Turns out, I didn't stop crying. I awoke in a great mood, made my birthday boy husband breakfast and started watching the parade. And then the sadness crept back in. Like it always manages to do.
I just got thinking of how every holiday I am wishing that I was pregnant. And after each one passes, I say to myself " Next (fill in the blank holiday) I'll be pregnant!" I'm so hopeful for each one. And then so heartbroken when I realize it won't be happening. I think this morning I was especially sad because of two reasons. We really thought this would be the most fantastic Thanksgiving ever, it's my hubby's birthday and we thought we would have great news to share. Also, I realized that last Thanksgiving we were pregnant. We didn't know it, but we were. What I would have given to just have known, to just have had that one holiday where I was completely glowing and overjoyed. Even though we miscarried two weeks later, I would have cherished that day, just to have KNOWN.
This Christmas is out of the question too, unless we are blessed with a (natural) miracle, since we won't be starting anything until the end of the month. I hate feeling like this, measuring my year by holidays that have passed where we still don't have a baby...
Today at my mom's was really tough. I tried my best to put on a happy face, but failed miserably. I had three glasses of wine within a one hour period. Then the numbness (I mean buzz) wore off and I started to feel sad again. It was so nice to see some family that I don't get to see that much. But I felt like a jerk for not being full of holiday happiness. I didn't want to bring them down. All I really wanted to do was to go home and lay with my husband on the couch and keep my miserable-ness to myself. Plus, AF arrived Tuesday night with a vengeance.
Will I ever feel like a normal person again? I know this is part of the process, and I have to give myself a few days to be sad and angry, but it's getting old. It's the same "process" every month. I am grieving...EVERY month :(
It's hard for some people to understand it all and how complicated these feelings are. The only people who truly understand are ones who have been through it themselves. I've turned into the anti-social girl with the constant broken heart.
I don't like being her. But I know that there's only one thing that will change that...
Today is my husband's birthday. He's an amazing guy and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He is always supportive and loving and makes me laugh even when I'm sad. I love you so much honey! I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else...
Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Sorry this post was such a downer, I do know that I still have LOTS to be thankful for :)
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2 comments:
I know this probably isn't of much comfort to you, but during this time of painful waiting, just know you are writing a wonderful love story for your child. This will be a tale of ups and downs, hoping and dreaming for a special child and a family that feels complete to you. It isn't a question of "if", but of when and how. The love stories most parents tell their children begin in a delivery room on the day of their birth. When you finally get to share your love story with your child it will begin with "we wanted you so badly"...and any child's story that begins that way will most certainly feel lucky and loved.
xxoo- Cori
I know what you mean. I used to live for nights out and weekends adn parties! Now all I want is the comfort of my house, my husband, and my pajamas.
I try to want to go out, but just don't have it in me most of the time. Good luck getting through the weekend!
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