I think I might have a stalker...

And it's Nancy the Nurse. No, she's not really a stalker and it's probably rude of me to even say that. But it's one of the many things that keep reminding me of the miscarriage. Things that are meant to be helpful, but just actually make it hurt more instead. The night at the hospital when we had the miscarriage, the nurse on duty told me that someone would be calling me and checking up on me. Which is very nice. And I appreciated the first Nancy the Nurse call when it happened. She had left a very nice message, and she mentioned there was no need to call back, that they were just checking in and they were so sorry for our loss. Since then I've gotten two more messages from Nancy the Nurse. Each a little different, but generally the same monologue. Then a few days ago I received a letter in the mail, inviting me to a C.A.R.E.S group for people who have lost their babies. And the letter is signed by, none other than Nancy the Nurse. Maybe she just handles all the "losses" in the hospital L & D department. Who knows. I've been thinking about attending this meeting and there was another one at Ronald McDonald House that I was close to going to also. But I didn't. Actually, a close friend of mine who also just suffered a miscarriage, she and I were thinking of going together. On a side note, that's going to be a post for another day. One post devoted to the craziness of how many of my close friends have had miscarriages also. When my favorite NP at the OB's office, said that they see 3-4 miscarriages a week in their office alone, I thought she was exaggerating. Apparently not. Anyways, back to Nancy the Nurse. So, I have been thinking about going to these meetings, I know they might help..but I know it will make me cry a lot. I'm not a fan of crying in public, I try to avoid it at all costs. But it doesn't always end up that way. I also feel a weird sort of guilt about going. I mean I know I have the right to be there, even though I miscarried early on. But I can't imagine going to the meeting and sitting next to someone who may have had to deliver their baby at 20 weeks, hold it and kiss it goodbye. That emotional pain is so scary to me, that it gives me the chills just thinking about it. So I guess I just don't feel as deserving to be there? If that makes sense.

As I read through the letter from Nancy the Nurse, I started to laugh when I read where the meeting was being held. It was being in held in the same building where I work. "So what?" you ask. Well, I'm a nursery school teacher and we are part of a hospital. It's a big center, so we have our own space in a building across from the hospital. As I was reading the letter and the directions how to get to the conference room at my work, I was laughing. Not a funny laugh, but a "I can't believe they would put these women through this" laugh. The directions on the paper read " Go through the glass doors, past the staircase, turn left at the elevator." But what it should have read was " Open the glass doors, yes the ones covered in children's artwork, go past the staircase with pictures of smiling kids all over it, turn right at the You May Never Have A Child Elevator." I know Nancy the Nurse didn't plan it this way or purposely schedule a meeting like this in an area busting with baby-ness. But that's where it is, unfortunately.

I wonder if I'll hear from Nancy the Nurse again. Maybe I will miss her once she's gone. She and I have something in common, we both work for the same hospital and we both care for the babies. She cares for the ones that are not here anymore and I care for the ones that stayed. One thing is for sure...we are both damn good at our jobs :)

My honey read my new blog posts tonight. And he got a little choked up reading "Letter to Our Baby." I love this man so much. For so many reasons, and I'm sure you'll hear why in posts to come.

I am a lucky girl.