Miserable.

It's gotta be the hormones. And the injection disaster that occurred last night...

I'm just not feeling good today. Really tired, moody, bloated, crampy, weak...

Last night before dinner, my husband gave me my shot. He's gotten pretty good at it and it's just part of our nightly routine now. Well, last night sucked. The shot HURT LIKE HELL. It felt like someone was stabbing me with a sereded knife.Normally it hurts a little, but nothing I cant get through. But last night was awful and it included lots of tears and a bit of freaking out on both our parts. Right after he did the injection I started bleeding and my skin started to bubble around the injection site!!!! Sometimes I bleed so that was normal, but the bubbling and pain was NOT. And then it was quickly turning black and blue amongst all the bumps. My husband was like "What the hell is happening??" And I was thinking the same. So we called my mom whos a nurse and she told me to call the on-call nurse at the clinic. So I did and she said it doesnt sound like something to be really worried about. That it's probably just a localized reaction from the shot but if I get any hives anywhere else to take benadryl. And she told me to ice it. Which I did. But it's still pretty sore. And today the bruise is black. Not black and blue. Just black. Looks awful! Anyone else have the bubbling and bruising??

During the night I was having mild cramping and all day today. In a way I'm glad I have cramping because that could mean the eggs are growing, but I'm not going to lie and say that it doesn't freak me out too. I'm scared I have OHSS :( I called the on-call nurse again and she said that as long as I'm not in pain then not to worry. But if I'm doubled over in pain I should be worried. I wanted to know if I should even go ahead with tonight's shot because I am terrified it will put my ovaries over the edge and ruin everything! But she said cramping is ok as long as its not pain and to go ahead with the shot. I hope we don't have a repeat of last night :(

Just didn't feel good at all today. I'm sure it's a combination of everything, but I really hope tomorrow's appt goes well. Of course, all I can think about is that something is wrong now!!Because of the painful injection and cramping. But I have to try and be positive. And trust me, I'm trying really hard...

At the beginning of the weekend, I was so happy Friday's appt went well. And now I'm just scared as to what they are going to find tomorrow :(

Chances

I've been asked by quite a few people what are "chances are" with this IVF. And the only answer I really have to give them is that we have just that, a chance...

My crazy hormones got me again today as I was waiting in line at Barnes & Noble. A display of quote magnets caught my eye, and one in particular gave me instant goosebumps and made tears spring up in my eyes...

It read:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly..." ~Proverb

Soooo, it's now on my fridge :)

There have been so many times during the IF journey where I literally felt like the world was ending. The heartbreak hurt that much. And somehow, someway, I would heal...

I've been a little crampy today. Of course, I hope things are going okay in there and they are growing at just the right speed. I do not want OHSS! It would be amazing if I could be done with shots on Monday.

This is our chance. This is our butterfly.

Note to self

Don't watch Marley & Me. Especially when you're all jacked up on hormones!

I've seen Marley & Me plenty of times. Such a good movie and such a sad movie. Our golden retriever, Nole, was tragically hit and killed by a car this past January. The worst night of my life, besides the miscarriage. He was my baby and we loved him so so much. I miss him so much and I feel him with me everyday. I talk to him when it's been a rough day. He was only three years old. He was supposed to grow up with our children. We have a little "shrine" in our living room for Nole. Some people might find that creepy, but we find it comforting. We have his ashes in an ern and a card with his paw print and some of his fur. We also have a Christmas ornament leaned up against with his picture on it. As well as a small garden statue of an angel puppy with wings. We haven't buried his ashes yet, and I'm not sure what that means. I guess we just like having him close here with us...

I was waiting to watch "The Proposal" and "Marley & Me" just happened to be wrapping up. All the sudden, I'm sobbing! Like can't catch my breath, tears streaming down, all out sobfest! Definitely, ranks up there on the ugly cry face list. Damn hormones! And then I starting laughing. Sobbing and then laughing at myself. I really miss Nole so much. He was such a good boy.

