Sunday, October 24, 2010

Depression, I don't have time for you.

I didn't have too much time to grieve about Friday. Didn't have time to be depressed. Which I guess was a good thing. We moved into the house this weekend. And we are so exhausted! Love the house, but not lovin' the being hit by a bus feeling and the fact that tomorrow is Monday. Two day weekends should be illegal.

I was a mess Friday. I sat in silence for awhile after hearing the news that it didn't happen. Actually, I looked at the results online first before I listened to the message. For some reason, I thought reading it would be less painful. But to be honest with you, I really didn't think it would be negative. This time around I just had a feeling in my heart that this was it. That we were pregnant. It just felt like everything was coming together. We had the IUI right before we left for the honeymoon. And it was perfect because I was able to be stress-free that whole week. We had so many people praying for us, family, friends, strangers. A patient my mom was visiting at a nursing home, got talking to her about how her grand-daughter had a hard time too getting pregnant. So the old lady took down our names and said she was going to pray for us. How sweet of her! A co-worker of my mom's goes on a pilgrimage type thing to the statue of the Madonna in Europe. And she takes prayer requests with her. You write your prayers on paper, seal it up and then she leaves it at the statue. Apparently people have been healed and prayers answered. So my mom wrote one for us. Friday I posted up sticky notes at work and around the house that said BFP. Power of positive thinking, right? Before work that morning when I went out to my car, I found a rose, cupcakes, and the sweetest note from my husband.

It just felt like we had all our ducks in a row. Like this HAD to be it. And then it wasn't. After sitting in silence for awhile, I then cried. Hard. For a long time. I think the pain of getting BFN's month after month is getting worse. This time hurt the most since the miscarriage. But I don't have time to be sad. We spent all weekend moving and now it's time to go back to work. I just have to keep going. And keep hoping that someday soon this will all be over.

In the middle of moving on Saturday I stopped to call the fertility clinic. I wanted to ask about ordering injectibles or what the next step should be. I'd like to do injectibles with and IUI this next cycle. But the lady that handles the meds said that she wasn't sure they would get here in time for the start of AF. I also thought about doing a unmedicated monitored cycle with an IUI. I'm not even sure if that's something they do. The meds/insurance lady was kind of bitchy. And that really annoyed me. She acted like she was too busy to be on the phone talking with me about ordering meds. Maybe she was having a bad day, I guess I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I was a little sad too because I didn't think I would be calling on Saturday to start all over. I thought that call would have been to set up my next beta.

I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get out of bed without the love and support from all my family and friends. Blog friends too! You all encourage me to keep going, keep trying and to not give up. I really feel I have the best husband in the whole world. He shows me so much love, even when he's hurting through all this too.

I know this will happen for us. We just have to keep going...

We're sad. But we are not going to give up.


Amber said...

I had months too that I was SURE I was pregnant. Something just seemed so right about those cycles. So they were super hard when I got my BFN's. And then the month it finally happened, I least expected it. I wasn't even monitoring my cycles and certainly wasn't expecting a positive.

Hang in there. I know there isn't much I can say to make this okay, but keep the faith. You can be sad that it didn't happen this month, but look forward to the next cycle. You'll get that BFP... :)

Moe said...

I'm so sorry Sarah. There isn't anything else I can say :( But I am so glad to hear that you're just going to keep trying!!! Good for you for calling on Saturday. I'm sorry the lady wasn't very nice to you..but it's sweet that you gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking she might be having a bad day.

I won't stop praying for you! Don't lose hope girl.

PS. Your husband sounds like such a sweetie!