Wednesday, January 25, 2012

On the table...

First I would like to apologize to everyone who has been checking in on me with texts, phone calls, emails, comments and messages. I am so sorry I left you all hanging yesterday after our appointment. I know I haven't responded to (pretty much anyone) but as you probably guessed, yesterday did not go very well....

We spent about about 2+ hours at the specialist's office. We had two ultrasounds. One by the u/s tech and then another one by the doctor herself. I had envisioned the title of this post being "Peanut." As in everything went perfectly and our girl is just going to be a little peanut. But things didn't really happen like that.

The ultrasounds took forever and were really uncomfortable, but I didn't really care because I wanted them to do what they needed to do to figure things out. But the whole time as I was switching between staring at the screen and staring at the ceiling I was just sweating and praying that everything was okay. It may sound weird but I don't really like watching the the u/s screen. The tech probably thought I was a bad mother who didn't care, but it's actually the opposite and I'm just terrified of what I'm going to see. And I'm afraid I'm somehow going to see something that doesn't look right (even though I really have no clue). When she first put the scanner thing to my belly my first thought was that her heart wasn't beating anymore. Even though I had just felt her move seconds ago. That's how crazy I am. Sure enough, her little heart was beating away and she is quite the little mover. Always giving the techs a hard time because she is moving all around. I told the tech she's probably pissed at her mother pumping her full of all the drugs I'm on. Anyways, here's what we know...

Basically, all three scenarios are still on the table. Those three being...

1) She's just going to be a tiny little peanut. Since I'm so short and my husband is not very tall. Genetics and all that.

2) She may have down syndrome.

3) She many have dwarfism.

The good things...

The doctor said her organs look great...heart...brain...etc. Her head and body (stomach area) are measuring perfectly. She said she didn't see any major markers for down syndrome or dwarfism, but that doesn't mean they can't still show up. She said you can still have down syndrome and be very healthy. With dwarfism, she said most of them time the real markers don't show up until the third trimester...

The not so good things....

Her arms and legs are measuring three weeks behind. And the first thing I thought of was "Hmm...three weeks huh? Three weeks ago is when I started all this crazy medication." So of course I'm worrying that these drugs may have stunted the growth of her limbs. I actually thought about this after we left, so I didn't get to ask the doctor about it. Her weight is also in the 10th percentile. But the doctor said that is because of her legs, since the legs carry a lot of the weight. So since her legs are not measuring where they should be, her weight isn't either. My mom said I was 6 pounds 2 oz when I was born. So of course I'm trying to think of ways I can at least get her to 6 pounds for delivery. But I know there's really nothing I can do about it. Just keep taking my vitamins and eating I guess. And praying.


Where do we go from here?

We have to go back to the specialist for another growth scan on February 21st. And will most likely be getting these every few weeks until she is born. They want to make sure she is at least growing on her own growing curve. The way the doctor explained it is that if she keeps growing at at least the same pace that she has (even though it's slow) then that's good. That would probably mean she is just going to be a peanut. However, if the growth scans from here on out show that she is not growing on her "curve" at all or if it plateaus, then unfortunately that probably means there is a bigger issue. The doctor said it's our choice to do an amnio, but she doesn't recommend it at this stage of the pregnancy. I wouldn't do one anyways. Can't change the outcome and only puts her and I in more danger.

So all we can do now is pray and pray some more. And hope that her legs and arms keep growing on "her own growing curve" at least. We were so confused and stressed yesterday that we forgot all the numbers the doctors gave us regarding her length and weight, so I am going to call them this morning to get them again.

Yesterday, was just a really hard day overall. And to make matters even worse, my husband and I got into a huge fight. Probably the worst fight we've ever had. I'm sure it stemmed from all the pressure and stress we've been under but yesterday he ended up with his parents crying his eyes out and I ended up at my parent's crying my eyes out. We both just snapped. And everything came crashing down around us. I'm happy to report that we did make up and I did come home. But yesterday was just mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting for us both.

I was actually starting to feel better yesterday morning after starting the prednisone. I was finally able to breathe! But with the events of yesterday I think it set me back, as I'm feeling like crap again today. So today I plan to just get myself together and get myself feeling well.

42 comments:

Bridget said...

I'm so sorry you didn't get all good news, but nothing is for certain yet! I am thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

cgd said...

continuing to think of you and your little girl. sending so much love your way

Samantha said...

Thinking of you and your little girl

kkasun said...

I'n sorry about your awful day.
I am hopeful that this is that is just a precaution and everything is fine.
Eitherway you are carrying a beautiful little girl.
I hope you feel better soon.
Keep us updated!

