Monday, November 29, 2010

Getting it Together

The past six days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I go from feeling resilient to feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There have been quite a few tears with this past failed cycle. Yesterday probably took the cake. I'm finding it REALLY hard to be social. And if I do go out, the smile I show is a fake one. I'm just hurting so badly that most of the time my smiles are not sincere. I almost want to avoid social situations completely because I don't want anyone to think I'm being cold or a jerk. I don't want to bring people down. Yesterday, I was crying so hard that my hubby shed some tears too. He just wants to help me and take the hurt away, but feels so helpless. Infertility is so hard. It effects everyone around you, your friends, your family...

I'm thinking of maybe going to talk to someone, but I've tried that before and all I do is cry more. The counselor can't make me pregnant, but can take our money. Who knows, maybe it would help. Or maybe a group setting with other women who are struggling with IF. The only thing I'm afraid of with that is being a blubbering mess at every meeting. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I have to think about what the right thing is for me...

Everyone has their opinions about what I should do, drugs I should take, other doctors I should see. I've pretty much heard it all. Some the advice I get I welcome with open ears, because they are from people who have struggled with this too! But some advice, I'm like " Really? Are you hearing yourself right now?!" What my heart is telling me to do is to keep the faith and do what my doctor tells me to do. I can't be going in twenty different directions. Since I'm not doing a medicated/monitored cycle this month, I have my own little homemade recipe of how to cook up a natural Christmas miracle...

I'm going to buy the ovulation tracker pee stick things and use those. I've used them before, and they obviously didn't help, but who knows. I'll give it a try. And I think I might use what's left of my progesterone suppositories towards the end of the cycle. I know I shouldn't do that unmonitored. But my progesterone always seems to run low, so why not? And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think to stab my myself with the leftover Bravelle. BUT I definitely know that could be dangerous, so that's not in this recipe :)

I just want to feel like I'm trying something in the next few weeks. It's really hard to just let this cycle go by without some plan of action. I feel like I'm "wasting" it. But I know my body needs a break...

I'm hoping our wedding photos arrive this week. That would be a nice "pick me up." It's going on almost three months now! And we are battling it out (sort of) with our photographer. We were told when we hired her that it would take 6-8 weeks to get the pictures. Fine, whatever, I know it takes awhile and we were totally okay with that! Then 8 weeks went by still no pictures. So I sent her a nice email asking what was going on with them. She tells me that she's a little behind because she got married in September too. First thought was, ok why didn't you mention this to us when we hired you? She then tells me that she's the only one who edits at her company. Another thing she failed to mention when we hired her. So she tells me that I will receive them no later than this past week. No photos still. When should I start being a bitch about it? I'm so annoyed at this point. We want to do xmas cards and gifts with these. And my hubby mentioned that maybe she somehow messed them up and is trying to scramble to fix them. He's ready to take a drive down to her studio!! I know wedding photos take awhile, but this is starting to aggravate me. She is paid in full and it's three months later with no pics. I went on her FB photography page and she has posts of a wedding she did on Halloween!!! And Maternity ones she did this past week! I don't get why our wedding that was almost three months ago, has been put on the back burner. Ugh.

The point of this post is that I'm trying to pick up the pieces and get myself together. I don't like being a victim to Infertility. I'm doing what I can.

And that's the best I can do right now...

6 comments:

Moe said...

What kind of fertility monitor are you going to do? I was reading another blog today and this woman mentioned that she fell in love with the clear blue easy fertility monitor. It's not the cheapest thing ever...but I just wanted to throw the idea out there. Oh. Here is a link to her blog - she wrote a whole post about it. http://www.definitelymaybebaby.com/

<3 you girl!!! And I really hope you get your photos soon. I would be so furious!!!!

kkasun said...

Thinking of you this month! I hope your homemade concoction works out for you!

Bulge to Bump said...

I totally get not wanting to be social. It's strange but now I'm really not looking forward to Christmas. I had to go through the motions of Thanksgiving while mourning my failed cycle. I don't want to do the same for Christmas. I'm going to try to be positive and at least look at the holidays as a distraction. I feel myself not giving a crap about anything...work, holiday parties, shopping...pretty much anything that involves leaving my house.

I think it gets better, it just takes time. In the mean time I think it's okay to cry and to need time alone. It's okay to tell people no and to put things on the back burner. You've got to take care of yourself. Talking about what you are going through will help you heal. I blog and I talk to my best friend even though I have to give her a sex ed. recap since she got pregnant at 18 and doesn't understands the birds and the bees.

I'm not sure why, but somedays I'm okay and some days I'm not. You feel sad, mad, and out of control and you can't deny those feelings. I guess my only advice is to focus on what you can do for this natural cycle and I think it will help you "get it together." Don't lose hope!

Amber said...

I hated the confusion that came along with TTC. So many friends were doing different treatments than me, or were being monitored on different cycle days. It's frustrating, but you have to have faith in your RE that they're doing the best job for YOU. Hang in there! The holidays suck for the IF, but you've already survived 1 of the 2 holidays...

Brittany Ann said...

I used natural progesterone cream un-monitored after I ovulated, and that was the month I got pregnant.

My midwives weren't all surprised. And they weren't mad that I used it unsupervised. Some don't think it actually works, but they all agreed it wouldn't hurt me and MAY have helped.

I actually did a bunch of supplements for fertility, and in 3 months, I got pregnant. And I did it all myself (my mother is a homeopathist and she helped.)

I am praying so hard for you. I hate that you're going through this. I know what it feels like.

jenny said...

i LOVE this concotion idea!!! have fun with the sex-e while making up this concotion, and make sure you call the photographer, its not fair that shes posted other pics and not yours!!! im thinking she owes you a free photoshoot! when the BABY comes along!!!!!!!!!!!!