It's like the Polar Express. It's coming fast, will definitely be on time and believe it or not, is full of magic. I have always loved Christmas and everything about it. This year however, I feel like I'm just pushing myself through it. I do have some Christmas spirit in me, but it's definitely not the same. Not as excited about Christmas shopping because money is tight. My honey and I put up lights outside the house and this weekend we are getting our tree. I'm excited but there's this cloud over me. Last year, we miscarried a few weeks before Christmas. THAT was tough. But for some reason I feel a little more sad this year. Probably, because right after the miscarriage we were so hopeful that we would get pregnant again right away. We thought for sure that since it happened once already, it was going to be somewhat easy to conceive again. Well, it's been a year already. A YEAR!!! 12 months has gone by. :(
And still no baby.
I'm hoping for some Christmas magic. I want to hop aboard the Polar Express and have Tom Hanks hole punch "B-A-B-Y" into my ticket. In the meantime, I'm going to try and let myself enjoy this holiday. And I'm going to start by watching Rudolph on TV tonight!
Thanks for all the comments on my last post! I got some much needed reassurance :)And I found out today our wedding photos will be here tomorrow or Thursday!! Moe-I had that Clear Blue Easy Monitor, but my ex-husband threw it away. All $300 of it. Yeahhhhh.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Getting it Together
The past six days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I go from feeling resilient to feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There have been quite a few tears with this past failed cycle. Yesterday probably took the cake. I'm finding it REALLY hard to be social. And if I do go out, the smile I show is a fake one. I'm just hurting so badly that most of the time my smiles are not sincere. I almost want to avoid social situations completely because I don't want anyone to think I'm being cold or a jerk. I don't want to bring people down. Yesterday, I was crying so hard that my hubby shed some tears too. He just wants to help me and take the hurt away, but feels so helpless. Infertility is so hard. It effects everyone around you, your friends, your family...
I'm thinking of maybe going to talk to someone, but I've tried that before and all I do is cry more. The counselor can't make me pregnant, but can take our money. Who knows, maybe it would help. Or maybe a group setting with other women who are struggling with IF. The only thing I'm afraid of with that is being a blubbering mess at every meeting. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I have to think about what the right thing is for me...
Everyone has their opinions about what I should do, drugs I should take, other doctors I should see. I've pretty much heard it all. Some the advice I get I welcome with open ears, because they are from people who have struggled with this too! But some advice, I'm like " Really? Are you hearing yourself right now?!" What my heart is telling me to do is to keep the faith and do what my doctor tells me to do. I can't be going in twenty different directions. Since I'm not doing a medicated/monitored cycle this month, I have my own little homemade recipe of how to cook up a natural Christmas miracle...
I'm going to buy the ovulation tracker pee stick things and use those. I've used them before, and they obviously didn't help, but who knows. I'll give it a try. And I think I might use what's left of my progesterone suppositories towards the end of the cycle. I know I shouldn't do that unmonitored. But my progesterone always seems to run low, so why not? And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think to stab my myself with the leftover Bravelle. BUT I definitely know that could be dangerous, so that's not in this recipe :)
I just want to feel like I'm trying something in the next few weeks. It's really hard to just let this cycle go by without some plan of action. I feel like I'm "wasting" it. But I know my body needs a break...
I'm hoping our wedding photos arrive this week. That would be a nice "pick me up." It's going on almost three months now! And we are battling it out (sort of) with our photographer. We were told when we hired her that it would take 6-8 weeks to get the pictures. Fine, whatever, I know it takes awhile and we were totally okay with that! Then 8 weeks went by still no pictures. So I sent her a nice email asking what was going on with them. She tells me that she's a little behind because she got married in September too. First thought was, ok why didn't you mention this to us when we hired you? She then tells me that she's the only one who edits at her company. Another thing she failed to mention when we hired her. So she tells me that I will receive them no later than this past week. No photos still. When should I start being a bitch about it? I'm so annoyed at this point. We want to do xmas cards and gifts with these. And my hubby mentioned that maybe she somehow messed them up and is trying to scramble to fix them. He's ready to take a drive down to her studio!! I know wedding photos take awhile, but this is starting to aggravate me. She is paid in full and it's three months later with no pics. I went on her FB photography page and she has posts of a wedding she did on Halloween!!! And Maternity ones she did this past week! I don't get why our wedding that was almost three months ago, has been put on the back burner. Ugh.
The point of this post is that I'm trying to pick up the pieces and get myself together. I don't like being a victim to Infertility. I'm doing what I can.
And that's the best I can do right now...