Stephanie said...

Thinking about you and your family. Be there to support each other, but it's totally fine to want your own space too and process what's going on. I hope the future scans show that she is growing on track with her own curve.

Liz said...

Sounds like you had an awful day and I'm so sorry. I really hope she's just a tiny peanut and continues to grow on her own curve. Thinking of you.

Krista said...

So sorry to hear yesterday was such a tough day.....I bet the hardest part is just more waiting to see what happens....no definitive answers yet. Hang in there and keep taking good care of yourself. Thanks for keeping us updated...

Beeker's Mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear that things were difficult yesterday. I'm sending all of my good thoughts to you, your family and your little baby girl.

manymanymoons said...

Well then, it sounds like we have more time for prayers then. That's how I'm going to view things until we know more. I am just so so damn sorry you are going through this. You are so strong and you're going to be ok, no matter what. In turn, peanut is going to be ok, no matter what. I just know you are the kind of momma that can take on ANYTHING.

No wonder you fought...this stress would break anyone. Don't put pressure on yourselves to be on your best behavior. You get a pass!

Thinking of you always!

Ashley said...

Thinking and praying for you guys!!!

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry that you had such an awful day. And I'm sure the stress of the appointment was behind the fight with you and hubby. Hang in there...we are all pulling for you and hoping for the best. Positive thoughts coming your way.

justagirl-Krista said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this I can't imagine. I am not a doctor I know but I think she is just going to be a little peanut. I am sure it's hard not to think about it all the time. Hang in there!

Amber said...

So many times, prenatal testing leads us to believe that maybe something is wrong. Then a perfectly healthy baby is born. I'm praying so super hard for you, your husband and your petite little baby.

beauty and insanity wrapped into one said...

hugs! hugs! and more hugs! thank you for updating us, i can only imagine the stress youre going through... anderson &i love you, matt & samantha! hang in there & no matter what you will love this baby with all of your heart!

Jenny said...

I'm sad that you had such an awful day and didn't get the answers you were hoping for :(
I know that it's easier said than done but try to focus on the positives that you mentioned (she's healthy, heart, brain, etc) and know that no matter what the outcome, she will be perfect because she will be yours.
I will continue to be thinking of you, Samantha and your DH

Erica said...

Sorry to hear that things were not clear cut with yesterdays appointment. I will continue to hope and pray that baby girl continues on her curve as well as you getting better and off your meds.

Nicole said...

So sorry you had such a difficult day. I do know how you feel. Like I told, you they told me those same 3 things with Hudson and he turned out just fine. So lets hope you little peanut is just fine too. Hudson was only 6 ponds 13 oz when he was born and right up until the week before he was born they told me he was underweight. Just keep doing what you are doing to keep your health and spirtis up! I will keep praying for you, hubby and lil peanut. It's so hard but try not worry. :)

Caroline F. said...

Continuing to wish u the very best and keeping u and ur little one in my prayers :)

Joys Truly said...

Keeping thinking the best and taking care of your lil girl and you. That's the best you can do right now. Sending a prayer..

Kelly said...

I'm sorry you didn't get the answers you were looking for, but there is still reason to hope & believe that everything is fine with baby girl. The fact that there weren't any obvious markers is a great sign.

My husband and I got into our biggest fight ever while I was pregnant and we were awaiting to find out if our little girl had DS. It happens, but I'm glad you came back together and made up. There is nothing more stressful than the possibility of something being wrong with your baby. ((hugs))

Prayers for your little girl and for peace and calm for you while you wait.

Rebecca said...

Stress can test the patience of a saint. DH and I have already snapped once. Its bound to happen again. But as you both know you love one another. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Things just happen and not every baby grows to the text book example.

I'm hoping that she'll catch up. BTW, I weighed 6lbs 4 ounces at birth. I'm now 5'7". How's that for messing with the stats? My dad is short at only 5'2".

amiracle4us said...

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. Between being sick (which makes everything worse!!) and fighting with hubs and hearing concerning news about sweet baby girl...
All I can say is that we are here for you...whatever you need! AND keep praying, keep believing. Just because a scan shows something concerning, doesnt mean everything wont be okay. I am still praying for a happy healhty little peanut that is short just like her mama :)

Jes G said...

lots of love sarah..... wishing you the very best
xoxo

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

I kept checking blogger yesterday to see if you had updated, I am so sorry you didn't get the best of news, but nothing is certain yet and I will continue to send all my good vibes and prayers your way! Don't let the fight burden you, you were both under a lot of stress and sometimes we just have to snap to get ourselves out of it. I will be Praying lots for your family ♥

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

If you want, you can email me a list of the medications you've taken, and I can look them up in my drug guides and look up the reasonings behind their classifications. Obviously none of them can cause DS. Some of them *may* cause growth issues, but my initial impulse is to say that they wouldn't be true dwarfism.

