

I'm hoping he heard me. Heard us, I should say, since I knew Matt was praying for the same thing right next to me. A little help in the heaven department won't hurt :)

After being in church today, it got me thinking about this quote I read on a blog a few years ago. It was on the blog of an IF girl who had received an insensitive comment from someone after she had told them she was having trouble conceiving. The woman had said something to her like, " Well, maybe God doesn't want you to have a child." Or something to that effect. And after reading her thoughts on how she wanted to respond to the evil woman, it struck a chord with me and I just have to share it...

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility."
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down."
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."
"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."


Happy Birthday, America. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. Ours was super busy but good. And we are exhausted!! Thanks to everyone who has sent me advice and encouragement throughout this cycle, I really appreciate it :)

I'm trying to decide whether to test before my appt on the 19th or just bite the bullet and find out with the bloodwork results. I just feel like if it's bad news, taking a home test before the appt might make it worse. Any thoughts?

Uh, I'm a big bag of hormones. The fireworks on TV are making me tear up.

Hello, Belly Shot.

And I'm not talking about the fun kind, with tequila and limes...

I had my third monitoring appointment on Friday. I raced over to the office on my lunch break (with "Coming Around Again" playing in the car) for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I have one big fat follie growing at 19. ONLY ONE. Which was kind of a bummer, but like the tech said " You only need one for it to happen." I know this is true, but it would've been nice to have a few on back up. She also said my lining was a little thicker, but not super thick. So, this was all positive news, but just a small dose of it. One follie and a lining that's so-so. But I'll take that over bad news. She also said that I needed to administer the Ovidrel shot between 6-9 that evening. We had plans to go to a graduation party during that time, so we had to figure out how we were going to work the shot in. I wanted to have my mom give me the shot, because she's a nurse. And I wanted Matt to watch so that in the future (If!!) we need to do this again, he can give the shot. We rushed over to my parent's house, before party and my mom gave me the shot. I was pretty anxious about it because I hate needles, never had one given to me in the stomach and I really really want this to work. But it wasn't that bad, didn't hurt as much as I thought. Although, I'm not sure if it was the hormones or not, but I was an emotional mess the rest of the night...

We went to the grad party which was fun but overwhelming too. I'm not all that social lately, and being around large groups of people is hard for me. I was really tired too. I had to work at 6:30 in the morning that day, so I was already exhausted. Throw in all the emotions with the doctor visit and the stomach shot and the day did me in. We also received bad news this week that my stepdad's best friend (the person who was going to marry us) is in the hospital in coma and not doing well at all. It's really sad.When we got home from the party I think I had my first ever real anxiety attack. I couldn't catch my breath, felt like an elephant was on my chest and the tears just kept coming. Matt was great in helping me calm down and relax. I really don't know what I'd do without him...

So, the instructions I received from the doctor's office were to keep up with my prenatal vitamins and baby aspirin, and to start progesterone on Monday. Oh, and that we had "business to take care of" as the tech put it...:)

Our HCG bloodwork is on July 19th. Praying and hoping that there isn't a "next time." If for some reason, this cycle doesn't work I think we are going to take a break next month. The co-pays are adding up from this cycle and we are going to have to save every penny before the wedding. Plus, in September I'll be on Matt's insurance, which is better than mine, so that will work out nicely.

What am I saying?! There won't have to be a next time. Because this is it. I feel it. I'm hoping for it. I'm praying for it.

What a busy weekend. Today was my Mom's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom! My stepdad made a delicious dinner and we got to visit with my aunt and nana, too. Tomorrow is Rory's (my stepbro's daughter) Christening and party. Plus, it's the 4th of July!!

Goodnight everyone and goodnight babymaker. Please work your magic.