I'm thinking of maybe going to talk to someone, but I've tried that before and all I do is cry more. The counselor can't make me pregnant, but can take our money. Who knows, maybe it would help. Or maybe a group setting with other women who are struggling with IF. The only thing I'm afraid of with that is being a blubbering mess at every meeting. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I have to think about what the right thing is for me...
Everyone has their opinions about what I should do, drugs I should take, other doctors I should see. I've pretty much heard it all. Some the advice I get I welcome with open ears, because they are from people who have struggled with this too! But some advice, I'm like " Really? Are you hearing yourself right now?!" What my heart is telling me to do is to keep the faith and do what my doctor tells me to do. I can't be going in twenty different directions. Since I'm not doing a medicated/monitored cycle this month, I have my own little homemade recipe of how to cook up a natural Christmas miracle...
I'm going to buy the ovulation tracker pee stick things and use those. I've used them before, and they obviously didn't help, but who knows. I'll give it a try. And I think I might use what's left of my progesterone suppositories towards the end of the cycle. I know I shouldn't do that unmonitored. But my progesterone always seems to run low, so why not? And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think to stab my myself with the leftover Bravelle. BUT I definitely know that could be dangerous, so that's not in this recipe :)
I just want to feel like I'm trying something in the next few weeks. It's really hard to just let this cycle go by without some plan of action. I feel like I'm "wasting" it. But I know my body needs a break...
I'm hoping our wedding photos arrive this week. That would be a nice "pick me up." It's going on almost three months now! And we are battling it out (sort of) with our photographer. We were told when we hired her that it would take 6-8 weeks to get the pictures. Fine, whatever, I know it takes awhile and we were totally okay with that! Then 8 weeks went by still no pictures. So I sent her a nice email asking what was going on with them. She tells me that she's a little behind because she got married in September too. First thought was, ok why didn't you mention this to us when we hired you? She then tells me that she's the only one who edits at her company. Another thing she failed to mention when we hired her. So she tells me that I will receive them no later than this past week. No photos still. When should I start being a bitch about it? I'm so annoyed at this point. We want to do xmas cards and gifts with these. And my hubby mentioned that maybe she somehow messed them up and is trying to scramble to fix them. He's ready to take a drive down to her studio!! I know wedding photos take awhile, but this is starting to aggravate me. She is paid in full and it's three months later with no pics. I went on her FB photography page and she has posts of a wedding she did on Halloween!!! And Maternity ones she did this past week! I don't get why our wedding that was almost three months ago, has been put on the back burner. Ugh.
The point of this post is that I'm trying to pick up the pieces and get myself together. I don't like being a victim to Infertility. I'm doing what I can.
And that's the best I can do right now...
Friday, November 26, 2010
A Love Story
Today was a nice day. My hubby and I put up Christmas lights outside and we cooked on our brand new grill tonight. It was a wedding gift and we just got around to use it! Something about cooking a summer meal in late November is so much fun. I'm getting anxious for our wedding photos to arrive so I can order holiday cards already! We are kind of in a battle with our photographer right now. Long story for another post!
I received a comment from a friend and I wanted to share it. Because I'm in love with the idea of this being a "Love Story" someday :)
"I know this probably isn't of much comfort to you, but during this time of painful waiting, just know you are writing a wonderful love story for your child. This will be a tale of ups and downs, hoping and dreaming for a special child and a family that feels complete to you. It isn't a question of "if", but of when and how. The love stories most parents tell their children begin in a delivery room on the day of their birth. When you finally get to share your love story with your child it will begin with "we wanted you so badly"...and any child's story that begins that way will most certainly feel lucky and loved."
xxoo -C
:)
I received a comment from a friend and I wanted to share it. Because I'm in love with the idea of this being a "Love Story" someday :)
"I know this probably isn't of much comfort to you, but during this time of painful waiting, just know you are writing a wonderful love story for your child. This will be a tale of ups and downs, hoping and dreaming for a special child and a family that feels complete to you. It isn't a question of "if", but of when and how. The love stories most parents tell their children begin in a delivery room on the day of their birth. When you finally get to share your love story with your child it will begin with "we wanted you so badly"...and any child's story that begins that way will most certainly feel lucky and loved."
xxoo -C
:)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
My Life in Holidays...
Turns out, I didn't stop crying. I awoke in a great mood, made my birthday boy husband breakfast and started watching the parade. And then the sadness crept back in. Like it always manages to do.
I just got thinking of how every holiday I am wishing that I was pregnant. And after each one passes, I say to myself " Next (fill in the blank holiday) I'll be pregnant!" I'm so hopeful for each one. And then so heartbroken when I realize it won't be happening. I think this morning I was especially sad because of two reasons. We really thought this would be the most fantastic Thanksgiving ever, it's my hubby's birthday and we thought we would have great news to share. Also, I realized that last Thanksgiving we were pregnant. We didn't know it, but we were. What I would have given to just have known, to just have had that one holiday where I was completely glowing and overjoyed. Even though we miscarried two weeks later, I would have cherished that day, just to have KNOWN.