My mom is helping us with a loan for this IVF (God Bless her!) and we are paying her back. The credit union she uses gave her five blank checks. On each check was a different design. Guess which one popped out at us? The check with the golden retriever on it. Looked just like Nole. And we chose to use that one for our down payment. I think it was definitely a sign that Noley is here with us during this process :)

You know I love me some signs.

They're growing!!

The follies are gettin' fatter. Maybe it's the nightly ice cream somehow helping them along? hehe.

My appointment today went well. All I wanted from today's appointment was for some more follicles to pop up and for some of them to be dominant. And I got it! They are progressing along and my lining is thickening up. My est a little more than doubled too. Which I kind of was hoping it would triple or quadruple, but I will just be happy with the fact that it is rising! They are keeping me on the same dose for the weekend and then I go back on Monday to be scanned. The nurse said something about maybe Wednesday for the retrieval, but I have a gut feeling it will be Thursday or Friday. When they would guess my IUI days, it always turned out to be a day or two later. I am just so happy and grateful that we are still chugging along and making some progress....

I feel like there is a long row of hurdles in front of us, and we are barely getting our legs over each one!

But at least we are getting over :)

Hormones, Hunger and Horns

So, last night when I told my husband he was injecting me with 4 vials of the baby juice (AKA Bravelle) he made a funny comment that had us both cracking up...

Me: You know there's 4 vials in that thing? I'm getting all juiced up.

Matt: (laughing) Oh man. We're gonna wake up tomorrow morning and I'm going to go "Good morning honey!" and you are going to have horns and say "F*** YOU!"

And then we both doubled over in laughter. At least we can laugh about it right?? :)

The daily shots of hormones combined with the oral steroid is quite the cocktail. I actually haven't been too "rage-y." Which is good :) Although, my biggest side effect is headaches and HUNGER. Oh my goodness, seriously since last Friday when we started the shots I have been SO hungry! And every single night since Friday I've been craving (and have given in to that craving) chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream! From a local store here. They make the best ice cream, but this one flavor in particular, it's like I HAVE TO HAVE IT :) Or maybe it's just all in my head and it's my comfort food through this whole process! Either way, I might be a whale by the time this is all over...

Thank you for all your advice on my last post!!! Today I'm feeling a little crampy so Im hoping that means something's cooking in there!!! I'm just trying to stay positive and hope that tomorrow's appointment brings some good news...

In a nutshell.

Today I was mad. And inches away from throwing a tantrum like a two year old.

My appointment this morning did not go well. Silence took over the u/s nurse as she scanned my ovaries. Not good, I thought. Then she asks "Do you have polycycstic ovaries?" And all I thought was "Ohhhh shit, I've got a cyst." But I didn't. She was just asking because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS HAPPENING WITH MY EGGS. Yeah, nada. They are still not measurable. After 5 nights of shots, nothing. I was so MAD. Didn't have time to be sad, just was MAD. I left there feeling like this IVF cycle was hopeless. I'm so afraid of them telling me this cycle will be cancelled and that I won't even make it to retrieval. They didnt quite say that, but they upped my dose to 4 vials of Bravelle. Yikes. I'm praying with everything in me that at Friday's appointment there's a drastic change. Like when the nurse scans me she says "Whoa! Hello follicles!" That would be ideal. I checked my lab results and my est did more double and I compared my numbers with my last injectible IUI cycle and they werent too different. But what makes me nervous is I think with IVF things need to be like "BAM!" out the gates. I feel like there is a shorter span of time to get these eggs cooking. Am I right? I really have no clue. Any advice would be friggin swell.

