Sunday, May 22, 2011

In the dust...

We went to a friend of my husband's 30th birthday party on saturday...

Infertility has made me socially awkward I guess you could say. Especially around groups of people I don't know that well. I never used to be like this. I used to be fine in any social situation (with help from a glass of wine sometimes). But now, things are different. And yesterday it was kind of difficult being at this party. I was glad to go and get out and do something but it was still hard to feel comfortable. I feel like I have "NO BABY" written all over me.

I didn't really know too many people at the party, but recognized some people from a wedding we went to last August. And wouldn't you know, two of the girls I met at the wedding are now pregnant. One very pregnant and one probably 5 months along. I couldn't help but to feel a little bit like I was left in the dust. A familiar feeling that comes with infertility. It's like standing on a dirt road and watching car after car with "Baby on Board" stickers fly past you. Leaving you choking on all the dust. It's not a feeling a resentment but just more of a sad feeling. Why not me? What's wrong with me? When will it be our turn? That type of feeling.

Every night when I sit down at the computer (which is in our spare room) I start picturing it as a nursery. Where will we put the crib? Hmm maybe over there by the window. No, it might get too cold in the winter. And the rocking chair will be perfect over in this corner. I also picture a closet full of baby clothes. It may seem creepy, but I really do picture these things. Right now, our spare room is a mess. Boxes and random things all over the place. In every place we have lived, the spare room has looked the same. It looks like it's waiting. Waiting to have a real purpose. Waiting to become a nursery. And maybe that's why we haven't been motivated to make it something else, because we know what it's real purpose is supposed to be. I think a part of me feels like if we make it into an offical "office" then it is sort of ending our baby dreams. Which wouldn't be the truth, but I guess I just like the room to be chaos, until we actual have reason to bring a sort of peace to it.

Not much going on. Going to start OPKs tomorrow morning which will be CD 11. Getting anxious for my surgery, in both a nervous and excited kind of way. If we get the go ahead to start treaments right after surgery, I think we are going to go straight into IVF. But I won't know for sure until we meet with the doctors on the 15th.

Totally unrelated to anything "baby", but if anyone is looking for a summer read I highly suggest "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. Great book! They are making it into a movie which opens in August I believe. Definitely a must read! :)

6 comments:

Good Timing said...

I feel this exact same way. I wrote a post the other week about how I feel our circle of friends has dwindled. They are other doing kid friendly activities and don't invite us or just exclude us out of pity. It sucks. Because I feel like a failure and it comes so easy to all of my friends. Ugh.
We went to one of my husband's coworker's wedding in September and I asked him the other week if they were going to start trying for a family soon and he told me, Oh, she's already pregnant, due this summer. Are you kidding me?! Sigh.
I really want to read "The Help"!! Thanks for recommending it. I saw the trailer last night!

Amber said...

Ugghhh... I wrote many a post about this exact same feeling. And I still feel this way at times. Even as a mom now, I'm still an infertile girl. Every single time someone asks us when we plan on having another one (or if we'll try for a boy), I realize that they really won't ever get it. I'm lucky to have this perfect baby. And I hope you'll be blessed with your miracle soon. It makes social gatherings a little more tolerable at least... :)

Faith said...

Even though I am no longer in that place, I remember it so vividly. Anything social sent me into a tailspin. In fact, I wrote a similar post last year:

http://eidsonfamilyjourney.blogspot.com/2010/03/less-than.html

And our extra room was always just a storage room. I even refused to make it a computer room! I didn't want us to count on an office space when I knew it REALLY should be a nursery. I also felt like the chaos was all that room was worthy of until I could put a baby in there:).

Hang in there, girl, happier times will come...hopefully MUCH sooner rather than later:)!

RMCarter said...

I have that same “spare room”. It started 7 years ago when I insisted we get the 2 bedroom apartment so we had a room for a baby. Then 5 years ago, that spare room transferred over to our house. The closet was used for storage and there was a filing cabinet and some odds and ends. We never went in there. Even now, I find it has been hard to begin to turn it into a baby’s room because there are so many emotions. Thank you for this post, as it has clarified some things for me, and inspired me to write them down. I pray your spare room will become a child’s bedroom very soon.

amiracle4us said...

I can relate on many levels to this post. I sorta dread meeting new people and having to do the 'small talk' bc included is always, how long have you been married? oh, then do you have any kids? are you going to start trying? and I am sure you know the rest! It is terrible! I find myself never asking these questions 1. bc I don't need to hear all about a strangers kids 2. what if they are dealing with IF and hate the question as much as I do?
We have to guest rooms, one that is decorated and I LOVE it, the other, is pretty hodge-podge bc we always saw it as the nursery and thought it would have been filled 3 years ago. I envision everything about it...boys room or girls room or twins room! clothes, furniture, rugs, walls, curtains....everything!
I read The Help last year....love it!

cgd said...

I totally get it, I feel uncomfortable socially too. I have even started to make up excuses to get out of things just to avoid this feeling. I have no friends that are married without children so I find myself standing on my own island and have no clue where I am fitting in anymore, it is so hard.
sending much love to you...