This Christmas is out of the question too, unless we are blessed with a (natural) miracle, since we won't be starting anything until the end of the month. I hate feeling like this, measuring my year by holidays that have passed where we still don't have a baby...
Today at my mom's was really tough. I tried my best to put on a happy face, but failed miserably. I had three glasses of wine within a one hour period. Then the numbness (I mean buzz) wore off and I started to feel sad again. It was so nice to see some family that I don't get to see that much. But I felt like a jerk for not being full of holiday happiness. I didn't want to bring them down. All I really wanted to do was to go home and lay with my husband on the couch and keep my miserable-ness to myself. Plus, AF arrived Tuesday night with a vengeance.
Will I ever feel like a normal person again? I know this is part of the process, and I have to give myself a few days to be sad and angry, but it's getting old. It's the same "process" every month. I am grieving...EVERY month :(
It's hard for some people to understand it all and how complicated these feelings are. The only people who truly understand are ones who have been through it themselves. I've turned into the anti-social girl with the constant broken heart.
I don't like being her. But I know that there's only one thing that will change that...
Today is my husband's birthday. He's an amazing guy and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He is always supportive and loving and makes me laugh even when I'm sad. I love you so much honey! I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else...
Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Sorry this post was such a downer, I do know that I still have LOTS to be thankful for :)
I just got thinking of how every holiday I am wishing that I was pregnant. And after each one passes, I say to myself " Next (fill in the blank holiday) I'll be pregnant!" I'm so hopeful for each one. And then so heartbroken when I realize it won't be happening. I think this morning I was especially sad because of two reasons. We really thought this would be the most fantastic Thanksgiving ever, it's my hubby's birthday and we thought we would have great news to share. Also, I realized that last Thanksgiving we were pregnant. We didn't know it, but we were. What I would have given to just have known, to just have had that one holiday where I was completely glowing and overjoyed. Even though we miscarried two weeks later, I would have cherished that day, just to have KNOWN.
This Christmas is out of the question too, unless we are blessed with a (natural) miracle, since we won't be starting anything until the end of the month. I hate feeling like this, measuring my year by holidays that have passed where we still don't have a baby...
Today at my mom's was really tough. I tried my best to put on a happy face, but failed miserably. I had three glasses of wine within a one hour period. Then the numbness (I mean buzz) wore off and I started to feel sad again. It was so nice to see some family that I don't get to see that much. But I felt like a jerk for not being full of holiday happiness. I didn't want to bring them down. All I really wanted to do was to go home and lay with my husband on the couch and keep my miserable-ness to myself. Plus, AF arrived Tuesday night with a vengeance.
Will I ever feel like a normal person again? I know this is part of the process, and I have to give myself a few days to be sad and angry, but it's getting old. It's the same "process" every month. I am grieving...EVERY month :(
It's hard for some people to understand it all and how complicated these feelings are. The only people who truly understand are ones who have been through it themselves. I've turned into the anti-social girl with the constant broken heart.
I don't like being her. But I know that there's only one thing that will change that...
Today is my husband's birthday. He's an amazing guy and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He is always supportive and loving and makes me laugh even when I'm sad. I love you so much honey! I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else...
Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Sorry this post was such a downer, I do know that I still have LOTS to be thankful for :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A "Thank You" on Thanksgiving Eve...
I'm not really in the mood to blog yet, but I just wanted to quickly thank everyone who has been supporting us, cheering us on and offering shoulders to cry on! I also want to thank all the other blog girls out there who never fail to send me encouraging messages...
I honestly could not get through all of this, without each and every one of you :)
Family, friends, bloggers, strangers! All of you out there!
I'm thankful that I've stopped crying. Everyone's love and support has given me the strength to get up and brush myself off. And to try again. I think we are going to start another injectible cycle/IUI around Christmas...
I'm still heartbroken and angry. But all there is to do is to move forward. To keep going. Keep hoping...
Oh, and I am going to indulge in lots of Pinot Grigio tomorrow at dinner. I need a DRINK! :)
I honestly could not get through all of this, without each and every one of you :)
Family, friends, bloggers, strangers! All of you out there!
I'm thankful that I've stopped crying. Everyone's love and support has given me the strength to get up and brush myself off. And to try again. I think we are going to start another injectible cycle/IUI around Christmas...
I'm still heartbroken and angry. But all there is to do is to move forward. To keep going. Keep hoping...
Oh, and I am going to indulge in lots of Pinot Grigio tomorrow at dinner. I need a DRINK! :)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
100th Post
BFN.