I know I might be overeacting but I guess I would just like to hear from any other IVF alumni who had a slow start like me and made it to retrieval! Please! Someone tell me it's not over yet :( So in a nutshell, I was a little down all day. And mad at my body. This is when I need my body to cooperate the most and it's not :(

On a happier note, when I got home from work today there was a large package on our doorstep. I opened up the package with a huge smile!!! It was a (pretty big) fertility goddess statue from my cousin Jenny in California!!! I cannot even tell you how much this made my day. It arrived at the perfect time too! She wrote a sweet note with it, saying that it's been passed down through her friends and to keep it throughout my whole pregnancy. She conceived weeks after getting the statue and she just gave birth to a perfect baby boy! I know some people are thinking "Sheeesh, yeah right. Like that will really work!" But I am a believer! And I have already held it to my belly and said a prayer :) I may or may not have talked to it while I prepared my shot at the dining room table :) haha.

Don't be a hater:)

I love my husband.

Last night my husband was stressed out and kind of sad. I think the pressure of everything was getting to him, work, money, IVF!! I know what this fertility stuff does to me, and I knew that it effects him too. Although, he says he tries to stay strong for me and "be the man." He said he knows that I take the brunt of all this fertility crap, and then when all his friends and family ask how I'm doing, he appreciates that. I'm the one physically going through it all. Although, he said sometimes he would like people to ask how he's doing with all of this...

This made me so sad to hear. I guess I thought people ask him how he's doing and I thought I did a better job of letting him express how he feels about everything, without it always being "me, me,me." I felt so bad for him, because he's going through this too. It's painful and frustrating for him too. He's nervous too. His heart breaks when we get a BFN, just as much as mine does. And in a way even worse, because all he wants to do is fix it, and he can't...

I've got a great man. I'm really so very lucky to have my husband and I love him so much. So tonight, I ask this of you girls. Give your husband and extra hug, an extra "Thank you for all you do" and an extra "I love you." They hide a lot to be strong for us, but sometimes we have to let them fall apart in our arms for a change...

The strangest thing happened today. I was driving behind a car with a license plate that read "Sept 4th." That's our wedding date :) So I texted my husband and told him what I saw. He texted back "The best day of my life."

I love him.

In IVF news, I had my second monitoring appointment on Monday morning. To my surprise, the waiting room was standing room only!! That's the first time I've been there and there was no where to sit!! It was crazy. And sad in a way, looking around at all the other women and men who are struggling with all this crap. Nothing is really happening yet with my ovaries. The nurse said she sees follicles on both sides, but none are measurable yet. Which is normal she said. But they called me later and upped my dose to three bravelle powders a night. Yikes. That's the most I've ever taken. I was a little sad Monday evening when I got home and checked my lab results online. My estrogen hadn't moved since Friday's appt AT ALL :( So that's why they upped my dose. I'm praying that at tomorrow morning's appt it triples!! I emailed the nurse saying I was nervous that it didnt rise and asked if she thought I would even make it to retrieval. She said this is all normal and she had no reason to think I wouldn't make it to retrieval. She said that's why they monitor every other day, so they can up or lower the dose. She also said that they would give me any extra bravelle I would need! Which is fantastic, because we were getting really stressed thinking we'd have to spend a ton more money on just a few boxes of meds! My trigger came today too. Please God, let my numbers rise and let my eggies GROW. I'd be so devastated if we didnt even get to retrieval :(

BUT WE TOTALLY WILL :) Because we have to think positive right??? :) Everything will work out...

I'm high on some hope right now.

Sign here.

It seems only fitting that on Day 3 of my IVF shots, a friend of mine gave birth to 3 beautiful and healthy baby girls!! This friend has been so good to me, giving me advice and tips and finding me discount meds!! I can't even tell you how many times she has helped me out or given me answers to things when I was unsure about how to proceed. She fought a good fight to finally get to her baby girls and I couldn't be happier for her and her husband...

Tonight, my husband and I signed our lives away. Well, not really but kind of. We finally read over the IVF packet that the clinic gave us. It's basically a big ole fat disclaimer, "If you don't get any babies out of this... or if you die...it's not our fault. Oh and you still have to pay us." That kind of disclaimer...