But in all honesty, I doubt it was drugs at all. And you know that lack of oxygen would be brain damage, organ damage, or death--for Sam and for you. So you definitely did the right thing in taking essential medications. *hugs*

I will continue to hope that she just grows along her own curve. She sounds like, aside from growth issues, she is perfectly healthy, which I hope is a comfort to you. *hugs*

Moe said...

Oh sweetie! My heart hurts for you. :( I'm sorry you didn't get good news. I'm praying for you guys. I really hope that in the end all this worry will turn out to be for nothing.

You guys are on my heart!

Liz said...

I am so sorry you didn't get the news we were all praying for. Please try and stay in good spirits! I know 2 people who were given bad news at an u/s and the babies was born 100% perfect. Praying for better news at your next appt.

Michelle said...

I've been a silent follower for a few months now and thought I'd finally pipe up and comment:) When I was pregnant with my son we got bad news at the 20 week ultrasound. His kidneys were dilated and there was more fluid than normal in his brain. We were referred to a perinatologist and we had weekly ultrasounds to monitor the results. Both of these issues were markers for DS and I was terrified. Our son was born with no issues or complications. He was big and healthy:) I know how devastating these results can be, but there may be absolutely nothing wrong. I'm praying for you and your baby!

Chon said...

I have been so worried about you and I am devastated you didn't just get the good news. It sounds like an awful horrible day. You know hubby was just stressed too and he loves you and Samantha so much.

I was thinking about the dwarfism and downs and I honestly don't think that a baby can just get these halfway through the journey, your medication clearly couldn't have caused these as surely they are genetic / chromosomal issues?

Lastly, I am just going with the fact that you are a shorty, Samantha is a girl and she is going to be short too.

Thinking of you and sending you huge massive hugs.

Mrs. H said...

She could still be a peanut. I'm optimistic and will keep praying for you guys. Sorry that your marriage is also hurting right now.

Lindsey said...

Sending all my prayers and thoughts to you, your hubby and Samantha. I know no matter what the answer is you will love you daughter more than anything in the wirld and will be wonderful parents to her.

ADSchill said...

I can only imagine how you are feeling. It would be so difficult to go through all of that scanning and time, only to still have no concrete answer. I am hoping she is just a little girl, but you are so strong and i know that you can find a way to deal if there is somthing else going on.
I know the wait for your next u/s must be torture. I am just so sad that you have to be going through this kind of stress.

I hope you and hubby can begin to work on each other a little. You need to be there for each other right now.

You are in my heart. And so is your baby girl.
MissC

Kristen said...

love you xoxo

skunklust said...

I am so sorry you have to feel the stress of the unknown. In this age we live in I question if it is better to have more information (that may suggest something that is not true)when more information can lead to more stress...
Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.

Ruth said...

So sorry that you got such uncertain results yesterday. I'll be praying that little girl keeps growing and that like you said she'll just be a "little peanut." (((HUGS)))

Josey said...

Praying for the strength for you to handle any one of those three options!

((HUGS))

Good Timing said...

Just leaving a message today I'm thinking of you and sending love and hugs! I'm rooting for the best for your little peanut because that's just what she is. :)

Candice said...

I am so sorry to hear this!! As my dad would have said "stink!!" But those good points really were good! Praying peanut is just a tiny little nut! You are amazing! It sucks so bad, but I know you are strong enough to get through it and so is Miss Samantha!

Faith said...

Oh hun, what a miserable day. You must be so terrified. Being a mom can be SO hard. We always worry...but when there are so many unknowns when we are pregnant, well that is just terrifying. Keep loving her and growing her. I still have a BIG feeling that she is just a little peanut. And I absolutely DON'T believe your meds could cause this. I see moms on pretty strong narcotics and their babies are just fine almost every single time. This mommy guilt is normal - but not always rational. Hang in there. I hope you are feeling better soon, hun.

Baby Hopes said...

I'm so very sorry. Thinking of you all and praying...

Natalie and Lee said...

Sorry to hear your news but things are not certain and worrying will not help anything.... prayer will though!:)

Stay strong girl.... you will be an awesome mommy to a very special little angel!

A m a n d a said...

Even though I'm on a little break, I've been checking in on you and praying so hard for you and your little girl. I can't even imagine all the mixed emotions you (and your husband) are experiencing right now. I'll be thinking of you on the 21st and hoping for good news. Miss you xo