Monday, February 6, 2012

On the verge...

I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I don't know if it's my hormones but the past few days I have been extra tired, sad and just generally feeling like I could start sobbing at the drop of a hat. Not to mention I've been having nightmares every night. I know I've been feeling overwhelmed with everything. Just all the baby stuff that needs to be done and the stress of wondering if she's okay.

Then tonight we went to the hospital where we are supposed to be delivering at for a maternity tour. I've been a patient there twice so far this pregnancy so (lucky us) already got to see the birthing rooms which are pretty nice.  My OB only delivers at this private women's hospital because it is so close to her practice and she's the only doctor IN her practice. Her web site does say that she also maintains privileges at two other major hospitals in the area. Not sure what that exactly means, but I thought maybe it means she COULD still deliver at those larger hospitals if she wanted to? Something I have to ask her at my next visit.

Because here's the thing. We weren't all that impressed with what we saw tonight. This private hospital does have a lot of great things to offer, but two things have us seriously rethinking our choices. One is, the after birth recovery rooms. There are no private rooms. So basically you are rolling the dice on whether you deliver on a busy day  and whether or not you'll get a room to yourself. They said they try their best to give you a room to yourselves but sometimes that's just not possible. Now, yeah sharing a room would suck, but that's not the main thing that upsets us. If we DID end up having to share a room, no one can stay the night with me. Which means, on the day our daughter is born my husband wouldn't be able to stay with us. And THAT we just don't like at all. I would seriously lose my shit if I had been laboring all day, give birth, and then I'm left alone all night to not only deal with the recovery pain but try to care for my newborn alone. Just not ideal.

The second reason we are rethinking things is because this hospital does have a "special care" unit for babies that need help. However, it's no where near as high tech as the other hospitals NICU's. And with the recent info that we were given that there "could" be some issues with our baby girl, I just don't think I would want to risk having them tell me she needs to be transferred by ambulance to a bigger hospital. Because I would totally lose it.

So, I have two plans of action I guess. One is to see if my OB will consider delivering at the big hospital. And what I'm going to ask is, is if she can't make it there for some reason on delivery day, can just a doctor on staff deliver our baby? I honestly don't care that much who delivers the baby, what's stressing me out is having to switch OB practices at this point. It's making me crazy just thinking about trying to get into another practice right now. I'm one of those people that like to feel settled somewhere with a plan and right now I feel like everything is up in the air! I just want to crawl in a hole and cry it out.

And I'm so sick of doctor's appointments and co-pays. We're broke from all these doctor's visits. Tomorrow I have to see the thyroid doctor. And then I have to start making a lot of calls and trying to figure out what hospital we are going with...

I'm hoping this is just a bump in the road and I'll start feeling happier and at ease again. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of  the entire world on my shoulders right now. And the only thing I want to be carrying and focusing on is our baby girl....

Go away, black cloud.

On a lighter note, we did get to see two newborns (just hours old!) tonight get wheeled by. They were so tiny and cute! I almost stole them. Well, no not really. Well, maybe...

11 comments:

Faith said...

Oh, so sorry. That sure is a lot to worry about. If I have learned anything, it is that these things work out in their own time. And when that sweet baby girl is placed in your arms, all of this worrying and planning will be worth it. I wish I could come and help you in some way. Take care of yourself and BREATHE and take it one step at a time - seriously, ONE step at a time:).

ADSchill said...

I'm pretty sure you have every right to be scared and stressed and hormonal. I know it doesn't help you feel better, but you can cry if you want to. If you get it out, maybe you can focus on what you need to do better.
I think I would freak too if I couldn't have my own room. It's a private and special time...you shouldn't have to worry about being alone.

Chon said...

Darlng girl have a cry, it's ok. The last few weeks have been overwhelming for you. Perhaps over the next few weeks and they correctly determine if Samantha will need help you could go to another hospital, what is the distance between your hospital and the closest nicu?

Kristen said...

Ohhhh boy...... This is making me really nervous about delivering there too!!!

Stephanie said...

I would definitely look into your other options with hospitals. For the reasons you pointed out I sure wouldn't want to deliver there either if I had a choice. Everything will work out just fine. It sure sounds overwhelming, but you have some time to get it all figured out. Just remember to take care of yourself in the meantime.

manymanymoons said...

I'm sorry you're so down. I hope that you realize that how you are feeling is completely justified. You seriously have more on your plate than anyone I know and you've taken it all in stride. You have every right to have a meltdown. Just remember to keep in the back of your mind while you're having a good sob that it's all going to be ok. Your baby is going to be perfect and you are going to choose a hospital that can give her the best care possible no matter what her needs are. You have time and it WILL all get done ok.

I know you feel like crap and probably just want to crawl in bed under the covers, but I am always up for a milkshake or something equally terrible for us at Coldstone...my treat. :)

J.o.s.e.y said...

First off, if you have to deliver at that hospital, you will be okay. You will!

However, it's important to be comfortable where you deliver if at all possible. Privileges does mean your doc can deliver at the other hospitals. Also, I had Stella at 2am, and I would have lost my mind if Char couldn't have stayed with me in my room that first "night" from 4am-10am or however long he slept. It was just nice having him THERE with me and our baby.

Hang in there - you are so strong!

Mrs. H said...

I agree with Josey you need to deliver somewhere that you feel comfortable.
Since she holds privileges at two other hospitals (it means she can perform there. She can deliver your baby at the main hospital (assuming it is one of the two she has privileges at) and if she can't she will usually be able to refer you to an on-staff OB there that can. When you have privileges at other hospitals you may not know the entire staff but usually you have one name you can use for referals.
Should that fail then you can always choose the hospital and ask to set an appointment with the director of OB who can then help guide you to the right person for you.
Your first priority should definitely be delivering somewhere you're comfortable with both the staff and facilities (technology/NICU) included.

Moe said...

Ewww to shared recovery rooms. I'm not down with that at all. :( I would be ticked if D couldn't stay with me after we had a baby! Also - I feel you on the whole NICU thing. I've always told people that I wouldn't ever deliver in a hospital that didn't have one because you just never know what can happen - and I not only want my baby to get the best care possible but I wouldn't want them to move the baby and leave me at the other hospital.

Hopefully your OB will be willing to accomodate. Sorry if this added to your stress - I just wanted to say "I know how you feel" (and I'm not even pregnant yet!)

Good Timing said...

I've been feeling this way a lot lately too. I think some of it must be hormonal but there are also a lot of other stresses going on too which doesn't help. Good luck with the OB and hospital, it will all work out for the best. When is your GD test?

Rebecca said...

I'd be investigating the bigger hospitals after that tour too. If you think there is even a slim possibility of your daughter being transferred check out the other places.