But we understood all that going into this, and so we signed...

The last page of the packet was the most depressing, since it was all about divorce and death. We had to sign off on who gets the embies if we get divorced before transfer, or who gets the leftover frozen embies if we get divorced. AND we had to sign off on that if we both were to die, that the clinic would destroy the embies!! So morbid. It got me thinking though, I wonder if (God forbid) that happened, why we couldn't have the embryos adopted? I'm actually thinking of asking them at my appointment tomorrow. We think we'd want to give a deserving couple our embies, if God forbid something happened to us. I wouldn't want my babies killed off! So I'm going to ask them about this. My mom and I were joking about what a depressing Lifetime movie that story would make...

So there you have it. We hope this signing and sealing leads to delivering :)

Gotta keep your head up

Day 2 of shots!! My mind is racing with happy thoughts, babies, laughter, smiling, pregnancy! And then it circles back around to loss, sadness, miscarriage, failed IVF, debt. AHHHHHHHHH!!!! One minute I'm on an IVF "this is totally gonna work" high and the next I'm tearing up over the thought of a failed IVF. What a mind f***. But so worth it...

I heard this song the other day and even though it might be a little cheesy, it made me happy and hopeful...

Oh, hello there IVF...

Believe it or not...there's been a change of plans! We started the meds tonight for our first IVF. HFS!!!

After speaking with the nurse this morning at my appointment, I changed my mind. She told me that you can get OHSS doing any kind of fertility treatment and that other people have chosen to go this route. The no long lupron route. It's been an emotional few days. Going from thinking we were going to be able to start, to not being able to start and accepting it and then wham! Things changed and we are going forward...

It took me a few hours to get this settled in my head, that we have actually started! I'm nervous and excited and just praying that everything goes well. I just have to trust in the whole process and trust in ourselves. I'm done with doubt, and now we are just going to give it our all and stay positive and hope for the best!!

We'll probably be praying our asses off, too.

Thank you all again for all your advice. I know some of you may be shocked that I changed my mind, but we really feel good about this final decision. It's all in the hands of something bigger anyways :)

p.s.

If anyone has or knows someone who has any leftover Bravelle for sale, PLEASE let me know asap :)

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to retreat to the bedroom where there is a better-working AC unit. It's like 3,000 degrees here in NY. I'm having heat hallucinations about being locked in a meat freezer.

Loco over Lupron

Thank you for all the advice about my lupron situation!!! It really helped me in making my decision and all of your advice was very informative. I seriously learned a lot. That being said, I am on the next train to Lupron Hell. Allllllll aboardddddddd!

After weighing the pros and cons and taking all the advice into consideration, I realized that this is a BIG deal. IVF, I mean. There's a lot going on here. Emotionally, physically and financially. If the doctor believes this is the best (and safest) way to proceed, then I am going to do what he tells me to do. And if that means waiting 19 more days before starting lupron and then having to wait another week or three to start stims, so be it. Yes, I am totally sad that I am not starting meds tomorrow. Yes, I feel like it's always SOMETHING. Yes, we are pretty pissed that this wasn't explained clearly to us. Yes, we don't understand why we couldn't have started lupron on this last day 21 so we could have started stims tomorrow....

Yes, IT SUCKS. :(

However, the ball is rolling. We are on our way. There's a detour, but eventually we will get there. After 3 1/2 years of all this heartache, I guess I can do another month of waiting....

I have an appointment tomorrow morning at the RE's office. We'll see how it goes. I feel like I'm going to walk up to the reception desk and the girl is going to hit a secret button under the desk labeled "Crazie in da house." Maybe I'm just being self-conscious, but I feel like every time I call there or have an issue, there are like " Ohhhh God, it's HER again." haha

Oh-so about my bear story from yesterday morning (if anyone cares that is)...

