Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Good with the Bad.

I'm having a hard time with a few people in my life understanding me and what I'm going through. And it makes me really really sad. I thought the whole point of having family and friends, is so that when you are at your shittiest point...they accept you and understand or pretend to understand, even if the don't. Because I know that if any one one of them, were going through a bad time, I would definitely give them what they need. Whether it's support, space, time alone to heal. I've made it known that I am not as social as I used to be. I am still hurting from losing our baby back in December and it's taken a toll on me in so many ways. Yes, I go to work, yes I love my soon to be husband, yes I attend all the "important" family functions, yes I have a wedding to plan that I'm very excited about. I'm still functioning on a decent level. And that's all I can do right now. I may not be a ball of fun, but I still love and care about my family and friends. And for once I'm taking care of ME. Just the comments and jabs I get sometimes, about not hanging out or going here and there, hurt...really badly. All my life, it's been about pleasing everyone else and saying "yes" to everything. And for the first time, I'm saying "No" and doing what I need to do for myself. Losing that baby has changed me, but I know that I will not feel like this forever. I know I will feel like myself again someday. I'm sure of that. But for now, I need my family and friends to love and accept me for what I am, right now, at this very moment in my life. Even if it's a not a "good" version of me.

Because I know I would do the same for them.

Had another anxiety attack last night after meeting up with some of my cousins for dinner. I hate this.


Amber said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Even though I'm 33 weeks pregnant this time around, I still have people that I have shut out of my life because they were so worthless when I had my m/c and all of my problems. I don't see that it's fair that they are able to celebrate with me now considering they abandoned me when I needed them. This pregnancy doesn't erase what we've been through. Hang in there. There are lots of people who know all-too-well what you're dealing with. I'm sorry.

Michelle said...

I feel very similar right now. I feel very mis-understood.
I'm glad your saying no and taking care of you. It's important to deal with this as You see fit, don't listen to what others have to say about it.