Monday, December 12, 2011

Two years ago today...

Two  years ago today we lost our first baby. The events of that week are engraved in my head forever. In the course of one week, we went from shock and cloud nine to shock and complete sadness. We had taken a day trip into the city on the 5th to see the tree and Rockette's show. We walked all around the city. And I noticed that I didn't quite feel right. For a few weeks prior to that day trip I had been getting cramps on and off and my period hadn't shown yet. But the LAST thing I was thinking was that I was pregnant. But as the day wore on in the city, I just felt weak and tired and almost feeling like I was going to pass out. On the train ride home, we were watching this little girl in the seat across from us play with her dad. And my husband says " We'd have really cute kids." And then he asked if I had gotten my period yet and that maybe I should just test just in case. Of course, I gave him an eye roll like as if saying "Honey, I'm infertile. Highly unlikely we'd be pregnant." And if any of you are confused, my infertility nightmare journey began in my previous marriage. So the next morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I remembered I had one pregnancy test under the sink and thought "Hey, what the hell." So I took the test and before I could even reach for some toilet paper, TWO lines appeared!! I think I just sat on the toilet and cried and prayed and thanked God for this amazing turn of events. My husband had gone to watch football. So I wanted to do something fun to surprise him with the news later. I then went to the mall and bought a Mets bib. I put it in a box with the positive pregnancy test. That evening he opened it and was SHOCKED but soo happy!

Then Tuesday came. We went to my parents house to tell them the good news, but that didn't turn out so well   as I started spotting that evening. Spotting and FREAKING out. I was able to get an emergency appt with the OB for the next morning. We drove in a blizzard up there to get to the appt. Where they took blood, did an u/s and and exam. As far as they could tell everything was okay. So our hopes went back up. The next day I got a call at work that they needed me to get on progesterone supplements right away because my progesterone was really low. And that they wanted me to get blood work the next day. I did as I was told! And then Friday morning I got a call from OB. Basically, saying I'm sorry but you are going to miscarry. My BETA numbers were dropping. I almost collapsed in the hallway. My heart broke into a million pieces and I had to leave work right away. The next morning, December 12th, I ended up in  L&D miscarrying our baby. It was the worst day of my life.

I just couldn't understand how we were giving such a miracle, only to have it taken away. It took a long time to heal from that heartbreak and honestly I'm still healing from it. Even now, after being blessed with this baby girl growing inside me. The doctor kept reassuring us that we got pregnant once that it will happen again and that women are "extra" fertile after a miscarriage. So of course we had SO much hope that it would happen. But it didn't. Two years later, lots of IUI's and shots and one IVF cycle, and we finally have our miracle. But we will never forget our first baby...

On a happier note....here is a picture of the bedding we chose! :)

13 comments:

beccasfamilyof5 said...

I'm sorry you had to go through all this. And whilst you will never forget about the miscarriage, you have so much to look forward to having your beautiful little girl joining you soon. The nursery is just wonderful. You've done amazing. All the very best to you on this sad anniversary. x

Jill aka ThatMoxieGirl Designs said...

It was during the time you mourned the loss of your first babe that I started being online friends with you. I remembee feeling guilty because I was due with Jane then (the 12th to be exact) but wanted to reach out to you becausee just 11 months before we lost our dear sweet Sprinkle (on our anniversary no less.) No one ever forgets th babies they lost nor should you. Three years and two live births later, Danny and I still cry at the though of lost one. Mourn your lost love; but dance and smile with your sweet girl.

LOVE The bedding! Also, think Bout singing to your sweet girl. I used to sing to Jane before she was born on the way to work and back (ok and blubber like an idiot, but hell, that's the fun of being prefnant right?) (Also, it was Queen and Cake I was singing to her, not baby songs, for the record.) But the coolest thing happened the very very first time they put her sweet face next to mine. She cooed and sang to me! Kid you not. So, while I can't guarantee you a singer, read and sing and talk to your Samantha. You'll feel silly as hell, but she can hear you and loves it!

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry about your loss.

The bedding is absolutely adorable, love it.

manymanymoons said...

You just never get over it do you. It can hit you at the craziest times too. Thinking about you today.

Ashley said...

I am so sorry! I can't even imagine! *Hugs* And LOVE the bedding!

Bridget said...

I don't think the hurt of our losses ever completely goes away, hugs to you! I love the bedding so much, your little girl will just love it!

Jenny said...

so sorry that today is going to cause such bad memories for you :( It's important to grieve though...your pregnancy was real and very much wanted so it's natural to feel sad. time doesn't heal all wounds...it just makes them hurt a little less.

The bedding is BEAUTIFUL...in fact I kinda wish I had that whole nursery!!! A's room is pink and green :)

ADSchill said...

I'm sorry sweetie. Thank you for sharing your story and know that it will be okay this time around.

Nothing can replace the child you lost and that baby will always be your first.

The bedding is pretty.

Rebecca said...

Its good that you still think of your angel. I think of mine too.

I love the nursery you've picked out.

Marissa said...

The loss of a longed-for baby is such a horrible thing. *hugs*

Sailor's Sweetheart said...

Wow, what an awful event to go through. I can't even imagine! So sorry you had to endure the pain of losing a baby. But I am beyond excited for you that you will soon have a healthy baby girl joining your life.

p.s.- I am completely drooling over that bedding. So flippin' adorable!! She is going to be one stylish princess!

Chon said...

I love that you were able to finish such a sad memory off with a good one. You will never forget what happened but now Samantha will fill you with happy memories. Have I told you how much I love Samantha as a name!

Natalie and Lee said...

Hugs to you! I absolutely LOVE the bedding! PERFECT FOR that sweet little miracle! :)