It was 6:30 am and I was pulling out of the driveway and I look ahead and see this blur of something furry and big! "Wow that's a big dog" I said to myself. Then I took another look as the car got closer. It's not a big dog. IT'S A BIG BEAR. Holy crap. It just slowly walked right in front of my car and then moved a little faster up into a big apartment complex. I was in total shock. We don't exactly live in a place where bears just roam around. I've never see a bear outside of a zoo or movie screen. I called 911 and reported it, because the bear was in a busy area where there are lots of children. I felt sort of sorry for the bear, obviously it's hungry or disoriented or both! But how WEIRD is that. My mom joked around saying that maybe I should look up what it means if a bear crosses your path. And I'm not ashamed to say that I actually did google it :) I found a couple of Native American sites that said something about a bear being a sign of motherhood and protection. There were a few other interesting articles about the symbolism of a bear...

So that was my Wednesday morning. What's with me and wildlife lately? Skunks and now bears!

I'll let you know how my appointment goes tomorrow. Maybe my doctor will be doubled over in laughter, " Oh that whole Lupron thing? I was joking. Meds start tonight!"

Doubtful.

I need advice please! And quick!

What a day.

Ok, so first off...today is CD1!!!! I was so excited. I called the RE's office to set up my appointment and they put me on the phone with the nurse who is handling my IVF cycle. She said something at the beginning of the conversation (which was sort of mumbled) about Lupron. I thought she had said "Do you have your lupron?" And I said "Heck yes, it came today!" Well I didnt say "Heck yes" but it did come today. Anyways, she continued on with scheduling my appt for friday morning. And then I stopped her and said " Im sorry what was it you said about the Lupron, I dont think I heard you correctly." Apparently, I was supposed to be on a long lupron cycle before I start taking my meds. She insists she explained this to me over the phone a few weeks ago...BUT SHE DID NOT. Because if she did I wouldnt be so in the dark and shocked and saddened at the thought that this process is actually two months long!!! So I got really upset, I was shaking my voice was cracking, I said " You know this whole process is hard enough as it is, to hear that I have to wait a whole extra month to actually start the meds is devastating." So she said she was going to talk to the doctor and put me on hold. She came back and said the doctor said that could jump right into the meds and not do the long lupron, but that it puts me at risk for OHSS. My question to you girls is....

WHAT SHOULD I DO??? Have any of you started an IVF cycle without the long lupron thing?? My gut tells me to go ahead with everything, but theres a little piece of me saying I should follow what the doctor usually plans for. I mean, the risk of OHSS is always there. With injectibles, with clomid, with it all! So I guess I dont really understand. I need to figure out what Im doing by Friday so any advice would be very much appreciated!!! If I did the long lupron cycle, that means I would even be starting the stims until late august possibly even september. Which means this whole process wont be over till almost october! :(

I just think there is an OHSS risk with anything we swallow or inject into ourselves. I feel like I should go ahead with it, but I guess I'd like to hear some other stories of starting IVF without the long lupron!

***Stay tuned for tomorrow's post where I blog about my BEAR encounter this morning!! So friggin crazy. And we don't even live in "bear country"!!***

Getting anxious.

I've tried to just play it cool. "Whenever AF shows, she shows, no biggie." But now it's not so cool. I want AF to show soon...this week...NOW.

Today is CD 32. AF not being here yet is not out of the ordinary for me, but still I'm so ready for her to show. We are anxious to get our first (and last..thinking positively here) IVF started!

And no I'm not pregnant. No after lap surgery miracle baby for us...

So, AF if you're listening...feel free to drop by anytime this week :)

No Unread Emails and PTSD

(Even miracles take a little time)

I have to confess that I've been checking my email. A lot.

