In the dust...

We went to a friend of my husband's 30th birthday party on saturday...

Infertility has made me socially awkward I guess you could say. Especially around groups of people I don't know that well. I never used to be like this. I used to be fine in any social situation (with help from a glass of wine sometimes). But now, things are different. And yesterday it was kind of difficult being at this party. I was glad to go and get out and do something but it was still hard to feel comfortable. I feel like I have "NO BABY" written all over me.

I didn't really know too many people at the party, but recognized some people from a wedding we went to last August. And wouldn't you know, two of the girls I met at the wedding are now pregnant. One very pregnant and one probably 5 months along. I couldn't help but to feel a little bit like I was left in the dust. A familiar feeling that comes with infertility. It's like standing on a dirt road and watching car after car with "Baby on Board" stickers fly past you. Leaving you choking on all the dust. It's not a feeling a resentment but just more of a sad feeling. Why not me? What's wrong with me? When will it be our turn? That type of feeling.

Every night when I sit down at the computer (which is in our spare room) I start picturing it as a nursery. Where will we put the crib? Hmm maybe over there by the window. No, it might get too cold in the winter. And the rocking chair will be perfect over in this corner. I also picture a closet full of baby clothes. It may seem creepy, but I really do picture these things. Right now, our spare room is a mess. Boxes and random things all over the place. In every place we have lived, the spare room has looked the same. It looks like it's waiting. Waiting to have a real purpose. Waiting to become a nursery. And maybe that's why we haven't been motivated to make it something else, because we know what it's real purpose is supposed to be. I think a part of me feels like if we make it into an offical "office" then it is sort of ending our baby dreams. Which wouldn't be the truth, but I guess I just like the room to be chaos, until we actual have reason to bring a sort of peace to it.

Not much going on. Going to start OPKs tomorrow morning which will be CD 11. Getting anxious for my surgery, in both a nervous and excited kind of way. If we get the go ahead to start treaments right after surgery, I think we are going to go straight into IVF. But I won't know for sure until we meet with the doctors on the 15th.

Totally unrelated to anything "baby", but if anyone is looking for a summer read I highly suggest "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. Great book! They are making it into a movie which opens in August I believe. Definitely a must read! :)