Monday, July 19, 2010

Today.

Unfortunately, I don't have any good news to share with you today. My blood test this morning confirmed that there isn't a baby in my belly. I took a home test Saturday morning, which came back negative, but I guess I was holding out for that miracle. I think I knew in my heart all along that this cycle wasn't going to work. I tried hard to think positively the past few weeks, but my heart just kept telling me that is wasn't going to happen. Not right now anyways. I know being sick with this parasite probably played a major role in this BFN, but sadly I think the result would have been the same even if I were healthy. I know that sounds so negative, but I just know deep down that this isn't going to be easy for us. I'm a little surprised with myself that I'm not a giant puddle of tears. Maybe I'm numb. Or maybe I'm just tired of being sad and let down. Overall, I think I'm taking the news relatively well. I think Matt was bracing for the worst, but I'm okay. I was thinking about it today and I thought of the perfect description of this past cycle. This past cycle was like--smiling for the camera even though you know the picture is going to turn out bad. I did everything I was supposed to, I followed directions, I prayed, I begged, I tried to be positive and smile. And today, our picture came out bad...

I slept horrible last night. I couldn't fall asleep (even though I was exhausted) and I had to get up extra early to go in for the bloodwork. When my alarm went off, it woke me up from a bad dream. The kind of dream where you wake up and have to take a minute to think about if it's real or not. My dream was about adoption. It was actually centered at my work. A co-worker of mine had heard of this group of kids abandoned by their parents. Beautiful kids ranging in age from infants to five years old. For some reason the kids were brought to our center to be cleaned up and taken care of, and they were now up for adoption. I heard down the hall that there was one baby boy left. I ran down to the classroom he was in and scooped him up out of his bouncy seat. He was perfect, chubby and had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. The baby boy was smiling at me and I was smiling back. Just then one of my co-workers said, " Ohh Im sorry you are too late. He's already been adopted." I remember my heart sinking in the dream and me saying to the co-worker, " Beyond heartbroken." I put the beautiful baby back in his bouncy seat. And just then, my alarm went off...

That is how I started my day. And it has ended with a BFN and get this...my period. Ironic right? I'm also completed exhausted. I'm still not feeling 100% and work kicked my ass today. I think I'm doing okay though, no tears so far. I am going to try to just keep trucking along. We've decided to take this next cycle off. My body and mind needs a break and with the wedding coming up, I want to be able to put all my energy and happiness into that. Plus, once we are married and I'm on his insurance instead, it will help us out a lot with IF expenses. Next time I think we are going to do Clomid instead and our first IUI.

So, thank you to all our family and friends who cheer us on every month! :) We love you and your support and kind words mean the world to us.

Infertility, on the other hand, we hate you...

Rachel, over at the blog "Rachel's Randomness," wrote this about her loss. A therapist-friend of her's suggested she do this as a healing excerise. And I thought she said it perfectly. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it...

Dear Infertility,

I've never known such hatred, sadness, guilt, and despair since you came into my life. You've ruined everything that I thought I would be. You've taken a toll on my heart, body, and mind. You have broken me. You've put strain on my relationships, and you've pushed resentment and jealousy into my heart. You have turned me into a woman obsessed with wanting what she can't have. You have placed doubt and uncertainty in every aspect of my being. You've hurt so many of us, in turn adding more hurt in my life for the others surrounding me that have to know you. You've shattered so many dreams, and literally made my life a living hell. You've made it difficult for me to find happiness in things that should bring me joy. You've robbed me from sharing motherhood with my sisters and my friends. You've robbed me of myself. Worst of all, once I felt like I had beaten you, you killed my baby. My womb is empty, my arms are empty, and my heart is empty. There is nothing or anyone else to blame, but you. I hate you, infertility. I hate you.

6 comments:

Brittany Ann said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry! I wish you didn't have to experience all this. I'm just so sorry.

T said...

I would love to give you a hug right now. It is completely unfair. I am glad to hear that you are taking a break to clear your mind and give your body some rest.
I will still be here praying for you.

Littlest True Blue said...

I'm so sorry for your shitty news and overall shity day. Thinking of you!
LTB

Moe said...

Aw hun, I am so sorry. :( That dream sounds awful.... what a terrible start to the day, and the BFN is so upsetting too.

I'm praying for you!! I hope that you have much better dreams tonight!!

Gaffney said...

Wishing you all the best as you prepare for your happy day. Every time I hear that song on the radio I say a little prayer for your situation.

Jennifer said...

Oh sweetie...I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Just know I am thinking about you. ((HUGS))