Sure I love getting emails from friends and family, but after I either save them or delete them my mailbox goes back to "No Unread Emails." And I my mailbox gets lonely. Especially when I check it almost hourly to see if there is an email regarding the "seeds." Even though I've tried to put the seeds out of my mind, they still pop up a few times a day. We think they received our letter earlier this week. And in my fantasy world, I guess I was hoping I would get an email or call right away saying, " Yes, we want to meet you asap!" But ummm, that's unrealistic. So I just continue to check my email (OCD-like) in hopes that one of these days that email will arrive...

My retrieval/transfer socks have arrived!! I love them!! And I had a couple extra pairs that I was going to do a giveaway with! But two blog friends of mine, were in need as their first IVF's are in-progress or almost in-progress :)

I was having some cramping today. I panicked a little because I'm ordering my Lupron on Monday and it will arrive on Tuesday. I'm afraid of starting AF early and being short on meds. But I think it will all work out ok...

You know what's really bothering me? How the media like Entertainment Tonight are already stalking Princess Kate for a baby bump! Geez! I just want to scream "Leave her alone!" at the TV. I mean, what if they have IF troubles in the future? Then what? Off with her head?! I just feel bad for the girl...

So glad it's Friday. And I'm so glad I don't smell like a skunk...

Today at work we were outside with the kids. Playing with sidewalk chalk and matchbox cars. We were sitting right outside our playground leaning against a fence. When all of the sudden one of our co-workers stops mid-sentence, "There's a SKUNK!" I quick look back over my shoulder and see a blur of black and white, and I think I may have said " Holy Shit!!" (while covering the children's ears of course) as we grabbed the kids and hightailed it out of there! We were about a foot away from a baby skunk! And afterwards we laughed so hard about it that our faces hurt and tears were coming down. We are SO lucky we didn't get sprayed. That would have been awful. We were all a little shaky and weirded out after the excitement of the "skunk attack." I think we were all struggling with a little bit of PTSD...

Post Traumatic Skunk Disorder :)

Sock it to me

I ordered my retrieval and transfer socks the other day! I tried to download a picture of them, but it's not working. They are white low cut socks with a red heart on each sock. Inside the heart it says " Even miracles take a little time." A few months ago I found a little wooden plaque with this quote on it and I fell in love. So it seemed like a perfect fit for the socks! :) I ordered them through sockprints.com. You can only place a minimum order of three, so I may have a giveaway coming up soon!

I talked to the RE's office today to figure out what meds I would need and the payment plan. Turns out, I'm going to have to order a trigger and Lupron. I had 3/4 of a bottle of Lupron left, but the nurse said you can't use it after 30 days. Oops! Didn't know that. So I just have to order those this week and hope that AF shows up soon :)

Ummm, just read an article on Yahoo that made me stop breathing for a minute. A woman gave birth to a 16 pound baby in Texas!! Just one thing comes to my mind: WTF?!

She's a Peach...

Today I had lunch with my blog friend, Elizabeth. We met at a little restaurant called Peaches. This is the first time either of us have met a "blog friend" in person. As I was leaving the house my husband joked that she could turn out to be a 57 year old online predator. Thankfully, she was not. She was a peach! Really funny and sweet and it was great to talk to someone in person about all the "fun" stuff the game of infertility and adoption has to offer. And she was so generous to give me a box of Bravelle!! I was talking with my sister-in-law last weekend about how so many people were generous with helping us attain meds. And she said " It takes a village..." In our case, it takes a village to make a child. A heartwarming twist on the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." I'm really overwhelmed by all the hands that have reached out...

Infertility has taken so much from me. But today, I met a new friend :) And I have Infertility to thank for that...

A "Smore"gasbord

Definition of the word Smorgasbord:

smor·gas·bord

   [smawr-guhs-bawrd, -bohrd or, often, shmawr-] Show IPA

–noun

1.

a buffet meal of various hot and cold hors d'oeuvres, salads,casserole dishes, meats, cheeses, etc.

2.

an extensive array or variety: The company has asmorgasbord of employee benefits.

