Two years ago today...

Two  years ago today we lost our first baby. The events of that week are engraved in my head forever. In the course of one week, we went from shock and cloud nine to shock and complete sadness. We had taken a day trip into the city on the 5th to see the tree and Rockette's show. We walked all around the city. And I noticed that I didn't quite feel right. For a few weeks prior to that day trip I had been getting cramps on and off and my period hadn't shown yet. But the LAST thing I was thinking was that I was pregnant. But as the day wore on in the city, I just felt weak and tired and almost feeling like I was going to pass out. On the train ride home, we were watching this little girl in the seat across from us play with her dad. And my husband says " We'd have really cute kids." And then he asked if I had gotten my period yet and that maybe I should just test just in case. Of course, I gave him an eye roll like as if saying "Honey, I'm infertile. Highly unlikely we'd be pregnant." And if any of you are confused, my infertility nightmare journey began in my previous marriage. So the next morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I remembered I had one pregnancy test under the sink and thought "Hey, what the hell." So I took the test and before I could even reach for some toilet paper, TWO lines appeared!! I think I just sat on the toilet and cried and prayed and thanked God for this amazing turn of events. My husband had gone to watch football. So I wanted to do something fun to surprise him with the news later. I then went to the mall and bought a Mets bib. I put it in a box with the positive pregnancy test. That evening he opened it and was SHOCKED but soo happy!

Then Tuesday came. We went to my parents house to tell them the good news, but that didn't turn out so well   as I started spotting that evening. Spotting and FREAKING out. I was able to get an emergency appt with the OB for the next morning. We drove in a blizzard up there to get to the appt. Where they took blood, did an u/s and and exam. As far as they could tell everything was okay. So our hopes went back up. The next day I got a call at work that they needed me to get on progesterone supplements right away because my progesterone was really low. And that they wanted me to get blood work the next day. I did as I was told! And then Friday morning I got a call from OB. Basically, saying I'm sorry but you are going to miscarry. My BETA numbers were dropping. I almost collapsed in the hallway. My heart broke into a million pieces and I had to leave work right away. The next morning, December 12th, I ended up in  L&D miscarrying our baby. It was the worst day of my life.

I just couldn't understand how we were giving such a miracle, only to have it taken away. It took a long time to heal from that heartbreak and honestly I'm still healing from it. Even now, after being blessed with this baby girl growing inside me. The doctor kept reassuring us that we got pregnant once that it will happen again and that women are "extra" fertile after a miscarriage. So of course we had SO much hope that it would happen. But it didn't. Two years later, lots of IUI's and shots and one IVF cycle, and we finally have our miracle. But we will never forget our first baby...

On a happier note....here is a picture of the bedding we chose! :)