Starting spotting last night. Woke up today with what could be compared to a Migraine and cramps from hell. I had to call in to work. The blood work this morning confirmed what I knew in my heart last night.
I can't believe this.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I'm frustrated.
When should I consider IVF? I have a horrible feeling that IVF is going to be the only thing that works for us. We would need to have $3,500 up front by the end of January. Which honestly probably won't happen :( Part of me just wants to start the adoption process, although I know that's big bucks too. What I don't want is another three years of this. I'm taking this next cycle off, mainly because of $$ issues but also I'm just so pissed. I feel like my body has failed me one too many times...
With every BFN I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall at 90 miles an hour. Something's gotta give.
I hate this :( I HATE THIS!
Happy F****** Thanksgiving.
Starting spotting last night. Woke up today with what could be compared to a Migraine and cramps from hell. I had to call in to work. The blood work this morning confirmed what I knew in my heart last night.
I can't believe this.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I'm frustrated.
When should I consider IVF? I have a horrible feeling that IVF is going to be the only thing that works for us. We would need to have $3,500 up front by the end of January. Which honestly probably won't happen :( Part of me just wants to start the adoption process, although I know that's big bucks too. What I don't want is another three years of this. I'm taking this next cycle off, mainly because of $$ issues but also I'm just so pissed. I feel like my body has failed me one too many times...
With every BFN I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall at 90 miles an hour. Something's gotta give.
I hate this :( I HATE THIS!
Happy F****** Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Birthdays, Belly Cramps and the Big Day...
BIRTHDAYS...
I'm finally able to talk about something that I haven't been able to the last few weeks! I threw my husband a surprise 30th Birthday party at a local sports bar here. He loved it and was TOTALLY surprised! It was great! He reads my blog so I haven't been able to post anything about it. His real birthday is on Thanksgiving. But it went great! It was a fun time and my husband really loved it :) I'm so glad I did it...
BELLY CRAMPS...
I'm bummed to say that I have been having mild cramps on and off for the last two days. It's really bringing me down, even though I'm trying SO hard to remain hopeful!! But this is just an all too familiar feeling that I can't shake. One minute I am SURE that I'm pregnant and the other minute I'm just so sad to possibly experience more disappointment. "The Girls" are still feeling weird, but other than that...I got nothin.' Just hope I guess. My husband woke up barfing his brains out last night. It was a fun time had by all. Poor guy. Hope its not a bug going around. I think it was maybe too much surprise party fun!
BIG DAY...
Tomorrow is test day. I have a super early appt for my blood work. Although, I'm not going to check the message or check the results online until I get home from work in the evening. Whatever the outcome, I want to be home with my husband for that. Tonight I am going to being praying hard. And tomorrow I'm going to be wearing the sea turtle earrings my mom gave me. Sea turtles are a symbol of fertility, supposedly. But even though they didn't work the first time, I'm giving them a second chance :) I'm also going to put that 4 leaf clover in my pocket that my friend from work gave me.
So, tomorrow evening I will write my 100th post. And I'm hoping that I have the most wonderful news to share with you all...
Any prayers are very much appreciated!! :)
I'm finally able to talk about something that I haven't been able to the last few weeks! I threw my husband a surprise 30th Birthday party at a local sports bar here. He loved it and was TOTALLY surprised! It was great! He reads my blog so I haven't been able to post anything about it. His real birthday is on Thanksgiving. But it went great! It was a fun time and my husband really loved it :) I'm so glad I did it...
BELLY CRAMPS...
I'm bummed to say that I have been having mild cramps on and off for the last two days. It's really bringing me down, even though I'm trying SO hard to remain hopeful!! But this is just an all too familiar feeling that I can't shake. One minute I am SURE that I'm pregnant and the other minute I'm just so sad to possibly experience more disappointment. "The Girls" are still feeling weird, but other than that...I got nothin.' Just hope I guess. My husband woke up barfing his brains out last night. It was a fun time had by all. Poor guy. Hope its not a bug going around. I think it was maybe too much surprise party fun!
BIG DAY...
Tomorrow is test day. I have a super early appt for my blood work. Although, I'm not going to check the message or check the results online until I get home from work in the evening. Whatever the outcome, I want to be home with my husband for that. Tonight I am going to being praying hard. And tomorrow I'm going to be wearing the sea turtle earrings my mom gave me. Sea turtles are a symbol of fertility, supposedly. But even though they didn't work the first time, I'm giving them a second chance :) I'm also going to put that 4 leaf clover in my pocket that my friend from work gave me.
So, tomorrow evening I will write my 100th post. And I'm hoping that I have the most wonderful news to share with you all...
Any prayers are very much appreciated!! :)
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