Today I recieved a special package from Marissa over at Eggs in a Basketcase! She was so kind to send me a vial of Bravelle, some pregnancy test strips and....

all the "fixins" for Smores! Smores is kind of our thing together. And it's really funny because I had just sent her a package the other day with some crinone and smores chewy granola bars. We didn't even know the other was sending smores! :) I think she will go through the smores bars quickly because, she just found out she's having TWINS :) Feed those babies!

My husband also picked up an infertility goodie package from our friend. Lots of meds, for a very low price! :) I'm a little bit scared though about the bottle of little blue pills that says " Insert one tablet vaginally at bedtime." Yikes. That should be interesting.

Our dining room table is slowly accumulating our IVF meds. I have to call the RE's office on Monday to figure out what else I might need. The starting line for IVF is getting closer and closer. Probably will start in a week and a half. Wow.

On your mark. Get set. Go :)

The Girl in the Store and My New Friend Gerard

They each have nothing to do with the other, but it made for an interesting title :)

Yesterday I was in Marshall's looking for a baby gift for my friend who's pregnant with triplets. She's due this summer. And from what I've learned in this blog community, multiples can come early and they usually arrive super tiny. So I was looking for newborn or preemie onesies. Because I'm pretty sure when you have multiples, you can never have enough onesies! As I was browsing the racks of adorable baby clothes, a pregnant woman across the aisle caught my eye. And ears. She was very pregnant and must have been talking to her husband/significant other on the phone...

Pregnant woman: " I can't believe the baby is coming soon honey! I just found the cutest little frog onesie for our little man. Did you get the swing put together? Oh, yay! I'm so proud of you!"

Me: (Envious)

She really was adorable and I couldn't help crack a smile over her excitement. The frog outfit she picked up was actually something I was looking at 5 minutes earlier. I picked it up and said to myself " If I were pregnant with a boy, I would buy this right now!" I've spent so much time in the baby aisles shopping for sweet things for friends and family. I just can't wait till I'm roaming the aisles with a big belly. A pregnancy belly, instead of of just a fat belly....

Someday, I hope to be "the girl in the store."

I received the best surprise in the mail the other day from my friend Moe at the blog Love You A Million. She is so sweet! She sent me a St. Gerard Medal and a wish token for my keychain. I was so excited! You better believe I hooked those babies right onto my keychain! She said her grandmother used to give that medal to women she knew were trying to get pregnant. St. Gerard is the Patron Saint of Pregnant Women/Women trying to get Pregnant. Heck yeah!! I will take all the help I can get :) Thanks Moe!! You made my day.

It's been a short work week, but stressful. Non-work related stress. Sometimes I think the mirror I broke last year, put a curse on my husband and I. Just when we think money issues are getting better, something happens and puts us back at square one. We really feel like we can't catch a break. Plus, we have the IVF and seeds on our mind. What we need is to win a caribbean vacation and sit on a beach for a week! No stress, no problems, just us. Relaxing and enjoying each other's company. Ahhhh. Sounds so nice.

Tired, dirty, grumpy...

I'm tired tonight. And dirty. And a little grumpy.

The first day back to work after a busy holiday weekend always has me feeling extra tired. I came home tonight to no water, too. There was a water main break in the town we live in. Fantastic. I always take a shower when I come home from work. It relaxes me, wakes me up a little and I like to think it washes away any kid viruses that may have been planted on me during the day :)

Today is CD 20. I've been using OPKs but nothing positive yet. Tomorrow I am calling the RE's office to set up our plan for IVF. And to get my meds figured out. I think I'm still going to need to order some, but nothing too crazy. Maybe some lupron and a trigger and needles. We'll see. I have some lupron left, about half a bottle. Not sure if that will be enough.

I finished my letter last night to the mother of the seeds. Our family friend helped me edit it, because I think I got a little too emotional with my words. So the edited version is much better I think. We'll see what happens.

If you've been following my "seeds" story, you already know how I've been getting signs from everywhere. Today...at work....volunteers...twin teenage girls...with reddish hair...

Yup.

Trying to keep these possible adoption thoughts on the back burner. But it's hard when signs spill all over the stove!!!

One way or another, by way of adoption or IVF, I know in my heart we will have our family. The children we want so badly.

And then I'll be tired, dirty...

happy.

Feeling blessed....

I'm feeling pretty blessed this weekend. I think we are going to be able to go ahead with IVF at the end of the month! My friends IRL (in real life) and some very generous blog friends have donated some meds to me! I can't even began to explain how thankful we are. Between what I have and the meds that are being donated, THIS IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN :) A friend from high school was able to get meds for me also from a friend of hers. A LOT of different meds for a very low price. So much can change in a week. We went from being so sad thinking we can't move forward, to being blessed with these gifts from our friends...

We had a really busy (but great) Fourth of July weekend. A 30th anniversary party, a bbq for my Mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mom!) and another bbq at my in-laws. Crazzzyyy busy, but it was good to visit with our family and friends.

A little update on the "seeds" situation. We actually saw our family friend this weekend and talked with them about the twins. We learned some more about the situation, but I think we are going to keep that information private for right now. Basically things are still uncertain, but we are sending them a picture and a bio/profile type of thing to read. Telling them about us and our story. So it's not a closed door, but not completely wide open either. Our family friend did say the babies are beautiful and have reddish hair and blue eyes. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I've still been getting crazy signs throughout the week, but I've been choosing to keep them to myself. And then there was this one this morning...

Turned on the TV this morning and a show on the USA network was on. What did I see right away? Twin girls. With red hair...

I see this the morning after I learn these girls have red hair and blue eyes? Hmmmm.

We are still not getting our hopes up though. We are just going to try to put it in the back of our minds and go ahead and focus on the upcoming IVF....

We feel hopeful right now. And that feels so good...

Queen for a day. Oh okayyy, Queen for just one post...

A big thank you to Queen Carlia from The Stork Drop Zone, for crowning me with an "Overlord Award." (Picture me curtsy-ing).

My name (Sarah) actually means "Princess." My mom totally set me up to be high maintenance...

This is a fun award! With your new found royalty and power you must come up with 3 new rules...

And then pass it on to a few other loyal subjects (blog friends)! :)

I now proclaim that these 3 new rules are, in fact, awesome.

Rule #1- Those who do not say "Thank you" to the stranger holding the door for you, shall be silenced forever. By way of some magic spell performed by my personal assistant (AKA a sorcerer). You can't say a simple "Thank you"? Then you don't get to speak for the rest of your life. Basic manners must be used at all times. It's amazing how rude people are sometimes.

Rule #2- I hereby claim October 1st as "Genie in a bottle" day. It will be a worldwide holiday, where a bottle shows up in your mailbox and Christina Aguilera jumps out and grants you three wishes. Why October 1st? Because it's my favorite month. Why Christina Aguilera? Because she sings that "Genie in a bottle" song. There will also be a button to push to silence her if you can't stand her. But make sure you get your wishes granted first.

Rule #3- Every castle (home) shall have an antique phone attached to the kitchen wall. You know the kind where you hold a little cup to your ear and one to your mouth and then push a lever to speak to the operator? That kind. Then the operator who has a fabulous british accent will connect your call. Free of charge. The special thing about this phone is that it only makes calls to Heaven to speak to family or friends who you might be missing.

I now bestow the Overlord Award to...

Honeybee @ A Honeybee and her Seabee

Moe@ Love You A Million

Marissa@ Eggs in a Basketcase

Blog friend @ A Miracle 4 Us

Liz @ Compromised Fertility

E @ Many Many Moons

Amanda @ Our Fertility Journey

Jes G @ all i ever wished for

(Sorry for not attaching the blog links and if you've already received this award!)